The Fight To Practice My Constitutional Right

Whether you feel that the election went your way or not, I think it is safe to assume that most people are pleased it is behind us.

Tuesday morning is the tail end of the incredibly busy Monday I have every week. By the time I got home from work and got my daughter off to school, I had been awake for close to 28 hours and was ready to drop. However, I wanted to vote before I went to bed fearing that I wouldn't be up again before the polls closed.

I drove to the polling place where I had last voted, but it was no longer being used. Not knowing where to go, I went back home to look it up online. The polling place locator I found did not work, but did find a polling place close to my house using a Google search.

I drove to that location and they advised me that I was not in the correct district. She pulled out a city map with the districts on it to help determine where I should be, but the map did not show my part of the city, despite being only six blocks from my house.

Having trouble finding your polling station? I recommend looking for the most depressing building within a mile of where you live.
— Brett Minor (@brettminor) November 7, 2012

Driving back toward my house, I saw a sign for another polling place. Going inside, I was told it was not the correct place either, but they knew where I should go. I then drove to a place that was further away than either of the two places I had previously left. Bleary eyed, I stumbled up through the parking lot.

Thankfully, there were only six people in line in front of me. However, there seemed to be a problem for each person. It took several minutes to find their names in the book, or to get the election judge to properly hear how someone spelled their name, even though I could hear it clearly while half asleep and fifteen feet away. I guy was taken into the back of the room to fill out some additional paperwork before being allowed to vote.

When I finally reached the table and gave them my name, they couldn't find me listed in the system.

ELECTION JUDGE: Did you register to vote?

Of course, I registered. That's why I'm here.

ME: Yes.

ELECTION JUDGE: Where?

Who cares where. Does the place I registered have any effect on whether I get to vote or not?

ME: At the DMV. When I got my license, they asked if I wanted to register to vote. I said, "YES."

ELECTION JUDGE: When was that?

Once again, who cares? I pulled out my license to show them when I got it.

ELECTION JUDGE: Have you moved?

ME: Didn't I just show you my license?

Because they could find no record of me in their system or produce any voter card with my name on it, they had me call the circuit clerk's office to see what the problem was. Once I gave her my name, I was informed that they had me down as INACTIVE. When I asked why she said, "I don't know. Have you moved."

ME: Not since I moved to where I am now.

Seriously, how are you supposed to answer that question?

She asked me a serious of questions I had trouble concentrating on, but finally told me I could vote a full ballot once the election judges had me fill out some new paperwork. I returned to the table to tell them what I was told and instructed them that they could call in if they had any questions.

They asked me what form I was supposed to fill out.

I don't know.

They continued to ask me questions about proper paperwork and procedure. I answered every question the same way. I DON'T KNOW. I would then remind them that they could call in to the circuit clerk's office if they had any questions.

Hard to convince people that every votematters when they’re still counting ballots in Florida after Obama gave his victory speech.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) November 7, 2012

While they were trying to figure out what should be done with me, the judges would apologize and say they had to get other people through. They would then stop working with me and start getting other people through the line. I would remind them again that they could call into the circuit clerk's office to learn exactly what to do.

After shuffling through another dozen voters, one of them asked me, "Now, what were we doing with you?"

I explained the problem again and she started in with the same questions they had already asked me. She then asked me what form I needed to fill out. I was growing very tired, had been there over an our and was losing patience.

ME: Don't you guys have to take a class to be an election judge? You tell me what form I need.

Flustered, she produces a paper and starts filling it out asking my name and address. About halfway through it, I see the top of the paper states that it is for people who have moved in the last 30 days. She was not happy when I pointed out that it was not the correct form.

They start shuffling more people past me and I speak up demanding that one of the judges help me and stay with me until I am taken care of. I wasn't asking for special treatment, I just wanted them to stop pushing me to the side unnecessarily extending my wait time. An elderly woman who had been sitting in the back of the room was assigned to assist me. She found the proper form fairly quickly, but seemed to be baffled as to how to fill it out. I told her I was more than happy to fill it out for myself, but she advised it had to be done by an appointed election judge.

I had to locate the address line for her and it still took about 5 minutes of me repeating my address for her over and over for her to get it down on paper. We spent over 10 minutes on that form and all that was needed was my name, address, and a signature. Despite me locating the signature line, she wouldn't let me sign it until she looked at it, but couldn't locate it even when I showed her. I eventually just took it and signed it. I was then handed a FEDERAL ONLY ballot.

I informed them that the circuit clerk advised me I could vote a full ballot. They said it was not possible. I reminded them again that they could call in if they had any questions. After an hour and 20 minutes, I had just reached the point where I was starting to raise my voice. I didn't want to. It was happening against my will. This was ridiculous.

When they insisted again that I could only vote federal, I strained to keep the words in my mouth. I pulled out my phone dialed the circuit clerk and handed the phone to the judge. Within seconds, she learned that I was telling the truth and gave me the correct ballot.

As I started toward the voting booth, one of the judges directed me toward the line for the booth. I shot her my best dirty look and growled, "You have got to be kidding. I have been here an hour longer than anyone else in this building." I shrugged her off and ducked into the nearest booth. Five minutes later I was driving back home grateful* that I got to be a part of the political process.

*Hopefully, the sarcasm is noticed and appreciated.

---

Sunday, I posted a picture and asked for my readers to suggest captions for it. Here are the responses in no particular order.

After a grueling thirteen hour procedure,
the surgical team finally removed from Mr. Johnson's intestines
a lifetime of swallowed bubble gum.

Red of Doesn't Speak Klingon - Blue Man Group had a few wild nights with Red Woman Group, and the result was a bunch of magenta performance-artist kids.

Youngman Brown -  What your rubber band ball looks like when you are on acid.

Ken Degner of Ken-inatractor - Despite all her efforts to show her friends a good time, it turns out Hanna didn't quite think her plan for the bubblegum slumber party all the way through to the end.

Rachel of When A Lion Sleeps, Let It Sleep -  I knew we should have planned our Halloween costumes instead of keeping them secret!

Marianne of We Band of Mothers - Debbie Allen, banned from the Oscars, seeks validation from new interpretive dance, "Gum on Shoe."

Heather of Creative Devolution - ...but the groomsmen refused the unitards and as a result the wedding party was off balace visually. Talk about Death of a Vision.

Neal of Raised By My Daughter - Help, please. Every time we move, the cords get a little bit tighter.

Voix of Vois de Michèle - Spandau Ballet reunion tour coming soon!

Mrs. Luttrell of The Coffee Blogs - Don't mess with the pink ninjas...we WILL CUT YOU!

Jamie Miles -  All I can think of is the inside of a stomach on some strange Pepto Bismol commerical.

Tomekha of Inside Out -  Pink Panther gymnastics

Angela Ryan of Not Appropriate for All Audiences - Bubble Gum Ballet

I've Always Hated Mondays Anyway

I am worn out.

Today was one of those days that was packed from morning to night. Well, actually to the next morning. Monday morning, I roll out of bed to take a shower. I take my daughter to school and then drive 30 minutes to another school to do my state-mandated classroom observations for the graduate class I am taking.

I observe teachers all day and then rush out to drive back to pick my daughter up from her school. We speed out of the parking lot to get back home so she can change. We are home less than five minutes and take off to get her to work. We made it with two minutes to spare.

