D - Dystopian - #AtoZChallenge

Allen and Michael had finally finished securing the glass entryway on the front of the store when Lora showed up with lunch. 

"Baked beans or ravioli?" she held up a can of each.

Michael unsheathed the knife on his belt and worked to open the beans. "These are going to get old pretty fast. We've got to get more food." 

Allen shook his head at his son. "I know these won't last forever, but we have enough for a few weeks. Things need to settle down a little out there before we go out again."

With cold ravioli sauce still on her lips, Lora spoke up, "Dad, I agree with Mikey. There's a grocery store less than a block from here. Let's go stock up."

Allen knew the store was a magnet for everyone in town in the same situation. There were just too many desperate people willing to do whatever they had to do to feed themselves and their families. "No. It's too dangerous. People are still panicking and being irrational. It's safe in here."

Lora retreated back to the comfort of her can of cold pasta, but Michael had always been willing to stand up to his father. "Dad, every minute that goes by, the less food and things will be there. It may be empty already. We have to move now."

Allen was unwilling to risk the safety of his children. When they had to flee their home due to the unruly mobs that had grown more and more unpredictable in the last few days, Allen intentionally chose this hardware store as their target. It didn't have much food, but there were lots of supplies that may come in handy later and it was a very secure building. The small gun counter in the back meant they had the means to protect themselves. Food was definitely going to be important, but that seemed to be the whole town's focus at the moment. The nearer anyone got to potential food sources, the more dangerous it was as people fought to be the person to take their discoveries for themselves.

Allen was actually surprised at how well his children were handling things. They were scared and had their panicked moments, but the atrocities they saw on their grisly adventure to get to this store still bounced around in Allen's head. No one had mentioned anything they witnessed out there in the chaos.

Allen scooped out the last of his beans and declared that he was going to take a nap. He hadn't really slept since he saw the mushroom cloud in the distance and could not go on like this forever. No power, no radio or TV, and no phone service meant no news of what was going on. He knew he had to be alert, but it was time to try to sleep so they could come up with a plan for tomorrow.

As soon as he stepped to the back of the store, Michael whispered to Lora, "Let's give him 30 minutes and we'll sneak out the service entrance. We'll be loaded up and back before he knows we're gone."

---

 

All this month, I am participating in the A to Z Challenge. A new post will go up every day (except Sundays) using a letter of the alphabet as the starting off point. My theme for the month is literary genres. I am writing in a different genre of flash fiction each day. Today's letter is D for Dystopian.

B - Bullies

For as long as people have had to interact with each other, there have always been those people who prey on the ones who are weaker than them. And this dynamic will always exist. Bullying is part of life and it will never be eliminated. We can evolve our methods in how we choose to deal with bullying when it occurs and implement measures to prevent it as much as possible, but it will never be eradicated.

Bullying exists in virtually all aspects of life. It is not only on the playground, but it is in the workplace, in families, in churches, in social clubs and many other places. However, the place that gets most of the attention on this subject is the public school system.

I am no stranger to this practice. Throughout most of my school life, I was on the receiving end of bullies getting their jollies by picking on the weak or the different. I wasn't smaller in the physical sense. I was always rather tall for my age and I wasn't without strength. However, I was one of the awkward kids. Not strange or weird, but I just didn't quite fit in the way most of the other kids seemed to. And being one of the outsiders attracts extra attention for some reason.

My earliest memories of being bullied came from the kids who grew up to be the jocks. I didn't think of it as bullying at the time. It was just a near-daily barrage of being harassed or laughed at by the cooler kids. It was jokes at my expense, insults and "Hey, look at Minor" type comments when someone saw me doing anything that might register a laugh.

Today, I recognize that I was not a weird little kid. I had just gotten tagged as one of the "not cool" ones and it is hard to shake your reputation when you go to a small school. I was in the 5^th grade when I noticed how this worked. It was right at the end of the day when one of the students was up at the teacher's desk and suddenly exclaimed, "Brett has his shirt on inside out." I looked at my shirt and he was right. It was inside out. We had just gotten back from P.E. and had gotten in late from the ball field so had to change quickly to get back to class. Honest mistake. Especially since it was a solid colored t-shirt.

