I Need More Hours in the Day

I had a leisurely day planned for today. Physical therapy at 9 a.m. and a graduation to attend tonight at 6. I wanted to mow my yard, do a little house cleaning, some reading and maybe hit the gym. However, it did not turn out that way. I got done with therapy at ten and called Adam to see if he wants to go to the gym with me. He informs me that we just got hired to do a show at a local school that starts at noon. It was the last day of school and after the awards ceremony the school wanted to throw a party for the kids.

I flew home to get changed and we headed out to get the equipment. We get to the school and set up. They had a bouncy house, a jousting ring and obstacle course for the kids. The students ate outside, ran around like mad, danced to our music and requested a bunch of songs that we could never play at a school function.

At this event, I was told of an open house that afternoon at the homeless shelter I have been working with for the last year. After breaking down, I had time to go home, get showered from sweating outside all afternoon and go pick up my daughter before heading back to pick up Adam and go to the shelter.

After shaking a few hands and eating a few brats, we took Adam home to get to the school for the six o' clock graduation. On the drive over, I was explaining to Kirsten how the day had not gone as I had planned and I was looking forward to this graduation being over and getting back home. I was worn out.

The great thing about this graduation was that it was at a small private school. Very small. The high school graduating class consisted of two boys. Between handing out the diplomas, a commencement speech and a little Pomp & Circumstance, we should be back home by 6:30. My unexpected long day was moments away from being over.

When we got there, I noticed that there were an awful lot of people there to watch two kids graduate. I soon learned that there were four graduates, not two. Another kid who had completed the off-campus studies program and would be crossing the stage with these kids he had never met and a 75 year old man who had never graduated high school and started taking classes to get his long awaited diploma. That was actually pretty cool. However, it still seemed like a lot of people for only four graduates.

We took a seat next to a couple that we knew but hadn't really seen in a few years. They had a daughter who was about to turn three and I had never met. She was immediately taken with Kirsten and wanted to sit by us and talk.

Two minutes after meeting me,
she is telling me her life story.

A lot.

She talked and squirmed and crawled under the seats and tried to lick her finger to stick it in Kirsten's ear. Her dad said that at home she has her own version of the Wet Willy. It's called the Butt Willy. I'll leave you to figure out how that works for yourself.

Once the ceremony started, her dad made her sit in his lap. He said it was because he didn't want her to be a nuisance, but I couldn't help but notice it was right after I asked her if she would get in my car if I gave her some candy. For the next few minutes she kept asking me when we could go get the candy.

The principal stepped up to the mike to welcome everyone, said a quick prayer and stated that he would announce the graduates. I checked my clock: 6:07. We would be out of there in no time. After announcing the first name, a 4 foot person approaches the stage.

THIS WAS A KINDERGARTEN STUDENT!!!

Apparently, due to the size of the school, they do all the graduations at once. This would take a little longer than I thought. They gave the precious child her diploma and then had several children come to the stage to sing a song. A very loooong and slow song. When it was over, they moved to the 8th grade graduates. There were three in this class. They walked the stage fairly quickly and then brought up the singer to commemorate their achievement.

Here is one of the things about small schools...or any small organization. There is not a large talent pool to pull from. I know that not everyone is good at everything, but when you have 1,200 people to choose from, at least a few will be exceptional at any given talent. When you only have abut 20 people to choose from, you may end up with this:

I understand that she should be commended for having the courage to get up in front of everyone and sing, but courage will only impress people to a degree. Since this song was rather long and I was slowly coming to the realization that I was not getting out of here any time soon, I needed something to entertain myself.

Looking for something to do, I noticed the little girl from earlier staring at me. Every move I made caused her eyes to follow me. So, I turned off the flash to my camera and decided to have some fun.

I stuck out my tongue. She quickly followed suit.


I sucked in my lips and she did the same.


I pushed my nose up like a pig and she pushed hers up as well.

I crossed my eyes and she did this.


We had great fun for several minutes until something she did caused me to laugh.

She did not appreciate it and screamed at me.


I was able to escape her father's detection and played dumb.

That outburst caused her to have to go sit with Grandma.

With my entertainment gone, my attention was shifted back to the stage. The graduating seniors were brought to the stage and given their diplomas. The senior citizen and off-campus student were both recognized and the on campus graduates each addressed the crowd. No mention was made of valedictorian or salutatorian, but when there are only two people, does it really matter?

After their speeches, we were treated to a slide show set to music that chronicled every picture that had ever been taken of each of these boys.

Being a Christian school, it was followed up with a sermon and then finally concluded. This ceremony for one kindergartner, three 8th graders and four seniors (total of 8 people) had taken one hour and 37 minutes. I promptly told Kirsten to say her goodbyes and head to the car.

The principal jumped on stage for a last announcement.

"The families of the graduating seniors have prepared a meal and you are all invited to stay and eat."

Well, that changed everything. The main reason I wanted out of there so fast was to get some food. We fought the crowd to get to the tables in the back. Once sitting, the allure of food and good conversation distracted me. When I rose to leave, over two more hours had passed.

I never did make it to the gym.

Turf Wars with Bieber Fans

No need to comment
on my white legs.

As I mentioned on Monday, summer is here and I could not be more excited. One of the many activities I have planned for the summer is participating in our church softball league. I know that I have bemoaned my disdain for sports, but I really enjoy this. It not so much about any love for the game. It's a physical activity (which I need) that allows me to hang out with the guys. I haven't played for the last couple of years due to my job and being out of the area for a while, but couldn't wait to join this year. Our first game is next week.

The girl in the center was their power hitter.

We had our second practice on Monday night and I was the first to show up at the field. As I got closer, I began to notice that the people already on the field appeared to just be getting started. It looked like a 10 year old girls' softball team. There were also many parents and a few coaches present with more people showing up as I approached.

This field is behind a public park and can be used by anyone at any time, but I was under the impression that we had reserved the field for our use. Had the park double booked the field? I approached the coach to see what was going on.

She said they had practice on the field from 6 to 7:30. I commented that the park office must have double-booked the field and she quickly apologized. Apparently, they had practiced there the entire summer before and had never had a conflict despite never officially reserving the field. Not being the guy in charge of our team and not wanting to run off a bunch of little girls, I opted to wait for the rest of the team to show up so we could decide what to do.

