Thursday, February 28, 2013

Fortune Cookie #7 - Opportunity Knocks

This week I got to visit my favorite restaurant China Buffet #6 which is named #6 because it is the sixth restaurant the owner started and not something cool like the first five were cursed by a Chinese spirit and this is the first one to succeed. As usual, the meal was wonderful and they soon brought us our fortune cookies. I received the following fortune:

When you learn to be flexible, amazing opportunities reveal themselves!

So, the key to opportunity is flexibility? This must be one of those ancient Chinese secrets that are always being whispered about in dark alleys and billiard rooms, because I have never heard this before. I know of many people who are jealous of a dog's flexibility, but I don't believe those are the types of opportunities that are being suggested here. After all, this was a fortune cookie, not a footnote from the Kama Sutra.

And he just happens to be Chinese!
Coincidence? I think not!
As someone who is always looking for amazing opportunities instead of the regular, run-of-the-mill, day-to-day, boring opportunities, I gave this some serious thought. The most flexible person I could think of was that little Chinese dude Yen in Ocean's Eleven. He became a multi-millionaire in that movie and he only had the opportunity to do so because of his flexibility, so there seems to be some truth to this fortune. Flexibility does present opportunity.

I already stretch every morning, so I have a little flexibility, but it is nowhere near the ability of Yen. He spent a third of those movies folded up into some tiny space. I need to do much more than stretch to even begin to reach his level of elasticity.

Being the lazy mentally-driven intellectual that I am, I need to think about this more before I actually start doing anything. Seriously, what types of opportunities are out there. Yen became rich by using his flexibility as part of a criminal crew. I'm not sure that I want to live a life of crime. Criminals have a tendency to be shot by not only the police, but other criminals. I don't think I want to get shot. It would probably hurt.

If the life of a criminal is off the table, then what is left opportunity-wise for the flexible person? Before Yen turned to a life of crime, he was a circus performer. All I can come up with is a life in the circus or performing as a sideshow freak next to the sword swallowers, basketball playing duck, fire eater, yodeling chicken and bearded lady.

Not only would neither of those lifestyles be very glamorous, but I don't imagine they pay very well either. With a little bit of research, I found that the Bureau of Labor Statistics actually keeps track of this sort of thing. According to, contortionists make roughly between $9 and $33 an hour, but those higher paid ones work for places like Cirque de Soleil and everyone knows that getting that type of job relies more on who you know than what you can do.

I have come to the conclusion that this fortune may be true according to the perspective of the people who wrote it, but the Chinese are willing to live in apartments the size of a coffin and work 18 hours a day for $0.43/hour. So, their idea of what qualifies as an amazing opportunity would probably only be mildly tolerable to me.

Once again, I love the China Buffet #6, but have to question the validity of their fortunes.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Test Your Funny Bone #17 - Car Trouble

Only picture of it I could find.
I have only bought a brand new car one time in my life. When I lived in San Juan, I bought a 2001 Suzuki Vitara. We drove that thing all over the island.

Once, while driving through Salinas looking for good seafood, I was following a local's instructions. I turned at an intersection and locked up my brakes because the road only went about 25 feet and then dropped off into the ocean. I didn't realize we were that close to water.

On another occasion, during a weekend excursion, we drove to the other side of the island to see the lighthouse at Cabo Rojo. We had to drive on this narrow strip of rocked road with the salt water immediately on each side to reach the area. It was beautiful, but being Midwestern landlubbers, we hadn't really figured out yet how tides work and why it is so important to pay attention to them. We started back too late and the road was underwater. Apparently, the lighthouse sits on an island in the evenings. I discovered it was only abut 6 inches deep at that point and it was only a quarter mile to get to the other side. I walked in front of the vehicle to be assured of where the road was while my wife drove behind me. We weren't going to get stuck on that island for the night.

Those close calls bring us to this weeks picture for you to caption. I do not know the story behind this picture, but I leave it up to you to decide. Please provide a caption in the comment section.

I will post the captions I received on Friday.

Thank you, have fun, and make us laugh.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Art Appreciation (Funny Bone Results #16)

I am feeling a bit of guilt this week because I have not posted a single time since my caption post on Monday. I try to blog at least once between these. I always hate to make excuses and I am not going to this time either except for one small detail. I am going to make an excuse.

I am down to the last two weeks of my class and I have been subbing more. So, I have been significantly busier this week and I expect the same for next week. I would promise to do better for next week, but I don't want to be a liar.

On to this week's picture - In Monday's post, I had a small rant about how I just don't appreciate some of the so-called art that is out there. I can appreciate talent even if I don't care for the piece. However, some "art" doesn't require any talent. A white canvas with a red square painted in the corner makes me sick when it is hanging on the wall of a museum. Sorry, they taught me how to do that in kindergarten.

The picture I supplied for the week was not that type of art. It is strange, but required an artist to create it. Here is the picture.

I asked my readers to provide a caption or try to explain the piece, but I gave them no information other than it was in Beijing.