From there, I start the ninety-minute drive to campus for my night class which lasts four hours. I then drive the hour and a half back home, change my clothes, and drive across town to start the midnight shift at the homeless shelter where I will be until 8 a.m.

Luckily, this is not a daily thing but will be my Monday schedule for the next four weeks. On the other hand, tomorrow my bed will be getting used overtime.

Full Circle

Just a few years after high school, a friend of mine suffered through his parents getting a divorce. It was really rough and he became estranged from his father for a while. His dad had made some mistakes and in the middle of this conflict Phillip had said some things he regretted, but neither was stepping up to repair the rift between them.

In the midst of all this, Phillip poured his time and energy into hanging out with his friends. He was part of the same group of guys that I hung out with. Phillip was constantly coming up with activities for us to go do. Just hanging out in someone's garage was not good enough for him anymore.

There was a movie out that Phillip wanted to see and convinced us all to go see it with him. Altogether, there were 8 of us and I thought this might be a good opportunity to ask out a girl (I'll call her Sarah) I had had my eyes on for the last few weeks. I guessed a group setting might be more comfortable for her and would make her more likely to say yes.

I guessed correctly and she agreed. Plus, she must have been thinking the same as me. The night before we were all supposed to meet, Sarah decided to bring along her 12-year-old niece. This would provide another buffer between us. I don't know if this was for her comfort or to prevent anything physical (you know, because I am sooooo smooth), but she wanted to bring her.

With this girl being 12 years old, Sarah needed the permission of the girl's mother. The mother was a little uncomfortable with letting her daughter go with Sarah to meet up with a bunch of guys she didn't know but didn't want to deny her the opportunity to hang out with her aunt. Plus, she knew it was important to Sarah.

The girl's mother asked her boyfriend to accompany them to the movie theater to keep an eye on things. Despite not wanting to hang out with a couple of girls in a movie theater on their way to meet up with some guys, he agrees to do her this favor.

The next day he shows up with the girls and follows them as they meet up with us and is caught off guard when he runs into his son Phillip. As it turns out, Sarah's sister was dating Phillip's father and this series of events put them in the same place.

I don't remember what movie we saw or anything else that happened that day, but I will never forget when their eyes met and they suddenly realized what had happened. Within a few seconds they were both choking back tears and Phillip's dad gave him a big bear hug.

This crazy turn of events was all it took for them to start the reconciliation process and become part of a family again.

This Challenge Has It's Challenges

I have been working as a security guard for a homeless shelter for the last month. I enjoy the job. It doesn't pay much, but it works for now. Because I work the midnight shift, there isn't much that goes on while I am there. All the residents are in bed...or, at least they're supposed to be. I don't really see anyone until the last hour I am there when they start getting up to start their days.

Because it is so quiet, I have plenty of time to myself. I take my laptop in with me to do homework, write my blog, watch Netflix movies and dig around on the internet. I take in whatever book I am reading and work on my side writing project.

All this extra quiet time is the major contributing factor to my success with the 8 Week Pish Posh Challenge I have participated in for the last two months. This month, I decided to participate in the National Blog Posting Month which means I am to post every single day in November. This is my first day off work since the beginning of the month and I am already seeing the extra challenge that this month is going to be.

The day is coming to an end and I am just now finding the time to write, although, I would much rather be going to bed. Tomorrow, I will be taking my daughter to school as soon as I get up. Then, I am going to another school to serve my field experience for my graduate program. I will leave there in time to pick my daughter up again. I then have to hit the road to get to my college campus on time for my class which will let out in time for me to get to work for my midnight shift at the homeless shelter. Somewhere in the middle of that busy day, I have to write a post.

So, I am trying to plan ahead to ensure I don't hit this trap every weekend. Every Sunday for the rest of the month, I will host a caption contest. If this goes over well, I may continue to do it longer. We will use this month to test it out.

In the comment section, leave a caption for this picture:

I will collect all the responses and post them later in the week. Let's get creative.

Red Hot Romance

Yesterday, marked a milestone in my life. After months of emails, Facebook and late night phone calls, Red and I finally met in person on May 2. That was six months ago. You can read about that meeting here.

I met @brettminor face-to-face 6 months ago today! #truelove
— Doesnt Speak Klingon (@NotKlingonRed) November 2, 2012

For any new followers who may not know who I am referring to, Red is the author of the blog Doesn't Speak Klingon. Several months before meeting, something sparked between us in the comment sections of each others' blog posts. I am not going to tell the entire story here, but Red has a page dedicated to this story on her blog. Click here if you would like to get caught up.

We've had trouble deciding what to tell people when they ask how long we've been together. We have been commenting on each others blogs since early January. The comment from me that started everything happened on February 13. Over the course of the next few months, we started emailing, exchanging gifts through the mail and making phone calls. However, the first actual face to face was May 2. Since we had pretty much decided we were falling for each other before then, we like to say we have been together longer than that, but most other people don't go for it.

Regardless of which date should be used to accurately measure the duration of our relationship, we have been together long enough that we need to look at ourselves and each other seriously. We have each learned a lot about the other over the last several months and surely have much more to learn. Being head over heels for this woman causes me to want to know as much about her as I can and I often feel that our occasional weekends and nightly phone calls just aren't enough.

In an attempt to learn more, I turned to the source I use for most of my learning: the internet.

One of the first things a person meeting Red for the first time will notice is her red hair, which is the reason she goes by Red. She never actually said that. I just assume it's the reason. Since her hair color is such a prominent part of her first impression, I did a little research to see if there is anything I need to know about redheads to help me get to know her better.

Scotland has the highest proportion
of redheads in the world (13%)

When I refer to her as a rare beauty, I have statistics to back it up. Red is the rarest hair color in the world. Only 1-2% of the entire world's population has this color naturally. Despite the rarity of this color, many redheads have influenced history out of proportion to their numbers according to Cort Cass. In his book, The Red Head Handbook, he listed several famous redheads: Roman emperor Nero, Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, the ancient god of love Aphrodite, Queen Elizabeth I, Napoleon Bonaparte, Oliver Cromwell, Emily Dickinson, Antonio Vivaldi, Thomas Jefferson, Vincent van Gogh, Mark Twain, James Joyce, Winston Churchill, Malcolm X, Galileo, and King David. This tells me that red heads aspire to greatness.

There are many stereotypes about redheads. One that I have heard my entire life is that they have hot tempers. My daughter and I even took a poll once asking people what redheads are known for. Over 90% answered that it was their tempers. However, there are other stereotypes as well.

• According to a Clairol Color Attitude survey, 71% of redheads think that the word “bold” describes them, which is 24 points ahead of blonds.
• While 49% of those polled in that same Clairol Color Attitude survey thought blonds were naïve, only 15% thought redheads were.
• Redheaded women are often associated with sexual prowess. Yay, me! In fact, according to Playboy magazine, "Redheads are like other women -- only more so."

There has always been something special about redheads. They were recognized as unique even in the days of the ancient Egyptians. Look what I found in this book:

It hasn't always been good to be a red head.
The ones who weren't sacrificed were buried alive.

