Thankful To Have A TV Without Having To Shank Anyone

Tomorrow, families all over the country will be getting together to remember how blessed they are. Millions of people will sit down at tables surrounded by family and piled high with a feast that usually lasts for days.

Plus, as someone who normally just shows up without bringing anything, this year may be the only year in history where I will be considered a hero for bringing Ding Dongs to Thanksgiving..

People will slip into Tryptophanic comas, watch football, play cards, get drunk, or do whatever their family tradition entails. At least, most people will. Many will not get to participate because the events of the next day have started to creep into Thanksgiving.

Black Friday  /blak ˈfrīdā/  (noun) 
The annual event when people flock to retail outlets to fight complete strangers for unneeded merchandise exactly one day after gathering to express how thankful they are for the things they have been blessed with.

I am not much of a shopper, so this is not something I would ever be into, but I can understand why some people would take advantage of being together and wanting to go do some shopping. If you like shopping, then it seems completely logical. However, over the years it has grown into something that makes me wonder why anyone is still interested in participating.

Looks like fun, doesn't it?

This weekend, we will all start hearing the reports of the people that were killed in the shopping melee that happened on Black Friday. Yes, KILLED!  People die because of Black Friday madness every year. Usually, the first reports of death are of some elderly man who did the unspeakable act of unlocking the doors of the store only to be trampled to death by the salivating shoppers eager to save forty percent on a big screen television.

I personally know people who have gotten a concussion or broken nose because they made the mistake of picking up a piece of merchandise that someone else wanted enough to attack them for it. I really don't understand why this is considered fun.

Unfortunately, we have a growing percentage of people who have no choice in the matter. Retail giant Wal-Mart has decided to open its store at 8 o' clock Thursday evening starting the 'festivities' early. Best Buy, Target and several other retailers are making similar decisions. Not only is the greed for money depressing to watch, but telling employees that they cannot spend that day with their family is unfair. Many who have family out of town cannot go to their family dinner because they can't make it back to work on time.

Retail workers all over the country (Wal-Mart, especially, is making the news) are threatening a Black Friday walk out if these new hours are not revoked. The lawsuits are flying and this holiday season is growing dismal for a lot of people. A cashier at our local Wal-Mart told me that a special employee meeting was held there about this issue and the employees were told that it would not be in their best interests to participate in any of the turmoil popping up around the country. Basically, they were given a subtle threat to keep their mouths shut.

I am so thankful that I do not work in retail and really feel sorry for those people who do. They are about to be put through hell for a few days and will not receive extra compensation for most of it. Holiday pay is for Thanksgiving only and does not cover Black Friday. Some employees will get a few hours of extra pay, but most would surely be willing to give it up and go back home to their families.

As in past years, I will not be setting foot in any store from now until Christmas except to get groceries. For those of you willing to go brave the crowds, please be careful, treat others with respect even if they don't, and remember that there is no Black Friday deal at the emergency room if you do get injured.

Wedding Bells in Aisle 5

Since everyone else is writing about Valentines Day, I figured I better jump on the bandwagon. For those of you that are already sick of hearing about V-Day, don't stop reading. This is not a sappy Cupid post. I married and 12 years later divorced the girl in this story. I just wanted to share a story from my life (that just happens to revolve around the topic most discussed today).

Back in 1995, when I was considerably younger and stupider, I was in love with a girl that I just had to marry. We had been dating for a considerable amount of time and I had decided it was time to 'pop the question,' but wanted to do something different. Doing the traditional getting down on one knee or proposing over a candlelight dinner is just not my style. So, I devised a plan.

Christina had said many times that her favorite place on earth was Wal-Mart. She just loved to shop and Wal-Mart has just about anything a person could ever need. I had a college professor once say, "If you can't get it at Wal-Mart, you don't need it." So, I decided there would be no better place to do it. I know, I'm a romantic.

It's where dreams come true....at discount prices

We were headed into town with my friend John and his girlfriend. We were all going out to eat and had to stop by Wal-Mart for a few things first. I had informed John of my plan so he could keep the girls busy until I pulled it off. It was going to be a bit of a challenge. I knew what I wanted to do in my head, but did not know if the store would cooperate.