My first thought

As the guys started to arrive, we spoke with the other coach and she challenged us to a game. She said it would give the girls a bit of a challenge before their first game, we could get our practice and maybe we could help the girls in learning how to field the ball.

We quickly decided that we didn't want our church to be known as the one that broke a child's face with a hard line drive and agreed to practice in the outfield. A similar situation happened a few years ago with an adult women's' team. It ended with our pastor breaking the wrist of their third baseman when she misjudged the ball he hit.

Occasionally, their ball would fly into our area, but we were more worried about our ball taking out one of them. There was one close call, but it all worked out without injury.

I don't know why he was so mad at me.
It was his daughter that couldn't catch a ball.

Realizing this could be a good post for my blog, I instructed Kirsten to get a picture of the girls practicing. She objected because she thought it would be creepy to go take pictures of kids. I explained that I wanted this shot and it would be much less creepy for her, a 16 year old girl, to get the shot than me, a 40 year old man.  She walked over to their area to get the shot, but never lost her nerve. So, I had to be the creepy old guy with the camera. I don't have the stealthy ninja photography skills of Misty at Misty's Laws, so I just raised my camera and took the pictures. I got the shots I wanted and was only cursed at by two sets of parents.

In the end, we all got to practice and they are now educated on how to properly reserve the field for their future practices. Everyone was happy and we didn't have to be shamed by getting beaten by a bunch of little girls. Or shamed because we were the mean old men that beat a bunch of little girls. I believe our forfeit to the outfield was the only winnable option.

I'm Free

Less than 2 hours ago, I finished my last assignment for the semester. I now have one more semester behind me. I am not taking any summer classes this year, so I AM FREE for the next couple of months.

Because this was my last week of class, I did not make any trips out of town to see Red. As enamored (my daughter's word of choice) as I may be, I did have work I needed to get done. However, now that I am done, first things first. I will be seeing Red tomorrow.

I have many plans for the summer. A year ago, I wrote a post about this same topic. Their are some major differences between last year's post and this one. Last year, I had just completed my last assignment for my entire Bachelor's degree. YAY! This year, I have completed my first year of my Master's.

Last year, I had no idea what I wanted to do once I found myself with all this free time. This year, I don't have that problem. I am looking forward to being able to read books that I want to read. I have lots of travel planned for the summer including time on both the East Coast and West Coast. I have someone that I want to go spend time with. I joined a softball team and I plan to print out my Bucket List from last August to mark off as many as possible before I get busy with school again in the fall.

Kirsten's last day of school is Thursday, so she is busy making her summer plans as well. In June, she is headed to Arecibo, Puerto Rico for a mission trip and will probably spend the rest of the summer working at a summer camp. She has gone there every year for the last three years (since she was 12) to work in the kitchen. It's hard work with 14 hour days, but she loves doing it.

I hope to bring the funny back tomorrow, but wanted to briefly celebrate my new and much anticipated freedom.

What big plans do all of you have for the summer?

Mother's Day

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day and were able to show your mother how much you appreciate her.  My mother is on a trip to see her mother, so I called her this morning to wish her a Happy Mother's Day.

Knowing that I had no Mother's Day plans after church, I grabbed some of the kids running around and asked about their plans for day today.

My daughter is the one that says she will not be doing anything with her mother today. She did spend time with her mom. I guess she just didn't know she would at the time.

 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

90%

 

100th Post - Send Me a Present

This post marks a milestone in my blogging career. Can you call it a career if it doesn't make any money? This is my 100th post. To celebrate, I am posting 100 things about myself that I have never mentioned in my blog before.

1. First thing about myself: In this list of 100 things, every 10th one is a joke (#10, #20, #30, etc.). As in, not true. The rest are true. I had to do this because I could only think of 90 things. You try thinking of 100 new things. It's not easy.
2. I still don't have a smartphone My phone makes phone calls and texts. That's it.
3. I don't trust our government. I am sure there are some good people in politics, but they are overpowered by an evil system.
4. The stories I write in my blog are true. Even the crazy ones.
5. I played the saxophone in high school and placed first in the state.
6. I once played poker with Clint Black.
7. I have swallowed a live goldfish.
8. I like cheese and mayonnaise, but the idea of them touching each other disgusts me. If a sandwich contains both, they must be on opposite sides of the sandwich.
9. My mother tells me that as a child, I called fish zeeps. No one knows why. 
10. I never say I'm sorry because I don't like to lie.
11. When I finally get my teaching degree, I plan to teach high school math on a military base.
12. I once bought a JEEP on eBay and flew to New Jersey to drive it home. I loved that JEEP and I miss it.
13. I know it is a simple dish, but one of my favorite foods is beef & noodles. Love them.



He's even annoying to look at.

14. I find Aziz Ansari extremely irritating. I cringe every time he speaks, but I still think he's funny. It must be a self hate thing.
15. Italian food or not, I am not a fan of Parmesan cheese.
16. I was VP of a motorcycle club and rode a Harley, but never had a motorcycle license.
17. I don't like to use public restrooms. I will almost injure myself to make it home rather than use one.
18. I ate an octopus while it was still alive.
19. Despite my uber-nerd status in high school, I still dated a cheerleader.
20. I wrote a book called How to Pick up Girls.   Page 1 says: "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of people shrugging. 
21. I love math. I got a 107 average in Trigonometry, but I have failed Accounting three times.
22. I chose the name Scout for my future daughter after watching To Kill a Mockingbird in a 7th grade class. Over 10 years later, when she was born, my wife wouldn't go for it and we named her Kirsten. When Kirsten was in the 7th grade they watch the same movie and her classmates said, "Wow! That girl, Scout, looks just like you."
23. I want to learn to play the piano. Not for fame or fortune. Just to be the guy at parties that everyone is standing around and singing.
24. If I won the lottery, I would spend some of the money traveling around the world meeting all my blogging friends.
25. I don't play the lottery.
26. Sometimes I wish I was an anonymous blogger. I have many stories I would like to tell, but can't because people that know me read my blog.
27. I will eat anything. ANYTHING. Well, stuff that's already considered food.
28. My brother Kyle once pushed me off the top of a bridge over some railroad tracks. (Over 30 foot drop)
29. I got mugged in San Juan, Puerto Rico.
30. Before I die, I want to travel to China to get a tattoo of an English word on my arm.
31. I called a U.S. Senator a liar while standing in his office in Washington D.C. That was the end of our meeting.
32. I am nowhere near as cool in real life as I am on the internet.
33. I can juggle.



