Hermione Granger Is Actually Matilda Wormwood and I Will Die on This Hill

Look, I’m not saying that J.K. Rowling and Roald Dahl conspired together in a secret underground British author bunker to craft the ultimate magical girl origin story, but... I’m also not not saying that.

Because once you actually look at the evidence...and I mean really look at it, like a conspiracy theorist squinting at red string on a corkboard while chugging a Capri Sun, the only logical conclusion is that Matilda Wormwood didn’t fade quietly into bookish obscurity. She just packed up her psychic lunchbox and became Hermione Granger.

Yes. That Hermione. Hogwarts Hermione. Time-Turner Hermione. “It’s Levi-O-sa, not Levio-SA” Hermione. Same person. Different haircut.

 

Exhibit A: Magic? Check. Childhood trauma? Double check.

Matilda Wormwood, a child so gifted she was basically born clutching a copy of War and Peace, develops the ability to move objects with her mind by age six. By the time she’s seven, she’s writing full sentences on chalkboards with telekinesis and orchestrating revenge like a tiny magical Batman.

Hermione Granger shows up to Hogwarts already knowing a whole semester’s worth of spells and has probably corrected every adult she’s ever met, including her pediatrician.

Two girls. Both British. Both absurdly gifted. Both treat books like oxygen. The only real difference is that Matilda used her powers to chuck chalk at tyrants, and Hermione used hers to roast Ron Weasley into a puddle of emotional jelly.

Exhibit B: Name changes and witness protection for child prodigies

At the end of Matilda, her parents (the Wormwoods, also known as the Discount Dursleys) flee the country like low-budget Bond villains, leaving Matilda to be adopted by Miss Honey, the only adult in the story with a functioning moral compass.

So what does Matilda do? Like any traumatized genius child, she reinvents herself. New name? Hermione Jean Honey. Sounds fancy. Later, when Miss Honey marries a dentist named Mr. Granger (yes, I'm inventing that part, but it tracks), Matilda takes on the last name Granger.

That’s right: Hermione isn’t Muggle-born. She’s trauma-born.

Exhibit C: The Squibspiracy

In Half-Blood Prince, Slughorn asks Hermione if she’s related to Hector Dagworth-Granger, founder of the Most Extraordinary Society of Potioneers (which sounds like the magical version of a wine club that takes itself very seriously). Hermione, ever the rule-follower, says no, because she’s Muggle-born.

WRONG.

She thinks she’s Muggle-born, but really, she’s descended from a long line of squibs. Those magical folks who can see all the cool wizard stuff but can’t do any of it, like tourists in Diagon Alley with no spending money.

Her birth parents? Classic squib energy. No magic, loads of denial. Probably repressed their family history so deep it’s buried under a pile of old mail and expired Wal-Mart coupons. Her Wormwood parents (those Discount Dursleys) were probably not even aware of their witchcraft background. Plus, they never confided anything of importance to her anyway. She really knew nothing about her genealogy. Matilda’s powers were the magical gene finally punching through the generational concrete like a tulip growing out of a manhole cover.

Exhibit D: Diagon Alley and How to Take Your Muggle for a Walk

You might be wondering: If Miss Honey was a Muggle, how did she take Hermione to Diagon Alley? Muggles can't get in.

Easy. Hogwarts has a Muggle escort protocol. It’s like Uber, but with more robes and less tipping. Professor McGonagall shows up, nods politely, and whisks the guardians and child through the Leaky Cauldron like it’s a field trip. Miss Honey doesn’t panic because she’s already seen Matilda turn a classroom into Carrie with better lighting.

This is canon now.

Exhibit E: Why Hermione Hates Divination (and Probably Dreamcatchers)

Remember how Hermione absolutely loathes Divination and storms out of Trelawney’s class like someone just insulted her Dewey Decimal System?

It’s not just because Divination is the magical equivalent of astrology filtered through a lava lamp. It’s because Hermione has trauma. Matilda grew up in a home where affection was rarer than a unicorn at a meat market. She survived Miss Trunchbull. She lived through the kind of childhood that turns therapists into millionaires.

So no, she doesn’t want to “unpack her dreams.” Her dreams probably involve flying blackboards and being called a “nasty little worm” by a linebacker in a girdle. Of course she prefers Arithmancy. Numbers don’t yell at you.

In Conclusion: Matilda Grew Up, Got a Wand, and No One Noticed

The math adds up. The metaphors are on fire. And the theory? Bulletproof.

Matilda Wormwood is Hermione Granger. She went from levitating chalk to leading Dumbledore’s Army. From toppling Trunchbull to time-traveling like it’s a group project.

If you still think they’re two different people, I’d like to see your Hogwarts letter. Or your therapist. Possibly both.

Want to argue with me? Fine. But remember: I have a bookshelf and a meme folder, and I’m not afraid to use either.

Accio truth bomb.