As soon as we entered the store, I excused myself to the restroom and told them I would catch up. Once they were out of sight, I sought out a manager to explain my plan. I wanted to use the intercom to declare my love.

Since it was a Friday night, the store manager was not there. It was a shift manager who was afraid to grant me permission without talking to his boss first. Since it had taken about 10 minutes to even speak with the shift manager, I was beginning to get concerned about my time. However, this was important and I would do what I had to do.

When he got the manager on the phone, he wanted to talk to me directly. He asked me to tell him exactly what I was going to say. I had rehearsed it, so I told him. He gave me several conditions that I agreed to and asked to put the shift manager back on the phone. After hanging up he told me not to move and disappeared.

At this point it had been almost half an hour since we had entered the store. I was praying that John was doing a good job of keeping the girls busy since this was taking much longer than I had anticipated. I just knew that at any moment they would be returning back to the front of the store and my plan would be foiled.

When he finally came back, he had me sign some papers to relieve Wal-Mart of any liability from the events that were about to transpire. He then said I had to be willing to have our pictures taken for the national Wal-Mart newsletter. I didn't want to consent to this one because I didn't know if Christina would be up for it, but it was a deal-breaker, so I reluctantly agreed. He then wanted to hear what I was going to say again. Finally, after close to an hour of being in the store, he handed me the intercom microphone.

"Attention Wal-Mart shoppers and especially Christina XXXXXXXX of Waltonville. This is Brett Minor and I would like you to answer a question for me. A few days ago I purchased a ring that I want to present to you. I love you and want you to be my wife. Meet me at register 1 if the answer is yes. If you do not arrive within 10 minutes, I will assume the answer is no and leave quietly. I love you and the timer starts now."

I then took my place at the register and waited. As the minutes ticked by a crowd began to gather around me. After a few minutes there was over 100 people standing at the register waiting to see how this was going to unfold. Every woman that came walking around the corner caused the crowd to hold their breath. I would say, "That's not her," and they collectively exhaled with disappointment, "OHHHH." This happened dozens of times.

Every person that came around the corner was coming to watch the show and the crowd continued to grow. Considerately, they never blocked the view between myself and the area she would be coming from. The time continued to click by.

An elderly African-American gentleman approached me and asked, "Are you worried yet?" I wasn't before he asked, but was starting to think about it. I was pretty positive she would say yes, but maybe I was wrong. It was also possible that she wanted to say yes, but was not willing to be a public spectacle and had fled out the back door. Either way, it would be really embarrassing to be standing here rejected in front of all these people.

Someone shouted out, "Thirty seconds left." Everyone started looking at their watches. I stood my ground and tried to maintain my smile. I could hear the people whispering, "She's not coming. Oh, that poor guy. What will he do?"

The crowd began to chant, "TEN!!!"

Oh, great. She really isn't going to show up.

"NINE"

I can't believe I did this. This is the stupidest I idea I have ever had.

"EIGHT"

Are they even still here? We came in one car.

"SEVEN"

The exit is too crowded. I won't even be able to make a quick getaway.

"SIX"

My face feels flushed. Is it hot in here?

"FIVE"

Wait! Is that John? Yes. They're here. 

"FOUR"

Why is he by himself? Where is she?

"THREE"

She slowly walked around the corner. Her face was beet red, but she had a big smile. As soon as I acknowledged to the crowd that this was her, they erupted into applause. I put the ring on her finger, kissed her and the crowd cheered again. We got lots of high fives and handshakes as the crowd began to disperse.

A Wal-Mart employee jumped in to get the shot for the newsletter and we were on our way out to the car. I asked her, "What part of the store were you in that it took so long to get to the front?"

She responded, "I considered leaving and saying yes later after making you sweat, but thought that would be too mean. So, I decided to make you think I wasn't coming."

To Tea or Not To Tea

My blog is a little later this morning than usual. I like to have it up early by either having it written at least the day before and scheduled to post at seven the following morning or write it immediately after dropping Kirsten off at school. Today's delay was caused by a temporary beverage crisis in my house and it had to be remedied before I sat down to write.