"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject."
Winston Churchill

34. I am related to Winston Churchill.
35. I got mono in high school from a girl that turned out to be a carrier, but never got sick. I was the second of three guys she gave it to over the course of two years.
36. I have spent the night in a hospital one time. I was 2 years old and had pneumonia.
37. The first time I played golf, I landed on the green with my first stroke on a par 3.
38. As a teenager, I made my little brother Trevor ride home in the trunk after jumping in a pool because I didn't want him to get my seats wet.
39. I saw the original Star Wars at a drive in.
40. I think feminine sanitation jokes are inappropriate. Period.
41. I signed up for the military, but they rejected me.
42. One Thanksgiving, I ate the dog scraps that had been scraped off everyone's plates thinking it was a plate prepared for me.
43. I do not enjoy fishing. It bores me.
44. My kids never believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy.
45. For a short time in my childhood, we had pigs in the basement.
46. I once drug Adam West out of a bar and put him in bed.
47. When I was a kid, we were not allowed to watch Three's Company for obvious reasons, but we watched Benny Hill with our parents every week.
48. My middle name is Marshall. - Brett Marshall Minor
49. My daughter's middle name is Marschel, a variation of my middle name.
50. Sometimes I tell jokes so bad, the crickets don't even chirp.

51. 

    NYUK   NYUK  NYUK!

    My favorite Stooge is Curly.
52. I went to the same school for Kindergarten through high school.
53. No matter how old I get, I want a house with a fireman's pole to slide down.
54. I had a dream that I met Red's parents. We were in someone's back yard and her parents were swimming in a pool. Her dad wouldn't talk to me.
55. I was in the Teamsters union for two years against my will.
56. One of my eyes is near-sighted and the other is far-sighted.
57. Despite having very little athletic abilities, I can switch hit (bat both right or left handed).
58. Every year, a few days  after Halloween, I gather a few of the neighborhood children to help me collect the pumpkins on people's porches. We then drive out to the country to throw them off bridges and watch them get smashed. (We don't throw them onto roads. We find a country bridge high enough that they will break when hitting the ground.)
59. I once got blisters on my lips from eating a Szechuan pepper. I didn't know what it was.
60. I hate racist jokes. I think they're off-color.
61. It is difficult to come up with 100 new things.
62. I am in the process of growing out my hair. I am told by someone daily that I need a haircut.
63. I hate when someone interrupts me. I usually respond by starting over when it is my turn to speak again.
64. I have never been to Disneyland or Disney World.
65. I am currently in graduate school and have a 4.0 average. YAY!!!
66. I put peanut butter and Nutella on my waffles.
67. I was once on TV with President Jimmy Carter. They were actually filming him. I had no idea he was there.
68. I have the power to infuriate anyone within 3 minutes of meeting me.
69. The best part of a loaf of bread is the heel.
70. I spent six months trying to figure out how to grow marijuana in Farmville and sell it in Mafia Wars.
71. It is almost impossible to embarrass me. My mother says it is because I have no shame.



EMO PHILIPS

72. I love the stand up comedy of Emo Philips. "At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote." - Emo Philips
73. My brother Kyle and I once stripped our youngest brother Trevor naked and tied him to a tree in the front yard. Not a single passing car stopped to help him.
74. When my son Christian was 7 years old, during hailstorms we would run out into the storm to see who could withstand it the longest before running for shelter.
75. During late night PBS fundraisers, I like to call the number so I can hear the phone ringing on the TV. I then laugh saying, "That's me." I hang up before anyone answers.
76. A local radio station used to have a movie trivia question every day at lunch time. I would call right before they asked the question, so the phone would already be ringing when they finished. This ensured I would be the first caller. I won every day for over three weeks. Then they banned me from the contest.
77. I have a pot in my kitchen that is only to be used for making tea. If anything else gets made in it, my tea doesn't taste right.
78. I was state certified to sell real estate insurance, but never sold a single policy.
79. My grandmother made the best grape jelly in the world. This is not up for discussion.
80. When children shy away, I say, "I don't bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life's not easy.
81. My father likes to fish because it is so relaxing. Yet, it was while doing this relaxing activity that he had a heart attack.
82. Last year, I got out my coats for the winter. When I put one on for the first cold day, I found $500 cash in the pocket. I don't remember putting it in there and think I would remember misplacing 500 bucks.
83. I had a Neopets account until a year ago.
84. I have zero fashion sense. Ask anyone.
85. I was incredibly shy and socially awkward until I was about 15 years old. Something changed almost overnight. I can't explain it.
86. When I moved here, I was excited to get cable again after being without it for several years. I now have it and never watch it.
87. I was once hired at minimum wage to train my boss who made over 5 times what I did. As soon as she felt she had learned enough, she fired me and hired her fiance. I don't use her for a reference.
88. When I worked at the Sheriff's office, I took a 911 call from a woman who complained there were two dogs in the street having a "verbal argument." We didn't respond.
89. I have had more trouble finding a job after I got my degree than I ever did before. Once I get my Master's, I may be forever unemployed.
90. I once saw a wino eating grapes and I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
91. My dad used to set mousetraps and then call us into the room so he could throw them at our feet. I grew up and had great fun doing it to my kids. I now understand why he did it.