• During the 16^th and 17^th century witch hunts, many women were burned at the stake simply because they had red hair.
• In ancient Rome, red headed slaves cost more than slaves with other colored hair.
• The ancient Greeks believed that redheads would turn to vampires after they died.
• In Michelangelo’s Temptation and in St. Paul's Cathedral, Eve is initially depicted as having brown and blond hair, respectively. But in both artistic renditions, after she eats the apple and she and Adam are driven from the Garden of Eden, Eve is depicted as a redhead.
• Hitler banned the marriage of redheads to prevent "deviant offspring."
• Mark Twain once said that, "while the rest of the human race are descended from monkeys, redheads derive from cats."

I know that I have always thought of redheads differently, but it's pretty clear that it is not just me. Redheads have been viewed as different almost since the beginning of time. So far, I have only listed stereotypes, but there are several facts about them that do make them a little different.

• Redheads do not experience a graying of their hair as they age. It typically goes blond and then turns to white.
• Red hair holds its pigment more than other colors, making it harder to dye.
• Red hair is a recessive trait, which mean that a redhead must inherit a red hair gene from each parent.
• Redheaded women report bruising more easily than women of other colored hair.

I feel that I have learned a lot about the woman I have been spending so much time with and I know that when Red reads this she will adamantly proclaim that there is more to her than just her hair, but I won't take it personally. It's not her fault. It's in her genes.

Pish Posh Challenge Wrap Up

After eight weeks, the Pish Posh 8 Week Challenge has come to an end. I don't know the total number of people that participated, but I have read some great stories from several of them. Most of them were health related. Goals were made for running, better fitness patterns, weight loss, quitting smoking and healthier eating habits. I challenged myself as a writer to post at least five times a week to stretch my writing skills.

My purpose in choosing this as a goal was to improve my writing. All the literature that I can get my hands on suggests writing every day to strengthen your skills. There are other things to do as well. Reading exposes people to other authors and additional styles. I have no trouble in this area. I go through a book about every two days. Another tip is to get out and live life. This helps you to build experiences to inspire your writing. I actively pursue this one when the weather is warmer. Once it gets cold, my life inspiration will have to come from the inside of my warm house. Despite the various tips given for improving ones writing, I concentrated on the frequency of my posts.

I don't know if my writing has actually improved over the course of this exercise, but it has done much to start me on a writing habit that I plan to continue for a very long time. Yesterday, I started on a new challenge to post every day in November for the National Blog Posting Month sponsored by BlogHer. Since I had already decided to maintain this increased pace anyway, I decided to jump on board. This should help to drive the habit in even deeper. If I can get comfortable writing every day, I hope to use this new discipline to start and complete a novel over the course of the next couple of years. Or one year. I really don't know how long it takes to write a book.

When this challenge was presented, I knew immediately what I wanted to do and jumped right into it. However, I had some serious concerns that I wouldn't have anything to write about if I was writing everyday. Any time I had a good idea I had to use it immediately and come up with something new for the next day.

There were a few days when I struggled with something to say. Several times, I sat down at my laptop without a clue as to what I was going to write about. However, one of my favorite posts from the challenge grew out of one of those evenings. Back In My Day was born out of me looking through the photos on my laptop hoping for inspiration. I took a series of my childhood pictures and made a story. It was fun.

I wasn't happy with every post I put up over the last eight weeks, but I have several that I am proud of.

Morgan Freeman, We Will Miss You, But Not Yet
After several times of reading on Facebook that Morgan Freeman was dead, I wrote this piece.

With Friends Like These
I submitted this piece to Dude Write and even won an award for it. It's a cute story about how one of my friends stabbed a guy in a bar as a joke. Sounds like fun, doesn't it.

Things That Make You Feel Old
This was one of those posts that was born out of me not knowing what to right. While crying in front of my computer, a news story about Princess Diana came on TV. I was shocked that this happened 15 years ago. I scoured the internet for the dates of things I remember from my lifetime and wrote about how much time has passed since then. It turned out to be a popular piece.

Silence Speaks Volumes
This is one of my "I hate children" posts. As mean as this post sounds, it's not really a joke.

Sign, Pole...MAILBOX!!!
This post, written about 6 weeks ago, quickly jumped to the rank of most viewed post. It's an explanation of a game we used to play in the car to entertain the children and keep us from wanting to drive into a tree. No one else plays this game.

Not everything I wrote was good. There were several stinkers mixed in the bunch as well, but it was worth it to develop the daily habit. Plus, the two months spanned by this challenge brought me more blog traffic than any other months. September saw my highest numbers ever and my October stats were 1,800 views higher than the previous month. I couldn't be happier with how this challenge played out for me. Especially since I failed so miserably at Pish's last challenge.

Thank you, Pish, for offering this challenge. I know it helped a lot of people. I will be joining in next time if you choose to do this again in the future.

Click here to hop over to the Challenge site, read the other participants' stories, and vote for your favorite.

NaBloPoMo 2012

Last week I finished up the 8 Week Pish Posh Challenge where I challenged myself to write at least 5 times per week for 8 weeks straight. I accomplished that goal and had a huge sigh of relief when I put up the last post. I just have to wrap it up with one final post before the end of the week for voting.

I was pleased to get to participate and happy to have it behind me, but when I sat down at my computer today, I discovered that November is National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo). BlogHer has challenged bloggers to post daily for the entire month, and by daily, they mean every day, including Sundays and Thanksgiving. There are no breaks. Participants must post every single day in November.

Despite just finishing a two month long challenge where I posted 5 days a week, I decided to participate and jump right into this one. I will have to step up my game since I have to write 7 days per week for the next month. Since I presently post each night while I am at work, the only change I will have to make is posting on my days off as well. I am ready to meet the challenge.

For anyone else interested in participating, BlogHer offers incentives. On Tuesday and Thursday of each week, they will be giving away prizes to the blogs that have posted every day up to that point. They are giving away tickets to the BlogHer '13 conference which will be held in Chicago on July 25-27. I plan to actually make it to this conference whether I win the tickets or not. They are also giving away Voices of the Year e-books.

In addition to taking on this challenge, all the participants are added to the public list at BlogHer giving extra blog exposure for everyone who signs up. I have also registered with the good people over at Yeah Write who are heavily promoting this event. If any of you would like to join me, the first post must be up today.

Let's see what the month brings. I mentioned a few times last month that there is always something to write about. I guess it is time to put that to the test. Wish me luck.

Halloween Prepared

I stated in yesterday's post that I am not a fan of uninvited Trick or Treaters coming to my door. Once again, I have nothing against the practice, but participating is supposed to be optional. Knowing that I will be home tonight, but not planning to run to the door to hand out candy every five minutes, I have gathered a few items from around my house to give to the cretins who choose to knock on my door despite the signals saying "Stay away."

Namely, the unlit porch light and the huge sign on my front door that reads "STAY AWAY!"

For those misguided souls, I have a box beside my door of goodies to hand out so they will not walk away empty handed.