Better than cocaine

About three months ago, I swore that I would not drink another soda until my birthday. My birthday had no special significance, it just gave me a tangible goal to shoot for. Due to a few health concerns, specifically, the pain in my throat and chest every time I had another Mt. Dew, I decided to give up soda for a while and see what happened. Starting the next day, I did not buy a soda on my way to work. Giving it up wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I drank a lot of water and bought the flavor packets sometimes to drink other things. Technically, it was still water, but I felt adventurous.

My birthday is Monday, and I look forward to meeting up with my old friend once again, but do not think I will go back to my previous amounts of soda consumption. I have less frequent chest pain and I have lost some weight, which was unintended, but much appreciated. Besides, I have found a new liquid love.

To brew properly is an artful science

My iced tea consumption has increased dramatically. I have always liked iced tea. SWEET iced tea. I don't care for the unsweetened. I am one of those people that cannot drink sweet tea in a restaurant if I have to sweeten it myself. It must be sweetened right after brewing while it is still hot. Then, it may be cooled. In my house it is made the correct way. I know exactly how long I like it to be boiled, the incredibly long time required to slowly get to the boiling point, what brand I like, the amount of sugar to add, the proper time to add the sugar in the preparation process and how long it must be cooled before ready for consumption.

I do not bottle my tea to take with me out of the house. It does something to the taste. I also do not put ice in my tea since the melting ice waters it down. I keep it refrigerated and pour into small glasses that will be consumed before the temperature rises to unacceptable levels. As you can tell, I only drink my wonderful creation at home, and when I am home, it is really the only thing I want to drink, especially now that I am not drinking soda. As I stated earlier, I have always enjoyed tea, but now it is a major staple in my diet.

I don't touch the Wilma ones. She never stopped nagging!

Besides, there are many health benefits to drinking tea. Tea is high in antioxidants which can play a role in reducing the risk of cardiovascular disease by decreasing lipid oxidation, reducing the instances of heart attack and stroke and beneficially impacts blood vessel function. Tea flavonoids lower the risk of certain cancers by inhibiting the oxidative changes in DNA from free radicals and some carcinogens. Tea also inhibits the rate of cell division thereby decreasing the growth of abnormal cells. Tea drinking has been associated with good oral and bone health and other compounds in teas have been shown to support the human immune system. I didn't just know all this stuff. I had to look it up. I found the information from this paragraph at the Tea Association of the United States of America website. Whether I knew it or not, it cannot be denied that tea can be very healthy. However, I believe that the amount of sugar I put in my tea absolutely eliminates any possible health benefits that could be gained from the original substance. That's why I take vitamins for my health; tea is for pleasure.

Since I am not drinking soda, and I save my water consumption for when I am out of the house, I went to  get myself a glass of tea before I sat down to write this morning. The pitcher only contained enough for one glass. While that would be enough for getting me through my blog, I would be out after that and did not even have any tea bags in the house to make more. The idea of not having properly chilled tea in my fridge this afternoon was too much of a distraction to allow me to write, so I had no choice but to run to Wal-Mart and purchase my favorite brand.

I had no crazy adventures while I was there, but I didn't have time for any. I was on a mission. I got my tea, got home, started it brewing, and sat down to write. I am now enjoying my last glass from the pitcher and reveling in the knowledge that there will be more this afternoon. Finally, I can concentrate on my blog. That brings us back to where we started. I like to post my blogs earlier in the day.

Now, what was I going to write about today? I think I forgot to take my meds.

It's All About Patience and Determination

I have had the most amazing week. A few days ago, I was thrilled with the events of the afternoon and then this morning, it happened again.  Life does not get much better. Unfortunately, my daughter could not comprehend the gravity or importance of this monumental occurrence, so I have been trying to educate her.