Here is the little bit of info I do have about it. This sculpture is on display outside a cafe in the 798 art zone. The cafe used to be a machine tool factory. I know it's not much, but that all I could find.

Here are the submissions I received:

Addman of Muppets for Justice
The effort to teach children about the Tienanmen Square incident went a little off course...

Wily Guy of It's My mind!
Say Halo to My Lil Frien...

Not what she was expecting to see at the first diaper change.

As a professional artist, I think it's a satirical comment regarding neoclassical existentialism and its effect on postmodern humanism. LOL JK it's just a baby with a cock cannon. 

The artist was a 40 year old virgin and his inner child was tired of being repressed. One night after night after getting highly intoxicated, he commissioned this piece.
The inscription reads "Suck it world"

Sandee at Comedy Plus
I think he's just trying to take a dump.

ThePeachy1 of Being Peachy
"Don't act like no one told you YOUR life would REVOLVE around me,
get your a$$ up and feed me!"

"After finally and completely understanding the phallic stereo types, the entire male population of this country spent endless hours to create this commissioned piece that screams,
"we are not over compensating for anything!"

I think it resembles Chairman Mao and probably is meant to portray 
"Our children are born on the backs of communism."

Hestia's daughter
"Buddha for the modern age"

Stephen Hayes of The Chubby Chatterbox

"Sitting on a tank just isn't curing my hemorrhoids.
I think I'll go back to using Preparation H."

Brandie Boddie of Penning Praises

Hmm, I don't know. Let's ask that baby from Family Guy. Seems like something he'd commission. Or maybe that was the artist's inspiration.

"Are Chinese babies getting fatter,
or is that just a teeny-tiny tank due to budget cuts?"

After years of abuse ,that often included being denied bathroom privileges, at the hands of an over-oppressive military father, the artist became disillusioned with the world. The baby represents his self as an angry child and the tank represents his now empowered self.

The expression on the baby's face is clearly saying, "Pi$$ on you all!"

Winopants of Wino on a Ramble

"Baby penis go BOOM!"

I think the artist is trying to say that dictators need to wave their military might around to compensate for their fragile egos and tiny pee pees.

Thar she blows!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Test Your Funny Bone #16

I love art. I enjoy going to museums and admiring the talent of the people who create the pieces on display. Whether it is paintings, sculptures, glass blowing, whatever. I just love looking at the creativity. Plus, I love learning and am happy to read about the artists and what inspired them to create a particular piece. However, despite all this, I have to admit that this doesn't mean that I always 'get it.'

The Mona Lisa, despite being a boring piece to look at, is obviously art and took talent to create, but not all things that are considered art require any talent at all. I was at the Museum of Modern Art in New York City a few years ago and there was an entire floor dedicated to the art of one particular artist. As soon as we walked in, I noticed the naked man and woman standing in the corner facing each other. That was one piece of her art.

There was video footage playing of a woman holding a loaf of bread over a human skull. Nothing happened, she just stood there. In another room, there was a naked woman lying on a table with a skeleton lying on top of her. This was an actual woman, not a sculpture. According to the placard, it was supposed to represent how we should learn to embrace our own mortality. Another piece was an old woman and young girl sitting back to back with their hair tied together.

I'm sorry. I just don't get it and I really don't understand why people give her money to do this. I could do this. Much of what people call art is nothing and I just don't understand the obsession with it. I feel like I need to find a way to cash in on this, but I don't think I am pretentious enough. I don't believe I would want to hang around with all those art snobs anyway.

Sometimes, I may not 'get' a piece I am looking at, but can at least respect the talent that went into its creation. There is some strange stuff out there, and some of it is derived from incredible talent, while other stuff is not. I am not just saying this about pieces I don't like. It doesn't take talent to put broken glass on a newspaper and say that it represents urban decay. (I've actually seen this.) Some of those 'artists' just know how to play the game to make some money. Other artists are incredibly talented, but work in strange ways (butter carving, painting with penis, using blood as paint, etc). Despite any of this, I am obviously not cultured enough to be a part of the art world. Plus, I believe being successful as an artist involves schmoozing a lot of people at showings and I just can't tolerate most people that long.

One of the things that I have discovered is that a lot of art isn't so much about the talent poured into it as it is about the message that it is trying to portray. This is what brings us to our picture for the week.

This statue portraying a baby on a tank can be found in Beijing, China. Here is what I would like you to do. In the comment section, share your interpretation of this piece of artwork. There was definitely talent involved in creating this piece, but what was the artist trying to say?

Is it commemorating a particular event?
Is it speaking out against some social injustice?
Is it trying to raise awareness about a certain cause?

Leave your interpretation of this sculpture in the comment section and I will post all of your answers on Friday. As usual, this is not a serious exercise and I challenge you to make us laugh.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Kiss My Asteroid

I am not what you would call a worrier. People have called me other things:

four eyes
smart a**

But never a worrier. I tend to not get too worked up about things. Even when everyone else is in panic mode because a buffalo trampled the neighbor's car, I find myself wondering if I still have any pizza in the freezer for tonight…and if buffalo flesh would make good pepperoni.

