The Awards Fairy Is Back Again

As I got home from work today, a large sedan pulled in right behind me. Two large men stepped out followed by a short balding man, who I immediately recognized as Cecil Dungliteur. This is a man who I used to only know as the Awards Fairy. He has terrorized me several times, stolen the contents of my house on more than one occasion, and cost me thousands in legal fees last February.

To catch up on what he has done to me:
The Awards Fairy Came By
Return of the Awards Fairy
Awards Fairy Detox
The Awards Fairy Strikes Again
The Awards Fairy Is Still At It
The Awards Fairy is Foiled
Awards Fairy Get Even

I immediately protested, "NO! NO! NO! Get out of here. You're not allowed to be here. Get away from me."

The Awards Fairy just stood there smiling. One of his goons said, "Surely, you're aware that he judge threw out the order of protection." The Fairy added, "He should be. He was there."

The biggest one stepped forward and produced three envelopes from inside his suit jacket and threw them at my feet.

"What's this? You can't do your own dirty work anymore?" I asked the Fairy.

"I just brought them along in case you try something."

"In case I try something? I need protected from you."

The goon who produced the envelopes said, "The court didn't see it that way, Mr. Minor" and he stuck out his hand.  "Tip?"

I looked at his large hand. "You have got to be joking?!"

The other one took a step forward. I quickly grabbed my wallet. "All I have is a twenty."

"That'll do," he said as he snatched it.

They hopped back in the car and laughed as they backed over my mailbox.

I picked up the envelopes and made my way inside the house to open them. One of the envelopes was a bright pink, so I opened it first. A new award I hadn't seen before fell out onto the table.

The inscription on the back said that this Inspiring Blog Award was given to me by Jules McMurray at My Mom's a Whack Job on February 24. That was only two weeks after my court date. Why did it take so long for them to deliver it to me?

Since the judge put me on two years probation concerning these awards, I must follow them to the letter to stay out of trouble. This one appears to be pretty simple. I have to list seven facts about me and ten bloggers that inspire me.

FACTS:

1. I got a lump in my throat when Michael showed up for Dwight's wedding in the series finale of The Office. I'm going to miss that show.
2. Last week, I had a cooler full of human blood in my van all morning. (I'll not explain unless someone asks.)
3. I have been accepted into Red's family to the point that I am referred to as Uncle Brett by her nieces.
4. I have changed jobs again. I now deliver office supplies.
5. I finally have a smartphone. My biggest reason for holding out on getting one turned out to be valid. I am always on it.
6. I just got a new recliner. Now I have too many...if that's possible.
7. I own over 60 ties, but haven't worn one in almost ten years.

BLOGGERS WHO INSPIRE ME:

1. Rodney Lacroix of Mental Poo
2. Stephen Hayes of The Chubby Chatterbox
3. Jessica R. Patch
4. Linda Roy of Mod Mom Beyond Indiedom
5. Kianwi of Simply She Goes
6. Rachael of Rachael's Insane Rants and Bizarre Musings
7. Addman of Muppets for Justice
8. Outlaw Mama
9. A Beer for the Shower
10. Kate Hall of Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?

The other two envelopes contained the same award although they looked different. They were both the Liebster that makes its way all over the blogging world.

The first was from Shawn Yankey at Laughing at Life, 2.

Shawn is a professional stand up comic. Now, I have won blogging awards from a published writer, and a professional comic. Now I just need an award from a magician to have all the arts covered.

The second was from Alison Sommer at Off the Mark.

Alison will be speaking at TED Talks soon. That's another award from a person who is a star even outside of the blogging world.

The Liebster gets around everywhere and has several requirements. Each person gave 11 questions to be answered. I must make 11 of my own and then pass it on to 11 more bloggers (with less than 200 followers), as well as list 11 facts about myself. I double checked the judges' orders and it looks like I can combine the people I pass it on to, but not the questions. I have to answer them all.  Here they are.

From Shawn:

1.  If you could choose to have any superpower, what would it be?
   The ability to do anything I can think of?
2. What would you do for a Klondike bar?
   Buy one on sale.
3. If you could be any cartoon character, who would it be and why?
   Pigpen from Peanuts, because people left him alone.
4. What is your favorite movie?
   Pulp Fiction
5. If you could be granted one wish, what would it be for?
   To have the superpower mentioned earlier.
6. Why did the chicken cross the road, besides to get to the other side?
   He just got off work and went home.
7. If you had the power to change laws, what would you make legal and what would you make illegal?
   Anything I wanted to do would be legal and it would be illegal to stop me.
8. What is your favorite way to spend your free time?
   Spending time with Red. If she's not around, then reading a book or watching a movie.
9. What is your favorite quote?
   If you do what you've always done, then you'll get what you've always got.
10. In your opinion, do you think man has really been to the moon?
    No.
11. What is your favorite quality in the opposite sex?
    They're not me.