Sunday afternoon, I was pulling into the Wal-Mart parking lot and was immediately reminded of why I need to plan my trips a little more intentionally. We have one of those super Wal-Marts that is bigger than many small towns, and on the weekends and some evenings, the crowds can be quite overwhelming. As I approached the lot and saw the hundreds of cars, I immediately started to reconsider how much we needed the items I came to get. The over-crowded aisles and the long check-out lines would make this a miserable experience, as usual. I need to remember to plan my Wal-Mart excursions for weekdays, but I decided to brave the masses since I was already there. However, first, I had to find a parking space.

Being the middle of summer, I do not want to walk across 300-degree asphalt any further than I have to, so I began the quest for a decent parking spot. I started my usual routine by pulling into the side entrance to drive by the front doors. This is more than just habit, there is a reason for this approach. Coming in from the side gives me a better view of the front spots. I can quickly scan the spots to my left while I dodge the endless stream of shopping carts exiting the store to my right. This foot traffic does pose a serious hazard, but gives me the slow-motion drive-by opportunity needed to find what I am looking for.

If I come in the front entrance and am driving directly toward the front of the store, there are too many parked cars in the way of potential empty spaces located in the acceptable parking zones. Plus, due to this vastly inferior viewing angle, sometimes a space occupied by a sub-compact or a motorcycle is mistaken for being empty, causing me to bypass various parking opportunities while pursuing what gave the illusion of being a better choice. Upon discovering that the spot is not empty and realizing I should have taken the one I passed two spaces back, it is usually too late to back up because of the Jeep behind me who now thinks that is her spot just because I passed it.

Finding the right spot is crucial in determining the initial mood for embarking on a shopping journey. This concept is held even more dear in other parts of the world. When I lived in Puerto Rico, I was amazed to discover that they had valet parking at Wal-Mart. Being what my ex-wife called ’cheap,’ I never took advantage of this service, but I definitely saw the attraction. These Wal-Marts would rope off all the best spots and then charge the customers to use them. If I wanted to park close, I had to pay for it, however, there was a much greater downside than just having to park further away. Being a major metropolitan area, the parking lot could not accommodate the numbers of cars trying to find a space. So, the people who did not take advantage of the valet ‘convenience’ may not be lucky enough to find a spot at all. However, my frugal nature and sense of adventure would step up to the challenge every time. Because of this, we started to participate in a creepy practice I called ‘shopper-stalking.’ I did not invent this practice and it took a while to understand the unwritten cultural rules for how it works, but the concept was pretty simple.

After cruising up and down all the aisles and determining that there are literally no spots available (not even on the furthest reaches of the lot), drivers start to watch for spots that are about to become vacant. One of the best ways to get a spot is to follow a shopper to their car. This is the creepy part. As an exiting shopper walks into one of the parking rows, if you are swift enough to be the first car behind her, you may be able to get her spot when she pulls out. There are some rules that must be obeyed. The pedestrian, upon noticing that she is being ‘stalked,’ walks on the right side of the lane. The ‘stalker’ stays to the right as well. This allows other cars to pass since the first car has already laid claim to her spot. However, that claim has not been made unless the ‘stalker’ has turned on the right turn signal. Once that signal comes on, it communicates to the other drivers that this spot will be yours, despite the fact that you do not yet know where it is located.

Since these parking lots cover vast spaces, it may take several minutes for the shopper to reach their car and I never did grow accustomed to creeping behind a walking person in my car. It felt so sinister. That is why I called it ‘shopper-stalking.’ Plus, if the person you are following passes between the cars to get at her vehicle in another row, you then have a legal right to race to the next row over and run her down. I only had to do this once, but I did not feel good about it. Her spot wasn’t that good anyway.

Now that I am back in Illinois, I do not have to ‘shopper-stalk’ any longer. My local store always has parking available, even on the busiest days, but I may have to walk for it. I am not doing that. I do not know why I cannot park at the back of the lot, but I just can’t do it. My daughter will get upset because I will spend an extra 10 minutes cruising around the lot to get a spot that is three spaces closer than the one I turned down earlier.

I am willing to trek all over town on foot, so this is not about laziness. Maybe it is male ego or the inability to reject the challenge. I don’t know, but I will not exit the vehicle until I have found what my friend Dawn calls ROCK STAR PARKING. Maybe it is an ego thing.

