I Need More Hours in the Day

I had a leisurely day planned for today. Physical therapy at 9 a.m. and a graduation to attend tonight at 6. I wanted to mow my yard, do a little house cleaning, some reading and maybe hit the gym. However, it did not turn out that way. I got done with therapy at ten and called Adam to see if he wants to go to the gym with me. He informs me that we just got hired to do a show at a local school that starts at noon. It was the last day of school and after the awards ceremony the school wanted to throw a party for the kids.

I flew home to get changed and we headed out to get the equipment. We get to the school and set up. They had a bouncy house, a jousting ring and obstacle course for the kids. The students ate outside, ran around like mad, danced to our music and requested a bunch of songs that we could never play at a school function.

At this event, I was told of an open house that afternoon at the homeless shelter I have been working with for the last year. After breaking down, I had time to go home, get showered from sweating outside all afternoon and go pick up my daughter before heading back to pick up Adam and go to the shelter.

After shaking a few hands and eating a few brats, we took Adam home to get to the school for the six o' clock graduation. On the drive over, I was explaining to Kirsten how the day had not gone as I had planned and I was looking forward to this graduation being over and getting back home. I was worn out.

The great thing about this graduation was that it was at a small private school. Very small. The high school graduating class consisted of two boys. Between handing out the diplomas, a commencement speech and a little Pomp & Circumstance, we should be back home by 6:30. My unexpected long day was moments away from being over.

When we got there, I noticed that there were an awful lot of people there to watch two kids graduate. I soon learned that there were four graduates, not two. Another kid who had completed the off-campus studies program and would be crossing the stage with these kids he had never met and a 75 year old man who had never graduated high school and started taking classes to get his long awaited diploma. That was actually pretty cool. However, it still seemed like a lot of people for only four graduates.

We took a seat next to a couple that we knew but hadn't really seen in a few years. They had a daughter who was about to turn three and I had never met. She was immediately taken with Kirsten and wanted to sit by us and talk.

Two minutes after meeting me,
she is telling me her life story.

A lot.

She talked and squirmed and crawled under the seats and tried to lick her finger to stick it in Kirsten's ear. Her dad said that at home she has her own version of the Wet Willy. It's called the Butt Willy. I'll leave you to figure out how that works for yourself.

Once the ceremony started, her dad made her sit in his lap. He said it was because he didn't want her to be a nuisance, but I couldn't help but notice it was right after I asked her if she would get in my car if I gave her some candy. For the next few minutes she kept asking me when we could go get the candy.

The principal stepped up to the mike to welcome everyone, said a quick prayer and stated that he would announce the graduates. I checked my clock: 6:07. We would be out of there in no time. After announcing the first name, a 4 foot person approaches the stage.

THIS WAS A KINDERGARTEN STUDENT!!!

Apparently, due to the size of the school, they do all the graduations at once. This would take a little longer than I thought. They gave the precious child her diploma and then had several children come to the stage to sing a song. A very loooong and slow song. When it was over, they moved to the 8th grade graduates. There were three in this class. They walked the stage fairly quickly and then brought up the singer to commemorate their achievement.

Here is one of the things about small schools...or any small organization. There is not a large talent pool to pull from. I know that not everyone is good at everything, but when you have 1,200 people to choose from, at least a few will be exceptional at any given talent. When you only have abut 20 people to choose from, you may end up with this:

I understand that she should be commended for having the courage to get up in front of everyone and sing, but courage will only impress people to a degree. Since this song was rather long and I was slowly coming to the realization that I was not getting out of here any time soon, I needed something to entertain myself.

Looking for something to do, I noticed the little girl from earlier staring at me. Every move I made caused her eyes to follow me. So, I turned off the flash to my camera and decided to have some fun.

I stuck out my tongue. She quickly followed suit.


I sucked in my lips and she did the same.


I pushed my nose up like a pig and she pushed hers up as well.

I crossed my eyes and she did this.


We had great fun for several minutes until something she did caused me to laugh.

She did not appreciate it and screamed at me.


I was able to escape her father's detection and played dumb.

That outburst caused her to have to go sit with Grandma.

With my entertainment gone, my attention was shifted back to the stage. The graduating seniors were brought to the stage and given their diplomas. The senior citizen and off-campus student were both recognized and the on campus graduates each addressed the crowd. No mention was made of valedictorian or salutatorian, but when there are only two people, does it really matter?

After their speeches, we were treated to a slide show set to music that chronicled every picture that had ever been taken of each of these boys.