AMC! This is not a joke!
However, if I ever decided to become someone who does that…and by 'that' I mean panic, not someone who makes pepperoni out of buffalo butt…I figure there actually is plenty to worry about. The unemployment rate is higher than it was during the Great Depression, Burger King has been serving its unsuspecting customers horse meat, Nickelback is about to start touring again, the New Madrid fault line could cause a massive earthquake in the Midwest at anytime, Daryl has left the group to rejoin his loser brother Merle, America-hating North Korea is developing nuclear weapons, every year there is a new supervirus threatening to wipe us out, Breaking Bad is in its last season and our own satellites fall out of the sky.

AND as if all these things here weren't bad enough, now even outer space is trying to kill us. Have you seen this video?

This video says there were no confirmed injuries, but since then about 1,100 have been reported. Then, just a few hours later, a football stadium sized asteroid buzzes by the earth. It came within 17,150 miles. All the space geeks were trying to control their excitement since this was the closest a rock of that size has ever been recorded.


They got that excited about a rock that flew right by us when just 16 hours earlier, we had one that was over 17,000 miles closer. While the one that flew by couldn't even be seen by the naked eye. The one in in Chelyabinsk, Russia couldn't be missed. It shattered windows, caused structural damage, injured over a thousand people and left a crater.

On top of that, the scientists say these two events are unrelated. UNRELATED!!!

Consider this scenario: If you live within a mile of a large zoo and one day you come home from work to find an Asian elephant giving birth in your swimming pool while a kangaroo is molesting your birdbath, are you going to assume someone's pets got out of their cage and jumped your fence or there must be a circus in town missing an opening act?

No! Your first thought is going to be the zoo…and you would be right.

We have a huge rock hurtle by our planet closer than most of the orbiting satellites we put in space. That never happens. Like never. Less than 24 hours before that event, a rock falls out of the sky and sucker punches Russia. How often does that happen? Almost never. These two events happen within a day of each other and they are unrelated. I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.

I'm just waiting for aliens to come crawling out of that crater in Russia, give the all clear and then the 'rock' that sailed by will return and actually come down this time, buy up all the Iraqi currency and disappear again until it has risen in value to equal the Kuwaiti dinar and then retire in Florida as multi-gajillionaires. The massive stacks of funds they bring into the area combined with their delicate digestive system will cause Jamba Juice stock to skyrocket. However, due to their implorable table manners and noxious body odor, human retirees will relocate to New Orleans causing it to become the osteoporosis and Viagra capital of the United States. Jazz dies out and the Saints relocate to Omaha, Nebraska.

Having nothing to do in Nebraska but eat corn and concentrate on their games, the team wins the next five consecutive Super Bowls. Other teams take notice of this winning strategy and begin to relocate to cities with less amenities. The Chicago Bears move and become the Boise Spuds. The Philadelphia Eagles cross the country to Walla Walla, Washington and the Patriots renounce their citizenship, move to Canada and become champion Olympic curlers.

Their subsequent gold medal causes curling to become the national past time and ESPN jumps on the bandwagon and only televises similar sports. Twenty-four hours a day of curling, shuffleboard, and bridge tournaments. The alien retirees, no longer intimidated by the slow and quiet lifestyle that has spread through the country begin to spread to other states opening Jamba Juice franchises in every major city.

The overabundance of juice being made creates a fruit shortage and the entire country gets scurvy due to a lack of vitamin C. The scurvy-driven joint stiffness causes our world class curlers to lose the Olympic gold medal to the Russians whose team training has been financed by the wealthy aliens now residing in our borders and destroying our society from within.

Now, too weak for us to do anything about it, the Russians admit that they invited the aliens here and this was part of their master plan all along. They become the world superpower and the United States sinks to the rating of a fifth world country (two spots below third world status) and the aliens move to China leaving empty Jamba Juices all over the country going bankrupt. We later turn them into museums and memorial centers, but they are only visited by hobos looking for a place to stay for the night.

Folks, these flying space rocks will be the downfall of our entire society, unless we pass and enforce stricter immigration laws to keep those aliens out.

I am not a worrier. I have a plan.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Funny Bone Results #15

For 15 weeks in a row, I have offered my readers the chance to show off their funny sides. Every week, we have received some great submissions.

Last Monday, I presented the following picture for you to supply a caption for. I received 15 captions from 13 different readers. The captions follow the picture. Only one person went for the whole ginger "they have no soul" hating route.

Neal Call of Raised by my Daughter
  • Introduce Shakespeare to your kids at your own risk. For every "Much Ado About Nothing," you've also got a "Titus Andronicus."
  • Groupies. Even Sweeney Todd has them. 

When little Annie said she wanted a Barbie cake for her birthday, this was not what she had in mind.

Ann Bennett

Help,I've fallen and I can't get out!