From Alison:

1. What is your happiest childhood memory?
   The adventures with my brothers.
2. If you could have a super power, what would it be?
   Didn't we cover this one?
3. What has surprised you the most about how your life has turned out?
   I still basically live where I grew up.
4. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?
   I would have started college sooner.
5. What is your ultimate vacation?
   Traveling to other cultures, eating the local food, and meeting the people.
6. If I were to meet you in person, what is the first thing I would notice about you?
   My lack of social restraint.
7.  If you needed to emigrate, what country would you choose and why?
   Norway. It has the least personal life restrictions.
8. What is your ultimate way of relaxing?
   A good book.
9. What instrument have you always wanted to play?
   Guitar
10. What role or part would you play in a movie?
    I would love to be the bad guy.
11. What's your favorite song when traveling?
    A mixture of Classic Rock.

Facts about me:

1. I pour milk over cake and eat it out of a bowl.
2. I can now access Facebook and Twitter from 18 different devices. I think I may be a robot.
3. I sleep with three pillows, but one of them is so big it could be three pillows on its own.
4. I have been the best man in 14 different weddings.
5. I order soft drinks without ice. I hate when it waters down the soda.
6. I have never gotten a piece of clothing caught in a paper shredder or garbage disposal.
7. I love thunderstorms. BIG ONES!
8. As evidenced by her last post, Red and I have very different taste in movies.
9. I hate hummus. I have tried many different varieties. None of them are good.
10. I just discovered Duck Dynasty. I get it.
11. I just learned that due to my new job, I can write off my morning Mountain Dew.

Bloggers I am passing this award to:

1. We Are Adventure
2. Snaps and Bits
3. Jeneral Insanity
4. Antijenic Drift
5. Wrinkled Mommy
6. When a Lion Sleeps, Let It Sleep
7. Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi
8. In Shane's Brain
9. The Train's Whistle
10. Next Step
11. Ash-Matic Does Things

 A few of these bloggers don't have their followers visible on their blogs, so I don't actually know how many followers they have. If any of you have over 200, feel free to ignore. I will not be offended.

However, ATTENTION BLOGGING WORLD!!!

I now have 200 followers. I have accepted the Leibster Award for the last time. I no longer qualify for it. Can you tell that I am heart-broken?

The Awards Fairy Gets Even

I just got home from a long day sitting in a court room. Judges are as bad as doctors. They give you a time to be there and then make you sit for hours before they call your name. Plus, I couldn't get anyone to tell me why I was there.

A few weeks ago, I received a subpoena to testify in court against Cecil Dungliteur. Since I have no idea who this or any other Cecil is, I called the circuit clerk's office to find out what this was all about. They looked up the file and assured me that I was the correct person. I explained to them that I had never heard of Cecil Dungliteur, but they only responded by explaining to me the penalty for not showing up when issued a subpoena.

Despite a scheduled 10:00 court appointment, I never heard the name Cecil until about 2:45. Upon hearing that name, I looked up from my Angry Birds and realized I did know this guy. I had just never learned his name. I had only known him as the Awards Fairy. We have met several times and despite the blogging awards he always brings me, it has never been a pleasant experience.

Past Awards Fairy Experiences:
The Awards Fairy Came By
Return of the Awards Fairy
Awards Fairy Detox
The Awards Fairy Strikes Again
The Awards Fairy Is Still At It
The Awards Fairy is Foiled

I was glad to get to finally see him in court to get some justice, but was still a bit perturbed that I hadn't been forewarned that this was why I was here. I wasn't prepared.

As they started reading the charges against him (all of which had been prompted by my repeated call to the police), he and his lawyer began to smile as they shook their heads. When finished, the State's Attorney asked if he had anything he wanted to say. The fairy Mr. Dungliteur responded that he was only doing his job. He stated that the first time he met the plaintiff (me), I had invited him into my house.

That was true, but I didn't know that he wouldn't leave.

He also stated that I had bought him a pizza, let him crash on my couch a few times, and use my phone while he was there.

All those things had happened, but I didn't let him. He just did them and I couldn't get him to leave.

I interjected, "What about the time the police showed up as you were trying to break into my house?"

His lawyer piped up, "My client claims he was just dropping some awards off to you through an already open window."

I yelled, "That's not true!"

Cecil spoke up for the first time, "Did you find anything missing?"

"Well, no, but that is only because they caught you before you did anything."

Then the judge threatened me with contempt if I interrupted the proceedings again, so I sat there silently as the lawyer explained away every contact I had ever had with the the Awards Fairy. He claimed I had invited him to stay. He said that the items he had stolen from me had either given to him or lied about ever having them to begin with.

When they did finally put me on the stand, I was asked if I enjoyed receiving the awards and did I always accept them when offered by the Fairy. I answered that I did. The lawyer then shook his finger in my face and accused me of not always following the rules of the awards given to me.

The judge said, "I find it quite arrogant, Mr. Minor, that you want to hold Mr. Dungliteur accountable when you don't even follow the rules yourself. We have found on three different occasions when awards were given to you and you did not pass them on to as many other bloggers as required. For one of those awards, you didn't pass it on at all."

I tried to reason with them, "Are you serious? A person can only read so many blogs. Some of those awards require you to pass them on to as many as eleven other bloggers. ELEVEN!!! How am I supposed to pass on that many awards when I may have just passed awards to as many as twenty people just a few weeks before that. I can't just keep giving them to the same people over and over."

The lawyer bellowed, "So, you just thought you would keep them all for yourself!"

