Friday, September 7, 2012

With Friends Like These...

Image stolen from the Dude Write site.
I don't know where they stole it from.
The dudes over at Dude Write have a slasher theme happening this week (since it is the 13th week) and it immediately reminded me of this story. However, I feel that I have to offer a disclaimer and a warning with this post. First, the disclaimer: I was not present for the following events. It is a story that my brother Trevor has told many times. I have heard heard it so many times, I am sure I can piece it together. Next, the warning: This post might get a bit graphic and since I haven't searched for the images to use with it yet, I don't know how bloody it might get. After the post about playing chicken, reader Marianne requested a heads up before subjecting viewers to such violent images. Even though this post is being written to be linked to the tough guys at Dude Write, there will be women reading as well, so I want to be polite. Be forewarned.



Guys have certain rituals that may not be understood by the fairer species. Everyone has seen a guy punch a friend, casual acquaintance or even a stranger in the arm. The female equivalent would be to hug or jump up and down while screaming. This is just part of the bonding process that allows men to show affection towards each other without losing any appearance of masculinity.

In some contexts, this practice evolves into other forms. Back in the days when I frequented bars, it was not uncommon for a male to talk to another male while discreetly holding the flame of a lighter to the butt of the man he was talking to. Within a few seconds the heat would raise the temperature of the denim to a degree that caused the victim to jump. Then, rubbing his seared rear, he would laugh with his friends as he joked that he had been gotten.

Not all men use the lighter to the butt prank, but they are practitioners of some similar practice that is common among their group of friends. This story is about one of these practices that had evolved into something ridiculously stupid a bit less subtle.

Several years ago, the bar that my brother hung out in was filled with men who had developed the practice of poking each other in the back of the knees. The purpose was quite simple. It was supposed to startle the victim and make him jump so everyone could laugh at him. Ladies, please don't judge. Most men are pretty easily entertained. Drunk men even more so.

The practice was fairly simple. Approach a man standing and talking with other men. Place object to poke him with directly behind one of his knees and then wait for him to step back. When he hits the object, the unexpected sensation causes him to jump and laughter ensues.

It didn't take long for the practitioners of this prank to discover that not just any object would deliver the intended result. For instance, a finger would simply cause the victim to turn around and ask, "What are you doing?" It might even get you punched. Using a pool cue wouldn't get you much more than a smirk. However, something sharp generally got the desired effect. A well-secured toothpick could supply hours of entertainment.

Eventually, someone ingeniously used his pocketknife to get the same result. Since most of these guys always had one on them, it quickly became the tool of choice for this favorite prank. That was how the practice of mixing alcohol and sharp objects came to be commonplace at this particular tavern.

One evening, John whips out his knife to steady it behind the knee of Brad to start the festivities. As he approaches the intended area, Brad jumps back in the midst of the story he is telling. The unexpected action causes the freshly sharpened blade to sink over two inches into Brad's flesh immediately severing an artery.

The blood is spraying out of the new wound and the people standing around are stunned silent as Brad is trying to figure out what just happened. John snaps out of his stupor and grabs some napkins. He and Trevor begin trying to stop the bleeding.

The two of them usher Brad into the bathroom to patch him up, because everyone knows that the restroom is the most sterile place in a bar. Actually, they needed some privacy since they needed to remove Brad's pants to better access the wound.

Once in the privacy of the restroom and Brad's pants were removed, there was nothing to stop the trajectory of the still-spraying blood. Trevor and John had blood on their faces, shirts and all over their arms and hands. It was flowing freely down Brad's legs and they quickly realized they would not be able to fix this.

When you stab your friends, you should be better prepared.

As Brad is attempting to replace his pants, John and Trevor are using entire rolls of paper towels to clean the excess blood off the floor. The mess is everywhere and there are dozens of blood soaked rags littering the floor. John slips in the blood, knocking Trevor and Brad both to the floor covering them in even more sticky mess.

They hear a scream and look up to discover a horrified man clawing to get back out of the bathroom. He had walked in to find what appeared to be three blood covered men (one with his pants around his ankles) fighting on the floor of the bathroom. He thought he was witnessing a murder.

As they help Brad out of the bathroom, John admits that Brad really needs to get to the hospital and tells Trevor to take him. Trevor exclaims, "I'm not taking him to the hospital. YOU stabbed him! You take him."

