You Have the Right to Remain Offended (But That Doesn't Mean I Have to Care)

In today's world, you just never know when someone is going to get butt-hurt about something. And it could be anything. The smallest things set people off onto their personal righteous crusade.

A few years ago, I had a Facebook friend attack me when I made an ADHD joke.

 

"I think I have ADHD, doc"
Why?
"I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford"
That's not-
"Yeah, I keep losing my Focus"
Get out of my office.

 

This joke does not make fun of people with ADHD in any way. It is really just a play on words.

However, she tore into me because her son has ADHD and I should be more sensitive to families dealing with serious issues. I totally understand why that topic is a trigger for her, but I do not excuse her response. And I let her know this by going back through all the comments and likes on my Facebook posts when I had made various other jokes about other things and she laughed. I took screen shots of her responses to those jokes and sent them to her.

Luckily, she actually is a decent person and she responded appropriately. She apologized (not what I was fishing for) and admitted that she was overly sensitive about this topic (what I was fishing for). Basically, I do not think it is fair to laugh at one joke aimed a group, but take offense when it is aimed at a different group.

I do understand that you cannot always control what offends you. But you can and should control your reaction to it. Here are some tirades I have witnessed personally:

• A girl refused to attended her high school class reunion because it was broken into two events. The typical dinner and dance was the main part, but it was preceded by an afternoon excursion for entire families. Bring your families. Since she had never had children, she felt personally insulted that this event was included and she voiced her anger loudly. Basically, since she had never had children, no one else should be allowed to be proud of theirs.
• A man whose father had died in a car accident stormed out of a movie theater months later when a car accident happened in the movie. I completely understand why this was a painful thing for him to see, but I do not understand why he berated the cinema staff and almost punched the theater manager for not personally warning him about this scene. He would not have thrown the same tantrum if the death was from a gunshot or a drug overdose. He was only upset because it was sensitive to him.
  

There is a real difference between something being offensive and someone being offended.

People get all up in arms over all sorts of things. Christmas is always under fire simply because not all people celebrate Christmas. People are attacked over hairstyles and clothing choices they like because it might be cultural-appropriation. Some schools have been attacked for the food in their cafeteria because some of the students are of a religion or philosophy that prohibits them from eating certain foods, so they want the food banned for everyone. It's ridiculous. All of this came to mind today when I saw this on my brother-in-law's Facebook page today.

 

This is one of those ridiculous arguments I was talking about. She doesn't point out anything bad about Father's Day other than some people are not in the same situation. That's it. That is her entire argument.

If she honestly feels this, to be consistent with her argument, I am suggesting to her some other holidays to eliminate so as not to upset people.

Let's start with Secretary's Day. People who don't have a secretary should not be disrespected on this day. The shame they will feel every year from not having a job worthy of needing a secretary is unnecessary and cruel.

Veteran's Day - There are people who do not come from military families. I personally come from a Navy family, but was rejected for health reasons when I tried to sign up. Myself and hundreds of thousands of others are shamed every year when this holiday shows its ugly head. Non-military families or people who object to the military are forced to have an awful day with all the patriotic idiots running around.

Memorial Day - There are people who have not experienced a loss by death. I've met them. I know a couple of adults who have never been to a funeral in their entire lives. They shouldn't have their day ruined by all the talk of such a depressing nature. 

Valentine's Day - A slap in the face to every single person.

National Pancake Day (Feb 16) - Some of us prefer waffles. Why honor this lesser breakfast?

Inauguration Day - A sad reminder to a large LARGE LARGE number of people that their candidate did not win. 

Black History Month (Feb) - Some people aren't black 

Women's History Month (Mar) - Some people aren't women 

Asian Pacific American Month (May) - Some people aren't Asian Pacific American. Or even just Asian. Or from the Pacific. Or even American.

Doctor's Day (Mar 30) - With the state of the US health care system, many people can't afford a doctor. This entire day is spent in hiding knowing the more affluent in the country are laughing at their poverty (and undetected cancerous tumors).

Take Your Daughter to Work Day - A major indignity to the parents of all boys. It is incredibly painful for the people who are wanting to have children. Excruciating to someone who has lost a child or suffered a miscarriage.

Arbor Day - If a tree fell on and killed your father, you should not be unfairly subjected to this day. Families of lumberjacks often boycott this day.