However, the entire class erupted into laughter and everyone was pointing at me. I couldn't crawl under my desk because that would only make it worse, but I really wanted to. I grinned acting like I was laughing at myself also and made my way to the closet to grab my jacket and cover my "unforgivable mistake."

I made my way back to my seat and the laughter died down after a few minutes. Soon, I heard someone say, "Greg, what are you doing?" There was a guy in the back of the room who had tried to put his jeans on over his shoes. Remember when I said we had been rushed out of the locker room. He had not been able to get one of his pant legs past his hi-tops and the denim was still caught on the shoe.

Stuff like this happens, but I couldn't help but notice no one was laughing at him. In fact, several girls ran back to help and they were all giggling as they tugged on his pant leg.

We had both experienced a public wardrobe malfunction, but I was the one ridiculed for it. The only difference was, he was one of the cool kids. I was used to being laughed at but hadn't noticed the hypocrisy until that day. I never forgot it.

There were a few guys who picked on me and knocked me around daily, especially in P.E. The locker room was the worst since the teacher was rarely in there and no one ever stepped up to stop someone from being picked on.

I do not want to paint a picture like it was a horrible, miserable experience. Being bullied sucked, but I was a reasonably happy kid. I was being battered. I took hits now and then, but it was mostly intimidation and ridicule. That doesn't make it right, I just want to paint an accurate picture.

These patterns continued on into high school. I was one of the nerds and I knew it. I had accepted it and that really just made things worse. I had developed a bit of a superiority complex. I was smarter than everyone else and I knew it. Whether this was true or not didn't matter. I certainly believed it at the time.

Whether I was smarter was never proven, but it was true that I had a quick wit and a sharp tongue. This meant that as soon as anyone started anything with me, I had a quick retort. And it was usually a good one. I loved the fact that I could get people to laugh at my bullies instead of laughing at me. If a comment was lobbed at me, I shot back quickly and the crowd around us burst out laughing at the embarrassment I had just delivered to my aggressor.

I loved knowing that I had won intellectually, but it also greatly increased the probability of this becoming a physical altercation. I took more punches in high school than I ever did in junior high and I totally believe it was because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I am not shifting blame here. Bullies are bullies and they were the ones in the wrong, but there were many times I could have avoided the beating by taking a different approach.

By the time I graduated high school, I had morphed out of being an outsider. I was not one of the popular kids, but I wasn't at the bottom of the social ladder anymore. My last two years of high school were actually pretty cool and I almost never got picked on. Or maybe I just learned how to deal with it better.

Those same bullying tactics would never work on me today. It's much more difficult to get under my skin these days. I can more easily laugh at myself. I can also laugh off situations that at one time would have been socially traumatizing.

Plus, all those years of dealing with difficult people gave me the skill set to have a pretty successful run in sales as an adult. I used to ask management to send the angry and mean customers to me. I just had a way with the customers who wanted to throw their weight around.

Once again, bullies are bullies. I am not letting them off the hook for their behavior, but in many situations, they only have so much power over their victims because the victim allows it. Most (not all) bullying can be easily walked away from or shaken off. Quite often, if a bully is not getting the desired effect of intimidation or humiliation that he is aiming for, he will move onto another person who might provide him with the intended response. However, this is often difficult for a child. These are skills that are learned (by some of us) as we grow older.

My posts this month are about people I feel have affected my life and I believe that my bullies had a definite impact. I learned a lot from them. Yes, being bullied sucked but it influenced how I interact with people and how I handle difficult situations. It also affected the way I view the world and the people in it. I wouldn't wish to go through it again, but I really do believe that the experience when coupled with time and maturity helped develop me into a stronger person

---

This month, I am participating in the A to Z Challenge. Each day this month, people around the world are writing blog posts and working their way through the alphabet. Each person decides their own personal theme. I am writing about people who have affected my life.

The Fight To Practice My Constitutional Right

Whether you feel that the election went your way or not, I think it is safe to assume that most people are pleased it is behind us.