I pleaded, "No. Some of those awards are popping up all over the place. The Liebster, for instance, I have won a half dozen times, as have several other people. That one pops up everywhere. I thought I would thin it out a little bit."

The judge wagged his finger at me and said, "We don't just get to decide to do things however we want. Rules are in place to keep society from erupting into chaos and it is people like you that keep trying to pull us back into the Stone Age when men bashed women over the head and drug them back to their caves. Is that what you want, Mr. Minor, to be able to hit women with clubs?"

I blurted out, "WHAT?!? No, I just..."

The judge pounded his gavel and said, "Based on the testimony brought to light here, I find the defendant, Cecil Dungliteur, not guilty. As for Mr. Minor, I am placing you on 24 months probation. If you break even one blogging rule in the next two years you will immediately be found guilty on all counts."

"On all counts of what? I haven't been charged with anything."

(gavel pounds again) "Court adjourned."

As the judge walked to his chambers, I sat there trying to decipher what had just happened. The lawyer walked up to me with a smirk and tossed two envelopes in my lap. He said, "Try not to mess this up or we'll be seeing you again."

I opened the first envelope and found an invoice from Vinny C of As Vinny C's It. Vinny had awarded me the Tanned Hide Award.

Since I was now being threatened with jail time, I figured I had better familiarize myself with the rules for accepting this award. According to Vinny, I have to say who I think deserves to be put over a knee to be punished. He also said that this is not a kinky thing, but is meant to be a well-deserved punishment. I also have to pass the award on to up to three bloggers that I deem worthy of this award. Please note that it did not say three. It said up to three. That means I could give it to one or two and still be compliant with the judge's orders.

The person I believe needs their hide tanned - Years ago, I worked as a salesmen at a cellular company. I was good at my job and had even gotten Salesman of the Quarter once. That award was for top sales in the entire company. However, I worked in the office with the woman who normally got that award. She got the award in a more devious way than I did. She had a way of stealing sales. She was adept at finding ways to make one of us busy so she could grab the customer and since her sales were so high corporate really didn't like to get on to her. Even when one of us would complain, nothing would be done because she made them too much money.

Her and I did not get along even before I was in sales and she found ways to make me miserable. The final straw before I quit was when she suddenly decided to bring scented candles into the office. I am allergic to artificial scents and when I brought this to her attention, she just smiled. The next day she brought in more. I went to our supervisor to explain the problem with the candles and she said that nice smells are part of a pleasant sales environment that I should get used to.

I didn't want to be the guy that threatened legal action, especially since I was on my way out in a few weeks anyway, but was appalled that they were willing to put the health of one of their employees at risk just to keep another employee happy. It has been almost 10 years and I still get angry when I run into either one of those two women. I would love for both of them to get the tanned hide.


Passing this onto these bloggers

Outlaw Mama - She actually has a law degree, so hopefully won't question the accuracy of my courtroom story.

Lily at Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose - I have been reading Lily for a long time and can't wait to hear who she would want to spank.

---

That takes care of that award. I followed the rules and can't get into trouble for it. I opened up the second envelope and found a familiar award. It was the same one I mentioned to the judge as having been everywhere and here it was again. The Liebster award had been sent to me by The Real Yetisaurus.

Here are the rules:

1. Each blogger should post 11 random facts about themselves.
2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, and then create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.
3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.
4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.
5. No tag backs.

Ugh! This one has so many. First, the 11 random facts.

1. My daughter likes to tell people that I beat her.
2. I was once part of a huge Halloween maze/scavenger hunt. When the kids got to the end, they found me dressed up as Waldo from Where's Waldo?
3. I don't care for the Godfather movies.
4. My Kindle is my new favorite toy.
5. Just yesterday, I drug my daughter into the ARMY recruiter and asked if I could sign her up even if she didn't want to go. They said no. This actually happened.
6. One weekend while living in San Juan, I decided we would take a road trip to the highest point on the island. We found it and it had several radio towers that gave off enough electromagnetic energy that our vehicle would not start again.
7. I believe most band-aids are only used to cover up a kid's melodramatic BS.
8. Tyra Banks scares me.
9. I was once standing outside during a tornado to get the best view of the storm and witnessed a grain silo roll by. I decided it was time to go inside.
10. I was disappointed in this year's Super Bowl commercials.
11. I almost drowned in a wave pool once and due to excitement around me no one knew it was happening. I won't get in them now.

Here are the questions I have to answer:

1.  Have you ever shot milk out of your nose?  
In the part of the country that I was raised in, shooting fluids from your face is considered to be rude. So, yeah.

2.  If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?  
Easy. Anything I wanted.
 
3.  What's the most embarrassing wardrobe malfunction you've ever had, and where did it happen to you?  
Just a few weeks ago, I reached in my closet to get a shirt and the closet shelf collapsed dumping my entire wardrobe onto the closet floor.

4.  Tyrannosaurus Rex or Velociraptor?   
Velociraptor is ok, but it's a bit stringier than I like. Tyrannosarus is better, but has a strong iron taste. If I could have my pick, I would choose Pterodactyl wings over either of them.
 
