Get Used To It

Red and I have now lived in Vietnam for just over six months and the contract with my job just ended. My job does not allow for vacations. So, for employees who want one, they are instructed to take some time between contracts. My new contract starts on December 15, so I have the next two weeks off. YAY!!!

I already live in the tropics and am less than a mile from a beautiful beach. This means I already live in a place where many people choose to go for vacation.

So, there is no need to go anywhere.

I've known this would be my time off since I started this job six months ago. I was looking forward to exploring the area and seeing more of this beautiful country. And unlike the wintertime Hoth-like landscape of the Midwest where I grew up, it never gets cold here. A December vacation spent at home would be awesome. Except for one thing.

This is my first winter in Vietnam and I didn't know about monsoon season. It's supposed to last for three months and I've been told that means heavy rain all day every day. Except for a few days when it will rain even more.

Here is what is currently going on in Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon).

Here's a picture of the city I live in (Hội An).

 This picture is actually from last year because it has only just started raining here, but the locals tell us that this is common. It floods every year. We were in a clothing shop yesterday and the owner told us that last year the flooding was really bad. She showed me the stains on the wall that were as high as my shoulders. Water was in her shop FIVE FEET DEEP!

I told her that I knew last year was especially bad. Luckily, that's not every year. She said, "Yes. Normally, it's only this deep." She then held her palms at chest level. That's still close to four feet deep.

The entire downtown area of Ancient Town Hội An floods that high every year.

When we were first looking for houses in this city, we looked at one on a small island in the middle of the river that runs through Ancient Town. I asked about the potential for flooding, the landlord showed me the marks on the walls to know what to expect. It would be about three feet of water in our house. I asked how often this happens. She told me, "Oh. It's not too bad. Only three or four times per year."

She then informed me that when the area starts to flood, she and her husband would come to our house to help us stack the furniture up on the tables to avoid water damage. Nothing to worry about.

One of the homes we visited, had a huge hole in the middle of the floor on the second level. It was used for pulling things up to the second floor during the rainy season. It was easier to pull large items up through the hole than carry them up the stairs. This was told to us just as a matter of fact. It's the way it is if you want to live close to the river. Everyone just understands that.

We live a little further out and our house is supposedly safe from the flooding. Last year was the worst flooding that had been seen in decades and it did not flood this house. Hopefully, it will stay that way. We've finally learned to accept the spiders and lizards we can't seem keep out of the house. Sharks may be more than we can handle.

My #2s Should Be Someone's #1 Priority

Anyone who knows me personally knows that I pride myself on being a person of above average intelligence. In fact, I can often be downright arrogant about it and impatient with people who are deficient of the 50th percentile mark. Did you catch all those big words?

Now, I am not claiming to be a genius or anything, but there are some things that I can recognize about myself concerning intelligence.

• I retain knowledge easily
• I can learn by a variety of learning styles (watching, listening, reading, doing, etc.)
• I hate Nickelback
• I can explain the reasons behind my opinions (there are many) rather than just shout them louder
• Stupid people make me want to cry/scream/punch/set fire to things, etc
• My momma always told me I was too smart for my own good

So, while I have walked around for the last four decades with my head held high because of my superiority over all the troglodytes surrounding me, it all came crashing down the moment I left the country. I've been in China now for two months and have come to realize that there just might be a few things I don't know.

I have already written about my confusion over paying bills, getting to work, traveling, doing my job, the crazy traffic and understanding my role here. Things are slowly starting to fall into place and every day that Red and I figure out something new it feels like a huge victory. Especially when we figure out that we were doing something incorrectly and it's not just "the way China is".

We may live in the land of advanced computer technology, radically cheap communication services ($15/month for cable and internet combined and less than $2.50/month for a cell phone w/ a data package), bullet trains, cell coverage everywhere (including tunnels, 30 feet underground parking garages and remote mountain regions), apartment lighting that changes softness depending on the need, monthly power bills that cost less than a trip to Starbucks in the States, and Jackie Chan, but simple things like plumbing are still a problem.

Since coming to China we have had to have the toilet in our hotel and our apartment fixed because we broke them. As dumb Americans, we didn't know that most of the world's plumbing cannot handle the increased stress of flushing toilet paper. It's just too much. Don't do it.

That little bit of water makes
all the difference.

They also don't use a piece of plumbing that is very common in the States. It is the lowly S-pipe. The S-pipe is a very simple piece of hardware that serves a purpose that I have only recently learned and apparently always taken for granted. It keeps your house from smelling like three day old sun-dried fish.

I'm not a plumber, but this is my understanding. Having that S-shaped (or U-shaped depending on what was installed) curve in your pipes causes water to not drain completely through it. The simple force of gravity keeps some water in place at the bottom of the curve. That water provides the fantastic service of preventing the potential for poo gases from the sewer lines coming back up the pipe.