"Young Carol's parents didn't know that she was gathering vocational ideas, at the time."

Stephen Hayes of The Chubby Chatterbox

"Someday if I'm lucky maybe I'll get a job where I get to jump out of a cake."

Sandee of Comedy Plus

Even that doll is prettier than I am.
What where they thinking when they made this cake?
I hate blondes.
Have a fabulous day. :)

I'm so excited..*yawn*...a barbie cake...think I'll bite it's head off and feed the decapitated body to the dog. 

Shane Morgan of In Shane's Brain

"Don't look up but I think that beef cake is checking me out"

Red of Doesn't Speak Klingon (my sweetie)

I wanted "Red Velvet Barbie"... she wears a red velvet dress, not a red velvet cake. Bleah.

Winopants of Wino on a Ramble

The travails of raising a ginger:
"But mommy, that's just plastic. When can I get a real soul for my birthday?"

Shannon of the Squeaky Wheel Blog

Marla's parents didn't exactly know how to tell their daughter that ginger girls don't get beautiful dresses to wear to dances they probably wouldn't be invited to anyway, so they opted to show her instead.

Oh Aunt Arlene, it looks just like me...beautiful.

  • Jackie really was not loving her mother's sample of how her debutant gown would look.

  • Even at the tender age of 10, Penny knew red was not a good color for her, even on a cake.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

May I Finish, Please?

Finish the Sentence Friday
This post was written in preparation for "Finish the Sentence Friday." I know it is not Friday yet, but each week, Kate gives a heads up on what the sentence for the next week will be. I wasn't really interested in last week's prompt, but I knew exactly what I would be writing about when I saw the prompt for the following week and I will link up as soon as her blog is ready for it. Here is her sentence to finish:

I get so frustrated when…

I get so frustrated when…people interrupt me.

I will have to explain this one, especially since it doesn't always bother me. It is only frustrating when it happens under certain conditions.

Most people don't like to be interrupted when they're speaking. We are taught from a very young age that it is impolite. Cutting someone off mid-sentence is right up there with chewing with your mouth open, staring or pointing at people, calling someone names, and putting your penis elbows on the dinner table. It is just not something you are supposed to do. However, it seems to happen with the same frequency as Charlie Sheen calling his coke dealer.

I am fully aware that as much as I hate having this done to me, I am not totally innocent. I have been known to do it as well. However, I do try to keep myself in check and hopefully don't do it very often. Truthfully, the people that don't do it often I really don't even notice. The times I do notice is particularly when I have a story I am trying to tell or have something I really want to contribute to the conversation, but for some reason the other person just won't let me say it…even after several attempts.

Years ago, I was married to a woman who had this bad habit. After coming home from work, I would try to tell her something about my day. As soon as I would start, I might get cut off with a suggestion for us to out for dinner that night. I would reply and then start my story again. After a sentence or two, she would ask if I remembered to pick something up from town. I would answer and then get back to my story. After about the fifth time of being cut off, I would give up.

This happened often enough that I felt like a jerk when I would sometimes explode and burst out, "Are you going to let me tell my story or not!" She would then look at me surprised and say, "Sure. Go ahead." Apparently, she had no idea she was doing it. I sought a new way to try to let her know without actually saying anything so we could both save face. I tried several tactics.
  1. Continue speaking - When cut off, just keep talking like it never happened. This is difficult since you don't want to have a reaction when it first happens. You just want to continue on naturally. 
    • Benefits - You get the satisfaction of knowing that you have easily communicated what they have done without saying anything to them about it.
    • Drawbacks - Your story isn't really being heard until they realize what is happenning and stop talking. Then they missed the first part and you may not be understood. Also, they end up looking like a jerk if done in a crowd.

  2. Start over -When interrupted, politely stop talking and wait your turn again. Regardless of the direction they have taken the conversation, start your story over again (from the beginning). Do this every time you are cut off and always restart, do not just pick up where you left off.
    • Benefits - You may get to deliver your entire thought in one piece the way you intended it.
    • Drawbacks - You end up sounding like a babbling idiot.

  3. Talk louder - When you get interrupted, just keep talking (see #1), but raise your voice to talk over the person that has interrupted you.
    • Benefits - You don't have to start over and you get to finish your thought.
    • Drawbacks - You look like a jerk.
I tried every one of these with no success. It was noticed that I was doing it and it usually only succeeded in making her mad. I even explained why I was doing it, but nothing worked. Plus, another drawback to each of these practices was the mental removal of myself from the actual conversation. I started concentrating on the game rather than the words she was saying. Also, once I got into the habit of employing one of these techniques, it had a way of getting used outside the privacy of my home as well. I gave up on the talk louder technique when I raised my voice to talk over my boss when he had interrupted me at work. I didn't mean to, but I had developed the habit. My explanation to him didn't seem to help matters.

