Friday, December 21, 2012

Fortune Cookie #5 - Mayan Apocalyptic Debacle

Yesterday, I allowed my daughter to talk me into driving an hour to a shopping area for Christmas. I didn't see the point of shopping for Christmas since the world would be ending in less than 24 hours anyway. She countered that argument with pointing out that since we would all be dead soon, it really didn't matter what we did. Once you're dead, you really don't have the opportunity to contemplate any regrets about how you spent your last remaining hours. I couldn't argue with that logic.

We drove to one of those super malls that sells everything, braved the crowds who didn't seem to be concerned about the impending doom and I even bought a couple of things "just in case." It was a fairly pleasant morning despite my disdain for shopping and people.

Before heading out of town, we decided to get something to eat. After several disappointing conversations with retail clerks informing us that there were no pizza buffets in the area, we settled on a Chinese buffet place. After a wonderful meal (one I would be proud to have as my last), the bill arrived and Kirsten cracked open her fortune cookie.


ME:  That's a little outdated.

KIRSTEN: What are you talking about? This is actually a good one.

ME: First, there is only one person you could call a 'long time' friend and she never has anything to say that isn't outrageously racist. Second, since school just let out for Christmas vacation, you won't be seeing any of your friends this week, and third, the world only has about 18 hours left in existence, so there is no coming week.

KIRSTEN: That's what social media is for.

ME: Racism?

KIRSTEN: A little bit, but I meant communicating. I could get advice from any of them as soon as I sit down at my computer.

ME: If you upload any of today's purchases, you'll probably get some needed advice about the shoes you just bought.

She rolled her eyes and left to visit with General Tso again. Finding myself alone, I opened my cookie.


It was quickly becoming apparent that the Mayans and Chinese had not collaborated on the future of the planet or how it might affect mankind…specifically, me.

I have a miracle handed to me and I'm not going to get to enjoy it. I'm not even going to get to find out what it is. I'm curious what wonders the miracle would bring if we had the time to see them. Would peace finally break out in the Middle East? Would a long lost relative die and leave me enough money to pay off my student loans? Would Nickelback break up? Would my beloved childhood dog Snoopy return from the dead? It could be anything.

What had slowly evolved into a fairly enjoyable day became tedious once again. My big break finally came, but the timing would keep it from being beneficial. I lumbered through the rest of the day and sank into bed that night after hugging my daughter for possibly the last time, despite her being mad at me for making her be home by curfew. World ending or not, the rules are there for a reason.

Much to my surprise, I woke the next morning. As most of you know by now, the world had not ended. It hadn't even gotten warmer. In fact, nothing happened. This means that I get to see the miracle. I brought this wonderful news to my daughter so we could await the miracle together.

KIRSTEN: Dad, I think the miracle was that the world was kept from ending. We're still here. That's it.

ME: You suck the fun out of EVERYTHING!!!



28 comments:

  1. As they say, lol. must have Taylor read.

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    1. Thank you. Kirsten asked what friend I was referring to.

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    2. haha, I just figured it was Taylor. But hoping it is an exageration.

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    3. It is. Nothing to worry about.

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  2. I love your mind! I want to just crawl inside it and snuggle down for the long-haul. This was awesome.

    ...and I'm grateful for your miracle, because if the world had ended, I wouldn't get to see you for Christmas!

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    1. You're already there most of the time any way.

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  3. Haha! I love the relationship between you and your daughter.
    I'm a little miffed that world didn't end. Now I've got no excuse for not wanting to cook Christmas dinner. Mayans, you guys suck!

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    1. This is why I like older kids. You can't have these conversations with toddlers.

      She's also easier to Christmas shop for.

      Conversation earlier this month:
      ME: What do you want for Christmas this year?
      KIRSTEN: A ukulele!
      ME: Sure. Here ya go.

      DONE!!!

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  4. It will be a real miracle when I am able to get all of my Christmas shopping done.

    Glad that you made it through the apocalypse :)

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    1. This is the sixth one I've survived. It's getting pretty easy to no take them seriously.

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  5. Darn those Mayans--I'm still here! I better go buy some Christmas presents.

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    1. Sticking it right before a major holiday was just wrong. It should have been in the middle of summer.

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  6. Hey, your miracle saved the world. Sounds pretty cool to me.

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    Replies
    1. It is pretty cool, but no one seems to want to reward me for it.

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  7. So, you gotta drop this on Dude Write, with mine that I posted here http://itsmynd.com/2012/12/apocalypse-remorse.html. I think we'll see plenty of these. I never got a time on the Mayan Apocalypse but all these people who swore the world was fine at midnight on the 21st in Australia clearly have not looked at a map. The Mayans were clearly not in that time zone! I assumed the Apocalypse could happen at any point on the 21st.

    Seeing that we're all still here, guess I have to shop for Christmas. Thanks for reminding me.
    WG

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    1. I dropped it in.

      I went and looked up the time the day before. According to the info I found, it was supposed to happen at 5:11 a.m. in my time zone. So, when I woke up I knew it was over.

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  8. What's up with the need for a "buffet"?

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    1. I love buffets. That way I don't have to decide on one thing.

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  9. i can't even tell you how much i love your random nickelback insults, it's like a gift within the gift of your stories. congratulations on your miraculous continuation of life ;)

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    1. Thank you. And the Nickelback thing can't be helped. I just hate them so much.

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  10. Conversations between the different generations are always fascinating, particularly when it's between parent and offspring.

    What my daughter says (she's 18) is the product of a mammoth battle. On one side you've got the shared genes and my shaping of her behavior making her behave like me. On the other side you have her radically different life experiences making her rebel against me.

    Anyway, glad we are all still here and have a great Christmas.

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    1. I got lucky with my daughter. She is not much of a rebel, but she does have the same twisted view of the world that I often have. I love talking with her.

      Have a very Merry Christmas.

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  11. I hope you-all have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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    1. Thank you. Merry Christmas to you as well.

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  12. "Mayan April Fools Day," that's hilarious! Yeah, I guess we've got to pay those damn student loans off after all. :)

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    Replies
    1. Just to get out of those loans, the apocalypse would all be worth it.

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  13. So very glad you shared your miracle with the rest of the world! That was very giving of you. And it indeed looks like the Mayans and Chinese are more connected than you gave them credit for.

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