Now, this is a pretty low-tech solution, but it is very effective. However, it is not a common practice throughout the world. China being one of those places that does not do this evidenced by this photo of the space beneath our sink.

That open pipe leads to where all the
apartment building's fluids converge

This design is sufficient for its intended purpose which is to get used and contaminated fluids from the home.  I know this because I'm so smart. Unfortunately, I am also one of those stereotypical spoiled Americans who has a stereotypical spoiled American nose which has historically proven to be more easily offended than most of the noses throughout the rest of the world. Even the big Italian noses.

Because the Chinese don't regard the practice of pampering their olfactory orifices to be a priority, we have had to learn how to adjust. By adjust, I actually mean get used to it. It actually was just a slight smell and could easily be forgotten about. However, on some days, it was downright unbearable, but it took a little while to discover why.

Our entire apartment is heated by hot water-fueled radiators. The heat is actually controlled by the government and they decide when we do or do not need to be able to feel our toes. The only control we have is the ability to turn it off or on once they have started the heating. Although, I can't understand why anyone would ever turn it off since they only turn it on when Yetis start wandering out of the surrounding mountains and onto the city streets. So, we just keep them on all the time and go to bed every night praying that the Chinese Ministry of Hot Water will still be nice to us when we wake up.

The controls for the radiators are pretty simple. Each one has a shut-off valve on the top and the bottom to allow the flow of water through the unit. These valves are mostly inconspicuous, but we have found a use for one of them.

Bathroom radiator
shaped as a towel rack

This is the radiator in our bathroom. The bag hanging from the valve at the bottom of this photo contains our "haunted" toilet paper. As I mentioned at the beginning of this story, Chinese plumbing cannot handle the added stress of paper. This means we have to collect our precious bundles of tissue to be transported out of the apartment at a more convenient time when our pants are up.

This improvised bag hanging method worked well for the first six weeks we were in China. However, it eventually got cold enough for the government to finally turn on the heat and it was soon followed by a horrible stench that we could not escape from without leaving the apartment and risking the inevitable Yeti encounter.

It took about two weeks for my wife to discover that our malodorous dilemma was actually our fault and not due to Chinese plumbing practices. I quickly realized that I wasn't a smart as I thought I was when she pointed out that we had been cooking our poop by hanging our used toilet paper on hot radiator pipes. This is one ancient Chinese secret that should be included in a pamphlet given to all foreigners coming to live in this country.

HOW TO AVOID CRUD VAPORS:

STEP 1: Don't cook your crap

It's Winter Again

It's that time of year again. The crystals fall from the sky and glisten in the moonlight as they settle on the ice-covered pond behind my apartment. The icicles hang everywhere there is an edge to grab onto and the white snow stretches as far as the eye can see. Winter can be seen everywhere and more than anyone else I hate it.

I despise winter down to the very core of my being. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it. I hate being cold. I hate being bundled up with extra clothing and layers. I hate space heaters (I'm always worried they'll catch fire). I hate the increased chances of slipping and breaking a bone. I hate the dangerous driving conditions. I hate the decreased visibility. I hate the extra time that must be considered to get to work, to prep your car before leaving, to get dressed before exiting the house and the extra time required to shake the outside off your clothing so you don't bring it inside. Not taking these things into consideration can and do result in death in for many people every winter and I HATE IT.

WINTER SUCKS!!!

I have felt this way my entire adult life and really don't know why I haven't moved to a warmer climate. I did live in San Juan, Puerto Rico for one year, but my son was allergic to the island and we had to come back. It was so much better to look at palm trees at Christmas time than dirty snow piled on the side of the road.

I now work for Amazon which has fulfillment centers almost everywhere. Maybe if I give them a little bit of time, I can transfer to a climate where I won't have to worry about my hand freezing to something I touch. In the meantime, I will spend my time making sure my car is stocked with rock salt, sand, kitty litter, candles, blankets, drinking water, granola bars, lock de-icer, a first aid kit, a shovel, jumper cables, road flares, a fire extinguisher, MREs, and basic tools.

I'm ready for spring.

At Least Nothing Fell Off

Two weeks ago, I hopped on a plane with my beautiful girlfriend, Red of Doesn't Speak Klingon, and my daughter Kirsten. Red was headed to Delaware to participate in her tenth Polar Bear Plunge and since I had participating a Polar Bear Plunge on my Bucket List, she asked if I would like to join her.

^*Although, I suspect she had an ulterior motive. I think she likes me.

We reached Delaware two days before the plunge, so we had time to see the sights. Red had lived in this area for 12 years before moving to Indianapolis, so we met up with some of her friends, had some great meals and did some shopping.

Things are done differently from state-to-state. There were several times that I wasn't sure what was going on. For instance, I saw these signs all over the place.