St Patrick's Day (Mar 17) - Everyone is allowed to pretend they are Irish, but some people don't drink. What are they supposed to do? 

Cinco de Mayo (May 5) - Those people still don't drink, but now it's May. 

Tax Day - Poor people 

National Missing Children Day (May 25) - This day is a blasphemy to those of us who actually kept track of our kids.

Bastille Day (July 14) - Incredibly degrading for those of us who do not know what a bastille is 

Labor Day - Depressing for the unemployed 

Leif Erikson Day (Oct 9) - Rage-inducing for those people who were taught in school that Columbus discovered America 

Columbus Day (Oct 11) - Nearly impossible to enjoy for the Columbus supporters still reeling from the fake holiday two days previous 

Sweetest Day (Oct 16) - My brother is diabetic. How is he supposed to feel on this day? 

Halloween - Downright slanderous for those who have relatives who are actual ghosts now. Incredibly insensitive and thrown right in people's faces. Children actually come knock on your door to make sure you know this hurtful celebration is happening.

Thanksgiving - What are people without families supposed to do? Or people with families but are vegetarians?

Cyber Monday - Discourtesy to Luddites 

Military Spouse Appreciation Day (May 7) - I don't understand. Is every person in the military married? In addition, I suppose all the wonderful spouses out there who don't happen to be married to a person in the military should just be shunned. It is shameful.

New Year's Day - What about people who celebrate the Lunar New Year? 

Groundhog Day - This entire day is a mockery of the many people who have rodent-related phobias.

President's Day - A not-so-subtle slight against the "NOT MY PRESIDENT"-type people 

Read Across America Day (Mar 2) - A day of scorn for the illiterate. An outright affront to authors whose manuscripts have been rejected by publishers.

Let's get rid of them all so no one will be offended. And if anyone can actually come up with a holiday that legitimately is not offensive in any way we still need to ban it because some family out there will have to face it for the first time this year since a loved one died. The rest of the world going on with their lives is the definition of cruelty.

And anyone who might be offended by the removal of one of their beloved holidays is selfish and does not care about the feelings of others.

Maybe, just maybe, if we do all this Daniella Herzog will be happy.  But I doubt it.

 

Christmas Questions

I found a list of questions about personal holiday traditions and I tackled this in this post. So, here's a little about me and my Christmas practices.

What is your favorite Christmas film?

I actually have several favorites and it is difficult to pick just one. Here are the first few I thought of.

The Ref

(1994) - A cat burglar is forced to take a bickering, dysfunctional family hostage on Christmas Eve.

Gremlins

(1984) - A boy inadvertently breaks three important rules concerning his new pet and unleashes a horde of malevolently mischievous monsters on a small town. 

Die Hard

(1998) - An NYPD officer tries to save his wife and several others taken hostage by German terrorists during a Christmas party at the Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles.

Rare Exports

(2010) - In the depths of the Korvatunturi mountains, 486 meters deep, lies the closest ever guarded secret of Christmas. The time has come to dig it up. This Christmas, everyone will believe in Santa Claus.

A Christmas Story

(1983) - In the 1940s, a young boy named Ralphie attempts to convince his parents, his teacher and Santa that a Red Ryder BB gun really is the perfect Christmas gift.

Trading Places
(1983) - A snobbish investor and a wily street con artist find their positions reversed as part of a bet by two callous millionaires.

Scrooged

(1988) - A selfish, cynical television executive is haunted by three spirits bearing lessons on Christmas Eve.

Have you ever had a white Christmas? 
I grew up in the Midwest so I've had plenty of white Christmases. (minus the cocaine)
And, yes, Christmases is the proper plural for Christmas.
I offer Bing Crosby's words as proof.

Suck it, grammar nazis!

Where do you usually spend your Holiday?
This will be my fourth consecutive Christmas outside of the US. I am not only out of my home country, but I've been in countries (China/Vietnam) where they don't even recognize Christmas. So, not only do I not go anywhere, I usually have to work.

What is your favorite Christmas song?
Carol of the Bells
Anything played by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Do you open any presents on Christmas Eve? 
We tried a couple of different traditions when I was a child. We eventually settled on Christmas Eve presents AND we always saved one to be opened the day after Christmas. I don't remember why. Today, we don't exchange gifts.

Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?
At one time I could and might still be able to, but since most of them never bothered to learn my name, I just don't care anymore.