Being a Christian school, it was followed up with a sermon and then finally concluded. This ceremony for one kindergartner, three 8th graders and four seniors (total of 8 people) had taken one hour and 37 minutes. I promptly told Kirsten to say her goodbyes and head to the car.

The principal jumped on stage for a last announcement.

"The families of the graduating seniors have prepared a meal and you are all invited to stay and eat."

Well, that changed everything. The main reason I wanted out of there so fast was to get some food. We fought the crowd to get to the tables in the back. Once sitting, the allure of food and good conversation distracted me. When I rose to leave, over two more hours had passed.

I never did make it to the gym.

Getting Tired of Hospitals - OR - (screaming) Oh, Kelly Clarkson

It is time for another installment of our continuing series involving trips to the emergency room with Adam Elliott. I don't plan when these posts are going to happen any more than I can plan when Lindsey Lohan is going to appear in court next. It just happens.

For my regular followers, you already know that Adam has been in the E.R. several times in the last few months. I have written about each one of these visits and they have been some of my most popular posts. So, recognizing what people like to read about (regardless of how disturbing it may be), I decided to share this one as well. Here are the first three if you need to catch up:

• Abscessed Adventures with Adam
• Hop Along Sunday
• Dad, Do You Ever Get That No-So-Fresh Feeling?

I have used an alias for Adam in the last couple of posts in order to save him from the embarrassment caused by the first time I wrote about him. However, somehow people saw past my subtleties and fake names and figured out who I was talking about anyway. So, I will just use his real name. That should prevent any further confusion.

In my first emergency room post, the reason for being there was an abscess that had burst in the middle of the night, causing lots of blood and a huge understandable freak out from Adam. Since this had already happened to him once, he recognized the signs and knew that he was having the same problem again. This time, however, there were four and they were all in the groin area again.

Since we had to DJ for a dance on Saturday night, he decided to get them fixed to prevent them from bursting while working the dance. That would have been a problem. So, we went to the hospital on Friday night.

Please keep in mind that Adam was in a lot of pain and was not in the mood to speak with medical personnel. 

After parking the car and locating the room they placed him in, I witness him impatiently trying to justify to a nurse why he is back again. Explaining again why he doesn't have a regular doctor and describing again why he had his foot amputated. It gets old telling the same stories again and again.

After laying spread eagle on the bed to show the doctor where the problem was, he was advised to go home and take a hot bath. The doctor then chastised us for waiting so long to come in. Adam tried to get him to understand that after having parts of both feet cut off and spending over two weeks in a coma, he has a severe aversion to coming to the hospital at all. The doctor then explained that at midnight on a Friday, the surgeons required to fix this problem are not available and would not come in for so minor a problem.

Adam raised his groin up in the air and exposing the area, yelled, "You mean this is a minor problem! I can hardly move!"

The doctor looked again and hurriedly exclaimed, "Oh, I didn't see that one! We will take care of that right now." He then rushed out of the room.

I was relieved to hear that they were going to take care of this and started to say so, but noticed that Adam was not doing very well.

Now, if you ever want to have someone with you to keep a serious situation light-hearted and maintain a sense of humor to keep you distracted, I am your man. Regardless of the intensity of the moment, the jokes just keep coming. Once, after replacing a friend's calf muscle (true story) and having seen his shin bone from his knee to the ankle, we kept laughing as we struggled to stop the bleeding. We joked as we carried him to the car and kept doing it as we rushed to the hospital. He was even laughing and making jokes. I've been told humor is my defense mechanism. I can't help it.

However, I could quickly tell that Adam was not responding to attempts at humor and definitely was not going to be laughing even if I handed him comedy gold. I attempted to switch to good friend/comforter mode. I am not nearly as good at this.

His body was starting to shake at the thought of what was about to happen. He had experienced horrible pain when the area was even touched and they were about to cut into it. I tried to calm him and help him see how this was going to be worth it and he understood that, but was very scared. After all of his surgeries, he really doesn't like being cut on anymore.

I am not going to go into details as I have in the past, but I will say that I saw the inside of parts of Adam's body that I never even wanted to see the outside of. I stayed in the room for the whole thing as extra weight to sit on him a friend to help keep him calm while they did what they had to do. I learned that Adam has a lung capacity that I did not know was possible. I have heard him scream in pain before, but he launched into a scream that lasted at least a full minute without taking another breath.