Something is to the left

I would be driving through the city, trying to find my way to whatever we were headed to, so I carefully kept my eyes on the signs. Signs are useful for telling you what is around and how to get to things, but in Delaware they aren't really sure where things are either. As you can see above, the Historical Society and alternate parking are to the right and something is to the left, but the city planners aren't really sure what it is. These signs are all over town with no clue as to what they are directing you toward.

Delaware is also very liberal with how numbers work. Walking around town, I was having trouble deciding what to buy for a souvenir. I got excited when I stumbled upon a store with a sign in the window advertising that everything was under $9.95.

They had some cool stuff in there, but I was afraid to give them any money because I didn't trust their math skills enough to know if they could count change.

The day of the plunge arrived and a wonderful thing happened. The temperature started going up. We had been dealing with sub-zero temperatures in the Midwest for the last month and Delaware had experienced similar temperatures. However, the day of the plunge, the temperature rose. It was up to almost 60 degrees an hour before we jumped in the Atlantic. The water was still 34 degrees, but at least we wouldn't freeze once we got out. That was the part I was most concerned about. I was ready to brave the water, but thought I might die afterward.

The beach was packed with over 2,700 participants and hundreds of spectators. Two hours before plunge time, people were already running around in swimsuits. You expect bikinis on the beach, but not in the middle of winter. There was still snow on the ground!

The Polar Bear Plunge is done to raise money for the Special Olympics and all these people showing up to jump in the frigid water raised over $425,000 at this one event. The excitement was in the air and it was time to jump in. They started the countdown and 2,700 people ran for the water.

This entire time, I had been amazed at how I was not freezing despite having only worn swim trunks for the last 15 minutes. As soon as my feet hit the water, I understood why more people don't do this. Thirty-four degrees is not exactly a comfortable temperature, but I had flown 900 miles for this 'privilege.' It felt like little needles stabbing into my feet, but it was too late to turn back.

My plan was to run in far enough that I could jump in to go totally under and come out. However, the surf pulled away soon after my feet hit the freezing water. I had to chase after the water and soon saw a large wave coming at me. I tucked down enough that it washed over me. Thirty-four degree water on my feet was a shock. Over my entire body really had my attention. 

After this time on the beach enjoying a few days outside, I came home to this. We've had a high averaging 15 degrees ever since.

My car the day after I got back. Thank you, Indiana!

SNOWPOCALYPSE - Redux

I am down to my last week of class for the semester and have a huge assignment looming over me. When I sat down to write tonight's post, I couldn't concentrate, so here is a post from two years ago. I wrote this in the midst of the huge snow storm two years ago not knowing if we were going to survive.

---

For the last few days the National Weather Service has been warning us that the largest storm to hit the area since weather started being recorded in 1886 is coming to kill us all.  The forecast was a few days of ice with up to an inch of accumulation and then 12 to 18 inches of snow.  Since history is about to be made and I knew about it ahead of time, I started chronicling the events for future generations.

January 30, 2011

7:28pm        Arrive at Wal-Mart to stock up for the impending doom.  I get everything on my list, but know there is something I haven’t thought of.

January 31, 2011

12:43pm      Right on time, the ice starts falling from the sky and coating everything.

1:30pm        Central A&M (Kirsten’s school) calls it a day and sends the students home.  Ice continues to fall.

6:30pm        Receive text that Central A&M is cancelled for the following day.

6:32pm        The ice storm stops.

February 1, 2011

5:59am        Receive text that LCU (Lincoln Christian University – my school) is closing for the day.

6:03am        It occurs to me that I take online classes so the closure does not really affect me.

11:18am      The ice starts falling again, but much harder and accompanied by 35 m.p.h. gusts of wind.

12:30pm      Receive text telling me not to come to work that day.

4:25:17pm   The power goes out

4:25:19pm   Hear cursing from next apartment and loud exclamation, “NO!!!  I WAS RIGHT AT THE END OF THE LEVEL!!!  I HAVEN’T SAVED IT!!!”

4:26pm        Locate a flashlight and establish martial law in the apartment.  Do not open the fridge or the front door.

5:05pm        Receive text to not go to work the next day.

5:08pm        Without television, decided to watch the storm out the window.

5:12pm        Observed unprepared neighbor trying to chip the ice off his windshield with a hatchet.

5:19pm        Observed neighbor give up and go back inside.

5:26:03pm   Alex (Kirsten’s boyfriend) offers for us to ride out the outage at his house with his parents.

5:26:12pm    I tell Kirsten I am staying to keep the pipes from freezing and the python since his heat lamp was out and he is cold-blooded.

5:26:17pm   Kirsten leaves me alone in the apartment.

5:48pm        Receive text that Central A&M is canceled for next day.