Tuesday morning is the tail end of the incredibly busy Monday I have every week. By the time I got home from work and got my daughter off to school, I had been awake for close to 28 hours and was ready to drop. However, I wanted to vote before I went to bed fearing that I wouldn't be up again before the polls closed.

I drove to the polling place where I had last voted, but it was no longer being used. Not knowing where to go, I went back home to look it up online. The polling place locator I found did not work, but did find a polling place close to my house using a Google search.

I drove to that location and they advised me that I was not in the correct district. She pulled out a city map with the districts on it to help determine where I should be, but the map did not show my part of the city, despite being only six blocks from my house.

Having trouble finding your polling station? I recommend looking for the most depressing building within a mile of where you live.
— Brett Minor (@brettminor) November 7, 2012

Driving back toward my house, I saw a sign for another polling place. Going inside, I was told it was not the correct place either, but they knew where I should go. I then drove to a place that was further away than either of the two places I had previously left. Bleary eyed, I stumbled up through the parking lot.

Thankfully, there were only six people in line in front of me. However, there seemed to be a problem for each person. It took several minutes to find their names in the book, or to get the election judge to properly hear how someone spelled their name, even though I could hear it clearly while half asleep and fifteen feet away. I guy was taken into the back of the room to fill out some additional paperwork before being allowed to vote.

When I finally reached the table and gave them my name, they couldn't find me listed in the system.

ELECTION JUDGE: Did you register to vote?

Of course, I registered. That's why I'm here.

ME: Yes.

ELECTION JUDGE: Where?

Who cares where. Does the place I registered have any effect on whether I get to vote or not?

ME: At the DMV. When I got my license, they asked if I wanted to register to vote. I said, "YES."

ELECTION JUDGE: When was that?

Once again, who cares? I pulled out my license to show them when I got it.

ELECTION JUDGE: Have you moved?

ME: Didn't I just show you my license?

Because they could find no record of me in their system or produce any voter card with my name on it, they had me call the circuit clerk's office to see what the problem was. Once I gave her my name, I was informed that they had me down as INACTIVE. When I asked why she said, "I don't know. Have you moved."

ME: Not since I moved to where I am now.

Seriously, how are you supposed to answer that question?

She asked me a serious of questions I had trouble concentrating on, but finally told me I could vote a full ballot once the election judges had me fill out some new paperwork. I returned to the table to tell them what I was told and instructed them that they could call in if they had any questions.

They asked me what form I was supposed to fill out.

I don't know.

They continued to ask me questions about proper paperwork and procedure. I answered every question the same way. I DON'T KNOW. I would then remind them that they could call in to the circuit clerk's office if they had any questions.

Hard to convince people that every votematters when they’re still counting ballots in Florida after Obama gave his victory speech.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) November 7, 2012

While they were trying to figure out what should be done with me, the judges would apologize and say they had to get other people through. They would then stop working with me and start getting other people through the line. I would remind them again that they could call into the circuit clerk's office to learn exactly what to do.

After shuffling through another dozen voters, one of them asked me, "Now, what were we doing with you?"

I explained the problem again and she started in with the same questions they had already asked me. She then asked me what form I needed to fill out. I was growing very tired, had been there over an our and was losing patience.

ME: Don't you guys have to take a class to be an election judge? You tell me what form I need.

Flustered, she produces a paper and starts filling it out asking my name and address. About halfway through it, I see the top of the paper states that it is for people who have moved in the last 30 days. She was not happy when I pointed out that it was not the correct form.

They start shuffling more people past me and I speak up demanding that one of the judges help me and stay with me until I am taken care of. I wasn't asking for special treatment, I just wanted them to stop pushing me to the side unnecessarily extending my wait time. An elderly woman who had been sitting in the back of the room was assigned to assist me. She found the proper form fairly quickly, but seemed to be baffled as to how to fill it out. I told her I was more than happy to fill it out for myself, but she advised it had to be done by an appointed election judge.

I had to locate the address line for her and it still took about 5 minutes of me repeating my address for her over and over for her to get it down on paper. We spent over 10 minutes on that form and all that was needed was my name, address, and a signature. Despite me locating the signature line, she wouldn't let me sign it until she looked at it, but couldn't locate it even when I showed her. I eventually just took it and signed it. I was then handed a FEDERAL ONLY ballot.

