Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween Prepared

I stated in yesterday's post that I am not a fan of uninvited Trick or Treaters coming to my door. Once again, I have nothing against the practice, but participating is supposed to be optional. Knowing that I will be home tonight, but not planning to run to the door to hand out candy every five minutes, I have gathered a few items from around my house to give to the cretins who choose to knock on my door despite the signals saying "Stay away."

Namely, the unlit porch light and the huge sign on my front door that reads "STAY AWAY!"

For those misguided souls, I have a box beside my door of goodies to hand out so they will not walk away empty handed.
  • Canned beets
  • Subscription card for TIME magazine
  • Bag of clothes originally intended for Goodwill
  • Damaged XBOX 360 controller
  • Empty bottle of True Blood
  • Amway recruitment literature
  • Rolls of Tums
  • Math flash cards
  • Stack of political door hangers
  • A live hamster
  • A dead hamster
  • Keys to '76 AMC Hornet stationwagon
  • Packs of Sweet n' Low for the diabetic children
  • Expired Vicodin
  • Three crayon halves (burnt sienna, fuzzy wuzzy, beaver)
  • Dead Samsung phone battery
  • Dental floss
  • Blockbuster membership card
  • Old issues of TV GUIDE
  • Electrical tape
  • KFC hand wipes
  • A four of clubs 
  • McDonalds' Monopoly board (4 Oriental Place markers included)
  • VHS tape of Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Oldies
  • Assorted blown fuses
  • Ineffective smoke detector
  • Twinkies with the creme filling sucked out
  • Cassette tape of Jefferson Starship
  • Toilet paper tubes
  • Plastic drill index
  • 2 dozen shrinkwrapped Windows NT 3.5 install CDs
  • Ramen noodle flavor packets 
I am hoping that some parent will complain about the treat their child was given. I haven't had a good argument in a while.

Ideally, I won't have to hand out any of these items because people will be decent this year and stay off my porch. For the violators, I am prepared to follow them home and knock on their doors each night during supper until Christmas.


  1. You, sir, are doing your part to spread the joy of Halloween to the next generation. For years they'll tell stories about you in hush tones :D

  2. Good idea but I would be worried that the heavy items (canned goods) would come back through a window.


    1. That is a very good point. I will save those for last.

  3. You could have a little fun with them and pass out fun sized candy wrappers to anyone too dense to understand the porch light rule. You get to eat candy and they take care of the trash for you. Win/win my friend.

    1. I would take the fun sized, cut them in half and them wrap them with tape. That will make it more fun to get to them.

  4. Man! Are you going to give them an option or just go down the list? I'd come just to get the free hamster.

    The live one.

    I have no use for a dead hamster, sir, but a live one? Oh! the possibilities!

    1. I will pick for them. Allowing them to choose would allow for too much interaction. I will toss something in their bag and let them discover what it was later.

  5. Hey, those KFC hand wipes can be a life saver. They work on places other than your hands, ya know!

    1. I love those things. That's why I have so many.

  6. Some kids would go nuts for a Ramen noodle flavor packet, I remember back when the ramen noodles had no flavor.

  7. If they think they should get something from you purely because it's a holiday, show up at their house for all of the gift giving holidays (and your birthday) and demand that you get something as well.

  8. Your box idea sounds like fun to me! (If you really and truly did that, mad respect. If you just thought of it...still good.) I am one of those scour-ers of curbs on heavy trash day, so a box of "unwanted" things would be my cup of tea. I'll take the flash cards, Jefferson starship tape, and the toilet paper tubes for my sis-in-law who is making something with them inspired by Pinterest.

    1. I had all the lights off in my house and the front porch light was off. No one knocked on the door all night, which was what I wanted. I still have the box. I should send it to you.

  9. LOL - SO awesome! I was thinking some kids may really need the flash-cards. But you probably can't tell that at a glance.

    I so wish I'd been there for Halloween.

    1. There's enough kids who can't read, I don't know that any cards will help. If you had been here, you could have held them down while I read them the cards.


Leave a comment. C'MON!!! You're already here. Leave a comment. Don't leave me hanging and wondering if any has ever seen these words. I'll rub your feet.