So, it is a crowded Sunday afternoon and I am approaching the store from the side. I carefully maneuver through the throng of exiting shopping carts, motorized wheelchairs, and leashed toddlers while scanning the spaces. I take the first row right after the doors to look for available spots. The first empty spot is about 15 spaces back. Not good enough. I cut through the row of parked cars to now approach the row right in front of the doors. It appears that there are no close spots in this row either so I will have to go another row over to try my luck. However, as I got close to the end of the row, I saw back up lights come on to my right. This person was pulling out of the very front space! The coveted front space! Only handicapped spaces are closer!

I immediately threw it in reverse to give them room, but someone started honking. There was a car right on my bumper. I couldn’t back up. I quickly reassessed the space between my car and the one wanting to pull out and determined that it may be possible to get out if the driver was very careful and pulled in their trunk. I put the car in park to wait and see how this played out. My daughter exclaimed, “Dad, you have to pull up. They don’t have room.” I let her know I was not going to miss this opportunity. How often does this happen? I will never get to park this close again without a wheelchair. She rolled her eyes, got out of the car, and ran inside the store.

Determined to hold my ground, the driver calculated the extra space he had to work with since he was in the front spot and wasn’t pinned in by cars on both sides. As cars were honking at me and an old woman started tapping on my window, he finally figured it out. I proudly pulled my vehicle into the spot and stepped out of the car with my head held high. The cursing and rude gestures coming at me from random vehicles were not going to bring me down. I knew what I had just accomplished. I don’t remember what happened inside the store or how long it took me to locate my daughter, but it doesn’t matter. The best part had already happened.

Today, six days later, I return to Wal-Mart and am reminding Kirsten of the fantastic experience we had last time we were there. As she pretended to ignore me, I noticed that same spot was just open and waiting for me. I pulled into it with no problem and got to relive the moment again.

Now We're Cookin'

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone again.  I hope you had a wonderful holiday.  I know I did.  We had a smaller gathering this year.  It was my parents, my brother Trevor, my brother Kyle with his family, and Christian, Kirsten and myself.  That’s it, ten people.  It has been a long time since we have had a holiday meal with just us.  I have nothing against my extended family, but it was nice.  I really enjoyed it.

Kirsten and I drove back home to Moweaqua later that night.  My wonderful mother packed us some leftovers to take home which I got into first thing the next morning.  That was when the seriousness of our situation really hit home.  We still do not have a microwave.

If you know me or follow my blog, then you are probably aware that we only moved here a month ago.  Because our last move was into my parents’ fully furnished house, we gave most of our stuff away for that move.  Therefore, when we made this move, we had to locate new stuff.  This isn’t really much of a problem.  We have already acquired a dining room set, dresser drawers, a computer desk and various other things to fill our apartment.  There are some things we don’t have yet.  Our television sits on the floor since we have no entertainment center.  I will get one eventually, but it is not at the top of my priority list.  We also don’t have beds, a couch, or a desk for Kirsten.

The microwave was one of those things that we knew we would eventually get, but could live without in the meantime.  However, it did not take long to rethink this strategy.  We moved here on a Saturday, ate out for lunch, and grabbed a frozen pizza from the local market for supper that evening.  The next day, after church, we needed to put some groceries in the apartment.  I got directions to the nearest Wal-Mart (we needed more than food) and we were on our way.

Once at the store we made a beeline for the grocery section and began hungrily filling our cart.  After about 30 minutes, Kirsten made a profound observation, “How is the shredded cheese going to melt on the burritos?  We don't have a microwave.”  That was a good point.  I hadn’t considered that yet.  Obviously, it couldn’t.  It then occurred to me that we had a problem and not just with the cheese.

After 30 minutes of shopping we had many items in our cart; eggs, milk, frozen burritos, breakfast cereal, lunchmeat, soup, bread, various condiments, Hot Pockets (love them), shredded cheese, etc.  We began to look through our plunder at what foods would be useless to have without the convenience of a microwave.
 