BUD            WEIS           ERRR

92. I miss the Budweiser frogs.
93. I grew up in a town so small the post office and local bar were the same place. The next town over had a funeral home/hardware store.
94. Everyone has little things that irritate them, but if I am eating with someone who bites down on their fork and then pulls it out through their teeth, I have to say something. That sound rapes my brain.
95. In kindergarten, I had a girlfriend named Crista. She called me when we were in the 7th grade to break up so she could be another guy's girlfriend. I had no idea we had been a couple for the last seven years.
96. When Aerosmith's song Dude Looks Like a Lady first started playing on the radio, I thought they were saying, "Do the Naked Lady." I figured it was some new dance move I wasn't cool enough to know about.
97. My friends and I would place bets on who would win the Bud Bowl every year during the Super Bowl.
98. I have spent over two weeks compiling this list.
99. I love watermelon, but hate watermelon flavored anything. What moron decided that tastes like watermelon?
100. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Stuntman Training #3 - Creative Uses for Living Room Furniture

I mentioned briefly in previous posts that I used to work with a Halloween Haunted Hayride. So many great (or terrible, depends on how you look at it) things happened during these hayrides that I will never run out of posts to write concerning them. Before I tell this story, let me explain how this hayride works.

Let me 'splain.
No, there is too much.
Let me sum up.

Every year, the local Jaycees host a Haunted Hayride for the public. It is a huge money maker for the yearly Jaycees budget. They pull hay wagons through the woods and actors are set up in various scenes throughout the trail to scare the people who paid money to have their dates jump into their arms or see their children cry. It is great fun. However, the real fun was had by the volunteer actors out in the woods.

The Jaycees organize this event by getting local farmers to provide and drive tractors with wagons to pull people. They man a concession stand and sell tickets. They have guys working security to make sure no one wanders into the woods during this time and they have people monitoring the crowd. These tasks use up all of their manpower, so the scary scenes in the woods are provided by locals who volunteer to participate. About 150 people are in the various scenes scattered throughout the trail.

The locals volunteering to build and maintain a scene are not caring benefactors wanting to give back to the community. They are almost always local 15 to 25 year olds who see this as an opportunity to hang out in the woods dressed in crazy costumes, drink insane amounts of alcohol and act like idiots.

The volunteers are assigned their area and given access to it a week before the hayride. That time is used to build their scene, dig fire pits or do whatever needs to be done to have it completed before the following weekend. I have had a scene with my brothers or friends four different years. It was during one of these weekends that I wrote about setting my brother on fire for the amazement of the customers. However, this story does not involve me.

This was just too much fun.

My youngest brother, Trevor, had a scene with his friends on this particular year. After a weekend of debauchery, extreme drunkenness, running naked through the woods and hitting on girls in neighboring scenes, it was now Sunday and time to clean up their area.

After filling in their fire pit, collecting all the empty beer cans and loading everything into their vehicles, they were left with the old couch they had dragged out there. It had worked great for their scene, but no one wanted it now. It was old and moldy, but they couldn't leave it there. However, the vehicles were full, there was no place to put it and no one wanted to come back once they left.

Pay attention, kids!

Still being legally inebriated after the weekend events, they hatched a plan. They strapped a chain around the ends of the couch and decided to drag it out.

Illinois state law prohibits open alcohol containers inside a moving vehicle, so my brother and his friend Chet decided to ride on the couch, which would allow them to continue to drink. We will overlook the fact that they were all underage and the legality of dragging a couch down the road behind a truck. Give them a break, they had been drinking for three whole days.

Maneuvering out of the wooded area proved to be a challenge, but they eventually reached the road. Once on the road, the coach moved rather smoothly. Since the couch was positioned backwards, Trevor and Chet enjoyed the looks they were getting from passing motorists as they continued down the road unaware that the driver was experimenting with how fast the couch could go before there would be a problem.

Trevor first became aware of their high rate of speed when one of the legs came loose as the truck approached 30 mph. Once the leg came off, sparks started flying from the corner. Trevor and Chet turned around to yell to the driver to slow down. He was either unable to hear them or refused to respond, but he continued to accelerate.  They began to yell louder when they saw the railroad tracks quickly approaching.

Most couches are not equipped
with seat belts

Seconds after the truck passed over the tracks, the back of the couch caught the first track. The road had been smooth up to this point, but this small gap caused the couch to flip.

Trevor and Chet were launched into the air as the tumbling couch came apart beneath them. The fold-out bed inside was exposed and Trevor landed on the springs with a shower of sparks. Chet landed on the road and skidded off into a ditch.

Trevor, knowing that he was moving too fast to escape without injury held on to the quickly disintegrating bed frame while blinded by the sparks flying everywhere. This wild ride continued until the drunken driver attempted a sharp curve causing the coach to swing wide, hit the ditch and break loose from the chain. The final resting place was a mess of wires, springs and shredded upholstery with Trevor entangled in it all.

Once the dust cleared and Trevor was removed from the mess, it was discovered that he only had minor scrapes and bruises, but he was pretty shaken up. Once they found Chet, they drank a beer to celebrate what had just been survived.

---

For other failed stuntman stories, check out the following links:
Don't Try This at Home
This Is Why My Body Is Falling Apart Today
Stuntman Training #1
Stuntman Training #2 - Playing with Fire

I Can't Get that TALKING HEADS Song Out of my Head

Saturday morning, I woke up excited to start the day since I knew I was going to be seeing Red again. I know we just saw each other on Wednesday, but we can't help it.

I take my shower and log on to Facebook as I do every morning and start scrolling down the Wall to see what has happened since the last time I was online. Being a Saturday morning, there were several people praising the fact that the weekend was here, a few people announcing their Saturday plans, the usual gripers and the obligatory pictures of someone's kid that no one cares about as much as the parents' think they do. However, the post from my next door neighbor did catch my eye.

Luckily, she stated "(not bretts)" so I knew it wasn't my house. I had heard the horrible storm the night before, but wasn't aware of this. I threw on some clothes and stepped outside.

I soon learned that there had been some excitement on my street throughout the night and I had slept through the entire thing. My neighbors had awoken to someone pounding on their door in the middle of the night. The heat from the fire caused their house to be in danger as well. They got out of the house alright, but their home sustained some damage.

Siding melted and cracked one of the windows

Despite the damage they received, they fared much better than the house on the other side.

The house on the left was significantly closer
and had a family of six inside.

The family got out alright and is now staying in a local hotel courtesy of the Red Cross. They lost all their clothing, most of their appliances and several other things.