5. What's the most important thing you've ever learned that someone else taught you?  
When someone shouts, "DUCK!" don't look around to find out why. Just do it.

6.  What's the most important thing you've ever learned that you discovered yourself?  
It happened in San Juan. I learned that CUIDADO CALIENTE is Spanish for CAUTION: HOT.

7.  How long can you hold your breath?
I am not sure, so I'll time it.........OK, I just woke up on the floor and my watch says that I started 36 minutes ago. So, it's sometime less than 36 minutes.

8.  What are you most afraid of?
I've covered this one. Growing old. However, I have since bought a gun, so it should be alright.

9.  Have you ever accidentally glued something to something else?  
I once filled the inner rim if a hat with super glue before handing it to someone, but that wasn't much of an accident. I have glued my fingers together more times than I can count.

10.  Have you ever punched someone in the face?  
My brother once bet me that he could beat me at arm wrestling. When he started to win, I punched him in the face with my other hand. He still beat me.

11.  If you had to live 200 years in the past or 200 years in the future, which would you pick?
I love technology and can't imagine having to go back to before computers, televisions, and telephone, so I would go to the future. However, not knowing how the new stuff works, I would probably then be miserable and feel stupid, so I would have to choose 200 years in the past. However, since I don't know how to hunt, start a fire, or saddle a horse, I would probably feel stupid. Can I just go back a few weeks to make some better decisions?


Here are the bloggers I am passing this on to: 

1. jamierhawkins
2. Wino on a Ramble
3. Kianwi at Simply She Goes
4. Kate at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine with My Morning Quiet Time?
5. Joe at Living in Kellie's World
6. Linda Roy at Mod Mom Beyond Indiedom
7. Lori Hokie at The Next Step
8. Leanne Moffat at One Odd Duck
9. Rachael's Insane Rants and Bizarre Musings
10. Gossip Grl at ~*~Whatever~*~...
11. Michael DAgostino at The World as I See It

Here are the questions for you to answer:

1. What the "World's Biggest" thing (ball of yarn, wind chime, etc) you would love to see?
2. If you could have any animal hybrid (fox-eagle, elephant-turkey, etc) as a pet, what would you choose?
3. What children's educational programming show gets on your nerves the most?
4. What is your most embarrassing misunderstood song lyric story?
5. What corporation would would love to be the CEO of and why?
6. If you killed a clown, where would you hide the body?
7. What superhero sidekick do you most identify with?
8. What button on your TV remote control gets the most use?
9. What is your social security number?
10. How would you define the word kleftenarian?
11. What song title best describes your relationship with your neighbors?

As far as I can tell I have met the requirements of the court order. Congratulations to all of you who received the award. Please participate and if ever asked, testify on my behalf.

The Awards Fairy Is Still At It

One day last week I woke up to someone pounding on my door. Bleary eyed, I made way way through the house, tripped over the couch and ran head first into the front door. Immediately after my cranium bounced off the door, the person on the other side gave it a good thump as well. I guess he thought it was a game.

I got to my feet and opened the door to have a clipboard shoved in my face.

Stranger: "Sign here."

Me: "What?"

Stranger: "Sign here. At the bottom."

Me: "I know how it works. What am I signing for?"
Delivery man: "How am I supposed to know? I'm not allowed to open the packages."
Me: "I have a package?"

He held out a large envelope, but snatched it back when I reached for it.

Delivery man: "You have to sign first!"
Me: "Give me the pen."   I scrawled my signature.
Delivery man: "Here. Next time wear pants to answer the door."

Looking down I realized I was still in my underwear, so I shouted at him as he climbed into his vehicle, "Next time, try showing up later than 6:30 in the morning."

I tossed the envelope on the kitchen table and went back to bed to get the last seven hours of sleep for the night. By the time I woke up, I had forgotten all about it. It sat there for a week getting buried under new mail I tossed on the table.

Last night I was doing my monthly chore of sorting through all the mail I never bothered to open and found it. I suddenly realized the early morning delivery man was not just a strange dream and ripped it open.

It contained a letter from a lawyer representing the Awards Fairy. The letter stated that when the Awards Fairy fell asleep in my bathtub, he had contracted pneumonia and was suing me for medical expenses. The fact that he had robbed me blind on earlier visits didn't seem to deter him from wanting even more from me.


Links to past visits from him:
The Awards Fairy Strikes Again
The Awards Fairy Came By
Return of the Awards Fairy
Awards Fairy Detox

The envelope also contained three awards. I set the letter aside to see what awards I had received.

The first award was from the prestigious mens' writing site Dude Write. 

I got this one for my post When The Cat's Away. Thank you, to the men over at Dude Write.

The second award came from Mrs. Luttrell over at the Coffee Blogs. It is the Leibster Blog Award.

This one had several rules attached to it, but I have received this one a few times and will opt out of doing them. This may bring future wrath from the Awards Fairy, but it doesn't appear that he is going to leave me any time soon anyway. I will risk it. I will acknowledge the person that awarded it to me once again. Thank you, Jessica Luttrell of the Coffee Blogs.

The last award was one that is new to me. Plus, I received it from two different people.