John was really concerned about getting in legal trouble for stabbing his friend in a bar, so they concocted a story about Brad cutting himself on some sheet metal. Due to loss of blood, Brad was losing consciousness, so they threw water in his face so he could wake up long enough to learn the story. Trevor still insisted that John take Brad himself, but did allow John to use his truck since it was older.

John drove off with his pale friend and Trevor returned to the bar for a much needed drink. However, the bartender handed him a garden hose and sponge while silently pointing toward the bathroom.

Weekend Funnies

30 comments:

  1. Universal truths about men...I heard Einstein was about to postulate and solve the Unified Field theory, when one of his physics buddies knee-poked him. Old Al laughed so hard, he forgot the answer to the greatest riddle in the universe. And so it goes.

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    1. Male revelry is one of the leading reasons mankind has not explored the entire universe.

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  2. Did they laugh about it afterwards?

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    1. Oh, yeah. They love telling the story today.

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  3. Nice.
    Wait, that's not the word I'm looking for. ...
    ...
    Gross? No, that's not it...
    ...um...
    HiLARious! That's the one. I've watched enough CSI (and yes, Dexter too) for me to be able to visualize the scene. SO glad I didn't witness it first-hand though!

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    1. I have experienced my share of bloody scenes. Once the blood really starts flowing, they all look the same.

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  4. Dang, shived by your buddy....not good.

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    1. I have to agree. Well, most of the time.

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  5. Appreciate the head's up this time! Totally didn't stop me from reading & scrolling down, but at least mentally, I was ready for it.

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    1. I was wondering if you would see this. I try to be considerate.

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  6. This was literally a bloody good story.

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    1. Funny, my English friend wouldn't even let me finish the story.

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  7. I'm at work now and read this whole thing with my hand to my mouth. That sounds awful, almost asbad as getting your achiles tendon severed.

    The poor guy... The friends only cared about not getting their cars bloody and getting into trouble.

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    1. They eventually got him there and since Brad was barely conscious for the last half of it, he was not aware of their personal concerns.

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  8. Its all fun and games until someone bleeds out from a severed artery

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    1. As long as they live through it, it can still be fun.

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  9. I see you and Tom Foolery have met. I know him well. Got me into all kinds of trouble as a young man. Bastard!

    Good read, Brett.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. I think he lived close to me. He always seemed to be around.

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  10. How is it that any of you guys are still alive?? Great story. :D

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    1. Luckily, I wasn't around for this one. I dodge the bullet every now and then.

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  11. I guess this event transpired before the invention cell phones and the 911 system.

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    1. Cell phones weren't yet as prevalent as they are today and 911 was an option. I guess they thought they could take care of it on their own.

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  12. I'm here from Dude Write and I'm so glad I visited. I am more comfortable hanging around men than I am women, so I kinda "get this" logic. I worked in construction and auto repair and those men cracked me up. I find it entertaining that the guy in the bathroom was more concerned about getting out than offering assistance - nice LOL And, even more amusing that the bartender made them clean up the mess in bathroom. Great post!

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    1. I don't run the Dude Write site, but I do know that women are more than welcome to visit. Plus, it helps us men to know that we aren't just seen as Neanderthals to the female population. Thanks for giving us a chance and coming by to read me.

      This is one of the many stories that my brother tells. Every time he leaves his house, he gets in the middle of some bizarre situation. I will be telling more of his stories.

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  13. Great post Dude... it was like reading a Tarantino script but funnier... great ending too.
    Looking forward to hearing more of your brothers adventures.

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    1. Thank you. If you click on the topic links of party or stunts you can read some of the crazier adventures.

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  14. It's all fun and games until somebody dies. Or something like that. I keep thinking, we never did anything that crazy! But then I started going over a list of dumb stuff in my head and had to adjust my thinking a bit. Fun and games is why I can't hear as well as I used to. Ya.....good times! :)

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    1. Most people have crazy stories from their youth. I guess we forget them with time...or have blocked them out.

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  15. Cheese and rice, that's a ridiculous series of events. I've been stabbed by a pencil by one of my buddies and have had a piece of graphite in my hand for quite some time now, but I've never witnessed something quite so extreme as this as a result of a prank. Awesome post!

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    1. Thank you. I believe we have all lost the entire content of our bodies blood on numerous occasions.

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Leave a comment. C'MON!!! You're already here. Leave a comment. Don't leave me hanging and wondering if any has ever seen these words. I'll rub your feet.