The present story is that this fire was the result of a domestic dispute which ended with the boyfriend setting fire to her house to "show her."  I don't really know what happened, so I will not go into further details, but this is the general consensus in the neighborhood.

Well, he showed her. And the two families next door.

There was NO peace in this house that night.

Despite the fact that everyone seems to know that this was arson, there does not appear to be sufficient proof, so it looks like he will get away with it. I still do not know the entire story, but the whole thing disgusts me.

---

Beyond the damage done on my street, people keep asking me how I didn't hear all the commotion going on outside my house. There were fire trucks, police cars and sirens going off. There was an ambulance parked in my driveway. Windows were exploding and the whole street was outside watching.

I keep a fan near where I sleep to drown out noises. I don't want to be woken up by neighborhood kids playing outside my window. It's helpful when my daughter has a sleepover, so I am not kept awake by giggling girls. I've learned that it works a lot better than I ever expected.

At Least We Know I'm Not Pregnant

In the last year, I have suffered through several horrible nights of excruciating pain, been to the emergency room three times, received numerous steroid injections and been X-rayed several times. All of this has been because of my shoulders which occasionally try to kill me in my sleep. I believe there is something living in there that is either trying to eat it's way out or is feeding on my shoulder bones.

I can feel the discomfort growing during the day and as the days go on, I lose more and more mobility until it gets to the point that I cannot make even the slightest movement of a finger without searing pain shooting up and down my body. The animal inside gets angry when I move and starts biting me. As odd as this sounds, I grow accustomed to it and am very careful with the offending arm. I don't move it. I support it with my other hand when I am walking and I gently place it on the desk or table in front of me when I sit. I mess up and get shooting pains every now and then when I move it the wrong way and anger my inner critter, but I figure out how to deal with it.

Unfortunately, once I lay down at night, there is not much I can do. After sleeping about an hour, the blood has had time to relocate to the sore area and the pain is ten times worse making it almost impossible to turn over or even sit up. Either that or the creature eating my shoulder is nocturnal and prefers to feed at night. It is usually at this point that I give up and go to the hospital.

I have written about these visits before and they can be read here:

That Which Doesn't Kill You, Makes You Realize How Old You Are
My Experiment With Steroids
I Want to Donate My Arm to Science
Enough Vicoden and I Will Agree to Anything

This has happened enough times now that the doctors have decided that there must be something more going on than just the occasional bursitis. I told them my angry parasite theory and they don't seem to be interested. They sent me to an orthopedic doctor, who sent me to a physical therapist and ordered a sonogram. I have seen the physical therapist once and will begin treatment next week. I went in for my sonogram yesterday.

It just looks like the ocean. An ocean of BLOOD!

After several minutes of watching them look at pictures of the inside of my shoulder, I was starting to get bored. Every picture looked the same. I had no idea what she was looking for and when I asked, she said, "Anything unusual."

Looking at the monitor, I asked if the cascading blood river was something unusual. She said it was not.

I wasn't satisfied, so I asked her if she had ever found an angry animal gnawing on someone's insides. She stopped her examination and looked at me.

Sonogramoligist Person (SP): "Do you mean, like, a tapeworm?"

ME: "Do tapeworms usually crawl up into people's shoulders?"

SP: "NO!"

ME: "Then why would you suggest that? I mean something like a beaver?"

SP: "What?"

ME: "Or a woodchuck. I don't know. You're the doctor!"

She went back to examining my shoulder and didn't answer my question. Maybe it's something they aren't supposed to talk about. As she moved the magic wand thingy around to the front of my shoulder, she did ask if it hurt when she put pressure there. I assured her that it did. She didn't respond or change anything she was doing. I think she enjoys her job.

After several more minutes of awkward silence, other than her clacking the buttons on the machine, I asked what she was finding. She showed me this picture.

The first curve along the bottom is my shoulder bone. The white line on the top of it is lubricating liquid. The next curve is also bone and above that is muscle tissue.

Since the curvature of the bones appear smooth, there does not appear to be evidence of arthritis, bone spurs or other abnormalities. There even appears to be the right amount of fluid. It looks healthy. I asked, "Did you see any tooth marks? Or did you even look?" She assured me that she saw no teeth marks, but I think she was just avoiding the conversation. She didn't take me seriously and hadn't looked.

She told me to put my shirt back on. Everything looked good and I could go home. She would send my results back to the orthopedic doctor. I hesitated, "Don't I get any pictures?"

SP: "What pictures?"
ME: "My sonogram pictures."
SP: "We don't give those out."
ME: "We both know that's not true. I have seen lots of pictures of sonograms. Some women just carry them around with them."
SP:"That's because it's for their baby."
ME: "So, you admit that you do give them out."
SP: "For pregnancies."
ME: "Do they pay extra for that?"
SP:  "No. It's a complimentary service."
ME: "Do you want me to scream sexism?"
SP: "I'll get your pictures."

After a supervisor came in to find out why I wanted pictures, I gave her a similar run around and they eventually brought me a disc with my sonogram pictures. I promptly went home and popped it into my computer. After carefully scanning the pictures, I found this.

I knew it. Those shots weren't steroids.
They were monkey tranquilizers!

Red Braves the Accused Axe Murderer...and Lives

For those of you who have been watching (and you know who you are), this is the post that you have been waiting for. Red and I finally got to meet in person. This was not over the phone or through email. She and I were actually in the same place.

In the week leading up to this day, some of my friends have asked me if I was nervous. I can honestly say that I was not. We have talked extensively over the phone and through email. We have heard stories about each other's families, childhood, pet peeves and dreams. We far from know everything about each other, but have already learned a lot before we met face to face.

The progression leading up to this day took several steps. Here's a QUICK recap for the new followers:

• Red writes a phenomenal piece on February 13 about Valentine's Day. I was so moved, I proposed to her in the comment section of her blog. This was intended as a joke. My expectation was a little joking back and forth about it and it would be over.
• The next week, we each mention the proposal and her acceptance in our blogs and have a little more fun with it.
• The intensity grows as more people begin to chime in and watch to see this develop further, especially when Red admits to having a dream about meeting me. Once again the real action happens in the comment section. She explains her reluctance since I could be an axe-murderer for all she knew.
• I responded on my blog with Evidence that I Am Harmless. I carefully explained how I could not be an axe murderer and then asked people that new me personally to vouch for me in the comment section. Over 70 people responded.