I informed them that the circuit clerk advised me I could vote a full ballot. They said it was not possible. I reminded them again that they could call in if they had any questions. After an hour and 20 minutes, I had just reached the point where I was starting to raise my voice. I didn't want to. It was happening against my will. This was ridiculous.

When they insisted again that I could only vote federal, I strained to keep the words in my mouth. I pulled out my phone dialed the circuit clerk and handed the phone to the judge. Within seconds, she learned that I was telling the truth and gave me the correct ballot.

As I started toward the voting booth, one of the judges directed me toward the line for the booth. I shot her my best dirty look and growled, "You have got to be kidding. I have been here an hour longer than anyone else in this building." I shrugged her off and ducked into the nearest booth. Five minutes later I was driving back home grateful* that I got to be a part of the political process.

*Hopefully, the sarcasm is noticed and appreciated.

---

Sunday, I posted a picture and asked for my readers to suggest captions for it. Here are the responses in no particular order.

After a grueling thirteen hour procedure,
the surgical team finally removed from Mr. Johnson's intestines
a lifetime of swallowed bubble gum.

Red of Doesn't Speak Klingon - Blue Man Group had a few wild nights with Red Woman Group, and the result was a bunch of magenta performance-artist kids.

Youngman Brown -  What your rubber band ball looks like when you are on acid.

Ken Degner of Ken-inatractor - Despite all her efforts to show her friends a good time, it turns out Hanna didn't quite think her plan for the bubblegum slumber party all the way through to the end.

Rachel of When A Lion Sleeps, Let It Sleep -  I knew we should have planned our Halloween costumes instead of keeping them secret!

Marianne of We Band of Mothers - Debbie Allen, banned from the Oscars, seeks validation from new interpretive dance, "Gum on Shoe."

Heather of Creative Devolution - ...but the groomsmen refused the unitards and as a result the wedding party was off balace visually. Talk about Death of a Vision.

Neal of Raised By My Daughter - Help, please. Every time we move, the cords get a little bit tighter.

Voix of Vois de Michèle - Spandau Ballet reunion tour coming soon!

Mrs. Luttrell of The Coffee Blogs - Don't mess with the pink ninjas...we WILL CUT YOU!

Jamie Miles -  All I can think of is the inside of a stomach on some strange Pepto Bismol commerical.

Tomekha of Inside Out -  Pink Panther gymnastics

Angela Ryan of Not Appropriate for All Audiences - Bubble Gum Ballet

Full Circle

Just a few years after high school, a friend of mine suffered through his parents getting a divorce. It was really rough and he became estranged from his father for a while. His dad had made some mistakes and in the middle of this conflict Phillip had said some things he regretted, but neither was stepping up to repair the rift between them.

In the midst of all this, Phillip poured his time and energy into hanging out with his friends. He was part of the same group of guys that I hung out with. Phillip was constantly coming up with activities for us to go do. Just hanging out in someone's garage was not good enough for him anymore.

There was a movie out that Phillip wanted to see and convinced us all to go see it with him. Altogether, there were 8 of us and I thought this might be a good opportunity to ask out a girl (I'll call her Sarah) I had had my eyes on for the last few weeks. I guessed a group setting might be more comfortable for her and would make her more likely to say yes.

I guessed correctly and she agreed. Plus, she must have been thinking the same as me. The night before we were all supposed to meet, Sarah decided to bring along her 12-year-old niece. This would provide another buffer between us. I don't know if this was for her comfort or to prevent anything physical (you know, because I am sooooo smooth), but she wanted to bring her.

With this girl being 12 years old, Sarah needed the permission of the girl's mother. The mother was a little uncomfortable with letting her daughter go with Sarah to meet up with a bunch of guys she didn't know but didn't want to deny her the opportunity to hang out with her aunt. Plus, she knew it was important to Sarah.

The girl's mother asked her boyfriend to accompany them to the movie theater to keep an eye on things. Despite not wanting to hang out with a couple of girls in a movie theater on their way to meet up with some guys, he agrees to do her this favor.