They took care of the worst part of it, but now he has to get scheduled for a full surgery to complete it this week. He will be knocked out for his one. We are also going to try to talk them into removing the staples that are still in his foot from his last surgery.

---

I had decided to not write about this one, but Adam insisted. When Adam goes to the ER, my stats explode. I try to make it funny while I tell the story, but usually there are a few things that happen that make it funnier. This visit was not funny. I hated seeing my friend in that much pain and not being able to do anything about it. Hopefully, our future hospital visits will have more comedic value and not be as serious.

Technically, I guess I should be hoping not to have future hospital visits.

I am a Person and Other Complaints

This post is an attempt (but don't take it too seriously) to paint a less pathetic more accurate picture of my friend Adam Elliot. I have mentioned him in several blog posts and a few times the post was even centered around him. In fact, some of my most popular and funny posts have been about him going to the emergency room.

1. Abscessed Adventured With Adam   Ranked #1
2. Hop Along Sunday   Ranked #5
3. Dad, Do You Ever Get That No-So-Fresh Feeling?   Ranked #3

Adam has a unique handicap originally caused by a rare blood disorder which makes him susceptible to various ailments and injuries caused by his restricted mobility. You can read his story on his blog here. Since he has had portions of each foot amputated, it causes severe pain if he is too active. However, since he can get around (slowly...oh, so slowly) for short distances, it is possible for someone to not even be aware of his limitations.

Almost every time I have included him in a post, it has centered around some of these issues.  However, our relationship is not based on his handicap, as evidenced by some of our conversations.

While trying to decide where to eat:
Adam: Do you know what I haven't done in a long time?
Me: (long pause) Uh.....hurdles?

Despite the jokes, which he is more than proficient at dishing out as well, we have a lot of fun together. For a while after his hospitalization and surgeries, Adam couldn't do a lot for himself and required a lot of assistance. He lived with his brother for a while, who took care of him and made sure he had what he needed. After several months, I became that person. He even lived with us for a short time. He has come a long way since then.

I first met Adam when he was in junior high school. I was a counselor at a summer camp and he left an impression even at that young age. Just as is true today, if Adam was in the room, everyone knew it. He has never had much talent at blending in or staying in the background. Just like the present, his mouth got him into a lot of trouble.

After that summer, I ran into him occasionally. Years later, he would drop in at the church I was working at to visit with the senior minister who had been his youth minister growing up. We would go out to lunch occasionally. Then, Adam disappeared. Since he hadn't been a regular part of my life, I didn't think anything of it.

The next time I saw him, he was in the wheelchair and I got to hear the story of what he had been through for the last 6 months. For some reason, we hit it off after that and became the friends we are now. He doesn't even get mad when I challenge him to a game of Dance Dance Revolution.

Adam now has a DJ service which is getting more and more business all the time. He does weddings, local taverns, class reunions, school dances and whatever else someone may need. It is a full music and laser light show. I accompany him on some of these show and assist with setting up and tearing down. Once the show starts, you would never know he is missing part of his body. He is even pretty popular with the ladies, a fact that he displays no humility about.

Adam is offering a special DJ discount to followers of this blog. He and I will do your show for free. You will only be responsible for our expenses to get there and back. Adam is especially hopeful that fellow blogger Bozo will accept this offer and the fact that she is in India has nothing to do it.

Don't think you can't get slapped
just because you're in a wheelchair.

Although, the handicapped act only carries him so far. He doesn't have a free pass. It is possible to cross the line even when you don't have feet. He doesn't take it personally. He knows that it was not his inability to participate in a marathon that got him slapped. It was his mouth.

Although, we do have to think of a new phrase for him, since "Sticking his foot in his mouth" doesn't really apply here.

Despite the regular beatings he gets from various women, he does have a social life. He goes out with his friends, goes to the movies, attends community events, is active in his church and travels occasionally. He and I have caused trouble in this town on several occasions and will continue to do so.

---

Shout out to Whitney Whaley
at Paul Mitchell.

I just had to take a break from this post because he just called me to go experience what he called "something wonderful." He took me to the Paul Mitchell cosmetology school to get their scalp massage. Despite having school work to do, I agreed and spent 30 minutes in a chair getting my scalp rubbed, while they put in all sorts of lotions and conditioners. Not the sort of thing I would ever think to go get done, but it was fantastic. I feel great and my hair looks magnificent. I feel so pretty.