Today, when someone cuts me off, I just go back to telling my story when it is my turn again. I don't even notice until about the third or fourth time it has happened in the same conversation. I have learned that it is even more rude to tell someone they have interrupted you than it is to interrupt someone. After several attempts at trying to tell the same story, I just give up. In fact, I usually just excuse myself from the entire conversation.

Of course, then they want to know why I am being so quiet. In these situations, I have also learned that it doesn't really help to ask them why they won't let you speak, but are also concerned when you don't. I have yet to figure out how to properly navigate this conversational maze.

They look very attentive.
I sometimes wonder if it might be beneficial for society to adopt the conch shell method from Lord of the Flies. The one holding the shell gets to speak. When it is passed to someone else, then they may have their turn. Only the person holding the shell gets to talk and anyone who starts speaking without the shell is reprimanded by the entire group. The method seemed to work for them…until they started running naked through the jungle, bashed Piggy's head in with a rock, and started killing each other for sport. We may need to figure out where things went wrong, but it was a good system for a little while.

In the meantime, I will use my favorite go-to method of dealing with people most of the time…I will avoid them. I don't seem to have these problems when I am sitting at home.

This week's post also correlates to the writing prompt supplied by Something Clever 2.0 for its Theme Thursday post. This week's theme: Pet Peeves.

That worked out pretty well. Knocked out the themes for two different linkups in one post.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Test Your Funny Bone #15

The rules are pretty simple. I supply the picture and you give me your funniest caption to go with it. Leave your caption in the comment section and I will repost the picture on Friday with all the responses.

Here is the picture.

Show us how funny you are.
Make us laugh.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Funny Bone Results #14

The following picture was provided in my Monday post and I asked my readers to supply their funniest caption. We had more entries this week than ever before. The captions given immediately follow the picture.

Thanks for playing and watch for a new picture on Monday.

Ash-matic of Ash-Matic Does Things
When I told these guys to look both ways when crossing the road, they thought I meant "cool" and "ridiculous".

Christi - (3 captions)
One of these things is not like the others.
 Future so bright gotta wear shades!

Spike to Fido "Can you believe that guy is back... Do you really think he thinks he is one of us?... Maybe we can get him to pee on a tire."  

Shane Morgan of In Shane's Brain
Snoop's younger brother Woodstock and his K-Blinds never really caught on.

After 15 years of speculation, we finally know who let the dogs out.

Yo, dog! No seriously, yo dog...check them out.

VinnyC of As Vinny C's It
Never willing to let a disability keep them from having a good time, the gang decided take their seeing-eye human out for a night on the town.

He let the dogs out.

Winopants of Wino on a Ramble
What? How come I'm the only one who can't Snoop-morph tonight? Now I feel ridiculous...

This yellow shirt is helping me blend like a ninja 

Malcolm, after being orphaned as a child, was taken in by the family pet and raised as one of their own.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Awards Fairy Gets Even

I just got home from a long day sitting in a court room. Judges are as bad as doctors. They give you a time to be there and then make you sit for hours before they call your name. Plus, I couldn't get anyone to tell me why I was there.

A few weeks ago, I received a subpoena to testify in court against Cecil Dungliteur. Since I have no idea who this or any other Cecil is, I called the circuit clerk's office to find out what this was all about. They looked up the file and assured me that I was the correct person. I explained to them that I had never heard of Cecil Dungliteur, but they only responded by explaining to me the penalty for not showing up when issued a subpoena.

Despite a scheduled 10:00 court appointment, I never heard the name Cecil until about 2:45. Upon hearing that name, I looked up from my Angry Birds and realized I did know this guy. I had just never learned his name. I had only known him as the Awards Fairy. We have met several times and despite the blogging awards he always brings me, it has never been a pleasant experience.

Past Awards Fairy Experiences:
The Awards Fairy Came By
Return of the Awards Fairy
Awards Fairy Detox
The Awards Fairy Strikes Again
The Awards Fairy Is Still At It
The Awards Fairy is Foiled

I was glad to get to finally see him in court to get some justice, but was still a bit perturbed that I hadn't been forewarned that this was why I was here. I wasn't prepared.

As they started reading the charges against him (all of which had been prompted by my repeated call to the police), he and his lawyer began to smile as they shook their heads. When finished, the State's Attorney asked if he had anything he wanted to say. The fairy Mr. Dungliteur responded that he was only doing his job. He stated that the first time he met the plaintiff (me), I had invited him into my house.

That was true, but I didn't know that he wouldn't leave.

He also stated that I had bought him a pizza, let him crash on my couch a few times, and use my phone while he was there.

All those things had happened, but I didn't let him. He just did them and I couldn't get him to leave.

I interjected, "What about the time the police showed up as you were trying to break into my house?"

His lawyer piped up, "My client claims he was just dropping some awards off to you through an already open window."

I yelled, "That's not true!"

Cecil spoke up for the first time, "Did you find anything missing?"

"Well, no, but that is only because they caught you before you did anything."

Then the judge threatened me with contempt if I interrupted the proceedings again, so I sat there silently as the lawyer explained away every contact I had ever had with the the Awards Fairy. He claimed I had invited him to stay. He said that the items he had stolen from me had either given to him or lied about ever having them to begin with.