What holiday traditions are you looking forward to the most this year?
We don't really have any traditions. My wife and I only spent one Christmas in the States after we got married. Since then, we have been outside the country. We are away from family. We have no children around and it is typically a workday. We try to get out for a nice meal, but that's about it.

Is your Christmas tree real or fake?
I grew up with a fake tree, so the idea of bringing a real tree into the house was totally foreign to me. As an adult, I learned that we only used a fake tree because it was discovered that my younger brother Kyle was allergic to the real tree.

As an adult, once I got divorced I discovered that my kids weren't really interested in the tree, so I haven't had one since. That was over ten years ago. I will probably never have a tree again.

What is your all-time favorite holiday food/sweet treat?
Reindeer Testicles

Be honest:  Do you like giving gifts or receiving gifts better?
Honestly, I hate both. I find the exchanging of gifts extremely uncomfortable. I refuse to participate in Secret Santa activities any place I work and only begrudgingly do it at family events. I don't know why I am this way, but I am.

What is the best Christmas gift you have ever received?
When I was in high school, my parents got me a stereo. I didn't even know I wanted one until I opened it. It was great. It is probably the gift I got the most use out of.

What would be your dream place to visit for the Holiday season?
I have no idea. I hate cold weather, so no traditional places. I already live on a tropical beach, so no point in aiming for something like that. So…I guess I'll go with the Moonlite Bunny Ranch.

Are you a pro present wrapper? Or do you fail miserably?
I rarely give gifts (see above answer), but on the rare occasion that I do, you'll be lucky if I even take it out of the shopping bag.

Most memorable holiday moment?
Every year brings to mind the time I wandered into the kitchen hours after the big family meal and found a plate on the counter already loaded with turkey, mashed potatoes and dressing. I didn't know who's it was, but I tossed it in the microwave for a moment and snuck off to enjoy it without getting busted by whoever prepared it. I learned later that it was food which had been scraped off people's plates and was about to go out to the dogs.

What made you realize the truth about Santa?
My brain. I'm not stupid.

Do you make New Year’s resolutions?  Do you stick to them?
I made resolutions when I was younger, but I do not anymore. I haven't made any in years. I learned long ago that it is a waste of time. Change happens when you really decide to make the change and dedicate yourself to it. Not because the calendar changed.

What do you wish for Christmas this year?
I feel like I have a pretty good life. My wish is that it would continue.

What makes the Holidays special for you?
There is a lot of assumption built into this question. The holidays are not special to me. I have nothing against them (other than having to hear Christmas music for three months straight), but they are not special. I enjoy seeing my family, but I enjoy that any time. Holidays or not.

Favorite Christmas smell
My favorite smells would be mostly nostalgic. The smells of my mother baking Christmas cookies and making mint chocolate. The smell of a fireplace or wood-burning stove. The morning of the family get-together and the house smelling of all the food that is being prepared.

What is the worst/weirdest gift you have ever received?
The weirdest was given to me by my sister-in-law. Christmas morning, she handed me a very cold gift. I opened to discover an 8-pack of Klondike bars. She laughed as I opened it and said, "You know. Because of that joke you said."  Neither my wife nor I had any idea what she was talking about.

The worst (not that bad, really) came from an aunt. My mother's side of the family was much further away than my father's. We didn't make it to see them every year, but when we did her sister always made sure she got us a gift. It was the same thing every time we came. A Matchbox car. At 17 years old, I still got a new Matchbox car. It was sweet that she bought us anything. I am not complaining. I guess that since they did not see us very often, it was forgotten how old we had gotten.

Favorite Holiday drink?
I discovered egg nog a few years ago. Don't know why it took me so long to try it. I love it. Spike it with cinnamon and bourbon to make it even better.

Have you ever spent Christmas in another country?
Ha! Yes.
Puerto Rico in 2001 (not really another country, but felt like it)
I spent two in China.
This will be my second Christmas in Vietnam.

What place/landmark in your town do you love to visit during Christmas?
I honestly don't have a place I like to visit other than my family's house. When I was a kid, several of us would go to my great-aunt's house down the road to go sledding because she had a huge hill in her front yard.

Were you naughty or nice this year? 
That really depends on who you ask.

Do you own/wear a Christmas themed jumper or T-Shirt?
No. The closest I have come to Christmas themed clothes was a tie that had the manger on it. I wore it to church one year, but it is long gone.