While this was fun, Red lives in Delaware and none of it is being taken too seriously, although I was feeling a definite attraction to her. Despite the fact that we would never actually meet, the flirtation was fun. She eventually makes a comment that tells me she is feeling the attraction as well.

Soon after, it is determined that she is moving to Indiana which would put her 150 miles away rather than 900. She sends me an email, so we can begin to communicate privately rather than on display for the entire blogging community to read as well. This is the first time I learn her name, despite the fact that she didn't mean to share it yet. A few weeks later we exchanged phone numbers and have spoken almost every day since then.

Red arrived in Indiana last weekend (YAY!!) and that brings us to today.

That is the shortened version. Click some of the links I provided to see the exact way it happened. There is much more to be seen in the comment sections of several posts, but you will have to find those for yourself. I tell this story because I have gained several new followers since this all started who may not be up to speed.

---

Yesterday, after close to three months since this all started we were finally face to face. I didn't have many expectations, but had been looking forward to this day for some time. I even had pictured how the initial meeting would take place.

SHHHHH!

After seeing each other, as we began to approach I would hold my fingers to my lips as she started to say something. Then, I would kiss her. Without a word, just a kiss. I figured since we were engaged before even trading names or numbers, why not kiss before we speak face to face? Plus, after all this time, I really wanted to. However, as is often the case, the way things happen in the real world rarely match up with what I saw in my head.

I have come to the realization that I am a much cooler guy on the internet than I am in the real world. I have several theories as to why this is:

1. There is less of a chance of getting slapped online
2. I don't normally have physical contact with the other person
3. The fact that I am in my underwear is not looked down on
4. I can easily step away from any conversation online with the push of a button

All of those factors give me much more confidence to say whatever I want without considering any negative repercussions. I am not socially inept. I live and work in the real world and have many close friends, but I have a boldness online that is not part of my real life personality. Despite my online persona, I was now crossing a parking lot toward the woman that I had been talking to for the last few months. This was no longer online. It's the real world and the first thing I noticed was that her pictures do not do her justice. I know that none of you in the blogging world have seen her, but Red is a beautiful woman. You just have to trust me on this. I immediately lost my nerve to start the day with a kiss. We greeted each other with a long hug.

Since we had met at a state park, we decided to walk one of the trails since many of the attractions were closed. We quickly discovered that the three days of rain preceding this meeting has made a mess of the trails. Red eventually took her sandals off to brave the mud while I did my best to find my way around each messy area.

Somethings I had learned about Red, I was not putting into practice at this time. After talking to her few a few weeks over the phone and internet, I discovered that she wasn't psychoanalyzing me by measuring the amount of time between phone calls. I didn't want to call too often and appear smothering, but also didn't want too much time between contacts to appear disinterested. This and many other factors were laid to the side when I realized that it was okay to just relax and be myself. She didn't have a bunch of crazy unpredictable expectations.

Now that we were face to face, I found myself being uptight. There was no reason for this. We had talked for months and already knew each other. It took a little time to relax. Since the state park was not working out the way we had planned, we decided to relocate. We chose a small town of historical significance to go see the sites there. The drive over (separately) gave me time to refocus.

The conversation flowed easier as we took the historical tour, although I did struggle to behave myself. Every new piece of information the tour guide gave us, brought snarky comments to mind. Also, Red seemed to be interested in the things he was saying, so I didn't blurt out every thought as I normally do.

We followed the tour with a late lunch and ended the day back at our cars. After a goodbye hug, she did what I had chickened out on earlier and kissed me. I immediately told her how much I had wanted to do that all day. She then admitted that she had wanted to when we first saw each other, but decided against it.

Maybe I should follow through on my instincts more often. I could have kissed her at the beginning of the date. In fact, it would have changed the tone for the entire day. It was a wonderful day as it was, but an initial kiss would have changed it. I don't know in what way, and I am happy with how it played out, but I didn't need to second guess myself.

After laughing at how neither of us had followed our first impulse, we shared another kiss and said our goodbyes.

It was a very good day and I expect that the next time we meet, it will be much more relaxed...and next time we meet, I will start with the kiss immediately.

---

Red's take on the day can be read HERE.

Fortune Cookie #2

Last week, Adam and I got to eat at my favorite restaurant in Mt. Vernon China Buffet #6. The last time I was here there was some confusion about why it was called #6. Of the few employees that spoke English, none of them knew the reason. On this visit, I got my answer.

The owner opened 5 other restaurants before he opened this one.

I know. Boring. I was hoping it was something more interesting, like:

• It was the sixth attempt at passing health code regulations and this was the first one to succeed.
• The owner kept opening restaurants to give to his homely daughters that would never find husbands and this was for daughter number six.
• The previous five restaurants had been destroyed by ninjas to avenge the theft of a General Tsao chicken recipe.
• Six Buddhist monks are sworn to protect against the Mongols now that the restaurant has installed a Mongolian barbecue. The descendants of Genghis Khan are not happy.

Adam convinced her to pose for a picture.
I don't think she ever really understood
what he wanted.

We were served by our favorite waitress. I don't know her name, because I am given a different answer every time I ask her. I don't think she speaks English. She understands it well enough to take our order, but even then it is very limited. Luckily, it's a buffet place and she really only needs to know what you want to drink.

Waitress: What to drink?

Adam: Mountain Dew.

Waitress (to me): You?

Me: What do you have?

Waitress: You want soda?

Me: I quit drinking soda. What do you have?

Waitress: Sorry. Say again?

Me: What do you have?

Waitress: Drink. You want what?

Me: Do you have a menu?

Waitress: Mountain Dew

Me: No, no. Menu

Waitress: OK (walks away)

On her return she brings Adam's his Mountain Dew and I get a Pepsi. It may not have been what I ordered, but I guarantee she will never let it go empty. She keeps it full. She is a very good waitress, even if she does not speak the language of her customers.