• Canned beets
• Subscription card for TIME magazine
• Bag of clothes originally intended for Goodwill
• Damaged XBOX 360 controller
• Empty bottle of True Blood
• Amway recruitment literature
• Rolls of Tums
• Math flash cards
• Stack of political door hangers
• A live hamster
• A dead hamster
• Keys to '76 AMC Hornet stationwagon
• Packs of Sweet n' Low for the diabetic children
• Expired Vicodin
• Three crayon halves (burnt sienna, fuzzy wuzzy, beaver)
• Dead Samsung phone battery
• Dental floss
• Blockbuster membership card
• Old issues of TV GUIDE
• Electrical tape
• KFC hand wipes
• A four of clubs 
• McDonalds' Monopoly board (4 Oriental Place markers included)
• VHS tape of Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Oldies
• Assorted blown fuses
• Ineffective smoke detector
  
• Twinkies with the creme filling sucked out
• Cassette tape of Jefferson Starship
• Toilet paper tubes
• Plastic drill index
• 2 dozen shrinkwrapped Windows NT 3.5 install CDs
• Ramen noodle flavor packets 

I am hoping that some parent will complain about the treat their child was given. I haven't had a good argument in a while.

Ideally, I won't have to hand out any of these items because people will be decent this year and stay off my porch. For the violators, I am prepared to follow them home and knock on their doors each night during supper until Christmas.

I'm Making Caramel Onions

Halloween is upon us and with it comes the practice that makes me want to pull my hair out. TRICK OR TREATING!!! I can't stand it.

I have said many times on this blog that I don't like most people. While I have fun with it, it is not really a joke. I don't. I also do not care for children, but for some reason Halloween is the day that not only are kids allowed to knock on the doors of complete strangers, but they are encouraged to ask for candy from those strangers. A practice that is staunchly discouraged any other day of the year.

Before anyone calls me a Scrooge^*, be assured that I do not hate the entire holiday.

^*I know Scrooge is a Christmas-y term, but I couldn't think of the Halloween equivalent of Scrooge.

Everybody loves clowns!!!

Best costume ever.

---

Have I ever said I don't like kids?

I am a huge fan of horror movies. I enjoy a good haunted house and my mind sort of leans toward the dark side -- dark side, as in the macabre, not the Star Wars reference. I can appreciate someone who has put a lot of work into their costume. In fact, I don't even have anything against the practice of trick or treating, but I have a huge problem with the way it is practiced.

I participated in this activity a few times when I was a kid. It was done the same way every year. We would get into our costumes, my mother would drive us around to the houses of people we knew and then we would go to a party somewhere. Note the bold print. We went to the houses of people we knew. It never even crossed our minds to go to a stranger's house and expect them to give us free stuff just because we showed up.

The very idea that children are allowed to walk up to the doors of anyone they please is appalling. Then the person who lives there is expected to hand out candy.

A few years ago, I was working on Halloween and got home about seven o' clock. Getting out of my car, I was met by a family of trick or treaters. They saw me pull up and cut me off before I could get to my door. After I apologized for not having anything, the mother called me a nasty name.

She actually thought she was entitled to that opinion and was in the right because I hadn't done something she felt I was supposed to do. As far as I know, there is no law that says I have to give these people candy. I am not being stingy, greedy or even insensitive if I choose to not give handouts to a bunch of strange kids I have never seen before in my life. I am free to participate if I want to and some years I have, but if I choose not to that is my choice. I don't even need a reason.

I have decided that this year, I will be putting up NO TRESPASSING signs and will park my car in my front yard. Anyone who steps on my lawn will be startled when I start honking the horn. I will not let up until they flee back into the street. If someone gets upset because their kids gets scared and starts to cry, they will be reminded that it is Halloween. Being scared is part of the deal when you leave the house and maybe they should keep their kid on a leash.

Jack Frost Can Bite Me

On Tuesday, I wrote about me being sick. I received lots of get well wishes, which were very much appreciated. Thank you.

Today, I am not back to 100% yet, but I am definitely on the mend. All my aches and pains are gone. I no longer have a head ache or fever. The only thing left is some chest congestion. Hopefully, that will clear up in the next few days.

Since I have basically just slept when I haven't been at work for the entire last week, waking up today feeling good meant that I had some pent up energy. I thought my return to the world of the healthy would be good news to my daughter, but she claims the house was much quieter when I was incapacitated.

Apparently, she doesn't care for my musical outbursts or being forced to box with me when we pass in the hall. I never knew this. She may complain now, but she'll miss me when I'm dead.

She was thankful that I was up and moving when we all went out for dinner. According to her, we have been out of food for the last three days, but I had been too sick to notice. She was sweet enough to know that I was sick and didn't bother me with this little detail, but is still of the mindset where she thinks she has to eat every single day. That gets a bit annoying, but I have learned to make due. It's just part of the sacrifices I make for my family.

Now that I am on my feet again, I realize that I have some seasonal preparations to take care of. The temperature has dropped significantly in the past week, which means winter is right around the corner. It is no secret that I hate winter.  We barely survived the great SNOWPOCALPSE of 2011 because we weren't properly prepared. I don't care to have a repeat of any similar events.

I may not be able to control the weather, but I can control how prepared I am for whatever may come my way. Here are some of the things I plan to do this weekend to get prepared for the three months of icy Jack Frost hell that are coming our way.

• Stock up on groceries. Generally, if I have to leave the house, it is because I have gotten low on food because the kids discovered where I was hoarding it. Frozen pizzas, frozen burritos, frozen waffles. Frozen is usually a good way to go in case of a power outage. Food can be tossed in the snow to maintain freshness hardness.
• Get chains for car. The roads get slick out there and I will need something heavy to break into another car if mine gets stuck in a ditch.
• Dig out the warmer clothing and extra blankets. Having these handy makes them more readily available to stuff under doors and hang over windows when those cold drafts start to blow in.
• Cancel gym membership. There is no way I am driving across town to change into shorts, start sweating and then drive back in subzero temperatures. I'll rejoin in the spring.

• 

  I know bacon usually comes from
  pork bellies, but that's only because 
  it's the fattest part of a pig

  Stock up on ammunition. If we run out of food and the roads are impassable, I may need to be prepared to personally provide food for my family. I see the occasional rabbit in my back yard. If things get more desperate, several of our neighbors have outside dogs. I am not even above an Andes rugby team type of scenario if the situation calls for it and we have plenty of neighbors. I have even been reading up on how to make my own bacon.
• Buy plenty of batteries. Mostly AA to ensure the TV remotes and XBOX controllers are always functional.
• Buy shovels to clobber anyone who tries to enter our house and loot our winter supplies.

With a little forethought and planning, I should be able to get my family through to spring without any casualties worth mentioning. Once my daughter graduates high school, I'm moving south.

Pish Posh Challenge - Week 8 - I DID IT!

This is the final posting for the Pish Posh 8 Week Challenge. Pish challenged her readers to choose something about themselves that they wanted to change and then start doing it. Whether weight loss, breaking a bad habit, starting a good habit or whatever the case may be, she challenged us to better ourselves and check in each week as we write about our experiences.

Personally, I wanted to challenge myself as a writer and decided to bump up the number of posts to my blog. I vowed to post at least five times per week. Some weeks were harder than others, but I met that goal. This is my 41^st post since starting the challenge two months ago.

This is the first time I have actually accomplished the goal of the challenge. The last time I participated in her challenge, I failed miserably. So, I don't know what is supposed to happen now. Did I win? Is there money involved? Will I become famous? I'm sure I'll find out.

Each week of the challenge, I linked back up to Pish's site and showed the links for my posts that week. Here are my posts for this week:

Saturday, October 20, 2012
Better Than Any Sleeping Pill
Everyone was amazed that I slept through my neighbor's house burning down a few months ago. As it turns out, I won't even wake up when it's my own house.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Danger Mouse Must Sign A Release Form
I experience the ridiculousness of bureaucratic red tape and fill out the dumbest form I have ever seen.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Maybe I Should Stick With Books
Best Buy holds me hostage for over an hour just because I want to buy something in their store. A story of atrocious customer service.