My blog has been called a lot of things, but this is the first time it has been called sweet. However, since it is sweet to two people, it must be sweet to others as well. The bloggers who think my blog is IRRESISTIBLY SWEET are Ken Degner of Ken-inatractor and Rachel at When a Lion Sleeps, Let It Sleep.

The rules for this award are to post seven random facts about yourself and pass it on to ten other deserving bloggers.

Random Facts:

1.  This week I started a new job as a Sexual Health Counselor. I will give more info on that in a future post.
2. Despite my usual disdain for talking on the phone, I still talk to Red every night for at least twenty minutes. Everyone else still gets cut off very quickly.
3. Last month my dryer broke and I haven't gotten it fixed yet. After I do my laundry, underwear is hanging off doorknobs, ceiling fans, chairs and anywhere else that I can find a place until they are dry.
4. My brother just got a new unicycle. I will be over there trying to knock #74 off my list.
5. Now that I have met Red and we have spent significant time together, I still call her Red. Saying her actual name, just doesn't feel right.
6. My blogging has slowed down significantly over the summer. I hope to get back to regular posting once school starts up again.
7. I still don't have a smartphone. My contract runs out in November and I can't decide if I want to upgrade or just keep a regular old phone. I would love to have all the extra features, but am afraid I would never stop playing with my phone and all life productivity would stop.

I am also supposed to pass this award on to ten other bloggers, but have decided to tempt fate and see what will happen if I don't. I have passed out many awards in the past and have trouble coming up with new people. I will consider this a blogging experiment. Is it like breaking a chain letter and I will be cursed with bad luck?

Thank you to the people who gave me these awards. It has been fun writing this blog and watching my readership slowly grow. It is a great feeling knowing that there are people who enjoy what you write. Plus, I sat down this morning to discover that I hit 30,000 views.

The Awards Fairy cares about none of this. I guess I will spend the rest of my day speaking with a lawyer to see what I need to do about him. I don't expect this will be the last time I hear from him.

The Awards Fairy Strikes Again

This week is being pleasantly spent terrorizing children at VBS. I am the photographer/video/sound/tech guy, which means I don't have to do any teaching, but have pictures and video to shoot and I run all the technical do-dads. It's great fun. I bounce into a room in the middle of a lesson, scare the kids to get the shot I want and then leave so the teacher can try to regain control of the class.

Last night was Day 2 of a five day event and when I returned home with a big smile on my face from the number of kids I made cry, I saw this on my front door.

The smile left my face faster than Martin Short's when talking with Kathy Lee Gifford. This couldn't be good. Any time the Awards Fairy visited me, it never ends well.

Links to past visits from him:
The Awards Fairy Came By
Return of the Awards Fairy
Awards Fairy Detox

I jumped out of my van and dashed to the door, then ran back to the van to put it into park. I get a little ahead of myself sometimes. Upon reaching the door again, I was afraid to see what was inside. I turned the knob and peered into my living room. Nothing seemed to be out of place. I stepped inside and scanned the room. It looked good.

Nothing seemed to be missing from the bedrooms or the kitchen. The only thing I could find was an empty prescription bottle on my kitchen table. He had taken the Vicoden the doctor had prescribed. I hadn't needed any for the last couple of weeks, but it was nice to know it was there in case I had a flair up.

I stepped back outside to call the police. While I was waiting, I decided I might as well see what the award was for.

It looked as though I had won this award twice. Once from the peanut butter-loving Aussie stand up comedian Michael D. Agostino of The World as I See It and once from the hammock-loving Southerner Carrie Ryan of The Slow-Dripped Life. Thank you to both of you. I do appreciate the thought behind it. It's not your fault if the delivery system always seems to find a way to screw me.

As with past awards, this one had some rules.

1. Link back to the bloggers that gave me the award. - CHECK
2. Answer 7 questions about myself. - I can do that. Me is my favorite topic.
3. Provide 10 random factoids about myself - Once again, ME!!!
4. Pass the award to 7 other deserving bloggers. - This one doesn't really concentrate on me, but I will comply.

The Questions:

1: What's your favourite song?

I don't know that I have a favorite song. I have a wide music taste and what I listen to changes all the time. Lately I have had this one stuck in my head.

Bodies by Drowning Pool

2: What's your favorite dessert?

I am not really a dessert person. I would much prefer to have seconds of the main course than reach for cake or pie. Although, Red of Doesn't Speak Klingon regularly brings me cookies that are a big hit. We recently had chocolate chip peanut butter and put Nutella on them. Very good.

 3: What do you do when you're upset?

Usually nothing. Ninety percent of the things we get upset about are not really of any consequence. I have no problem letting most things go. In the rare occasions that I feel something has to be said, I say it and then I am done.

4: Which is your favourite pet?

I only have one. Dr Finklerstein the python.

5: White bread or whole meal?

I am not a fan of white bread. I find it to be too dry.

6: What's your biggest fear?

Luckily, it's not something that someone can run up and scare me with. I fear growing older and not being able to take care of myself. I don't want to be broke and stuck in a nursing home.

7: What's your attitude most of the time?

Anyone that knows me can testify that I am in a very good mood almost all of the time. I laugh all day and rarely get down about things.

---

10 RANDOM FACTOIDS ABOUT MYSELF:

Christian tells it like it is.