Six Questions

Today's post is inspired by Terri D's Wednesday Medley over at  Your Friend from Florida...  She asks six questions and answering them helps your readers get to know you a little bit better.

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I would love to say that I would spend more time writing. I have a book I have been working on for over a year and have started another one this month, so not needing to sleep would give me a lot of extra time to get them written. However, I also know me. I'm sure I would get some writing done, but I would also get a lot more TV watched. I would read more and I would spend a lot of time wandering around town discovering the nightlife.

These things would not be the best use of my time, but they are what would happen.

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you own/owned?

When I was in high school, I had a striped yellow flannel that I wore all the time.  I loved that shirt and I caught a lot of flak from my friends over that shirt all the time. I always just joked along with them until I was out on a first date one night and ran into one of my friends and he made some comment about the flannel. I had it on at that moment. Maybe they had a point.

Today, my favorite piece of clothing is probably by blue "lounge-around" clothes. It's a pair of super soft cotton short and a shirt that matches. The shirt has a few small holes in the front, but is extremely comfortable. My wife has agreed to never throw it out as long as I only wear it at home when we do not have company.

3. What hobby would you get into if time and money weren’t an issue?

I don't even have to think about this one. Photography.

I have always loved taking pictures, finding just the right angle and figuring out how to utilize the light source. I won a few photography awards when I was younger and one of my photos was even featured in a book, but I never pursued it seriously. I would love to have a great camera and equipment. Then, have all the time and money needed to travel, take pictures, and edit them. I would love it.

4. What would your perfect room look like?

This picture immediately came to mind. This is Stephen King sitting at his desk. He has written dozens of best-selling novels from this spot.

I would want more modern equipment (and lose the phone), but this is it. This room lined with full bookshelves and I might never leave it.

5. When was the last time you climbed a tree?

I honestly don't know the answer to that question. I have climbed hundreds of trees in my life. My brothers and I loved to climb so high that we frightened our parents. We loved to jump from the branches of one tree into another and see who could make the furthest and highest jumps. However, I cannot recall the last time I was in a tree. I do believe that I can say the last time I was in a tree, I was probably much older than when most people get in a tree for the last time. That was still a long time ago and I have no idea when it was. My arthritis keeps me from getting too physically wild these days.

6. Tell us something you will do/did today.

I teach Chinese children online and today (Sunday) is the one day each week that I actually work all day. The rest of the week, I only have evening hours. However, due to a national Chinese holiday next week, the Chinese school schedule has been adjusted to make up for the week off the whole country is about to take. This means all the kids are in school today. Since they are in school, they cannot be taking my classes. This gave me an unexpected day off.

Having this time off meant I needed breakfast. My wife and I wandered off and found a new place that had an amazing breakfast. Breakfast food is quite different in Vietnam, so we loved this find. We will be going back.

Fortune Cookie #12 - Ghost Month

Red and I have moved into a new house in Hoi An, Vietnam and are still unpacking. Yesterday, I came across one of my old writing prompts.

When we still lived in America, I would save my fortune cookie fortunes to write about them later. Apparently, they have been following us around the world.

FYI: Fortune cookies do not exist in China. 

Here are the posts I have done in the past based on my fortune cookies:

1 - Lesson in Patience - My favorite one
2 - Fortune Cookie #2 - I got lazy with the title on this one
3 - New Experiences Aren't Always Good
4 - Fruitless Argument
5 - Mayan Apocalyptic Debacle
6 - Confidence Isn't Enough
7 - Opportunity Knocks
8 - Let's Get To It
9 - Whistling in the Dark
10 - Adventure is Where You Find It
11 - Chinese Beauracracy

 I pulled the first one off the top and here's what I have to work with today:

Keep an eye on national affairs

As an expat in a foreign country, this is an interesting one. Should I be keeping an eye on the national affairs of my home country (America) or the country I live in (Vietnam). Or a careful eye on both since our countries have quite a complicated (and fairly recent) combined history.

It didn't take long after moving to China to discover that keeping up with American news was more difficult from outside the country. The news I did read had a much different perspective since it wasn't generated in America and I had to make more of an effort to stay on top of it. Plus, when you are not actually there, the constantly changing political climate quickly begins to sound like white noise. I'm just not interested anymore. I've decided that if we ever move back to America, we will just have to get caught up when we get there.