Thursday, October 25, 2012
Snot A Good Day
I have been slowly getting sick all week and I use the venue of my blog to whine about it.

---

It has been a lot of fun and I plan to continue posting at this pace. At least for the near future. I have a job that allows me to be able to do so and it has become a habit. 

Thank you to those of you that have offered the encouraging words. It is appreciated. Congratulations to all the other participants of the Challenge as well.

Snot A Good Day

I'm sick.

I haven't felt so hot for the last few days, so I started downing vitamin C, zinc, and lots of fluids trying to ward off whatever evil mucus-filled virus was coming my way, but it didn't work. Today, I am sick…and it sucks.

Since the weekend, I have slept about 14 hours per day. I am trying to get plenty of rest when I am not at work and don't seem to have any trouble sleeping. Despite all the rest I'm getting, it just doesn't seem to be enough. I want to curl up in bed and stay there until I am better.

Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. Kirsten still has to get to school, church, and work. I still have to feed myself and visit the bathroom occasionally. I also still have to go to work. Luckily, my job has almost zero interaction with other people. I can be sick without spreading it to anyone and no one even knows about it.

I am left to wonder if I have a cold or if this is a residual effect of all the smoke I breathed in when my house tried to kill me a few days ago. It could even be a combination of the two. Either way, I will be grateful when it finally passes.

Whatever the cause, my medicine-induced, fuzzy-headed, double-vision, snot-running, room-spinning state makes it difficult to focus on writing, so this will be a short post.

6 more hours and I'll be back home in my own bed.

Maybe I Should Stick With Books

This is the second part of the post that started yesterday. Click here to get caught up…or don't. This post could probably stand on it's own.

---

After the fiasco at Petco, where I assured them that I would not be locking my new mouse in a sex dungeon wearing a ball gag and attaching tiny nipple clamps, it was time to head to Best Buy to get my Kindle.^*

^* I'll bet you wish you had read the previous post now, don't you?

Like most men, I hate shopping and don't want to spend any more time inside a store than I absolutely have to. I walked into the store at 9:55, five minutes before they were technically open. By ten o' clock, I already had the item in my hand and found the nearest store associate to check me out.

He takes the Kindle and leads me to the back of the store. When we arrive at his station, he starts typing on the keypad of his computer. After a few minutes, he lets out an exasperated sigh, hangs his head for a moment and starts furiously pounding away again. This goes on for several minutes with him making the occasional grunt of disgust.

He finally looks up at me and apologizes, "I am so sorry. I have been gone a week for training and they made me change my password right before I left. I can't remember it."

He then walks off. I look at my phone and discover that it is 10:12. I had been standing there for close to fifteen minutes and that entire time he was only trying to log into his computer!

At 10:20, I am still standing there wondering where he has gone. I thought he was just going to get help and come right back. I step around the counter to retrieve the box so I can just take it to the front of the store to check out. Once behind the counter, he shows up with another store associate.

He apologizes again and the other associate logs him on before running off to assist another customer. He starts ringing me up and asks if I am part of their rewards program. When I advise him that I am not, he tells me of a few of the perks and assures me that it is free to join. I like free stuff so I agree.

He starts digging through the papers to the side of the computer and mutters, "They must have moved them." He immediately runs off to retrieve the required papers for the rewards program.

It is now 10:27, over half an hour since I entered the store. However, since he took the Kindle with him when he wandered off this time, I can't grab it to check out at the front. I scan the store trying to locate him, but can't see him anywhere. I head back over to the electronics section with the intention of grabbing another Kindle so I can take it up front and forget about the first guy. However, there are no more on the shelves.

I would have left, but I really wanted to buy it that day. Reluctantly, I head back to the sales counter to find that he has come back with the rewards paperwork. He apologizes again and hands me a clipboard with paperwork to fill out.

When I ask him what the papers were for, he advised that they were for the rewards program. I give them back and say I am not interested any more and would like to be on my way. He is obviously disgusted with me since he had taken the time to track down the paperwork for me, but is trying not to show it.

When he goes to scan my item, he discovers that the several minutes of inactivity, caused by him looking for the rewards paperwork, has caused his computer to log out again. He still does not know his password, but tries for several minutes before he tells me what is delaying him.

He looks up, apologizes for the fifteenth time since I have met him and darts off to get someone to help him. Not falling for this again, I take off after him and yell for him to stop.

"Give me the Kindle!"

"But you haven't paid for it yet."

"That's what I want to do, but you can't seem to help me with that!"

I remind him that I originally asked him to check me out a few minutes before ten o' clock. I then pulled out my phone to show him that it was now 10:47. He replied, "Give me a few more minutes and I will have you checked out."

Through clenched teeth I warned him that if he did not immediately hand me the Kindle, I would climb up on his checkout counter and start screaming for a manager. He handed it over. He then gave me a card to present to the cashier so he would get credit for the sale.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Well, I am the one who helped you."

I decided to walk away before I said anything further…or punched him in the spleen.

At the front register, I am asked if I want to join the rewards program.

NO

Do you want the extended warranty?

NO

Do you want any extra accessories like a cover or charger?

NO

As she starts to ask me the next question I cut her off and tell her that I have been in this store for over an hour trying to leave. I do not want anything extra. Just ring me up so I can get out of here.

She politely smiled, apologized and said, "I understand. We'll get you right out. Let's start with your last name."

"What? Why?"

"For the purchase. What is your name?"

I informed her of my counter climbing, manager alerting, screaming idea from earlier and told her how close I was to doing it again. Scan the item, swipe my card and let me leave. Why does this have to be so difficult?

Thirty seconds later, I was on my way out the door with my purchase proving that it could be done. I got to the car at 11:04. Since it had only taken me a few minutes to pick up the Kindle in the store, that means it took over an hour for me to check out. I thought technology was supposed to make things more efficient.

Danger Mouse Must Sign A Release Form

Today, I finally broke down and bought the toy that I've wanted for the last year. I bought a Kindle Fire. It has so many features, I am still learning how to use it, but I love it.

As much as I'm enjoying my new toy, getting it was not nearly as enjoyable. I will break this story up into two parts. I know how pleased everyone was last time I did a 'TO BE CONTINUED.'<sup>*

*</sup>Hopefully, the sarcasm was noticed.

I bought it from a Best Buy over an hour from my home. I had to travel for unrelated business anyway and decided to get it while I was there. I had arrived 30 minutes before the store was open, so I wandered around some of the other stores to pass some time. I have a tendency to get into trouble if I don't keep myself busy.

All dogs go to heaven,
but cats burn in eternal fire

One of those stores was a Petco. After spending a few minutes looking at the animals, I decided to get a feeder mouse^* for Dr. Finklerstein.  

^*'Feeder mouse' is a nice way of saying 'snake food.'

Dr. Finklerstein is a python…and he eats live mice. In case you didn't catch that part. Well, he kills them first, and then eats them. So, I am buying a mouse to toss in a cage to be eaten by a snake.

It is very important to the story that you understand that.

I ask one of the employees to get me a feeder mouse and he dashes off. After several minutes, he comes back, hands me a paper and says, "Fill this out and date it."