The next day he shows up with the girls and follows them as they meet up with us and is caught off guard when he runs into his son Phillip. As it turns out, Sarah's sister was dating Phillip's father and this series of events put them in the same place.

I don't remember what movie we saw or anything else that happened that day, but I will never forget when their eyes met and they suddenly realized what had happened. Within a few seconds they were both choking back tears and Phillip's dad gave him a big bear hug.

This crazy turn of events was all it took for them to start the reconciliation process and become part of a family again.

Maybe I Should Stick With Books

This is the second part of the post that started yesterday. Click here to get caught up…or don't. This post could probably stand on it's own.

---

After the fiasco at Petco, where I assured them that I would not be locking my new mouse in a sex dungeon wearing a ball gag and attaching tiny nipple clamps, it was time to head to Best Buy to get my Kindle.^*

^* I'll bet you wish you had read the previous post now, don't you?

Like most men, I hate shopping and don't want to spend any more time inside a store than I absolutely have to. I walked into the store at 9:55, five minutes before they were technically open. By ten o' clock, I already had the item in my hand and found the nearest store associate to check me out.

He takes the Kindle and leads me to the back of the store. When we arrive at his station, he starts typing on the keypad of his computer. After a few minutes, he lets out an exasperated sigh, hangs his head for a moment and starts furiously pounding away again. This goes on for several minutes with him making the occasional grunt of disgust.

He finally looks up at me and apologizes, "I am so sorry. I have been gone a week for training and they made me change my password right before I left. I can't remember it."

He then walks off. I look at my phone and discover that it is 10:12. I had been standing there for close to fifteen minutes and that entire time he was only trying to log into his computer!

At 10:20, I am still standing there wondering where he has gone. I thought he was just going to get help and come right back. I step around the counter to retrieve the box so I can just take it to the front of the store to check out. Once behind the counter, he shows up with another store associate.

He apologizes again and the other associate logs him on before running off to assist another customer. He starts ringing me up and asks if I am part of their rewards program. When I advise him that I am not, he tells me of a few of the perks and assures me that it is free to join. I like free stuff so I agree.

He starts digging through the papers to the side of the computer and mutters, "They must have moved them." He immediately runs off to retrieve the required papers for the rewards program.

It is now 10:27, over half an hour since I entered the store. However, since he took the Kindle with him when he wandered off this time, I can't grab it to check out at the front. I scan the store trying to locate him, but can't see him anywhere. I head back over to the electronics section with the intention of grabbing another Kindle so I can take it up front and forget about the first guy. However, there are no more on the shelves.

I would have left, but I really wanted to buy it that day. Reluctantly, I head back to the sales counter to find that he has come back with the rewards paperwork. He apologizes again and hands me a clipboard with paperwork to fill out.

When I ask him what the papers were for, he advised that they were for the rewards program. I give them back and say I am not interested any more and would like to be on my way. He is obviously disgusted with me since he had taken the time to track down the paperwork for me, but is trying not to show it.

When he goes to scan my item, he discovers that the several minutes of inactivity, caused by him looking for the rewards paperwork, has caused his computer to log out again. He still does not know his password, but tries for several minutes before he tells me what is delaying him.

He looks up, apologizes for the fifteenth time since I have met him and darts off to get someone to help him. Not falling for this again, I take off after him and yell for him to stop.

"Give me the Kindle!"

"But you haven't paid for it yet."

"That's what I want to do, but you can't seem to help me with that!"

I remind him that I originally asked him to check me out a few minutes before ten o' clock. I then pulled out my phone to show him that it was now 10:47. He replied, "Give me a few more minutes and I will have you checked out."

Through clenched teeth I warned him that if he did not immediately hand me the Kindle, I would climb up on his checkout counter and start screaming for a manager. He handed it over. He then gave me a card to present to the cashier so he would get credit for the sale.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Well, I am the one who helped you."

I decided to walk away before I said anything further…or punched him in the spleen.

At the front register, I am asked if I want to join the rewards program.

NO

Do you want the extended warranty?

NO

Do you want any extra accessories like a cover or charger?