5:54pm        The sun sets and the apartment is in total darkness.

5:56pm        I stub my toe on kitchen table.

6:03pm        I remember the thing I forgot when I was stocking up for this storm: candles.

6:08pm        I speak to my parents in Florida to let them know what is going on.  They tell me about their new shorts and the fish they caught that day.

6:14pm        I decide not to talk to my parents again until June.

6:18pm        The wind picks up and the trees start breaking off.

6:23pm        I step out into the stairwell to converse with the neighbors about the declaration that people are not allowed to leave town.  Road travel has been forbidden.

6:29pm        The neighbors start drawing straws to determine who has to make a cigarette run.

8:09pm        Our python wakes up and comes out of his resting place to seek out heat.  Since the heat lamp is out, I put him in my sweatshirt.

8:12pm        An ungrateful reptile bites me on the nipple.

8:19pm        I stub my toe in the bathroom.

8:35pm        Receive text from Kirsten that she is ready to come home.  Apparently, she was just going to visit for a while.

8:37pm        Begin scraping windshield.

8:43pm        Wishing I had a hatchet.

8:56pm        Decided that the 2 foot square section I cleared would have to be enough. Started van.

9:03pm        Finally got maneuvered out of parking lot.

9:04pm        Stopped a half-block from the apartment.  Windshield was frozen again.

9:06pm        Discover that I am stuck in the middle of the road.

9:09pm        Got loose in time to have to clean the windshield again.

9:12pm        Used my memory to guess where I was going since I gave up trying to see.

9:17pm        Retrieved Kirsten and battled our way back home.

9:32pm        Arrive at home after this 30 minute adventure.  (Kirsten was only 4 blocks away.)  I should have just walked.

9:54pm        Power comes back on.

9:56pm        While putting flashlight away I find a box of candles.

After 4 hours and 29 minutes, the power is back on and hope is restored.  I pray that my records serve as a guiding light for future generations as they reflect on this dark period.

February 2, 2011

7:08am        Punxsutawney Phil predicts early spring.

Stuntman Training #4 - Winter Games

It has steadily been getting cooler over the last few weeks, but this week it took that dip that I just hate to see. The temperature got down below freezing letting me know that winter is almost upon us. I don't say that with any type of anticipation. I have explained many times how much I despise the cold weather, snow, and ice. Click here for a post I wrote two years ago to get a feel for how much I hate it. I get a little depressed every time I step outside and get hit with that cold air. I hate it.

Despite how much I despise winter today, I can remember a time when I didn't mind as much. I don't believe I have ever been a fan of winter, but I was capable of going out and enjoying it from time to time.

We had a big snow one year when I was in high school and classes were cancelled for days due to the bad road conditions. My uncle Kevin drove a four wheel drive and asked if we wanted to go out and enjoy the winter conditions. My brothers and I bundled up and piled in the back of his truck.

The roads were in such bad conditions he never got above 35 MPH. As we were watching the scenery go by, we were amazed at the size of the snow drifts burying the mailboxes and filling the ditches. In several places, if it hadn't been for the tracks of the people that had driven through before us, there would be no way of knowing where the road was. Sometimes the drifts were even over the fence posts extending from the surrounding fields right onto the road.

My brother Kyle, noticing that the road was covered with hard packed snow due to the cars that had previously driven on it, decided to try some body skiing. Once we were sure Kevin wasn't looking, Kyle crawled over the tailgate and stepped out onto the slick road. Trying to counterbalance his weight, he slowly got both feet onto the road as the truck continued to move. On his first attempt, he was standing on the road while holding on to the bumper. He lost his balance every now and then, but as long as he held on to the bumper, he was able to soon regain his footing.

We were so busy watching Kyle that we forgot to keep our eye on Kevin. He had seen what we were doing, but figured since Kyle was already out of the back of the truck, the most dangerous part was already past and just kept driving. However, we quickly became aware that he knew what was going on when he yelled back, "DRY PATCH!"

We were approaching an intersection and the extra traffic on that portion of pavement had worn the snow away causing a 10 foot section of bare asphalt.  The snow and ice on the roads made it impossible for Kevin to stop the truck before getting to it. Since Kevin had been watching us in the back, he hadn't seen it on time. Kyle couldn't hear the warning due to the sound of his boots gliding on the ice and the sound of the truck. He had no time to react. The warning wasn't soon enough.

His feet hit the patch and abruptly stopped sliding. They took traction on the pavement and whipped his legs out from underneath him. The sudden jolt shot his body up into the air. However, due to the conditions and difficulty he had staying on his feet even before the dry patch, Kyle had a firm grip on the bumper and he held tight.

He landed on his knees and immediately fell, but never released his grip. He was being drug behind the truck. Kevin could not see directly behind the truck and did not know what was happening, but hadn't seen Kyle careen off into a ditch, so he knew he was still back there and kept driving. Plus, we weren't flagging him to stop.