The end of the meal comes and we receive our fortune cookies. I pull mine out and it says:

That's great. Everyone wants good luck and the Chinese are telling me that it is going to happen. They are also saying that it is going to happen soon. In the spring. The first day of spring was less than 6 weeks ago. The middle of June will see the end of spring, so my good luck is about to happen quickly.

Am I going to win the lottery? Probably not, since I don't play the lottery. Is a rich relative going to die and leave me their fortune. No, none of my family has any real money. Is my blog going to explode with growth, get a million new followers, be discovered by a world renowned literary agent and I get buckets of cash thrown at me? It could happen.

I carried this fortune in my wallet to keep it in mind and not take any little blessings for granted. Here is what has happened since I received this fortune.

• I ended up in the emergency room for my shoulder pain again. BAD LUCK. However, this visit led to a discovery of the issue causing these pains. I have started treatment to prevent further injury. GOOD LUCK.
• Reaching the end of the semester in graduate school, I have a 4.0 average. GOOD LUCK...and hard work on my part. I am only giving luck so much credit.
• This week I was offered a position as office manager of a new business opening in town this summer. I accepted the job. GOOD LUCK.
• Regular followers of my blog know that I have been talking to Red for the last few months. A few days ago, she moved. This move brought her 750 miles closer than she was before. GOOD LUCK.

Since all these things happened in the spring, I will consider this fortune to be accurate. Of course, the spring is not over. I even spoke to Red's father briefly on the phone yesterday and he did not threaten me with any type of physical violence.

It has been a good spring and I anticipate it to be followed up by a great summer. Part of the great summer will involve more trips to the China Buffet #6...maybe I can bring Red there sometime. 

Enough Vicoden and I Will Agree to Anything

Proverbs 20:29

Aging sucks. As much as I want gray hair, because I think it is cool and makes a person look wise, I do not appreciate all the extra age related stuff that goes with it.

For the last year, I have been fighting a painful battle with my shoulders. I have been in the hospital 3 times for what the doctors have told me was bursitis. Read about one of those visits here. My most recent episode was last week and I was given the same diagnosis.

Since then, I have been pretty well drugged up on painkillers (I totally understand now why people take these for fun) and anti-inflammatory medication. Yesterday, I saw an orthopædic specialist, who sent me to a physical therapist today.  Thursday, I will be back at the hospital to get a sonogram on my shoulders. Maybe they think my shoulder is pregnant. I don't know. Although, it would make sense that there is something living inside there. Sometimes it feels like the bone is being gnawed on.

It is frustrating to have pain and not understand why it is happening. Luckily, my pain is not present all the time, but when it does flair up, it is horrible. I can barely move without crumbling over in agony. However, I believe this physical therapist may have found the problem. I am about to have a few very unpleasant months, but it will be worth it if he is correct.

I saw this same man about 10 years ago for a back problem that I had dealt with for the previous 15 years. He theorized that the problem was not in my back, but was a problem in my hip. A quick adjustment and a few weeks of therapy and I was cured of a major issue I had endured for over a decade.

So, when the orthopædic doctor handed me my papers and said I could go to any physical therapist I wanted, I knew who I wanted to see. At his office today, after me telling him my story of what has happened for the last year, he had me do a few movements to observe my mobility. Things like raise my arms above my head and straight out. Try to scratch my back as high as I can. Of course, I don't know what he is looking for, but he kept making small grunts. A-HA!  OK!  Uh-Huh! He would then write on his notepad.

Based on what he saw, he had me try a few more things and then told me what he thought the problem was. I have tightness in my post-blah-blob-jiggity-ascular area. This is somewhere in the back of my shoulder. Since it is so tight, it restricts my movement (which I don't even notice) and I compensate with other parts of my body, causing the flair-ups which would not be happening if I could move naturally.

He then told me that over the course of the next few months I would begin to hate him. Apparently, the exercises to fix this and stretch out the area are not pleasant. However, before he can do the therapy, I have to prepare the area at home with some pre-stretching.

According to the therapist, a shoulder with full range of motion should be able to lay their arm flat on the surface while in this position. My left arm goes to about 45 degrees before the pain kicks in and my right arm (the one I am having problems with this time) does not like to rotate at all. Pain or not, it just stops even with pressure. The muscle (or tendon or old piece of shrapnel, whatever it is) is too tight to allow for the movement. This is part of what he claims will be the reason I will not like him. Before I go back for my therapy on May 9, I should be able to get my right arm to a 45 degree angle. If not, we cannot begin treatment.

I started as soon as I got home and I have to say, I HATE THAT MAN. This sucks. Before seeing him, if I started to feel discomfort, I stopped what I was doing to find another way to accomplish my task without pain. Now, I am supposed to purposefully hurt myself in order to do it correctly.

I actually have a decent tolerance for pain. Due to my past back issues, I have dealt with pain most of my life, but this hurts. He told me that I will be very sore from these stretches and we was right. I have only done it once so far and I hurt more now than I did before I went to the hospital. According to him, they should slowly begin to stretch and I will see some progress each day. In the meantime, I am wondering what he is going to do in therapy since this is just the stretching to prepare for what is coming.

I am very happy that we are finally going to get this taken care of, but the good doctor and I may not be on speaking terms for a while after this.

How Do You Say 'Healthy' in Canadian?

Every now and then, I get excited about getting in shape. Well...let me rephrase that. Every now and then I get disgusted about being out of shape. This, in turn, gives me (a little) motivation, to want to do something to fix it. Trial and error have proven to me that the following methods do not work.

• Taking smaller bites to reduce the number of calories consumed.
• Pre-planning your meals does not mean get larger portions to avoid having seconds
• Eating every 2 hours to reduce the amount eaten - yeah, right!
• Formulating an exercise plan - apparently, finishing the plan does not count as exercise
• The same for reading a diet book - it doesn't burn many calories

I recognize the value in exercise and eating right. I have nothing against these things. It is just not part of my routine and I have never had success in changing this. The only time I remember getting into really good shape was when I was in Tae Kwon Do with my son.

