Black Death in the Golden State

In the 80's, we were constantly being bombarded with the dangers of AIDS. We were all going to die and not even the mosquitoes could be trusted. More recently, we've had scares from monkey pox, SARS, and the Asian bird flu.

I have never gotten too worked up about any of these, but something happened last week that caught my attention. According to CBS News, last week officials of Los Angeles County trapped a squirrel that was carrying the bubonic plague.

Let me say that again. A squirrel was trapped in the park that carried the bubonic plague. THE BUBONIC PLAGUE! Other wise known as the BLACK DEATH.

This is the same disease that wiped out a third of the European population in the late 1340's and half of the United Kingdom. Today's pansy diseases can't even begin to claim those kind of numbers.

After doing some research, I learned that the disease was never eradicated. It obviously still exists as evidenced by last week's squirrel discovery. In fact, this disease can kill a person within four days of contracting it, but with today's medicine, it is much more manageable. If gotten to early, antibiotic treatment takes care of it.

All this just makes me think I want to travel to L.A. and play with the squirrels. I don't enjoy being sick, but how many people can say they had the black plague. I could catch the disease, get a round of antibiotics and then go buy the T-shirt.

I SURVIVED
THE BLACK DEATH

I would wear it proudly every day. If anyone had the right to gripe about something, it would be the guy who survived the bubonic plague.

"Oh, you called in sick to work because you have the flu. Well, I had the plague."

"No, I don't want to hear about your difficult birth. Last year, I contracted the BUBONIC PLAGUE!"

"Wow. You want me to be impressed because you only missed a week's work when you had walking pneumonia. I had the freaking plague. The BLACK DEATH! Ever heard of it?"

It would give people an entirely different perspective on me. When someone came across something in the refrigerator that smelled a little funny, they would probably call me to check it out. They would say to one another, "Let Brett try it. He conquered the plague. A funny smell won't intimidate him."

If a rabid dog is reported running around the neighborhood, animal control would call me to go after it. When you think about it, how scary does rabies sound when you've already stared the most deadly disease in history right in the face and walked away from it?

My life would be totally changed. I would be a hero.

Although, I wonder if I could still give blood. The Red Cross asks a lot of questions, but I don't remember ever being asked, "Do you currently or have you ever had the Bubonic Plague? Have you ever been treated for the Black Death?"

I'll have to ask.

Test Your Funny Bone #19: Modern Medicine

A few years ago, I was watching television and a pharmaceutical commercial was on. I don't remember the product or even what it was supposed to treat, but I do remember the disclaimer that came up on the bottom of the screen.

"It is unknown how this drug actually works."

There was no explanation for the statement. It just popped up on the screen for a couple of seconds and was gone. I'm guessing this is one of those drugs that was created accidentally. Viagra was not created with the purpose of what it is being used for today. Scientists were trying to create a new drug to combat hypertension. I don't know if they ever achieved their original goal, but somewhere along the line, they learned that their new wonder drug actually rerouted the blood flow. This happy, although unintentional, side effect became the new focus of the marketing campaign. Now, thanks to that lucky discovery, more men are getting lucky and our children are familiar with the term erectile dysfunction.

At least with Viagra, it is understood how it works. It may have happened on accident, but they understand the science behind it. With this drug I saw in the commercial, they don't know how it works. An unexpected side effect happened and I am sure they were excited and set to work right away to discover what caused it. I will give them the benefit of the doubt for that part. However, when they never found the cause, they decided to sell it anyway…and the FDA approved it for some reason.

I can't say that things have improved much over the years. For this week's Test Your Funny Bone, I have a picture of a product from almost a century ago.

Try our new improved daytime formula. Now with COCAINE.

It seems that today's illicit drugs used to be medicinal tonics. While today we take Nyquil to knock us out for a good night's sleep when we are sick, at one time marijuana, alcohol and chloroform were used to do the trick. I don't know what that would do for your cough, but I have absolutely no doubt that you would sleep through the night.

For this week's caption, I ask that you write a motto or slogan to go with this product. Leave your slogan in the comment section and I will post all responses next week*.

Have fun with it and make us laugh.

*I used to post responses on Friday, but I am moving them to Mondays. I will post the responses and new picture to caption on the same day (Monday).