With the writing of this post, hopefully my regular readers now know that the friend that I refer to is not a whiny home bound reject. In fact, he just got a date with one of the girls that was fixing his hair. He does actually have a brain and a life and goes to more places than just the hospital and bathroom.

Hopefully, now his persistent phone calls about my blog's depiction of him will come to an end.

I feel so very pretty.

DT or not DT

This has been one of the busiest weeks I have experienced in a long time, but it has also been incredibly enjoyable. I have written many papers for college, attended a wedding, assisted in DJing another wedding with my buddy Adam (aka DJ TRAIN), cooked and fed breakfast to the Mt Vernon Rams football team, and spent some much needed and appreciated time with friends and family. It has been a great week, but yesterday was the high point of it all.

My next door neighbor is the program director for WVYN 90.9FM. This is a fairly young Christian radio station known as THE VINE. The station is named after the verses in John which state, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:1-5)

Despite how young this station is, it has grown very quickly and has been used by God in wonderful ways. The staff has prayerfully done their best to step back and let God take control and they have definitely seen the fruits of their obedience and reliance on Him. The station has gotten heavily involved in the surrounding communities and been successful in communicating with and promoting many contemporary christian artists.

Wednesday evening I was out in my front yard talking with Kevin (known as DT to his radio listeners), and he asked me if I was free the next day. Once I told him I had no plans, he invited me to come be on the morning show at the station. Anyone who knows me personally knows how much I love to hear myself talk, so the opportunity to bless hundreds of other people with the pleasure of my voice could not be refused.

Can you tell I was enjoying this?

As we were discussing details of the morning show, Adam Elliott drove up and Kevin (DT) invited him to come join us. So, Adam and I were on the road at 6 a.m. the next morning to join the show at 7 o'clock. We were thrown behind the microphones as soon as we walked in. We participated in the morning trivia games with the listeners, bantered back and forth with each other and took several calls. It was great, although a few times I had to be reminded by Kevin that his name is DT on the air. That was hard to remember since I have called him Kevin for several years. It took a little getting used to and I tried to do better, but I know I called him Kevin a few more times.


In the middle of the show it was time for me to do what I had been invited there for. Kevin had asked me to share a message on the show. I shared a topic that is often on my heart and I am always teaching to new Christians. It is a very simple concept. We need to be in the Word. 

READ YOUR BIBLE!!!

In Yellowstone National Park there are signs all over the place reminding tourists not to feed the bears. There are a variety of reasons for these signs. One of the hopefully obvious reasons is the fact that bears are very large animals and can be extremely dangerous when they want to be. Feeding bears is not a safe activity for tourists. This also causes bears to start associating people with food and may endanger future tourists to the area. However, there is another reason that many do not consider. Feeding food to bears that was intended for people is not good for the bears. Bears are designed to eat berries, fish and various other bear-type food. It is very important that they eat the right foods as they are building up fat for the winter months. As bears hibernate, their bodies burn off the excess fat that they have accumulated over the course of the year. However, a bear that has gorged itself on Twinkies, Big Macs and cupcakes has built up a layer of sugar-based fat that will burn off too quickly during the harsh winter months. Because they ate junk food and not the solid food they were designed to eat, there is a highly increased chance that the bear will not survive the winter.

Likewise, there are many of us out there who go to church, listen to christian music, hang out with other christians, wear christian t-shirts and read great christian books, but are still (often unknowingly) starving spiritually. We do not recognize that we are only consuming Christian "junk food." Unless we are regularly taking in the solid food of the Bible, then when the struggles of life inevitably come along we are "like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." (James 1:6) The best way to know Jesus and be grounded in what he teaches is to be familiar with the love letter God gave to us. 

"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope."

Romans 15:4

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads." 

Deuteronomy 11:18

Listening to sermons is a good thing, but should not be our only tie to Scripture. In Acts 17:11 the Bereans were commended for checking the Scriptures to see if what they had been taught was true. Surrounding ourselves with praise music is a wonderful practice and often helps to keeps us focused, however, it should never take the place of the depth of maturity and learning gleaned from personal devotion time in the Word. It is these kinds of practices that caused Paul to chastise the church in Hebrews 5:12 about still feeding on milk like babies, rather than on solid food as they should be. God wants us to know him and that is one of the reasons he gave us the Bible. We need to spend time in it.

I have absolutely no idea how many people got to hear that message Thursday morning or if it really touched anyone, but I had a great time sharing it. Kevin (or DT) even invited us to come back despite the fact that I said that christian radio was 'junk food' on the air.