NO

As she starts to ask me the next question I cut her off and tell her that I have been in this store for over an hour trying to leave. I do not want anything extra. Just ring me up so I can get out of here.

She politely smiled, apologized and said, "I understand. We'll get you right out. Let's start with your last name."

"What? Why?"

"For the purchase. What is your name?"

I informed her of my counter climbing, manager alerting, screaming idea from earlier and told her how close I was to doing it again. Scan the item, swipe my card and let me leave. Why does this have to be so difficult?

Thirty seconds later, I was on my way out the door with my purchase proving that it could be done. I got to the car at 11:04. Since it had only taken me a few minutes to pick up the Kindle in the store, that means it took over an hour for me to check out. I thought technology was supposed to make things more efficient.

Fortune Cookie #1 - Lesson in Patience

Kirsten and I went to eat at our favorite restaurant in town yesterday China Buffet #6. I have no idea why it is number six. I have never seen or heard of China Buffet 1 through 5. Maybe the first five failed and #6 is the first one to succeed. I have no idea, but it is the best Chinese place around. I love Chinese food.

Despite the absence of raw fish,
this is still sushi

Kirsten is not normally available for lunch, but the high school got out early. It was for this same reason there were several teenagers in the restaurant as well. Throughout the meal, I kept laughing at the kids next to us. Kirsten couldn't figure out what I thought was so funny. The table had seven students, including two Asians, who were lecturing the others on how to properly use chopsticks, correcting them about what sushi is (a style of food preparation and NOT raw fish), and explaining the difference between sushi and sashimi.

The entire group was very animated and debated extensively about any topic that was discussed. I was not making fun of them. I found them to be very entertaining and enjoyed listening to their banter, especially when it got ridiculous. My daughter begged, "Dad, don't laugh at them. They can't help it. They're theater kids." Well, that did explain a lot, but they were still fun to watch.

We finish our meal and the fortune cookies arrived with our bill. I crack mine open and read this message.

What?!? No, it doesn't.

For the moment let's ignore the fact that most fortune cookies do not contain fortunes. Lately, they contain little pieces of supposed wisdom or advice. False advertising.

That being said, this 'fortune' is wrong. Patience does not produce immediate results. Certainly not infinite patience. The only reason you would ever need infinite patience is because your results are far from being immediate. If I am getting immediate results, I don't need patience at all.

When I go to the DMV, I know that I will be there for a long period of time. That's why I always bring a good book and a sleeping bag. I am very patient because I know it is to be expected. I don't get upset and I don't complain. However, that attitude does not get me quicker results and it is nowhere near immediate.

Patience has nothing to do with getting results. In fact, sometimes being a little impatient will result in getting your way a little bit faster. It's amazing how many businesses will work faster to get you out of their establishment when you start making a scene because you have been there long enough that your mail is now coming to their waiting room.

Kirsten tells me that I am looking at it the wrong way. The immediate result is not necessarily the completion of the task you are waiting for. "Kirsten, that's stupid." She then tried to re-explain, but the results of her argument were not coming fast enough. My being patient was not helping. Once again, proving my point.  

"Dad, you are just wrong."

"We will see about that."

I got up and (much to my daughter's dismay) had a seat at the table of the theater kids. They halted their enlivened debate and looked at me. One of them with his hands still above his head from the point he was previously making asked, "Can we help you?" I produced the fortune, set it on the table and said, "Someone explain this to me."

One of the Asian girls immediately snatched it up. I was happy about that, since it was her people that wrote it. She proceeded to read it out loud, so they could all think about it. My daughter slid under our table.

She explained that patience will produce the immediate result of inner peace, which leads to less stress and better relations with your fellow man. My daughter yells from under her table, "That's what I said."

"SHUT UP! YOU DID NOT!"

I took the fortune from her and handed it to the guy sitting to her left. She huffed, "Apparently, he wanted a man's perspective." I politely corrected her. "Sorry, no. It's not because he's a man. It's because he's American." I will not be called sexist.

He then said that patience will make your life better.

Well, maybe....eventually.