As for the national affairs in this country (Vietnam), I still rarely know what is going on. I hear something every now and then that I feel the need to look up, but so often it is about issues and events that I have no knowledge about. It takes time to understand the people and the culture. I grew more and more interested in what was happening around China the longer I was there, but it took a little while to get a feel for how things work. The better I understood, the more interested I was to read the news and stay up to date.

However, I know that I do need to pay more attention. Yesterday (August 31), I learned that tomorrow (September 2) is National Day here. National Day commemorates President Hồ Chí Minh reading the Declarations of independence of Vietnam at Ba Đình Square in Hanoi on September 2, 1945. It's considered to be the day that the Vietnamese officially declared their independence from French Colonization.

This is a major, major holiday here and it would have gotten by me if I hadn't seen a random post on a Facebook forum mentioning internet quality this weekend. I should probably be up on that kind of stuff.

A couple of weeks ago, Red and I were walking into town to get something to eat and all the businesses had pulled tables out on the sidewalks. They had incense and fake money burning on the tables. Some people were burning cloth. They all had various food items diced up and spread around the fires they had built. The smoke was very thick in the streets and made the already treacherous traffic/pedestrian situation even more difficult to navigate.

Last night, the streets of Hoi An, Vietnam were filled with smoke from businesses burning paper on the street. It was so annoying.

Today, I learned that this weekend is the Ghost Festival. Now, it's really cool.

What a difference perspective makes.

— Minor Character (@brettminor) August 25, 2018

I had no idea what was going on until I got home and learned that we are in the middle of Hungry Ghost Month. It is the time of the year when Taoists and Buddhists believe that the realms of Heaven and Hell are open to the realm of the living. It is believed the dead will come to visit the living during this time and it is the time of year when the living can help to alleviate the suffering of their dead ancestors.

A local making offerings to the ghosts

It's a time to pay respect to your deceased ancestors, but there are also supposed dangers associated with this month. Thanh Nien News provided a list of things you are not supposed to do during the entire month:

1. Don’t hang the washing at night since some ghosts may notice it and borrow your clothes for a while. When they return them, they will leave a miasma which is likely to cause the next wearer a bad flu, headache or an even worse illness. Tip: A tumble-dryer will help you skip the hanging part. Modernity could save the day.
2. Never shout out another person’s name at midnight because ghosts will remember the name and later trick the person into following them. Tip: If you hate someone, such as your ex-spouse, invite them to hang out until late and shout their name at Zero Hour, hopefully thus consigning them to hell.
3. “A leg hair manages three evil entities,” claims an old saying. Dear female readers, you should never wax a limb during these days. Your leg hair will protect you from evil and all other spirits. Thankfully, bikini waxing or underarm waxing is okay during the month.
4. Never steal even a single cookie or small guava from the offerings tray before it is offered to the spirits. They could extract fierce revenge for eating their offerings on the sly.
5. Do not take any photos of people at night, especially in dark places, unless you want to have an unsolicited companion standing beside them in the printed image.
6. If you plan to celebrate your wedding this month, you could do worse than postpone it to next lunar month unless you are the kind who’d love to be available again soon after getting married. The Ghost Month is associated with bad luck in daily life, including married life.
7. Don’t wear clothes with skull and bones images because the ghosts could mistake you for one of their own and take you back with them after their short visit to earth.
8. Don’t pick up any currency bills you see on the street during the month. It could be money offered to the ghosts, who will come after you later to claim it back.
9. Don’t buy white clothes or have white suits made during this month. White clothes are for funerals.
10. If you are sick and hospitalized (maybe because you committed some of the "don’ts" above), be sure to keep the light on in your room at night. Otherwise, a wandering spirit from a nearby mortuary might, seeking out its favorite darkness, call on you.

So, staying up on national affairs isn't just abut being aware of the current political association. More awareness could keep us from getting dragged into the realm of the dead. I believe this is the most ominous fourtune I have ever received.

A Relaxing Week

Living and working in China definitely comes with its share of challenges, but it has some great advantages as well. Today, I am enjoying one of those perks. I didn't have to go to work.

About a month after arriving in China, we experienced some horribly unpleasant weeks when we were pulled out of our jobs until our work visas were completed. This left us without work and without money. This experience led me to demand guaranteed pay in my next job. The school can make any decision it wants about how often my classes are cancelled, but my contract states that it cannot affect my pay. This clause has protected me several times.