Picture this, but with snow...and no rope.

Kyle discovered that it was just as much fun to drag behind the truck as it was to try to stay upright. Plus, now that he had injured his knee, standing was no longer an option. Trevor, not wanting to miss out on the fun, soon crawled out the back and joined Kyle on the bumper. Now when the occasional dry patch came, they just held tight and rode it out. The extra padding was all that was needed to protect their skin from being peeled off by the road.

We soon approached an area that had wide deep ditches, but they couldn't be seen due to the heavy drifting. There was no more room behind the truck on the bumper, but I wanted to have my fun too. I stood up in the bed of the truck, moved to the side, steadied one foot on the rail and launched myself out.

I tucked into a somersault and landed on my back in the middle of a large drift. The snow provided the padding I had expected. However, I had not anticipated how deep it would be in the snow and the difficulty I would face in getting out. It took me a couple of minutes to even get my feet under me and another couple of minutes to fight my way back to the top and back to the road.

The truck was stopped a few hundred feet further up the road. Kevin felt the shake of me jumping out, but hadn't seen it. When he looked back, he found an empty bed. Not knowing where I had gone and also not being aware that Trevor had joined Kyle out the back, he didn't know what had happened. He stopped in investigate, but no one had seen me jump.

I caught up to them and Kevin was not happy. He warned that the funny business had to stop because our mother would kill him if she found out he was letting us do this stuff. We agreed to be good and got back in the back of the truck.

As we got going down the road, I was telling Kyle and Trevor about what I had done. It was so fun flying through the air and not having to worry about the difficult landing part. They wanted to try it, but knew Kevin wouldn't go for it. We started watching for clear spots and when we saw one coming up that looked good enough, we all jumped out at the same time.

 After another warning from Kevin, we were back on the road again. Kevin had agreed to let us hang on to the back bumper as long as we didn't jump out any more. We agreed, but soon grew bored with this. Kyle flipped onto his back and pulled himself under the moving truck, Indiana Jones style. I hung on to the back bumper to relay messages to Kyle about dry patches from Trevor who was sitting in the bed watching the road ahead for us.

Kyle pulled himself all the way to the front of the truck and grabbed hold of the front bumper. He held there long enough for me to work my way back into the bed of the truck so I could watch the show that was about to happen.

Once seated in the back, Trevor and I watched Kevin as he continued to drive, thinking Kyle was being pulled behind us. After a couple of minutes, Kyle's head popped up over the front of the truck. Kevin jumped and dropped his coffee. Kyle dropped back down and was at the back of the truck again before Kevin could come to a stop.*

*Going to the back is much easier than pulling yourself forward.

Kevin made us get in the cab with him since we couldn't be trusted anymore. We drove to the nearest country bar and had hot chocolate while Kevin had a few stiffer drinks to calm his nerves.

Between each drink, he repeated the phrase that he had uttered hundreds of times in the past, "Please, don't tell your mother."

---

For other stories of times we used less than discerning judgement about basic safety, check out the following posts.
Don't Try This at Home
This Is Why My Body Is Falling Apart Today
Stuntman Training #1
Stuntman Training #2 - Playing with Fire
Stuntman Training #3 - Creative Uses for Living Room Furniture

Jack Frost Can Bite Me

On Tuesday, I wrote about me being sick. I received lots of get well wishes, which were very much appreciated. Thank you.

Today, I am not back to 100% yet, but I am definitely on the mend. All my aches and pains are gone. I no longer have a head ache or fever. The only thing left is some chest congestion. Hopefully, that will clear up in the next few days.

Since I have basically just slept when I haven't been at work for the entire last week, waking up today feeling good meant that I had some pent up energy. I thought my return to the world of the healthy would be good news to my daughter, but she claims the house was much quieter when I was incapacitated.

Apparently, she doesn't care for my musical outbursts or being forced to box with me when we pass in the hall. I never knew this. She may complain now, but she'll miss me when I'm dead.

She was thankful that I was up and moving when we all went out for dinner. According to her, we have been out of food for the last three days, but I had been too sick to notice. She was sweet enough to know that I was sick and didn't bother me with this little detail, but is still of the mindset where she thinks she has to eat every single day. That gets a bit annoying, but I have learned to make due. It's just part of the sacrifices I make for my family.

Now that I am on my feet again, I realize that I have some seasonal preparations to take care of. The temperature has dropped significantly in the past week, which means winter is right around the corner. It is no secret that I hate winter.  We barely survived the great SNOWPOCALPSE of 2011 because we weren't properly prepared. I don't care to have a repeat of any similar events.