Due to previous awards and the 100 random facts about myself that I recently came up with for my hundredth post, I have deferred these facts to my son Christian. Here are 10 facts about me according to my son.

1.  Every pair of jeans my dad owns are frayed at the bottom and around the pockets.
2. He has a Jesus tattoo on his right shoulder. Jesus appears to be Asian. I don't know why.
3. Dad talks to himself. A LOT! No one even has to be in the room.
4. Dad took me to get my first tattoo.
5. He has an obsession with the color red. Red vehicle, Red States, red meat and even a girl named Red.
6. He always buys the same kind of bologna: the cheapest.
7. My dad and I once broke into a neighbor's house just to steal the pepperonis off all their frozen pizzas.
8. He won't use sticks of lip balm. He's a CARMEX guy.
9. When I was 8 years old, my dad bet me $5.00 I couldn't sit through the entire movie Nightmare on Elm Street. I made five dollars that night and had nightmares for the next month. Dad said the cost of sleeping with him and mom was ten dollars.
10. Dad used to hide the batteries to all my electronic toys so I couldn't play with them.

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Seven Bloggers to Pass Award on to:

1. That is Priceless - Arts Greatest Masterpieces Made Slightly Funnier - This is not a written blog. You will have to check it out to see how it works. I love it.
2. Odd but Nice - The funniest blog you've never read
3. Quirkyloon - Loonatic for life
4. Lucy at A Little Lucidity
5. Mental Poo - Challenge him to a game of Words with Friends
6. Lady Goo Goo Gaga - This is not her mother's motherhood
7. My Drunk Kitchen - This is a video log, but is the best cooking show out there

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The police arrive just as I am finishing. They weren't in much of a hurry since there was no danger. I showed them the empty Vicoden bottle and they swept the house to look for other missing items. While I was filling out paperwork in the front yard, I heard yelling from the back of the house. Moments later, the officers drug a naked and wet Awards fairy out the front door. He had drawn himself a bath and passed out in the tub. I hadn't gone in the bathroom, so didn't realize he was still here.


After two arrests, rehab and a restraining order, he still won't leave me alone. I may have to hire a hitman.

Awards Fairy Detox

I got a surprise this morning after answering my front door. When I saw who was on the other side, I immediately slammed it shut again.  The last time I saw this guy, he was dragged off my property by the police. I haven't heard from him since. It was the Awards Fairy.

Since it was a nice day, I had my windows open and he just walked to one of those windows and pleaded with me to put down my phone and listen. He said that after he spent the night in jail, he was sent to rehab. He claimed he was clean now and had to return to my house to make amends as part of his recovery program.

Wanting to be supportive, but still not entirely trusting this fairy who had run up my cell phone bill, ate my pizza lunch, urinated on my couch and holed up in my home for several days, I stepped outside. Before stepping out, I grabbed the restraining order I had against him to remind him why he couldn't stay after he made his peace with me.

He did apologize for his past behavior. He then said before he went any further, he had something for me. He pulled an envelope out of his back pocket and handed it to me.

The front of the envelope said it was from Rusty at Swinging Like a Rusty Gate and it was dated March 15. I pointed out that this was from 6 weeks ago. Why am I just getting it now? He reminded me that he had been in jail and rehab for the last couple of months because I kept having him arrested. I had to agree that he had a point.

I opened the envelope to see what Rusty had sent me. It was the Kreative Blogger award.

Thank you, Rusty for this award. I am sorry it took so long for me to respond, but I guess it couldn't be helped since the fairy had it the entire time.

The award rules are pretty simple. Award recipients are to list 10 random things about themselves and then pass it on to other deserving bloggers. The number of bloggers to pass it on to is not listed.

10 random facts about me:

1. When my son Christian was 6 years old and had lost his third pair of shoes in one week, I grounded him from shoes for a month. He had to go everywhere barefoot (church, grocery store, etc.) Restaurants won't allow people without shoes to come in, so he had to eat outside while we finished our meal inside. He never lost another pair of shoes.
2. We had a baby deer for a pet named Bird. He was named after the first word spoken by the deer in Bambi. Our dogs didn't like to play with him, because he would butt them in the head.
3. I am close to hotting the "100 blog posts" mark. I have something special planned for number 100.



I WANNA ROCK!!!

4. In junior high, I founded a Twisted Sister fan club.
5. I do not own a bed.
6. I can't throw away bubble wrap until I know that every bubble has been popped.
7. The most money I have ever made in my life was as a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman.
8. When I was still a white belt in Tae Kwon Do, I defeated a guy who was a brown belt in judo and black belt in karate during a sparring match. I enjoyed my victory from the couch for the next week since he injured me badly enough I couldn't walk. I still won.
9. I still own over 300 cassette tapes. Mostly music from the 80's (when I was in high school). I haven't owned a cassette player for several years, but can't bring myself to get rid of them.
10. When my daughter was being potty trained, she started potty training her Barbies. When they made a mess, she would punish them by throwing them in the freezer. We still don't know why.

Bloggers I want to pass this on to:

• Super Earthling - I only discovered this blog about a month ago and spent the next few weeks digging through her archives to read it all. You never know which of the author's multiple personalities (each with her own name) will be writing that day, but it is always worth it.