I told the table they were wrong and needed to stay in school. One of the girls shot back, "Maybe you shouldn't have asked us then." However, one of the guys (the most strangely dressed one), came to my defense and said, "Wait, I see what he's saying. Anticipated results should pertain to the item...OW!!!"

The Asian girl next to him stabbed him in the arm with her chopsticks. The table then erupted into a heated argument about who was right. Four taking the original position and three who sided with me. However, since I was now being ignored and they were busy insulting each others' intelligence, it was time for us to leave.

I love that restaurant.

Wrong again! These numbers did not win.

Today's Secret Word is ... WAR!!!

I have learned something about myself. I am going to do what I want, pretty much when I want to do it. Last August (click here), I committed to posting a blog a week and a couple of weeks later (click here) I up it to two posts per week. If you follow my blog regularly, then you know that I have only posted twice since September. That is one post per month for the last two months.

I could tell you how busy I have been working two jobs, being a graduate student, trying to get a new business off the ground and being a single father of a teenage girl, but I don't like to make excuses. I have actually done a lot of writing lately, but it has been for college papers and is not something most of you would want to read. When I have free time during the day, I usually find myself at my buddy Adam's house watching him play XBOX 360 and helping him find the shortcuts as he plays Need for Speed, or decoding the ancient vaults in Elder Scrolls: Skyrim. Since Adam is handicapped, he doesn't get out much and he starts making weeping phone calls when he gets bored, so I go to his house at least once every day.

I say all this to simply state, it doesn't matter what I promise in this blog, I will probably end up doing what I want. With that stated, here is something I promise to do (but don't take it too seriously). In August, I asked my readers to suggest future blog topics. I received several suggestions and do intend to cover them all. You can read the suggestions by clicking here and scrolling down to the comment section. My brother suggested that I write about who would win in a fight between Mr. Rogers and Pee Wee Herman. I will be tackling this topic today. I was excited to start researching this since they each had illustrious careers as military snipers before going into show business.

 Years ago, a girl told me that the reason Mr. Rogers wore those sweaters all time was to cover the tattoos on his arms he had acquired during his military service. He was ashamed of the things he had done in Vietnam and the people he had killed during his service and kept them covered. A kid from my church that was enlisting in the Marines wanted to be a sniper. He was told by his recruiter that the top sniper ever to come out of the Marines was the famous Mr. Rogers. The sniper with the third highest marks ever was Paul Ruebens, known to his fans as Pee Wee Herman. It turns out that both of these men were to be feared at one point in their lives, so Kyle had chosen two men who actually knew several ways to kill a man. They were chosen because of their innocent demeanor, but using their pasts could make a great blog. In order to make the best comparison, I researched both their lives to get the best idea of who did what. This would help me determine who would win.

As I began my research, I discovered that many children's television stars had a military background. In fact, many of them were highly decorated and had unusually high numbers of enemy kills. Captain Kangaroo was especially vicious. Don Knotts, best known for playing Deputy Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith Show, was someone not to be messed with in his military days. However, as I dug further, I discovered something else they all had in common. IT WAS ALL LIES!!!

None of these stories are true. In reality, Don Knotts was in the military, but he was not a drill instructor at Parris Island, like the rumors say. At 19, he joined the Army, where his duties consisted primarily of entertaining the troops in traveling GI variety shows called "Stars and Gripes". Rumors that Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan fought beside Lee Marvin in Iwo Jima during World War II are also false. Lee Marvin was there, but Keeshan did not enlist until two weeks after we pulled out of Iwo Jima. He never saw any action. Where do these rumors come from?

Won't you be my neighbor?

Many people may not want to hear that the gentle, soft-spoken Mr. Rogers was exactly what he appeared to be, but he was. Born in 1928, he spent most of his childhood living with his grandparents. He saw television for the first time at his parents' home when he was in college. It left such a negative and lasting impression on him that he became dedicated to changing it. He attended a seminary after college, became an ordained Presbyterian minister and started immediately working in television. Rogers was an advocate for family-friendly programming and even testified before the Senate to try to clean up television. He was also a staunch supporter of the VCR. When most studios were trying to get them outlawed, he testified that many channels showed childrens' programming at times when children were not available to watch it. With the new technology, they could tape it and watch it together as a family at a later time.