I may not be able to control the weather, but I can control how prepared I am for whatever may come my way. Here are some of the things I plan to do this weekend to get prepared for the three months of icy Jack Frost hell that are coming our way.

• Stock up on groceries. Generally, if I have to leave the house, it is because I have gotten low on food because the kids discovered where I was hoarding it. Frozen pizzas, frozen burritos, frozen waffles. Frozen is usually a good way to go in case of a power outage. Food can be tossed in the snow to maintain freshness hardness.
• Get chains for car. The roads get slick out there and I will need something heavy to break into another car if mine gets stuck in a ditch.
• Dig out the warmer clothing and extra blankets. Having these handy makes them more readily available to stuff under doors and hang over windows when those cold drafts start to blow in.
• Cancel gym membership. There is no way I am driving across town to change into shorts, start sweating and then drive back in subzero temperatures. I'll rejoin in the spring.

• 

  I know bacon usually comes from
  pork bellies, but that's only because 
  it's the fattest part of a pig

  Stock up on ammunition. If we run out of food and the roads are impassable, I may need to be prepared to personally provide food for my family. I see the occasional rabbit in my back yard. If things get more desperate, several of our neighbors have outside dogs. I am not even above an Andes rugby team type of scenario if the situation calls for it and we have plenty of neighbors. I have even been reading up on how to make my own bacon.
• Buy plenty of batteries. Mostly AA to ensure the TV remotes and XBOX controllers are always functional.
• Buy shovels to clobber anyone who tries to enter our house and loot our winter supplies.

With a little forethought and planning, I should be able to get my family through to spring without any casualties worth mentioning. Once my daughter graduates high school, I'm moving south.

Get the Groundhog Here...NOW!!!

This a reworking of a post from November 2010. I have been busy with school work, so I pulled out an old one. It still applies today as much as it did then.

We have had a very mild winter before today. It is the middle of January and had days that were in the 60's just last week. I have known that the cold was coming, but have been praying for a very mild winter. However, this morning I woke up to snow on the ground and the temperature never got above freezing. Tomorrow is supposed to be even worse. The forecast predicts a high of only 29 degrees. This can only mean one thing, but I really don’t want to admit it. I think winter is coming.

I hate winter. Actually, the word 'hate' may not capture what I want to say; I loathe winter. Despise. Abhor. Deprecate. Detest. You can pick your favorite verb here, I really do not care for winter. I don’t like the icy roads, the constant and very real danger of slipping and breaking a bone, the extra preparation and supplies to keep in the car, the increased utility bills, the snow shoveling, the snow getting tracked into the house, the salt build-up on my vehicle, the need for extra clothing, the increased commute time, and the COLD.

Many people try to claim that winter is pretty; that the snow covering everything is beautiful.  I will argue that it is not.  When I lived in Puerto Rico, my brother sent me a picture of his backyard so I could see what I was missing. I don't know what feeling this was supposed to give me, but I don't think it worked.  I really didn't miss it at all.  It didn't bother me in the least that I wasn't there to see it.  While he was having to dig his car out of his driveway and spend money on tire chains, I was less than a mile from the beach and eating mangoes on my front porch.  Can you imagine the difference?  Do you really think I was upset that I had missed the icy scenery of the backyard?

While I can give some (although limited) appreciation for the beauty of fresh, fallen snow; it has some serious limitations.  The beautiful places are generally uninterrupted by people (i.e. open fields, mountains, Antarctica, Zac Efron movies).  However, those are also not places in which people have to function.  When the snow falls where we have to live and work it is not nearly as breath-taking.  It is much more than just not pretty, it is a real hassle to have to contend with.  How many times in the winter have you gone out to your car to leave for work or school just to discover it will take an extra 20 minutes to get out of the driveway because of the previous night's weather?  Or maybe you planned ahead and dug a path in the driveway the night before, but woke up the next morning to find that snowplows clearing the roads had buried the last six feet of your driveway under two feet of snow and rock that is now frozen. Or maybe you are running late for work because your car door was frozen shut.  After fighting Jack Frost for half an hour (or longer) you now have to brave the condition of the roads caused by this 'beautiful' landscape.

NO THANK YOU!!

As if walking in this treacherous, slippery landscape wasn't enough, you must do it with limited mobility due to the extra weight and restrictive clothing required to survive.  To get through the winter we have to wear coats, thermal underwear, nonskid (and waterproof) boots, scarves, stocking caps, earmuffs, gloves and other various miscellaneous items.  A family of four has to get up an extra 90 minutes early in the morning just to get everyone dressed.  

Winter clothing choices cannot be taken lightly.  For example, when choosing gloves you have 2 choices: you can either (a) keep you hands warm, or (b) move your fingers.  It is up to you to decide which is more important.