Right now is one of those times. This past weekend was Memorial Day in America. Coincidentally, we also had a three-day weekend in China. However, here, it is the Dragon Boat Festival (忠孝節). We had to have school on Saturday because the holiday stretched from Sunday to Tuesday. Since we would be missing two days of school, they added an extra day at the end of last week to get one of those days back.

I reported back to work on Wednesday and was told that I would not need to come to work the following day because June 1^st is Children's Day. School would be in session, but it would be a day of parties and there would be no need for English class. I also never work on Fridays, so I had a one-day work week. Lucky me.

Don't let their appearance fool you. All children are horrible.

Children's Day is a major holiday for children here. The kids in my class say that it is better than Christmas. The whole day is dedicated to them. In fact, the majority of my classes for the last month got cancelled because the children were preparing songs and skits for the Children's Day celebration. I have worked so little in the past month, this is why I am happy to have that guaranteed paycheck agreement. Time off is nice, but bills still have to be paid.

With all this time off, I have tackled many of the issues that have needed to be attended to. I have figured out food delivery, how to order stuff online, where to buy clothes in my size (Chinese people are significantly smaller than me), and how to repel panda attacks. I'm starting to figure out how China works.

Qing Ming Jie - 清明节

My wife and I are enjoying a few well-earned days off from our jobs this week due to another one of the Chinese holidays we do not have in the States, Qing Ming Jie (清明节). In English, we would call this the Tomb-Sweeping Festival and it is just exactly what it sounds like. On this weekend, people travel back to their hometowns where their parents or grandparents are buried and sweep the dirt off the grave that has collected over the last year.

This is one of the holidays which kicks off springtime in China. It is celebrated on the first day of the fifth solar term of the traditional Chinese lunisolar calendar. OR…as westerners would say, it's the 15th day after the spring equinox. OR…as I would say, it's on April 4th or 5th each year. I don't know why it has to be so complicated.

Qing Ming Jie is similar to Memorial Day as it is a day to honor the dead, but that is about as far as the similarities go. In America, Memorial Day is celebrated like every other holiday that involves a three-day weekend. We get together to drink some beer and eat a bunch of grilled meat. At some point, someone may put some flowers on a grave somewhere. In China, there seems to be much more tradition involved.

And, as usual, since I spend most of my time with children, it is them that I turn to for my Chinese cultural education. And, since their English is very limited and my Chinese is virtually non-existent, sometimes they ask to draw me a picture instead of trying to explain something. I had no idea what this holiday even was, so two girls tried to draw it for me.

They are drawing pictures of graves.

After looking at the pictures and having a little back and forth with our combined limited language capabilities, I was able to determine that this was a day to commemorate the dead. Okay. Simple enough, but then I asked more questions.

On my way into the school that morning, I saw a street vendor selling something I had not seen before. With a holiday coming up, I figured there must be a connection. So I asked my students about the bundles of money I had seen for sale on the street corners.

It is fake, over-sized money in huge denominations.

They told me that the money is for burning. Burning. Not like we burn money in the States at Christmas by buying way more stuff than is needed, but actual burning. You buy this money and then you burn it. I had to ask why. A girl drew me this picture.

Money is burned for the dead to have a better after-life

Apparently, being dead is not much better than being alive if you don't have any money. I asked my students what a dead person would need money for and several of them shouted out "FOOD!"

I had never considered this. I know how much I love food and how much it really sucks to be hungry, but I didn't think that would be an issue after you kicked the bucket. Well, here it is. I have to do my best not to die in China.

As you can see from the video, we didn't get very far in the explanation department. I don't think any of us generally know what the other is talking about most of the time. However, I did see some of the burning of money happening that night.

And plenty of evidence of it the next day.

These burn spots were everywhere.

I'm not quite sure of the logistics of how this works or where you file your paperwork to be sure that the money you burn gets to the correct person in the afterlife and the children were of no help. They told me that the person you want the money to go to will get it. It just happens.

I continued to ask questions to try to understand this practice:

Can I burn money to go to more than one person?
Why don't the dead just get jobs so they have their own money?
Can I burn money for myself so it will be there waiting for me when I do die?
Is there crime in the afterlife?What if I burn money for my grandma, but another dead guy steals it?

Eventually, a boy raised his hand and said, "This is just Chinese tradition. It is not real. It is an ancient custom."