The sweaters were intentional, but had nothing to do with covering tattoos. Sweaters and sweater vests were the clothes worn by figures of authority in the seventies. Teachers, ministers and others dressed that way and that was the image he was trying to express. Even though, Mr. Rogers bored me to death even as a child, he was a good man who didn't think like the rest of us and wanted to change the world for the better.

Today's secret word is CREEPY!

Paul Reubens (a.k.a. Pee Wee Herman) left for Hollywood immediately after high school to become a star. Practically living on the streets, he hooked up with a comedy troupe called the 'Groundlings.' In 1977 the group did a skit where they created characters one might see in a comedy club. Reubens character was one that everyone immediately knew would never make it as a comic. He couldn't remember punchlines or get his cues in the right order. Pee Wee Herman was 'born' that night. His distinctive guttural "Ha Ha" followed by a low "Heh Heh Heh" became his catch phrase. As well as, "I know you are, but what am I?" The rest is show biz history. At no point did the military fit in there.

This leaves me with the problem of now having to size these men up and decide who would win in a fight knowing that neither of them has probably ever been in one. Lets start with their physical attributes. I think Rogers has the weight advantage, is taller and has a longer reach. Pee Wee Herman is kind of petite. However, I can picture him being much better at the 'duck and weave.' He may be able to get close, get in a few shots and get back out before the slow-moving Rogers even gets his hands up. However, I think Rogers could take a punch much  better than Pee Wee. If Pee Wee gets tagged it may be over.

Look at all the dead puppet BODIES!!!

Fighting is not just about strength and agility. It also involves attitude and in some cases a little bit of crazy can get you a long way. Mr. Rogers spent half of his time in a Land of Make Believe, a world that didn't exist, but he liked to go to from time to time. For a child, that is having a creative imagination. For a middle aged man, it is disturbing. Rogers' world had a king named Friday, Queen Sara Saturday and a retarded prince named Tuesday. Amidst these puppets whose mouths didn't move was the occasional costumed person named Purple Panda, Bob Dog or Bob Troll. It even had a talking owl, known simply as "X." Was the owl a spy? Why the secret identity? There were lots of creepy little secrets in Rogers' imaginary world. On Purple Panda's planet, the citizens are forbidden to sit in rocking chairs. Prince Tuesday went to school in the Land of Someplace-Else with a neighboring tiger. What kind of kingdom doesn't even have it's own school? Your head is a creepy place, Fred Rogers!

MORPHEUS!!! What are you doing?

Pee Wee Herman lives in a fantasy world as well, but he passes it off as real. In his world, his house is alive, the furniture talks and he can climb into his television to go for an adventure.  Like Rogers, he has many guests to his home, but instead of the mailman or a teacher visiting, he has cowboys, the King of Cartoons and Captain Carl dropping in. The creepy factor of Pee Wee's Playhouse is higher than Mr. Roger's Land of Make Believe. While children might make a wish on a falling star or a four-leafed clover, Pee Wee makes wishes over a head he keeps in a box. Pee Wee has a robot servant named Conky and somehow forced Lawrence Fishburne into a child's cowboy costume. That's the creepiest one yet.

MEKA-LEKA-HI MEKA-HINEY-HO!!!

Mr. Rogers took on a government agency (FCC) almost single-handed and he won. That makes him pretty tough. However, Pee Wee has a criminal record, and based upon the nature of his charges, I would say he is probably better in dark places and at hand-to-hand combat. Rogers' on screen appearances after his show were mostly talk shows, but Pee Wee appeared two years after the cancellation of Playhouse as the vampire Amilyn in Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, he was a super-hero in the movie Mystery Men, and he has appeared on Wrestlemania and WWF Raw.

Look at this guy. Would you want to fight him?

After weighing all the options and looking at the stats, I have to give it to the one who lived on the streets in California, and can make children everywhere scream by only uttering a single word. It's not even the same word each time. He just tells them what will cause them to scream and it does. Pee Wee Herman would mop the floor with Mr. Rogers. It would be no contest.