Without even glancing at it, I started to just give it back to him. I hate when stores ask for my information. I decline to provide it because they don't actually need my info for me to make a purchase. Plus, I don't want to get a bunch of mail from them, electronic or otherwise.

As I start to hand it back, I see the word 'AGREEMENT' at the top. This made me curious. I read the paper and realized it was a disclaimer form promising that I would treat the animal I was purchasing in a humane fashion and would not intentionally let it come to harm.

Let me remind you again that I was only buying this mouse to feed it to a snake!

After reading it, I looked up at the employee. He stared back at me with eyes that clearly said, "I know. Please don't say it."

My eyes pleaded with his, "I want to say it."

He glared back and his eyes spoke with intensity, "Can't you tell I think this is stupid too?"

I furrowed my brow and even shook the paper for effect as my eyes challenged his, "But you're the one who gave me the paper."

He then sighed and gave me a sad look that said, "I can't get your mouse until you sign it" or it might have said, "I hate my job." I'm not very good at reading visual cues. Either way, I signed the paper promising not to harm the mouse.

Despite the fact that he knew I was lying since I had asked for a feeder mouse, he retrieved one for me. I tried to hand him the signed agreement, but he instructed me to present it at the register when I checked out.

As the check out girl was ringing up my mouse, she asked for the humane treatment document. I handed it to her and asked, "You do know that I am only buying this mouse for snake food, right?"

She shot me a look that sternly communicated, "You do know that I only make minimum wage, right?"

I took my receipt and new doomed pet out of the store and headed toward Best Buy. It was time to get my Kindle, but the story of that store will have to wait until tomorrow.

Tune in to our next post for the conclusion to this harrowing tale and answers to the questions:

• Will Best Buy also have asinine paperwork?
• Does the mouse have an opinion about any of this?
• Will Brett continue to communicate with his eyes or will he switch to using a finger?

These questions and many more will be answered in the next post…or maybe not.

Better Than Any Sleeping Pill

When I got off work yesterday morning, I was looking forward to getting to my bed. Working the midnight shift as a single parent gets a little challenging when it comes to finding enough time to sleep. I have no trouble falling asleep during the day, as I hear other people do, but parenting responsibilities get in the way.

Wake me at break time.

I get off at eight Tuesday through Saturday mornings. I have made arrangements to get Kirsten to school each morning, but I have to pick her up in the afternoon. She gets out of school at 3:30, so if I can be asleep by 8:30, I get almost seven hours. However, there are usually little things that chip that time away.

I may need to run to the bank, drop by the library, get my oil changed or go pay a bill. I try to do as many things as I can in one day, but it doesn't always work out that way. Many days, I am only able to get about five hours sleep. I can do this for a couple of days, but it starts to catch up to me pretty quickly. Yesterday morning was going to be a good sleep day.

My daughter was already out of school and had an event after school that even provided her with a ride home afterwards. I would be able to go to bed and sleep until I woke up. I had gone short for the last couple of days, so I was really looking forward to it. Plus, I knew that I would barely get four hours the next day, so I needed to be well rested going into the weekend.

As soon as I take my coat off in the house, I notice how cold it is. The thermostat showed 58 degrees. The pilot light on my furnace had gone out again. That happens occasionally. I re-lit it and went to bed. I don't even remember laying down. I was out immediately.

Some time passes and I am jolted awake by a knocking on my bedroom door. As soon as I sat up to answer, my chest and eyes were burning. I started coughing and was having trouble breathing. I stumbled to the door. As I opened it, the light from the hallway lit up the smoke that had filled the house, including my bedroom.

My son Christian had dropped by the house and was met with a wall of smoke when he stepped in. He had immediately woken me and told me that there was a lot of heat coming from the furnace. I opened the furnace doors and tried to turn off the gas, but the controls were too hot to touch. I got it shut down using a rag. The blue flames disappeared immediately, but I could see a red glow still coming from the interior of the furnace. At this point, I occurs to me that I will not be getting all the sleep I had been looking forward to.

Fearing my house was on fire, I called 911. They told me to get everyone out of the house. I suddenly became aware that I was still in my underwear. Since the house wasn't actually burning down around me, I got dressed quickly and then went outside. I could already hear the sirens. I started checking out the roof and piping coming out of it, but could see no smoke.

It took me about 30 seconds to realize how cold it was outside. I knew the fire fighters would not let me near the house again once they got there, so I held my breath and went back in to get my coat. While I was in there, I also grabbed my laptop and my phone. Still no flames, but I couldn't see through the smoke. I remember thinking, "At what point am I supposed to stop, drop, and roll?"

I step outside much happier now that I am not freezing and see the help arriving. Two police cars and three fire trucks fill up the street along with all my neighbors, who are coming out to investigate the excitement. I couldn't really explain it to them, because I was busy trying not to hack up a lung.

I cough out an explanation to the first fire fighter about what had happened as the others went inside. They determined that there was no fire, but the furnace was still very hot. The glowing I saw was probably glowing metal from the extreme heat.

They said the breaker to the furnace had blown in the fuse box, which means the blower was not running. The flames were building heat, but the blower was not distributing it through the house. I don't know anything about this stuff, but will attempt to explain it as I understand it.

Apparently, there are safeties in place to keep this sort of thing from happening. If the blower stops running, some little dude inside is supposed to notice and kill the flames. However, he fell asleep on the job or didn't show up for work and never turned the flames off. This allowed the heat to reach unacceptable levels. The same department must be in charge of my smoke detectors, because they never went off. Despite the battery change from six weeks ago. I'm going to make rabbit stew out of the Energizer bunny.

A few hours later, I was able to crawl back under the smoke saturated covers to go back to sleep. I was able to get a few more hours sleep and was immediately reminded of the events of the day when I woke up to the smell, a wheezing chest, and a splitting headache.

I am not one to usually play the "what if" game, but two scenarios come to mind. What if Christian had not dropped by?

1. The quickly increasing heat would have eventually caused a fire, burning my house down with me asleep in the back room.
2. Even before the fire started, the smoke inhalation would have probably already done me in.

I am truly amazed at how much smoke was in my bedroom and I didn't even realize it. The toxic gases lulled me into a deeper sleep than I have ever experienced.The deep sleep was nice, but not worth it in the end.

CHECK YOUR SMOKE DETECTORS, PEOPLE!

Pish Posh Challenge - Week 7

We have reached the seventh week of the Pish Posh 8 Week Challenge where Pish Posh has challenged her readers to pick something about their lives they don't like and change it. She also challenged us all to write about the process over the course of the eight weeks so we can check in on each other for encouragement, sympathy, or congratulations.

I focused on my writing. The best way to get better at something is to practice and people wanting to improve their writing are commonly encouraged to write me. So, I challenged myself to write at least five posts a week. As of the end of week 7, I have met the goal every week. This week, I even got an extra one in.

Here are my posts since last week's link up:

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Back In My Day
I use pictures from my childhood to tell a story to a bunch of high school kids with a sense of entitlement. NO! The story is not true.

Monday, October 15, 2012
The Awards Fairy Is Foiled
I received an award and got another visit from the Awards Fairy.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012
It's A Wonder I Ever Leave Home 
I added a few people to my ever growing list of people I cannot stand. Let's add to the list people that only want to talk about health food. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

He won't eat it.
He hates everything.