• 

  Click picture to learn more.

  Pish-Posh - I have been reading Pish for a long time and have been a fan since the first time I found her. She writes on a variety of topics from very serious and touching to the bizarre (ex. drunk zombies trying to ride bikes). She recently started the Pish Posh Get Fit! Challenge and several people have linked up with her to try to improve their lives.
• The Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose - Lily writes about various topics, but my favorites are when she talks about her heathen son that she refers to as Spawn. If Lily's predictions are correct, one day Spawn will rule the world and it will not be pleasant.

After taking care of the requirements of the award, I thanked the fairy and wished him well. I even shook his hand and told him that I was glad he got the help he needed. As he turned to leave, a truck pulled up and the driver said, "Let's go." The truck bed was loaded down with a TV, some furniture and assorted other things. The fairy jumped in and they sped off.

I returned to my house and immediately noticed that my living room was empty and the back door was open. He had gotten me again while he kept me busy in the front yard. I didn't even think to get the license plate number.

Return of the Awards Fairy

Eight days ago, I was visited by a short, balding man who identified himself as the Awards Fairy. Despite his appearance and pushy demeanor, I let him into my home because he did actually have some awards to give me. After giving me the awards, which I did appreciate, I couldn't get him to leave. He stayed for 3 days, cleaned out my fridge, ran up my phone bill and clogged up my toilet. He stepped outside only once to retrieve a bag of of Cheetos I had thrown into the yard. Once outside, I locked the door.

After two days of his howling and beating on my door while I kept all the lights off and pretended not to be home, he finally left. He didn't really have much of a choice. He was escorted off the property in handcuffs. I was so relieved to see him go.

I don't know how this works, but he either made bail or had to be released when he had more awards to pass out, but tonight he came back. I stepped outside to take the trash to the curb and when I came back, he was sitting on my couch. I didn't think to lock the door since I was only outside for a minute.

As I reached for my phone to call the police again, he held out two awards. The first, he explained, had been sent to me over a week ago, but due to his unfortunate detainment, he was unable to bring it to me.

A peeling sticker on the back of the award stated that it had been given by the blogger at HoodyHoo. I began to relax a little bit. I still didn't like him being in my house, but I knew who this was. I comment on this blog often and recently got this recognition by explaining my strategy in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I told her that I expect that I would be dead and won't really need to worry about it at that point. Although, if I was going to fight for survival, I would want HoodyHoo by my side. She once knocked her boyfriend unconscious just for peeing in her yard. I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to mess with her.

The rules for accepting state that I am to forward this on to 3 bloggers that I would like to know more about AND to share 3 things about myself.

I would like to know more about:

1. Bozo at A Bozo's Abbozzo has definitely been the closest follower of the Brett and Red story. Bozo is an American living in India and has two birthdays every year.
2. Jayne at Ach de Lieber, Jayne likes to fantasize about having arguments in her dream house. It's strange, I know. However, I just recently discovered her and have really enjoyed digging through her archives.
3. Crazy With a Side of Awesome Sauce is a Portland native who recently escaped a nightmare roommate. I check in with her regularly to share in her latest adventure.

Now, for three things to share about myself.

1. I have mentioned on here a few times that I work for the Sheriff's Department. That is no longer true. I got fired, but cannot yet discuss it due to possible litigation. Hopefully, I can share the story soon.
2. Four years ago, I pre-paid for a year membership at a gym. I went twice.
3. I come from a family of carpenters, mechanics and electricians. However, I can barely operate a hammer. I called all my friends to celebrate when I fixed a clog in my sink by myself.

I looked up to ask the fairy for the other one, but he was gone. Great! 

He was in the first place I expected him to be - the kitchen. He had discovered the pizza that was delivered right before he showed up and had already inhaled over half of it. He had dropped the second award and it was sitting under the chair. I grabbed it before he noticed I was in the room.

This one was sent from Nellie Vaughn at Buttons Are Not Currency. Nellie falls on the other side of the zombie spectrum. It is quite possible that she is one already. Nellie recently confessed on her blog that she has an internet crush on me. She also really likes kissing. So, I am adding "Kiss Nellie Vaughn" to my bucket list.

Like the previous award, I must list things about myself. This award requires seven:

1. At one time, I strived toward becoming a mortician. I even got accepted into the mortuary program.
2. I was on the newspaper staff in high school. I was the only boy in the class. I learned a lot about women that year, but didn't want to know most of it.
3. I received a semester grade of 107 in Trigonometry, but I have failed Accounting three times.
4. I only started blogging because my daughter's boyfriend had to create one for a class. He told me, "It's kind of fun. You should try it." So, I did.
5. I attended one school from kindergarten through high school, but my kids have attended 5 different public schools, 3 private schools and been homeschooled.
6. When I was twelve years old, I was a flasher for Halloween. It was my mother's idea.
7. Once I complete my teaching degree, I plan to get a Department of Defense contract to be a high school math teacher on military bases.

The fairy is now passed out on my couch. It looks like he was watching Jersey Shore. I am supposed to tag 15 bloggers for this award, but since I have already called the police, I only have time to do a few.