Now before I get started, please note that I do cook.  We do eat vegetables and I am pretty handy with a crock pot, but there are many foods and between-meal snacks that are just designed (or easier) for a microwave.  I had no idea how much we take this appliance for granted until we started digging through the foods in our cart.

Ham & Cheese are best

The first to go back was the burritos and I have missed them.  They are so quick to make and taste so good with the cheese melted over them and topped with sour cream.  They are great for a quick bite or a late-night snack.  But they had to go back in the frozen food aisle, which also meant we didn’t need the cheese or sour cream any longer.  The frozen waffles had to go back as well since we don’t own a toaster either, which now means we have no use for the maple syrup.  I even had to put back my HOT POCKETS.  This was getting ridiculous.

I suddenly began to realize that I would need to modify my shopping list in order to accommodate this change.  I didn’t realize how much of a difference it would make.  I then looked through my list and began crossing things off: NO Easy Mac, NO microwave popcorn, NO pre-made breakfast sandwiches, NO chicken taquitos, NO instant anything.  I could still buy meat, but since I can no longer take advantage of the microwave defrost feature I would now have to employ the antiquated practice of remembering to get it out the night before to thaw so I am not cooking a brick.

After taking back the items that we could not use we refilled the cart with food that could be prepared without a microwave.  We paid for everything, loaded it in the van, and drove home without speaking.  Kirsten was fighting back tears over the loss of her burritos and I wept openly while mourning my Hot Pockets.

Over the next few weeks we began to adjust, but life was never normal.  We made the best of it until Thanksgiving.  That brings us back to where this blog started.  I woke up the morning after Thanksgiving dinner and headed to the fridge to get at those leftovers.  Now, I am willing to eat turkey cold, but dressing and mashed potatoes must be reheated.  The microwave situation had just hit a new urgency.  I refused to live like this any longer.

These ladies really get into the spirit of the day.

I got Kirsten out of bed to inform her we were going into town to find a microwave.  She fearfully reminded me that we could not leave the house because it was Black Friday.  I had forgotten about that, but was willing to risk it.  Four hours later, after fighting with brawling Grandmas and determined soccer moms, we were firing up our new microwave and enjoying Thanksgiving dinner all over again.  We also bought new groceries.  I have my Hot Pockets once again.  Plus, because it was Black Friday, I only paid $54.99 for the microwave. 

Christmas came early this year.

Big Changes

WOW!!!  I haven't blogged in 15 days.  I really enjoy writing my blog, but I have been really busy the last two weeks.  I will get into more detail in future blogs, but I will tell briefly what I have been doing.  My daughter and I have moved to a new town 100 miles from our last one, I am starting a new job in a few weeks, and I have registered for school so I will be a 39 year old full-time college student starting Monday.   So, I legitimately have been really busy.  Plus, I just got Internet in my new apartment yesterday.

There has been plenty to take up our time, besides the usual moving nuisances.  We got most of our stuff unpacked the first night we were here, but still have some things in boxes since we haven't set up the apartment yet (i.e. put together the bookcase, don't own a dining room table, haven't located the coffee pot, etc.).  Kirsten enjoys her new school and has made several friends already.  We really like our new church and have met dozens of families around the community there.

So now we are learning all the new things we need to know here.  Since Moweaqua is a small town of 2,000, many of the things we need are outside of town.  Decatur is 30 miles north, Springfield is 40 miles west, Shelbyville (much smaller, but has a Wal-Mart) is 25 miles southeast.  These are not vast distances, but they are far enough away I need to plan ahead.  When I lived in Dix if I didn’t have something I needed it was no big deal.  I would be in Mt. Vernon the next day and could grab it.  Mt. Vernon was 8 miles away and I went there every day anyway.  That is not the case here.  I now have a minimum of 50 mile round trip.  Once again, the distance is not a bad thing.  I just need to plan ahead since we will no longer be making those impromptu trips to the store.

Unlike most people, I love moving into a new town and making new friends at my new church and working at my new job.  Yes, I left some old friends behind, but they are still my friends and now I will have some more.  There is one couple that lives here that I was friends with in college and I am excited to get to spend time with them again, but also look forward to the new relationships that will be formed.