There is still the worst part of winter to contend with: the COLD.  Some days it is so bad it takes your breath away as soon as you step out the door.  You must dress appropriately if you want to survive your excursion out of the house.  If you go overboard and dress too warmly you will start to sweat.  The perspiration could then freeze and crack your face exposing your brain to the elements.  If you do not wear enough clothing (or choose something that doesn't break the wind, isn't waterproof, or gives easy access for bathroom breaks) then you run the risk of various winter ailments.  You could get hypothermia, pneumonia, frostbite, or Mad Cow Disease.  Midwestern Mothers are always warning their children to wear a hat over their ears because if the ears get too cold they could freeze solid causing them to break off if the child turns his head too quickly.  Every winter numerous fingers and toes are lost to frostbite, not to be found again until the early spring thaw.  Unfortunately, by then they are too soggy to do anything with.

As much as I hate this season, I think I am ready.  I have stocked up on soup and coffee and have signed up for all online courses for my college classes.  I am not leaving my house until March.  And that will only be to get umbrellas, raincoats, and a canoe, because it will then be time for the torrential spring rains.  I hate spring.

SNOWPOCALYPSE - WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

For the last few days the National Weather Service has been warning us that the largest storm to hit the area since weather started being recorded in 1886 is coming to kill us all.  The forecast was a few days of ice with up to an inch of accumulation and then 12 to 18 inches of snow.  Since history is about to be made and I knew about it ahead of time, I started chronicling the events for future generations.

January 30, 2011

7:28pm        Arrive at Wal-Mart to stock up for the impending doom.  I get everything on my list, but know there is something I haven’t thought of.

January 31, 2011

12:43pm      Right on time, the ice starts falling from the sky and coating everything.

1:30pm        Central A&M (Kirsten’s school) calls it a day and sends the students home.  Ice continues to fall.

6:30pm        Receive text that Central A&M is cancelled for the following day.

6:32pm        The ice storm stops.

February 1, 2011

5:59am        Receive text that LCU (Lincoln Christian University – my school) is closing for the day.

6:03am        It occurs to me that I take online classes so the closure does not really affect me.

11:18am      The ice starts falling again, but much harder and accompanied by 35 m.p.h. gusts of wind.

12:30pm      Receive text telling me not to come to work that day.

4:25:17pm   The power goes out

4:25:19pm   Hear cursing from next apartment and loud exclamation, “NO!!!  I WAS RIGHT AT THE END OF THE LEVEL!!!  I HAVEN’T SAVED IT!!!”

4:26pm        Locate a flashlight and establish martial law in the apartment.  Do not open the fridge or the front door.

5:05pm        Receive text to not go to work the next day.

5:08pm        Without television, decided to watch the storm out the window.

5:12pm        Observed unprepared neighbor trying to chip the ice off his windshield with a hatchet.

5:19pm        Observed neighbor give up and go back inside.

5:26:03pm   Alex (Kirsten’s boyfriend) offers for us to ride out the outage at his house with his parents.

5:26:12pm    I tell Kirsten I am staying to keep the pipes from freezing and the python since his heat lamp was out and he is cold-blooded.

5:26:17pm   Kirsten leaves me alone in the apartment.

5:48pm        Receive text that Central A&M is canceled for next day.

5:54pm        The sun sets and the apartment is in total darkness.

5:56pm        I stub my toe on kitchen table.

6:03pm        I remember the thing I forgot when I was stocking up for this storm: candles.

6:08pm        I speak to my parents in Florida to let them know what is going on.  They tell me about their new shorts and the fish they caught that day.

6:14pm        I decide not to talk to my parents again until June.

6:18pm        The wind picks up and the trees start breaking off.

6:23pm        I step out into the stairwell to converse with the neighbors about the declaration that people are not allowed to leave town.  Road travel has been forbidden.

6:29pm        The neighbors start drawing straws to determine who has to make a cigarette run.

8:09pm        Our python wakes up and comes out of his resting place to seek out heat.  Since the heat lamp is out, I put him in my sweatshirt.

8:12pm        An ungrateful reptile bites me on the nipple.

8:19pm        I stub my toe in the bathroom.

8:35pm        Receive text from Kirsten that she is ready to come home.  Apparently, she was just going to visit for a while.

8:37pm        Begin scraping windshield.

8:43pm        Wishing I had a hatchet.

8:56pm        Decided that the 2 foot square section I cleared would have to be enough. Started van.

9:03pm        Finally got maneuvered out of parking lot.

9:04pm        Stopped a half-block from the apartment.  Windshield was frozen again.

9:06pm        Discover that I am stuck in the middle of the road.

9:09pm        Got loose in time to have to clean the windshield again.

9:12pm        Used my memory to guess where I was going since I gave up trying to see.

9:17pm        Retrieved Kirsten and battled our way back home.

9:32pm        Arrive at home after this 30 minute adventure.  (Kirsten was only 4 blocks away.)  I should have just walked.