When they did finally put me on the stand, I was asked if I enjoyed receiving the awards and did I always accept them when offered by the Fairy. I answered that I did. The lawyer then shook his finger in my face and accused me of not always following the rules of the awards given to me.

The judge said, "I find it quite arrogant, Mr. Minor, that you want to hold Mr. Dungliteur accountable when you don't even follow the rules yourself. We have found on three different occasions when awards were given to you and you did not pass them on to as many other bloggers as required. For one of those awards, you didn't pass it on at all."

I tried to reason with them, "Are you serious? A person can only read so many blogs. Some of those awards require you to pass them on to as many as eleven other bloggers. ELEVEN!!! How am I supposed to pass on that many awards when I may have just passed awards to as many as twenty people just a few weeks before that. I can't just keep giving them to the same people over and over."

The lawyer bellowed, "So, you just thought you would keep them all for yourself!"

I pleaded, "No. Some of those awards are popping up all over the place. The Liebster, for instance, I have won a half dozen times, as have several other people. That one pops up everywhere. I thought I would thin it out a little bit."

The judge wagged his finger at me and said, "We don't just get to decide to do things however we want. Rules are in place to keep society from erupting into chaos and it is people like you that keep trying to pull us back into the Stone Age when men bashed women over the head and drug them back to their caves. Is that what you want, Mr. Minor, to be able to hit women with clubs?"

I blurted out, "WHAT?!? No, I just..."

The judge pounded his gavel and said, "Based on the testimony brought to light here, I find the defendant, Cecil Dungliteur, not guilty. As for Mr. Minor, I am placing you on 24 months probation. If you break even one blogging rule in the next two years you will immediately be found guilty on all counts."

"On all counts of what? I haven't been charged with anything."

(gavel pounds again) "Court adjourned."

As the judge walked to his chambers, I sat there trying to decipher what had just happened. The lawyer walked up to me with a smirk and tossed two envelopes in my lap. He said, "Try not to mess this up or we'll be seeing you again."

I opened the first envelope and found an invoice from Vinny C of As Vinny C's It. Vinny had awarded me the Tanned Hide Award.

Since I was now being threatened with jail time, I figured I had better familiarize myself with the rules for accepting this award. According to Vinny, I have to say who I think deserves to be put over a knee to be punished. He also said that this is not a kinky thing, but is meant to be a well-deserved punishment. I also have to pass the award on to up to three bloggers that I deem worthy of this award. Please note that it did not say three. It said up to three. That means I could give it to one or two and still be compliant with the judge's orders.

The person I believe needs their hide tanned - Years ago, I worked as a salesmen at a cellular company. I was good at my job and had even gotten Salesman of the Quarter once. That award was for top sales in the entire company. However, I worked in the office with the woman who normally got that award. She got the award in a more devious way than I did. She had a way of stealing sales. She was adept at finding ways to make one of us busy so she could grab the customer and since her sales were so high corporate really didn't like to get on to her. Even when one of us would complain, nothing would be done because she made them too much money.

Her and I did not get along even before I was in sales and she found ways to make me miserable. The final straw before I quit was when she suddenly decided to bring scented candles into the office. I am allergic to artificial scents and when I brought this to her attention, she just smiled. The next day she brought in more. I went to our supervisor to explain the problem with the candles and she said that nice smells are part of a pleasant sales environment that I should get used to.

I didn't want to be the guy that threatened legal action, especially since I was on my way out in a few weeks anyway, but was appalled that they were willing to put the health of one of their employees at risk just to keep another employee happy. It has been almost 10 years and I still get angry when I run into either one of those two women. I would love for both of them to get the tanned hide.

Passing this onto these bloggers

Outlaw Mama - She actually has a law degree, so hopefully won't question the accuracy of my courtroom story.

Lily at Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose - I have been reading Lily for a long time and can't wait to hear who she would want to spank.

That takes care of that award. I followed the rules and can't get into trouble for it. I opened up the second envelope and found a familiar award. It was the same one I mentioned to the judge as having been everywhere and here it was again. The Liebster award had been sent to me by The Real Yetisaurus.

Here are the rules:
  1. Each blogger should post 11 random facts about themselves.
  2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, and then create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.
  3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.
  4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.
  5. No tag backs.

Ugh! This one has so many. First, the 11 random facts.

  1. My daughter likes to tell people that I beat her.
  2. I was once part of a huge Halloween maze/scavenger hunt. When the kids got to the end, they found me dressed up as Waldo from Where's Waldo?
  3. I don't care for the Godfather movies.
  4. My Kindle is my new favorite toy.
  5. Just yesterday, I drug my daughter into the ARMY recruiter and asked if I could sign her up even if she didn't want to go. They said no. This actually happened.
  6. One weekend while living in San Juan, I decided we would take a road trip to the highest point on the island. We found it and it had several radio towers that gave off enough electromagnetic energy that our vehicle would not start again.
  7. I believe most band-aids are only used to cover up a kid's melodramatic BS.
  8. Tyra Banks scares me.
  9. I was once standing outside during a tornado to get the best view of the storm and witnessed a grain silo roll by. I decided it was time to go inside.
  10. I was disappointed in this year's Super Bowl commercials.
  11. I almost drowned in a wave pool once and due to excitement around me no one knew it was happening. I won't get in them now.

