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| Sorry, Pop-Pop. We ran out of frozen peas. |
1. The Chatsworth Catastrophe: Nine Popsicles and a TV Repairman
Back in the groovy 1970s, a guy named Robert Nelson, whose qualifications included not being a scientist, decided to start freezing dead people. He stuffed nine corpses into a crypt in Chatsworth, California and left them there like unlabeled leftovers. Then the money ran out. The liquid nitrogen ran out. And, shocker, the bodies also ran out... of structural integrity.
When the vault was opened years later, what they found wasn't the future of immortality. It was The Walking Dead: Crock-Pot Edition. Maggot buffet. Meltdown city. If you’ve ever left a bag of shrimp in your trunk for a week, you’re halfway to understanding the smell.
And yes, he got sued. And yes, he lost. And no, he never paid a dime. But hey, the dream lives on. Just not the people.
👉 Read it and weep
2. The Frozen Head Homicide: Dora Kent and the Great Coroner Showdown
In 1987, sweet little Dora Kent was on her way out. So naturally, the folks at Alcor did the logical thing, waited until she died and then chopped off her head. Except the coroner smelled something fishy. (And it wasn’t just the head in a bucket.) Toxicology reports showed sedatives in her system. The coroner accused Alcor of euthanizing her early to get that brain nice and fresh.
A SWAT-style raid ensued. They tried to seize her head for autopsy. Alcor responded by hiding it like it was the Hope Diamond. You know it’s bad when a legal document has to use the phrase “custody of the cranium.”
Eventually, charges were dropped. Mostly because the prosecution realized that thawing the head would technically kill her again, and that’s just bad optics.
3. Ted Williams: Baseball Legend, Freezer Burn Casualty
You’d think if anyone could get the deluxe treatment, it’d be the Boston Red Sox Ted Freakin’ Williams. Instead, Alcor popped his head off like a bottle cap and dropped it in a lobster pot. (Yes, really.) According to a whistleblower, his brain cracked like a sidewalk in winter, and an employee took batting practice on his head with a monkey wrench. Just to lighten the mood.
His family fought over whether he wanted this in the first place. His son said yes. His daughter said no. Alcor said “We already put the head in storage, sooooo…”
Whether you loved him for his batting average or just really enjoy sports-themed decapitations, the story will stick with you. Especially the part about brain fractures.
👉 See the horror
4. Mary Robbins: Granny’s Head vs. Her Kids
Mary Robbins signed up to have her head frozen, which already makes family holidays weird. But after she died, her kids said she changed her mind. Alcor said, “Yeah, no. Signed contract.” They showed up to the funeral parlor to collect her noggin while the family screamed bloody murder.
A judge agreed with Alcor. Her head went off to join the frozen gang, leaving behind a family that now has to argue over who gets to put flowers on the neckless gravestone.
👉 Legal tug-of-war over a frozen granny head
5. Whileon Chay: The Ponzi Scheme That Froze His Wife
Whileon Chay didn’t just commit financial fraud. He committed romantic financial fraud. He stole $5 million from investors and used part of it to cryogenically preserve his dead wife. Because nothing says eternal love like felony embezzlement.
He fled the country when the feds closed in. His wife is still on ice, paid for by duped retirees who thought they were investing in gold. Turns out the only thing gold-plated was the tank holding Mrs. Chay’s brain.
👉 Money well stolen
6. Dr. Laurence Pilgeram: Don’t Lose Your Head Over Legal Loopholes
Dr. Pilgeram paid for whole-body cryonics. He wanted to wake up someday with all his limbs, presumably to flip the bird at mortality. But when he died and his body was found too late, Alcor went for Plan B: remove the head, cremate the body, and mail the ashes to his son.
His son sued. Hard. Claimed Alcor violated the contract and decapitated Daddy against his wishes. He wanted the head back. Alcor said nope. The head is ours now.
Imagine this: You open a box expecting flowers and find your dad’s torso in dust form. If that’s not grounds for therapy, I don’t know what is.
👉 Dad’s head, mailed ashes, and a lawsuit
7. JS: The Teenager Who Froze Her Way Into the Law Books
At 14, JS was dying of cancer and wanted to be cryopreserved. Her dad said no. The court said “Shut up, Dad” and gave full control to the mother. The father was worried he’d be stuck footing the bill, but the judge clarified that he wouldn’t be charged for the braincicle. Nice gesture.
The grandparents scraped together the cash, and now JS is chilling in Michigan. Somewhere, there’s a teenager’s head in a vat of nitrogen waiting for someone to invent time-travel medicine. And yes, a judge actually ruled this was fine.
👉 Frozen teen breaks legal ice
8. Russia’s Frozen Body Heist: Cryo-Gone-Spy
In the most metal breakup ever, Russian cryonics founders Danila Medvedev and Valeriya Udalova got divorced and turned the fallout into a frozen corpse custody war. Udalova showed up at the facility with bolt cutters and a U-Haul, stole several frozen bodies and brains, and spilled liquid nitrogen all over the parking lot like it was a Mario Kart power-up.
Police stopped her truck. Dewars clanking. Brains jostling. And they still had to argue in court over who legally owns the dead. Because apparently you can fight over your ex’s brain hoard.
👉 Seriously, Russia?
So yeah. Cryonics. Not just a science fiction fantasy. It’s also a deeply disturbing, legally complicated, sometimes criminal, occasionally headless mess of a hope.
Still want to freeze your grandma? Make sure her head’s got TSA clearance and no one in the family has a wrench.
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Please do not ever do this to me. I *will* come back and haunt you, headless or not.
ReplyDeleteNot a problem. I would default on the payments the second month.
DeleteYikes. All I can think about is the TV show (Amazing Stories? Twilight Zone? One of those) where a guy was woken from cryogenic sleep because the people needed his expertise for something. The other bodies? Yeah, they just left them even though they had the technology to revive them. They chose not to.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds vaguely familiar. If it aired in the 80's, denfinitely would have seen it.
Delete