9:54pm        Power comes back on.

9:56pm        While putting flashlight away I find a box of candles.

After 4 hours and 29 minutes, the power is back on and hope is restored.  I pray that my records serve as a guiding light for future generations as they reflect on this dark period.

February 2, 2011

7:08am        Punxsutawney Phil predicts early spring.

Ready for the Groundhog

We have had some fantastic weather this week. It is the middle of November and it has been in the mid-70’s all week. I have enjoyed walking across town to escort my daughter home from school. The windows have been open in the apartment and a nice breeze has been flowing through. I could hear the sound of children playing outside. This morning, however, I woke up to an overcast sky and a temperature of 38 degrees. I checked the Weather Channel website and it forecasts the high for today at only 52 degrees. The 10-day forecast predicts 62 degrees for one day next week, but 40’s and 50’s the rest of the time. This can only mean one thing, but I really don’t want to admit it. I think winter is coming.

I hate winter. Actually, the word 'hate' may not capture what I want to say; I loathe winter. Despise. Abhor. Deprecate. Detest. You can pick your favorite verb here, I really do not care for winter. I don’t like the icy roads, the constant and very real danger of slipping and breaking a bone, the extra preparation and supplies to keep in the car, the increased utility bills, the snow shoveling, the snow getting tracked into the house, the salt build-up on my vehicle, the need for extra clothing, the increased commute time, and the COLD.

Fresh Snowfall in So. IL (2001)

Many people claim that winter is pretty; that the snow covering everything is beautiful.  I will argue that it is not.  When I lived in Puerto Rico, my brother sent me a picture of his backyard so I could see what I was missing. I don't know what feeling this was supposed to give me, but I don't think it worked.  I really didn't miss it at all.  It didn't bother me in the least that I wasn't there to see it.  While he was having to dig his car out of his driveway and spend money on tire chains, I was less than a mile from the beach and eating mangoes on my front porch.  Can you see the difference?  Do you really think I was upset that I had missed the scenery of the backyard?

Laiya Beach in San Juan (2001)

DO NOT ENTER - TOO PRETTY

Let's make a snowman!

While I can give some (although limited) appreciation for the beauty of fresh, fallen snow; it has some serious limitations.  The beautiful places are generally uninterrupted by people (i.e. open fields, mountains, Antarctica, Zac Efron movies).  However, those are also not places in which people have to function.  When the snow falls where we have to live and work it is not nearly as breath-taking.  It is much more than just not pretty, it is a real hassle to have to contend with.  How many times in the winter have you gone out to your car to leave for work or school just to discover it will take an extra 20 minutes to get out of the driveway because of the previous night's weather?  Or maybe you planned ahead and dug a path in the driveway the night before, but woke up the next morning to find that snowplows clearing the roads had buried the last six feet of your driveway under two feet of snow and rock that is now frozen. Or maybe you are running late for work because your car door was frozen shut.  After fighting Jack Frost for half an hour (or longer) you now have to brave the condition of the roads caused by this beautiful landscape.

NO THANK YOU!!

As if walking in this treacherous, slippery landscape wasn't enough, you must do it with limited mobility due to the extra weight and restrictive clothing required to survive.  To get through the winter we have to wear coats, thermal underwear, nonskid (and waterproof) boots, scarves, stocking caps, earmuffs, gloves and other various miscellaneous items.  A family of four has to get up an extra 90 minutes early in the morning just to get everyone dressed.  

Winter clothing choices cannot be taken lightly.  For example, when choosing gloves you have 2 choices: you can either (a) keep you hands warm, or (b) move your fingers.  It is up to you to decide which is more important.

There is still the worst part of winter to contend with: the COLD.  Some days it is so bad it takes your breath away as soon as you step out the door.  You must dress appropriately if you want to survive your excursion out of the house.  If you go overboard and dress too warmly you will start to sweat.  The perspiration could then freeze and crack your face exposing your brain to the elements.  If you do not wear enough clothing (or choose something that doesn't break the wind, isn't waterproof, or gives easy access for bathroom breaks) then you run the risk of various winter ailments.  You could get hypothermia, pneumonia, frostbite, or Mad Cow Disease.  Midwestern Mothers are always warning their children to wear a hat over their ears because if the ears get too cold they could freeze solid causing them to break off if the child turns his head too quickly.  Every winter numerous fingers and toes are lost to frostbite, not to be found again until the early spring thaw.  Unfortunately, by then they are too soggy to do anything with.

As much as I hate this season, I think I am ready.  I have stocked up on soup and coffee and have signed up for all online courses for my college classes.  I am not leaving this apartment until March.  And that will only be to get umbrellas, raincoats, and a canoe, because it will then be time for the torrential spring rains.  I hate spring.