Things That Make You Feel Old
I compiled a list of pop culture events designed to make you realize how old you are. It may or may not be fun to read. It's a nice nostalgic trip down memory lane, but could make you fell like crap at the same time. Did you know that it has been 26 years since the last time LIFE cereal ran the ad with little Mikey?

Thursday, October 18, 2012
Tired Of Politics
I express my disgust with the current state of social media and all the bickering about politics because of the upcoming election AND I offer a solution.

My new job allows me a lot of free time, part of which I use for writing my blog. I almost feel like I'm cheating because my circumstances have changed since I started this challenge. My biggest obstacle before this was feeling like I didn't have the time to write. I had made the decision that I would make time for it like I do my shower time. Now, I don't have to^*. The time is there.

* I don't have to find the time to WRITE. I DO still have to shower.

This leads me to believe that even when this challenge is over, I may continue at this pace as long as I have this job. I need to start pre-planning some posts.

Tired of Politics

We are well into the election season and I cannot wait until it is over. As annoying as it is to watch and listen to the mud-slinging, negative campaigning and all the accusations of the other candidates lying (even if it's true), it is even worse to listen to it amongst the people I know.

I know where I stand politically and I am not shy about it, but I don't throw it at other people. It doesn't bother me that some people want to wear their political affiliations on their sleeve. It's their right to discuss politics and policy as often or rarely as they want. However, it is amazing how many people cannot discuss these issues without getting angry and insulting toward someone who does not share their views. I love a good debate and would be more than happy to debate my beliefs with anyone, but I don't want to get into an argument. Not many people can friendly disagree.

It is no secret that I love Facebook. In fact, I am pretty sure that a very large number of people do. However, for the last two months or so, it has not been fun to be on Facebook or Twitter. The political posts are making me want to gouge my neighbor's eyes out. It's nothing against him, but I'm not going to gouge out my own eyes. It is not people's opinions that bother me. I can handle and even welcome opposing views. It is the nastiness I am seeing happen on people's walls. People that I know to be friends are saying the most horrible things to each other just because they stand on opposite sides of an issue or support a candidate the other does not care for.

There are many issues that I am very passionate about and still others that I firmly believe involve a moral right or wrong and am disgusted that we even have to discuss their legality, however none of these issues are worth losing friends over. In most cases, I keep my mouth shut. It is very rare that you can sway a person to your side anyway. Many of the people that are hard to take on Facebook and Twitter right now are people that I enjoy interacting with the rest of the year, so I don't want to unfriend them. I wouldn't even mind talking to them if they could be nice, but it doesn't seem to be the case for now.

I have taken some measures to help make the next month more tolerable. Due to the nature of my job, I don't physically encounter many people during the week, so my social interactions are on Facebook, which is where the bulk of my irritation lies. Last week I found a way to get around it and thought I would share it with you.

There is a fantastic new app out called Social Fixer. Some have dubbed it the "Better Facebook." This app is not made for political purposes, but can be used for them. Social Fixer has many, many, many ways it improves your Facebook experience, but my favorite one is the blocking of statuses containing keywords you define.

If you install this app, you can set it up to block the words Romney, Obama, Democrat, Republican, election, health care, town hall, etc. Your Facebook will look exactly the same, but a post containing any of those words will not show up in your feed. It makes your internet time much more tolerable if the political rants are starting to make your blood boil.

When the election season is over, you can continue to use it for the political nasty backlash that inevitably will happen after the election or set the blocked words to be anything else you don't want to see. You can block out a hated sports team, stop news about the latest cause bandwagon everyone has jumped on, or avoid posts concerning anything else you may be sick of hearing about.

Another tool that does the same thing is Facebook Purity. This one specifically blocks certain updates, but doesn't have all the extra features of Social Fixer. There are similar apps for Twitter as well. Try Declutter or Proxlet. For mobile user of Twitter the TweetDeck app can do the same thing. Click Settings > Global Filter and define whatever restrictions you prefer.

This was not the direction I intended to go when I started this post. I just wanted to express my disgust for the people who forget common decency when discussing politics and did not know I would be plugging social filter products, but I am happy to provide this service for the people who might like to take advantage of it.

This is not paid advertisement. WOW! I've never had to say that before.

Things That Make You Feel Old

Two years ago, I suddenly became very aware of my age when I discovered that one of my best friends from college had become a grandfather.  

A GRANDFATHER!   

He is only a year older than me. How is that possible? Grandparents are old people.

At least, that is the view I used to have. Once I reflected on this, it occurred to me that my son is 20 years old. Not that I am expecting him to become a father anytime soon, but he is at the age where that would not be such a shocking thing. It still catches me off guard when I am substitute teaching and meet a high schooler who is the child of someone I went to school with. I don't know why this surprises me since my youngest child is a junior in high school and 16 years old. Even though I have gotten older, I guess I don't think about the ages of other people that I don't see on a regular basis.

Years ago, I laughed it off when I heard a DJ refer to Motley Crüe as 'classic' rock. However, I have come to accept that it has been quite a while since we used floppy disks and had satellite dishes that dwarfed the cars sitting in our driveway. I distinctly remember when gasoline reached the outrageous price of $1/gallon and the excitement we felt when the new network channel FOX first came on the air.

I started looking around the internet to see how old some of the things I remember are and compiled the following list.

DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE COMFORTABLE BEING REMINDED ABOUT YOUR AGE!

1. Windows XP was released 11 years ago, in 2001.
2. Ren & Stimpy debuted over 20 years ago.
3. The "new" Millennium is over a decade old.
4. Pluto was downgraded from planet status 5 years ago.
5. Pierce Brosnan last acted as James Bond 10 years ago.
6. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air has been off the air for 18 years.
7. It has been 11 years since 9/11.
8. Ellen DeGeneres came out 15 years ago. 
9. The Matrix came out 13 years ago. Keanu Reeves is 48 years old today.
10. Princess Diana and Mother Theresa have been dead for 15 years.
11. The Challenger space shuttle disaster happened 27 years ago.
12. Macauley Culkin is 31 years old. Home Alone came out over 20 years ago.
13. Terminator 2 is over 20 years old. Edward Furlong, who played kid John Conner, is 34 now.
14. Sean Connery is in his 80's and retired. He hasn't made a new movie in 9 years.
15. Brittany and Madonna's famous on-stage kiss was 9 years ago.



27 years ago.

16. Nicole Brown Simpson was murdered 18 years ago.
17. There hasn't been a cast member from I Love Lucy alive for 32 years.
18. If the Simpsons' actually aged, Maggie would be 24 today.
19. The youngest Spice Girl is 36, the oldest Backstreet Boy 39, Gwen Stefani is 42, Madonna 53.
20. The last Goosebumps book was published 14 years ago.
21. Kurt Cobain has been dead for 17 years.
22. The first Harry Potter book came out 15 years ago!
23. The first season of Friends was aired 18 years ago.
24. The Macarena dance craze was 16 years ago.
25. The little red headed girl who starred opposite Jim Belushi in Curly Sue is 30 years old and married.
26. Kids born in 1994 can legally vote this year.
27. All 3 Hanson brothers are married with kids.
28. Ask a teenager what this means: "BE KIND. PLEASE REWIND."
29. Marilyn Monroe would be 86 now.
30. Jurassic Park is older than Justin Bieber.
31. Nintendo 64 hit the market 16 years ago.
32. Bryan Adams' cult classic song Summer of '69 was released 27 years ago.
33. Kids who you remember in diapers have been posting their own pictures on Facebook.
34. Rudy from The Cosby Show is now 33 years old.
35. Facebook has been around for 8 years.