1. Vinny at As Vinny C's It is a journalist in Trinidad and Tobago. He recently did a disturbing story about ant colonies. He also covers the events in his part of the world. 
2. People I Want to Punch in the Throat - As her tagline says, "I think the title sums it up. If you can't figure it out, then go away before I punch you in the throat."

The cops have shown up and can't seem to wake the fairy. I need to go. Once they get him out of here, I am headed to the courthouse for a restraining order. If anyone else wants to send me an award, please just mail it. I will pay the postage. I don't want him coming back. I think he urinated on my floor.

The Awards Fairy Came By

This is one of those posts when I don't have to be creative. I just get to sit, say my thanks and pass on some love. I get to take it easy because the award fairy came to my house this week.

He is not what I pictured a fairy to look like. He was short, had a large beer gut and was missing a couple of teeth. After a prolonged coughing fit and spitting on my floor, he handed me two awards.

I objected since I had already one this one a couple of weeks ago. He told me that it wasn't his problem and shoved it into my gut. According to him, Shane over at Wag the Dad said my blog was "selling like hotcakes." I considered this to be the greatest compliment, because I love Wag the Dad, consider him to be one of the blogging greats and was thrilled to find out that he even knew who I was. Shane writes about being a dad, living in Austria and recently wrote a piece about the benefits of letting your mind go blank and drooling on yourself. He made a very good argument. His weekly debates with Angie at Angie Uncovered are not to be missed. Shane is very funny and, if you are not reading him already, you should check him out.

The balding fairy then told me that I had been given the same award by another blogger. Random Thoughts of a Not-So Random Mind passed it on to me as well. This blog is written by an Argentinian teacher who shares the same birthday as Jesus. I found her blog last January within a few minutes of her putting up her first post and have stayed a follower ever since. She promised me (since I have been there from the beginning and was her very first commenter) that if she hits it big with her writing, she won't forget me and will introduce me to celebrities. Then I will use those connections to realize my dream of becoming a Hollywood stuntman. Go check her out.

The fairy then told me that since I had already won this award and followed the rules, I didn't have to do it again if I gave him money to buy a pack of smokes. I gave him $5 and asked for my other award. He used my bathroom and then handed me this one. ==>

I quickly washed if off and looked on the back. It came from two different bloggers as well. Misty from Misty's Laws and Pish Posh.

Misty of Misty's Laws is a ninja stealth photographer who captures discreet pictures of the freaks and fashion mishaps that occur around her. Usually, without being detected. She also does not appreciate strangers complimenting her feet and has a couple of posts showing off her friends' planking skills, a pastime I discovered last fall. She is a very funny lady and worth clicking over to check out.

My first thought when I saw Pish Posh's name was "That's the lady that keeps blowing up my phone." I love my blogging friends and if they have a Twitter account, I have their tweets forwarded to my phone. No one tweets more than Pish Posh. Fortunately, she is a good tweeter and is always pointing me toward something worth reading. There was a little confusion on my part about whether she was actually giving me this award or just calling me out for being confused about one of her recent posts, but since I was getting it anyway her name is now attached. Pish Posh is a teacher who is now looking for a sugar daddy so she can stay home and write. She is very funny and writes about absolutely everything. She often includes recipes on her blog, but will not tolerate you noisily eating your food in her presence. Quiet chewers only!

At this point the fairy was sitting on my couch flipping through my cable channels. He informed me that since it is my first time winning this award, I am obliged to play by the rules unless I wanted to order a pizza. I had already given him the last of my cash so I asked for the rules. He said I had to link back to the blogs that gave me the award, mention some blogs that I read and list 7 things about myself.

1. Despite all my recent posts about the stuntman antics and crazy things I did as a kid, I have never broken a bone. My brothers cannot say the same.
2. I originally went to school to be a computer programmer.
3. I've been divorced for 5 years and still go to my ex-wife's family reunions.
4. In high school, my favorite teacher was also the one I hated the most.
5. I have recently started watching Glee on Netflix Instant. The storyline is weak, the characters are stereotypical and the acting is cheesy, but it is fun to watch. Don't judge me.
6. When I was 9 years old, I won GRAND CHAMPION with my goat in 4-H.
7. I still own every book I have ever read. I have a problem with letting them go.

I am going to try to name bloggers I read that I have not mentioned before. I don't want to give awards out to the same people over and over again.

•  Ash-Matic Does Things - He has only been blogging for a little over a month, but he has great stuff. With 25 followers after only 4 weeks, he is onto something.
• Kernut the Blond - Her blog caught my eye because she is doing something my parents are doing. Traveling around the country in an RV. I can't wait for her new posts to find out where she is now, who she has met and what fantastic things she has seen. If she would let me, I would love to travel with her for a month.
• Wait in the Van - Kristine recently got kicked out of a blogging competition for cheating. She didn't really cheat and her readers have her back. She came out stronger.
• Twenty Something Waitress - This waitress blogs about the crazy things that happen to her at work, the difficult customers she has to put up with and how she gets jilted on tips.

All of these blogs are amazing and deserve a read through. Subscribe, leave comments, show them some love from me. I have to go get the fairy. He is in my fridge making a sandwich.