Jack Frost Can Bite Me

On Tuesday, I wrote about me being sick. I received lots of get well wishes, which were very much appreciated. Thank you.

Today, I am not back to 100% yet, but I am definitely on the mend. All my aches and pains are gone. I no longer have a head ache or fever. The only thing left is some chest congestion. Hopefully, that will clear up in the next few days.

Since I have basically just slept when I haven't been at work for the entire last week, waking up today feeling good meant that I had some pent up energy. I thought my return to the world of the healthy would be good news to my daughter, but she claims the house was much quieter when I was incapacitated.

Apparently, she doesn't care for my musical outbursts or being forced to box with me when we pass in the hall. I never knew this. She may complain now, but she'll miss me when I'm dead.

She was thankful that I was up and moving when we all went out for dinner. According to her, we have been out of food for the last three days, but I had been too sick to notice. She was sweet enough to know that I was sick and didn't bother me with this little detail, but is still of the mindset where she thinks she has to eat every single day. That gets a bit annoying, but I have learned to make due. It's just part of the sacrifices I make for my family.

Now that I am on my feet again, I realize that I have some seasonal preparations to take care of. The temperature has dropped significantly in the past week, which means winter is right around the corner. It is no secret that I hate winter.  We barely survived the great SNOWPOCALPSE of 2011 because we weren't properly prepared. I don't care to have a repeat of any similar events.

I may not be able to control the weather, but I can control how prepared I am for whatever may come my way. Here are some of the things I plan to do this weekend to get prepared for the three months of icy Jack Frost hell that are coming our way.

• Stock up on groceries. Generally, if I have to leave the house, it is because I have gotten low on food because the kids discovered where I was hoarding it. Frozen pizzas, frozen burritos, frozen waffles. Frozen is usually a good way to go in case of a power outage. Food can be tossed in the snow to maintain freshness hardness.
• Get chains for car. The roads get slick out there and I will need something heavy to break into another car if mine gets stuck in a ditch.
• Dig out the warmer clothing and extra blankets. Having these handy makes them more readily available to stuff under doors and hang over windows when those cold drafts start to blow in.
• Cancel gym membership. There is no way I am driving across town to change into shorts, start sweating and then drive back in subzero temperatures. I'll rejoin in the spring.

• 

  I know bacon usually comes from
  pork bellies, but that's only because 
  it's the fattest part of a pig

  Stock up on ammunition. If we run out of food and the roads are impassable, I may need to be prepared to personally provide food for my family. I see the occasional rabbit in my back yard. If things get more desperate, several of our neighbors have outside dogs. I am not even above an Andes rugby team type of scenario if the situation calls for it and we have plenty of neighbors. I have even been reading up on how to make my own bacon.
• Buy plenty of batteries. Mostly AA to ensure the TV remotes and XBOX controllers are always functional.
• Buy shovels to clobber anyone who tries to enter our house and loot our winter supplies.

With a little forethought and planning, I should be able to get my family through to spring without any casualties worth mentioning. Once my daughter graduates high school, I'm moving south.

Snot A Good Day

I'm sick.

I haven't felt so hot for the last few days, so I started downing vitamin C, zinc, and lots of fluids trying to ward off whatever evil mucus-filled virus was coming my way, but it didn't work. Today, I am sick…and it sucks.

Since the weekend, I have slept about 14 hours per day. I am trying to get plenty of rest when I am not at work and don't seem to have any trouble sleeping. Despite all the rest I'm getting, it just doesn't seem to be enough. I want to curl up in bed and stay there until I am better.

Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. Kirsten still has to get to school, church, and work. I still have to feed myself and visit the bathroom occasionally. I also still have to go to work. Luckily, my job has almost zero interaction with other people. I can be sick without spreading it to anyone and no one even knows about it.

I am left to wonder if I have a cold or if this is a residual effect of all the smoke I breathed in when my house tried to kill me a few days ago. It could even be a combination of the two. Either way, I will be grateful when it finally passes.

Whatever the cause, my medicine-induced, fuzzy-headed, double-vision, snot-running, room-spinning state makes it difficult to focus on writing, so this will be a short post.

6 more hours and I'll be back home in my own bed.