 At least I can hold on to the fact that I still have no grandchildren.

Submitted to 

Weekend Funnies at My Half Assed Life 

It's A Wonder I Ever Leave Home

I have mentioned in many of my posts that I do not like most people. It's entirely true. It's not that I have a searing hatred for the people I meet, it's just that I don't often see someone that I feel I would like to spend more time with. I do have a few people I like. By few, I mean FEW. As for the rest of the world, I am pretty indifferent to most. However, there is a large percentage of people that I do not like right away and they seem to be everywhere.

One of the people that I develop a dislike for very quickly is the person I don't know that talks to me in public. I will be the first to admit that I have a double standard on this one. If I decide to talk to you, everything is cool. However, I rarely want to talk with the people who try to initiate conversations with me.

It's not that I feel that no one should speak to me. It's just that I have trouble excusing myself from a conversation I did not initiate. If I start a conversation with a stranger at the bank, a restaurant or a fair, I have the ability to step away if the conversation heads south or was not as interesting as I thought it would be. On the flip side, if I was the one approached, I feel trapped when I am done talking.

There is an elderly woman who I run into several days every week. She is incredibly sweet and giving. However, she seems to have no idea how a conversation works. As soon as she sees me, she launches into detailed descriptions of the new job her grandson has, how hard her daughter is working to implement a new program in town, her opinion of a recent news item and dozens of other topics. What she doesn't talk about is anything I might be even remotely interested in hearing about. She also makes no attempt to look for any cues that I am interested in the conversation or even gives me a chance to speak. She will stand in front of my desk and talk for 45 minutes without taking a breath.

I understand that she is an old lady and might be lonely and just wants someone to talk to. I get it, but I also think that after 70-plus years on this earth, she should have developed some acceptable social skills that would make it more tolerable to be in the same room with her. Maybe this is why she's lonely. And uses a cane.

It's not just people that I have to talk to that get under my skin. There are a lot of people that I decide very quickly I don't like and feel no guilt about judging:

• People who block aisles at the store - Every time I walk into Wal-Mart, I run into one of these self-absorbed troglodytes. When I shop, I hug the shelves with my cart to leave the rest of the aisle clear. If I stop to grab something, I only stop for a moment and I stay against the side so other shoppers can get around me. About a third of the shoppers at my local Wal-Mart do not understand this basic concept and/or have no respect for other people. I have witnessed countless people leave their cart in the middle of the aisle while they stare at soup, blocking traffic from both sides. Some of them are rude enough to ignore me when I clear my throat (in case they didn't realize I was there), verbally protest or flip their cart over. These people need to shop online. 
• Anyone who wears a fanny pack - Do I really need to explain?
• People who can't drive - I am amazed at the number of people who don't understand how a turn lane works. The main street through my town is a four-lane road with a turn lane in the middle. Almost daily, I am pulling off a side street, but am trapped behind someone who wants to turn left and will not pull out until traffic is clear on all sides. There is a turn lane in the middle! Pull into the turn lane when this side is clear and then merge into traffic at the next opportunity. The same goes for turning off the main road onto a side street. Get into the turn lane to slow down. Don't impede traffic!
• 
  Stupid people. Especially ones who don't realize they're stupid - Someone needs to do them a service and let them know. In a polite way, of course…and with small words. We don't want to have to explain it again.
• Fork biters - Use your lips to pull food off your fork, don't bite down in it. Not only will it not damage your teeth, but will prevent that horrible screeching/grinding sound that drills into my brain stem and might make me choke you to stop your breathing since that now irritates me too.
• People who try to tell me what I believe. - Whether we are talking about my political party, my church denomination, or policies at my place of employment, don't tell me what I believe. I already know. If for some reason, you have already done this, and I inform you that you are mistaken, STOP IMMEDIATELY and remember who you are talking to. I am the owner of my own mind. I seem to have a talent for finding people that mention the belief or philosophy of a group I am affiliated with. Misinformation happens and I have no problem with that, but when I advise that it is not true, drop it. If I belong to that organization, I will know better than someone who does not.
• People who routinely steer conversations toward their illness or medications - There are genuinely unhealthy individuals. I have no problem with them. The ones I am referring to are the people who use their illness or 'pretended illness' as a way to cry for attention. Plus, the ones who do this the most are usually in the 'pretended illness' category. I know people who have cancer and rarely mention it. I do not need to hear about your newest prescription every time I speak with you. I don't care that you changed doctors. I don't need the details of your latest emergency room visit. I don't mind an update now and then, but do not appreciate a 20 minute conversation about your irritable bowel syndrome every time I see you. And you wonder why I never stop by to visit.
• People who use the phrase, just sayin' - First, I know you were saying it. You just said it. I heard you. You don't need to reaffirm that. Second, it is usually said after the speaker says something they think might not be taken well. The tag at the end doesn't soften the message and just irritates me further. Just sayin'.
• People who offend easily - I cannot stand to talk to a person who makes me feel that I have to watch my every word. There is a huge difference between something being offensive and you being offended. I have offended people just by asking about their family. If that question is so offensive to you, then maybe you should stay at home in a protective little bubble. People have had to defend themselves in court, lost friendships or been fired from their jobs because a comment is taken to be racist, sexist or intolerant. I am not suggesting that people should never get offended. Some things are offensive. However, many people look for something to be offended about and have caused way too much trouble when no offense was intended.
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  Troublemakers who think they are victims - My daughter witnesses this at her school on a daily basis. In junior high, she made the mistake of advising a girl who kept stating how much she hated drama to avoid it. When the girl exploded and started screaming at her, Kirsten tried to point out that drama was being created at that very moment by the girl who claimed she hated it. These are often the same people who use the term haters. Here's a tip: In most cases, if there are a lot of people that don't like you, it's probably you. It's not jealousy.
• Pretty much anyone under the age of 15 - I don't like kids. It's not really a secret.
• People with a sense of entitlement - Unless you actually gave someone a loan, NO ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING!!! The government owes you nothing. Your parents owe you nothing. Your friends owe you nothing. The sooner you realize this, the less you will be disappointed, and the happier you will be.
• People who get mad when they encounter someone of a differing opinion than their own - I know some Democrats who can't be friends with Republicans and vice versa. I've experienced the same with different religious affiliations and fans of different sports teams. Most people are not like this, but there are those idiots who cannot associate with people who have different allegiances than themselves. I actually got into a fight with a friend once who insisted that steaks should be well done. I like mine medium-rare and have no preference as to how his should have been prepared, but my choice was too disturbing to him. This was the same guy who got upset when I didn't take his advice to buy a pickup truck and bought a car instead. People who thought differently than him made him mad. We are not friends anymore. He didn't agree with that decision either.

There are many, many more types of irritating people out there. Believe it or not, despite all the people that get under my skin, I am a very happy person. I think part of it's from the knowledge that I am better than everyone else.

I'm kidding, of course. I am not better than other people...except the fanny packs wearers. I am much better than them.