"Ah," I replied. "It's like Santa Claus. We leave out milk and cookies even though we know he isn't real. It's just tradition."

His jaw dropped open. "What?" was all he could say. Another kid wailed, "Santa's not real?" Half the class started crying.

I'll never understand China.

Tofu Independence

Over the weekend, political correctness hit a new high (or low, depending on how you look at it).

It is a long standing tradition for the president to pardon a Thanksgiving turkey. I understand the humor in the tradition, but have always thought it to be a little silly since being eaten is typically what domesticated turkeys have been bred and raised for.

In the last few years, many city mayors have started doing this on a local level and sending a turkey to go live the rest of its years on a farm somewhere with the turkeys pardoned in previous years. However, this past Thanksgiving, the mayor of Seattle decided to show of the eccentricity of his city by pardoning two tofurkeys. Not just one, but two. Read the story here.

For those of you who may not know, a tofurkey is a turkey-shaped hunk of tofu and wheat protein which has never and will never be alive. This makes the 'pardoning' kind of…well, pointless. If you disagree with me about the validity of this strangeness, consider this. The tofurkeys were then donated to a food bank to be fed to the homeless at a local shelter. This means they were never even actually pardoned to begin with. They are still going to be eaten!

On the upside, if for any reason I was ever in a position where the only way I could have a Thanksgiving dinner would be from a shelter or a community food drive and they served me tofurkey, it just might be the jolt I needed to get my life back on track.

Thankful To Have A TV Without Having To Shank Anyone

Tomorrow, families all over the country will be getting together to remember how blessed they are. Millions of people will sit down at tables surrounded by family and piled high with a feast that usually lasts for days.

Plus, as someone who normally just shows up without bringing anything, this year may be the only year in history where I will be considered a hero for bringing Ding Dongs to Thanksgiving..

People will slip into Tryptophanic comas, watch football, play cards, get drunk, or do whatever their family tradition entails. At least, most people will. Many will not get to participate because the events of the next day have started to creep into Thanksgiving.

Black Friday  /blak ˈfrīdā/  (noun) 
The annual event when people flock to retail outlets to fight complete strangers for unneeded merchandise exactly one day after gathering to express how thankful they are for the things they have been blessed with.

I am not much of a shopper, so this is not something I would ever be into, but I can understand why some people would take advantage of being together and wanting to go do some shopping. If you like shopping, then it seems completely logical. However, over the years it has grown into something that makes me wonder why anyone is still interested in participating.

Looks like fun, doesn't it?

This weekend, we will all start hearing the reports of the people that were killed in the shopping melee that happened on Black Friday. Yes, KILLED!  People die because of Black Friday madness every year. Usually, the first reports of death are of some elderly man who did the unspeakable act of unlocking the doors of the store only to be trampled to death by the salivating shoppers eager to save forty percent on a big screen television.

I personally know people who have gotten a concussion or broken nose because they made the mistake of picking up a piece of merchandise that someone else wanted enough to attack them for it. I really don't understand why this is considered fun.

Unfortunately, we have a growing percentage of people who have no choice in the matter. Retail giant Wal-Mart has decided to open its store at 8 o' clock Thursday evening starting the 'festivities' early. Best Buy, Target and several other retailers are making similar decisions. Not only is the greed for money depressing to watch, but telling employees that they cannot spend that day with their family is unfair. Many who have family out of town cannot go to their family dinner because they can't make it back to work on time.

Retail workers all over the country (Wal-Mart, especially, is making the news) are threatening a Black Friday walk out if these new hours are not revoked. The lawsuits are flying and this holiday season is growing dismal for a lot of people. A cashier at our local Wal-Mart told me that a special employee meeting was held there about this issue and the employees were told that it would not be in their best interests to participate in any of the turmoil popping up around the country. Basically, they were given a subtle threat to keep their mouths shut.

I am so thankful that I do not work in retail and really feel sorry for those people who do. They are about to be put through hell for a few days and will not receive extra compensation for most of it. Holiday pay is for Thanksgiving only and does not cover Black Friday. Some employees will get a few hours of extra pay, but most would surely be willing to give it up and go back home to their families.

As in past years, I will not be setting foot in any store from now until Christmas except to get groceries. For those of you willing to go brave the crowds, please be careful, treat others with respect even if they don't, and remember that there is no Black Friday deal at the emergency room if you do get injured.