Here are the questions I have to answer:

1.  Have you ever shot milk out of your nose?  
In the part of the country that I was raised in, shooting fluids from your face is considered to be rude. So, yeah.

2.  If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?  
Easy. Anything I wanted.
3.  What's the most embarrassing wardrobe malfunction you've ever had, and where did it happen to you?  
Just a few weeks ago, I reached in my closet to get a shirt and the closet shelf collapsed dumping my entire wardrobe onto the closet floor.

4.  Tyrannosaurus Rex or Velociraptor?   
Velociraptor is ok, but it's a bit stringier than I like. Tyrannosarus is better, but has a strong iron taste. If I could have my pick, I would choose Pterodactyl wings over either of them.
5. What's the most important thing you've ever learned that someone else taught you?  
When someone shouts, "DUCK!" don't look around to find out why. Just do it.

6.  What's the most important thing you've ever learned that you discovered yourself?  
It happened in San Juan. I learned that CUIDADO CALIENTE is Spanish for CAUTION: HOT.

7.  How long can you hold your breath?
I am not sure, so I'll time it.........OK, I just woke up on the floor and my watch says that I started 36 minutes ago. So, it's sometime less than 36 minutes.

8.  What are you most afraid of?
I've covered this one. Growing old. However, I have since bought a gun, so it should be alright.

9.  Have you ever accidentally glued something to something else?  
I once filled the inner rim if a hat with super glue before handing it to someone, but that wasn't much of an accident. I have glued my fingers together more times than I can count.

10.  Have you ever punched someone in the face?  
My brother once bet me that he could beat me at arm wrestling. When he started to win, I punched him in the face with my other hand. He still beat me.

11.  If you had to live 200 years in the past or 200 years in the future, which would you pick?
I love technology and can't imagine having to go back to before computers, televisions, and telephone, so I would go to the future. However, not knowing how the new stuff works, I would probably then be miserable and feel stupid, so I would have to choose 200 years in the past. However, since I don't know how to hunt, start a fire, or saddle a horse, I would probably feel stupid. Can I just go back a few weeks to make some better decisions?

Here are the bloggers I am passing this on to
  1. jamierhawkins
  2. Wino on a Ramble
  3. Kianwi at Simply She Goes
  4. Kate at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine with My Morning Quiet Time?
  5. Joe at Living in Kellie's World
  6. Linda Roy at Mod Mom Beyond Indiedom
  7. Lori Hokie at The Next Step
  8. Leanne Moffat at One Odd Duck
  9. Rachael's Insane Rants and Bizarre Musings
  10. Gossip Grl at ~*~Whatever~*~...
  11. Michael DAgostino at The World as I See It

Here are the questions for you to answer:
  1. What the "World's Biggest" thing (ball of yarn, wind chime, etc) you would love to see?
  2. If you could have any animal hybrid (fox-eagle, elephant-turkey, etc) as a pet, what would you choose?
  3. What children's educational programming show gets on your nerves the most?
  4. What is your most embarrassing misunderstood song lyric story?
  5. What corporation would would love to be the CEO of and why?
  6. If you killed a clown, where would you hide the body?
  7. What superhero sidekick do you most identify with?
  8. What button on your TV remote control gets the most use?
  9. What is your social security number?
  10. How would you define the word kleftenarian?
  11. What song title best describes your relationship with your neighbors?
As far as I can tell I have met the requirements of the court order. Congratulations to all of you who received the award. Please participate and if ever asked, testify on my behalf.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Test Your Funny Bone #14

It's the time of the week again when we get to see how funny my readers are. I supply the picture and you supply the caption to go with it.

For the last several weeks, any time I come across a strange picture I save it for possible use later. I have so many saved up, I've been having trouble deciding which ones to use. My daughter helped out this week and chose this picture.

Leave your funniest caption in the comment section and I will post the caption on Friday.


Super Bowl XLVII
Baltimore Ravens 34
San Francisco 49ers 31

Sunday, February 3, 2013


Finish the Sentence FridayThis post is in response to the Finish the Sentence Friday prompt from the blog Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine. Every week, Kate offers the first half of a sentence and gives bloggers the opportunity to finish the thought.

This week's sentence:

When it comes to reality TV shows, I...

When it comes to reality TV shows, I have to say, "I just don't get it."

I am not saying anything against the people who watch these shows and I will not try to make the claim that I have never watched any of them. I did watch the first season of Survivor and I watched one season of American Idol. It was the year that Jordin Sparks won and Blake Lewis did an incredible rendition of Bon Jovi's You Give Love a Bad Name, but I vowed never to do that again. I enjoyed it, but it was on four nights a week! It took up too much of my time.