The instructor talked me into taking the lessons with him. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I went to a childrens' martial arts class with Christian. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, he accompanied me to the adult class. It was something we did together and kept each other motivated. Plus, it was fun and I got to see the results of what I learned each week. The purpose of this was not to get into shape, but it is what happened.

A few years ago, I took some of my tax return money and bought a gym membership. I pre-paid for the entire year. I think I went four times. That breaks down to $75 per visit. Not really worth it.

I have decided that what I need is a person to go to the gym with me. Someone that I have a standing appointment with that I have to keep. Whether that is every morning or just 3 times a week, that would be enough to make me go. Plus, having that person there screaming, "COME ON, YOU PANSY! GIVE ME 10 MORE!" might be the extra incentive needed to not stop when I start to get tired.

Click picture for more info

Ken Degner at ken-inatractor was just writing about the goal he has of losing 10 pounds before the end of June to fit into his suit for a graduation ceremony. He has jumped in on the Pish Posh Get Fit! Challenge.

I stated the challenge I have when it comes to motivation without a workout buddy and he offered to be that person. This is a bit different than what I had in mind since he lives in Alberta, Canada, but told him that this could work.

Even if he is not right beside me telling me that I need to push harder or swinging by the house to pick me up to go to the gym, just having someone to keep me accountable gives me extra boost to get it done. In fact, it has already started. Knowing that I have someone to answer to started the process of finding a gym today.

So, here's the deal. I will post what is happening on here as well. Not for every post, but I will keep my readers updated. Encouraging words or even insults about me being fat should both push me to work harder. I now weigh 223. Ten pounds off, as Ken suggested, would bring me to 213. I know this because I am studying to be a math teacher, so trust me. However, I am going to try for those extra 3 pounds as well. I believe that is very realistic. That give me a full 2 months to lose 13 pounds. That was more math. I haven't yet done the conversions from Canadian pounds to American pounds, so my numbers may be a little off.

Cheer me on or call me mean names. In fact, whoever comes up with the most creative or brutally cruel name to call me, I will send the doughnut I chose not to eat that day because you hurt my feelings. Let the games begin.

Awards Fairy Detox

I got a surprise this morning after answering my front door. When I saw who was on the other side, I immediately slammed it shut again.  The last time I saw this guy, he was dragged off my property by the police. I haven't heard from him since. It was the Awards Fairy.

Since it was a nice day, I had my windows open and he just walked to one of those windows and pleaded with me to put down my phone and listen. He said that after he spent the night in jail, he was sent to rehab. He claimed he was clean now and had to return to my house to make amends as part of his recovery program.

Wanting to be supportive, but still not entirely trusting this fairy who had run up my cell phone bill, ate my pizza lunch, urinated on my couch and holed up in my home for several days, I stepped outside. Before stepping out, I grabbed the restraining order I had against him to remind him why he couldn't stay after he made his peace with me.

He did apologize for his past behavior. He then said before he went any further, he had something for me. He pulled an envelope out of his back pocket and handed it to me.

The front of the envelope said it was from Rusty at Swinging Like a Rusty Gate and it was dated March 15. I pointed out that this was from 6 weeks ago. Why am I just getting it now? He reminded me that he had been in jail and rehab for the last couple of months because I kept having him arrested. I had to agree that he had a point.

I opened the envelope to see what Rusty had sent me. It was the Kreative Blogger award.

Thank you, Rusty for this award. I am sorry it took so long for me to respond, but I guess it couldn't be helped since the fairy had it the entire time.

The award rules are pretty simple. Award recipients are to list 10 random things about themselves and then pass it on to other deserving bloggers. The number of bloggers to pass it on to is not listed.

10 random facts about me:

1. When my son Christian was 6 years old and had lost his third pair of shoes in one week, I grounded him from shoes for a month. He had to go everywhere barefoot (church, grocery store, etc.) Restaurants won't allow people without shoes to come in, so he had to eat outside while we finished our meal inside. He never lost another pair of shoes.
2. We had a baby deer for a pet named Bird. He was named after the first word spoken by the deer in Bambi. Our dogs didn't like to play with him, because he would butt them in the head.
3. I am close to hotting the "100 blog posts" mark. I have something special planned for number 100.



I WANNA ROCK!!!

4. In junior high, I founded a Twisted Sister fan club.
5. I do not own a bed.
6. I can't throw away bubble wrap until I know that every bubble has been popped.
7. The most money I have ever made in my life was as a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman.
8. When I was still a white belt in Tae Kwon Do, I defeated a guy who was a brown belt in judo and black belt in karate during a sparring match. I enjoyed my victory from the couch for the next week since he injured me badly enough I couldn't walk. I still won.
9. I still own over 300 cassette tapes. Mostly music from the 80's (when I was in high school). I haven't owned a cassette player for several years, but can't bring myself to get rid of them.
10. When my daughter was being potty trained, she started potty training her Barbies. When they made a mess, she would punish them by throwing them in the freezer. We still don't know why.

Bloggers I want to pass this on to:

• Super Earthling - I only discovered this blog about a month ago and spent the next few weeks digging through her archives to read it all. You never know which of the author's multiple personalities (each with her own name) will be writing that day, but it is always worth it.

• 

  Click picture to learn more.

  Pish-Posh - I have been reading Pish for a long time and have been a fan since the first time I found her. She writes on a variety of topics from very serious and touching to the bizarre (ex. drunk zombies trying to ride bikes). She recently started the Pish Posh Get Fit! Challenge and several people have linked up with her to try to improve their lives.
• The Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose - Lily writes about various topics, but my favorites are when she talks about her heathen son that she refers to as Spawn. If Lily's predictions are correct, one day Spawn will rule the world and it will not be pleasant.

After taking care of the requirements of the award, I thanked the fairy and wished him well. I even shook his hand and told him that I was glad he got the help he needed. As he turned to leave, a truck pulled up and the driver said, "Let's go." The truck bed was loaded down with a TV, some furniture and assorted other things. The fairy jumped in and they sped off.

I returned to my house and immediately noticed that my living room was empty and the back door was open. He had gotten me again while he kept me busy in the front yard. I didn't even think to get the license plate number.