Yesterday, upon checking my email, I found a rather strange message in my inbox. It took me a moment to figure out what it was.
I have not graduated from Greenville. Thank you for the reminder, past self.
Actually, I have changed my major (and school) since then. Plus, the Greenville program was not designed for a two-year graduation anyway. A fact I did not know at the time.
Pushing the reasoning to the side, it was cool to receive a message from myself sent two years previous. I remember it now. In 2011, I stumbled across a site (FutureMe.org) that allows people to send emails to be sent at some point in the future. Having just gotten my Bachelor's and expecting to have my Master's in another 2 years, I sent a congratulations to myself.
There is a legitimate reason for me not having accomplished this goal, but maybe I could use this site for future shame motivation. Knowing that I will have an encouraging message congratulating me for the epic moments in my life will give me a little extra push to further enjoy the message when it arrives. Or, even better, I could send congratulatory messages to myself about things that are not on track right now. Knowing that the message is coming will be embarrassing if I have not accomplished it by the time it arrives, so I will have the extra motivation to try harder and make it happen.
Examples:
To be received 15 months from today:
Dear Future Brett, Congratulations on graduating Summa Cum Laude from LCU. Your dedication and perseverance paid off.
To be received on August 18, 2017:
Dear Future Brett, Many congratulations on being hired into the TESOL program at the University of Maui. With your credentials and talent, there was no reason you should have doubted yourself.
To be received on December 3, 2017:
Dear Future Brett, Wow!!! You were promoted to the head of the linguistic department in less than one semester after being hired. Congratulations on having your skills recognized so quickly.
To be received on February 19, 2021:
Dear Future Dr. Minor, Good luck at the U.N. Cultural Relations division. They knew what they were doing when they hired you. After establishing peace in the Middle East during your Israeli/Pacific Islands language professor exchange, you were the obvious choice.
To be received on October 8, 2024:
Dear Future Intergalactic Peace Director Minor, The entire planet owes you their undying gratitude for talking down the alien invaders last month. You really went above and beyond using your language skills to help settle the grievances against them from the Orion Trade Alliance. Being welcomed back into the Alliance, they now have no need for the resources of our planet. The Nobel Peace Prize was well deserved.
Now that I am sending out these emails to myself, I have no choice but to do two things.
NEVER change my email address.
Avoid any shame by not accomplishing the goals I am being congratulated for.
The entire universe will become a better place because I discovered this website. Be sure to send them a donation.
I am not what you would call a worrier. People have called me other things:
nerd
jerk
a**hole
four eyes
moron
smart a**
lazy
know-it-all
But never a worrier. I tend to not get too worked up about things. Even when everyone else is in panic mode because a buffalo trampled the neighbor's car, I find myself wondering if I still have any pizza in the freezer for tonight…and if buffalo flesh would make good pepperoni.
AMC! This is not a joke!
However, if I ever decided to become someone who does that…and by 'that' I mean panic, not someone who makes pepperoni out of buffalo butt…I figure there actually is plenty to worry about. The unemployment rate is higher than it was during the Great Depression, Burger King has been serving its unsuspecting customers horse meat, Nickelback is about to start touring again, the New Madrid fault line could cause a massive earthquake in the Midwest at anytime, Daryl has left the group to rejoin his loser brother Merle, America-hating North Korea is developing nuclear weapons, every year there is a new supervirus threatening to wipe us out, Breaking Bad is in its last season and our own satellites fall out of the sky.
AND as if all these things here weren't bad enough, now even outer space is trying to kill us. Have you seen this video?
This video says there were no confirmed injuries, but since then about 1,100 have been reported. Then, just a few hours later, a football stadium sized asteroid buzzes by the earth. It came within 17,150 miles. All the space geeks were trying to control their excitement since this was the closest a rock of that size has ever been recorded.
SERIOUSLY!?!
They got that excited about a rock that flew right by us when just 16 hours earlier, we had one that was over 17,000 miles closer. While the one that flew by couldn't even be seen by the naked eye. The one in in Chelyabinsk, Russia couldn't be missed. It shattered windows, caused structural damage, injured over a thousand people and left a crater.
On top of that, the scientists say these two events are unrelated. UNRELATED!!!
Consider this scenario: If you live within a mile of a large zoo and one day you come home from work to find an Asian elephant giving birth in your swimming pool while a kangaroo is molesting your birdbath, are you going to assume someone's pets got out of their cage and jumped your fence or there must be a circus in town missing an opening act?
No! Your first thought is going to be the zoo…and you would be right.
We have a huge rock hurtle by our planet closer than most of the orbiting satellites we put in space. That never happens. Like never. Less than 24 hours before that event, a rock falls out of the sky and sucker punches Russia. How often does that happen? Almost never. These two events happen within a day of each other and they are unrelated. I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.
I'm just waiting for aliens to come crawling out of that crater in Russia, give the all clear and then the 'rock' that sailed by will return and actually come down this time, buy up all the Iraqi currency and disappear again until it has risen in value to equal the Kuwaiti dinar and then retire in Florida as multi-gajillionaires. The massive stacks of funds they bring into the area combined with their delicate digestive system will cause Jamba Juice stock to skyrocket. However, due to their implorable table manners and noxious body odor, human retirees will relocate to New Orleans causing it to become the osteoporosis and Viagra capital of the United States. Jazz dies out and the Saints relocate to Omaha, Nebraska.
Having nothing to do in Nebraska but eat corn and concentrate on their games, the team wins the next five consecutive Super Bowls. Other teams take notice of this winning strategy and begin to relocate to cities with less amenities. The Chicago Bears move and become the Boise Spuds. The Philadelphia Eagles cross the country to Walla Walla, Washington and the Patriots renounce their citizenship, move to Canada and become champion Olympic curlers.
Their subsequent gold medal causes curling to become the national past time and ESPN jumps on the bandwagon and only televises similar sports. Twenty-four hours a day of curling, shuffleboard, and bridge tournaments. The alien retirees, no longer intimidated by the slow and quiet lifestyle that has spread through the country begin to spread to other states opening Jamba Juice franchises in every major city.
The overabundance of juice being made creates a fruit shortage and the entire country gets scurvy due to a lack of vitamin C. The scurvy-driven joint stiffness causes our world class curlers to lose the Olympic gold medal to the Russians whose team training has been financed by the wealthy aliens now residing in our borders and destroying our society from within.
Now, too weak for us to do anything about it, the Russians admit that they invited the aliens here and this was part of their master plan all along. They become the world superpower and the United States sinks to the rating of a fifth world country (two spots below third world status) and the aliens move to China leaving empty Jamba Juices all over the country going bankrupt. We later turn them into museums and memorial centers, but they are only visited by hobos looking for a place to stay for the night.
Folks, these flying space rocks will be the downfall of our entire society, unless we pass and enforce stricter immigration laws to keep those aliens out.