I won't go as far as to say that they are all part of what many call trash TV (although some of them definitely are), but I really don't understand their popularity. Especially when so many of them are obviously staged. Even if we had never learned of the reshoots and intentional situations created on Survivor, some of these shows are just ridiculous.

The very idea that we are expected to believe that filming the day of a tow truck driver/repo man should be entertaining would already be insulting enough. However, the creators of Lizard Lick Towing decided to insult their potential audience even more by depicting every collection as a possible life or death situation.

I am sure that most repo men have a few good stories, but these guys get into a fist fight in almost every episode. In the show, they have had their windows shot out by deer hunters, been assaulted by a naked man, and even had to fight off a ninja. That's right…A NINJA!!! You don't see that every day and I think there is a reason for it. Ninjas aren't just running around on the streets and when they are around, they like to stay in the shadows. They don't just jump in front of the camera for a nationally syndicated show.

Some shows make sense. COPS has been running since March 1989 and will be showing its 850th episode this season. Following police officers around to see what their day is like…I get it. The same for the copycat shows Alaska State Troopers and Border Wars, but do we really need a show about process servers and meter maids? I have seen both of these.

Other professions just don't need their own show. There are shows about lumberjacks, truck drivers, bounty hunters, babysitters, funeral home directors, pawn shop owners, house flippers, costume designers, bar owners, auto mechanics, lifeguards, tattoo artists, and many others. I'm just waiting to see a show about the trials and tribulations of pizza delivery drivers or office temps. To really get some ratings, someone need to do a reality show about a reality show production crew. Can you imagine the hardships they have to endure as they put up with some of these reality stars?

Sometimes a show is really well made and gets a decent audience. American Pickers has a large following without creating any crazy antics to drive ratings. Deadliest Catch has kept its integrity by just showing the lives of people in that profession without scripting. However, the most popular shows seem to be of a different genre. This is where the 'trash TV' comes in.

I have actually helped clean out houses in this condition
The American audience seems to get a kick out of watching the dysfunction of other people. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves. The stars of the Jersey Shore are fully aware of the laughing stock that they are, but they are making a lot of money and thousands of people tune in every week. The same goes for the cast of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, any of the Housewives of…shows, MTV's Real World type shows and Mob Wives. If you want a real look at dysfunction to help you feel superior to someone else try out shows like My Strange Addiction or Hoarders (I actually enjoy this one. It's disgusting, but I can't look away).

These shows are everywhere and take up a huge percentage of television programming today. They even have their own channel (TruTV). They are so popular, I don't think they're going anywhere for a while. Maybe I could petition TLC to do a reality show about bloggers and make a little money.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Funny Bone Results #13

For Monday's post, I provided my readers with the following picture and asked them to try to guess what Col. Sanders and Alice Cooper might possibly be discussing.

Col. Sanders & Alice Cooper

Here are the entries I received:

No, Alice. As much as I like saving money, biting the heads off bats and deep frying them will not pass off as chicken wings.

Misty of Misty's Laws
A little known fact . . . Alice Cooper actually worked for the Colonel. The Colonel would provide chickens to Alice, and he would proceed to bite off all the heads prior to their battering and deep frying. It truly was a symbiotic relationship.

Vinny C of As Vinny C's It
"Now, Alice, I'm sure you're a nice person & all. But when I agreed to go on this blind date you have to understand I had different expectations when I heard the name "Alice".

Winopants of Wino on a Ramble
They are discussing the possible use of Alice's rabid fans to pull apart chickens, vs using well trained factory workers to do the same job. Alice could throw a chicken to the crowd, and it would come out near the back door in pieces.

Eww. I just grossed myself out. I wish this wasn't based on real events.

Stacie of Snaps & Bits
They are discussing whether original or extra crispy goes better with beer.

Stephen Hayes of The Chubby Chatterbox
"No, Alice; marijuana isn't one of the secret spices."

Damyanti of Daily (w)rite and Amlokiblogs
You weren't quite what I was expecting when I heard the name Alice!

"Well, Alice, Kentucky beer, would be a great addition to the menu, but being a family restaurant and the fact that a liquor license would cost a fortune, going to have to pass."

Shane Morgan of In Shane's Brain
Col: You know, Alice, you really sucked in "Wayne's World."
Alice: Yup. (swigs beer)

'he's smiling that creepy smile again isn't he? right behind me? can you distract him please? well, how should i know, pop the head off a baby doll and stick a snake in there. what? i don't KNOW, it just seems like the kind of thing he would like.' 

My Conversation
Honestly, Alice, I've never tried it. I would imagine they could be prepared the same way. Original recipe or extra crispy. Sure, it could be done, but bats are mammals and chickens are birds. I don't think they would taste the same. 

Thank you to all of you who played. I will have a new picture posted Monday. Have a great weekend.