H - Horror - #AtoZChallenge

"Janie, dear, you know this is not allowed. You have to find another way."

"Sorry, Mom. I don't have time to sort it out. It'll be alright. I'll be back first thing in the morning. Sorry. Bye."

Jake's grandma growled as his mom pulled away. She was pissed, but she would never say anything against his parents. Not to him, at least.

Jake's grandparents lived in a small retirement village on the edge of town. He had been there a few times, but was never allowed to spend the night. Apparently, the management of the village had some very strict rules about overnight guests. And children were not allowed to be there at all after dark. It was supposed to be a quiet place for the old people to enjoy retirement with no disturbances.

Or pets.
Or noise.
Or bright colors.
Or "inappropriate" clothes.
Or fun.

Jake had never really liked going there. He loved his grandparents, but not going to their house There was nothing to do there and anything that began to resemble fun got shut down quickly. Usually, all it took was for him or his brother Chip to laugh and they would get dirty looks. His grandma and grandpa always seemed really nervous when he or his brother were there and Grandma always worried they would get them in trouble.

"It's supposed to be a peaceful place," Grandpa would remind them.

They were fun when they came to Jake's house. When his mom got stuck with unexpected night shifts, one or both of the grandparents would come to their house to stay with them. Those nights were great. They stayed up later than Mom usually let them and Grandma always baked a big cake. Grandpa would make them laugh with his jokes and they had a lot of fun.

But Jake was dreading tonight. Chip was lucky. He was out camping on a Boy Scout trip. Jake was in a hotel with his Mom when this shift got dropped on her. With no time to find a solution, she threw some clothes in a bag and they raced to the grandparent's house. She dropped him off and was gone before Grandma could object too much.

Jake and his grandparents couldn't just go back to Jake's house because it was being fumigated. He probably had a dozen friends who he could have stayed with, but his mom said she didn't have time to make the phone calls to find a place. He was going to have to stay with Grandma and Grandpa.

When his grandpa got home, he was very surprised to see Jake. When his grandma explained, she said "we should all go to a hotel for the night." The village was very serious about people violating the rules.

Grandpa said, "We can't tonight. Remember? We have to be here."

Grandma looked over at Jake and apologized.

It was already getting dark. Grandpa wheeled the TV into their bedroom and told Jake he would be sleeping in there tonight. "Go brush your teeth," he said.

"What? It's barely 7 o' clock."

Grandpa shot Jake a stern look he had rarely seen before. Grandpa reminded him that they were not at Jake's house. They were at Grandma and Grandpa's house and  violating the rules of their housing complex. They would not take any chances on anyone knowing he was there. So, he was to go to their bedroom and watch TV. He could watch as late as he wanted (with the volume so low he couldn't hear it), but he was to stay in there. Grandma said they would make it up to him next week.

Grandpa started making a pallet on the floor of their living room for them to sleep on. Jake felt bad for them to sleep on the floor and offered to do it, but Grandma ushered him in to the bedroom. She gave him a bottle of water and a kiss on the forehead and reminded him how important it was to be very quiet and not get them in trouble. They liked their little community and did not want to lose it.

Jake watched TV for a while, but Grandpa said he was not to turn it up which meant he couldn't really hear it. He laid with his head at the foot of the bed to be closer. That helped a little, but not enough. Just staying in a dark room with nothing to do got boring and Jake fell asleep.

A few hours later, he woke up and used their bathroom, but was really thirsty. He had already drunk all the water Grandma gave him. He needed more, but knew they couldn't drink the tap water here. He needed a new bottle out of the fridge. Jake knew he wasn't supposed to leave the room, but was sure he could be quiet.

Jake left the room on his hands and knees because he didn't want anyone outside to see him there and get his grandparents in trouble. He crawled into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door. The light lit up the whole room and he could see into the living room. The pallet Grandpa had made was empty. Jake crawled into the living room and quietly called out their names. There was no answer. They weren't here. It was almost 1 a.m. Where would they be?

He peeked out the window and could see their car, so he went to the front of the house to see if they were sitting on the porch like they sometimes do. Looking out the front window, he saw several of their neighbors walking toward the community center in the middle of the village. They seemed to be going to the center from each direction. Jake knew his grandparents village was strict about the rules, but did they call meetings in the middle of the night?

It frightened him to think that maybe they got in trouble because someone found out he was there. He knew getting kicked out of this village they loved so much was one of their biggest concerns. He hoped he wouldn't be the cause of them having to leave their home. Jake knew he didn't like it there, but they seemed to.

Jake decided to investigate and slipped on his shoes. Once there seemed to be no one else on the street, he crept from house to house toward the community center building. It was very late at night, but he noticed that he did not hear any noise coming from any of the houses he passed. Everyone must have gone to the building. 

Jake crawled up to one of the windows on the opposite side of the building people had been entering. He was trying to be smart. He didn't want to be seen by someone coming or going from the building.

Jake slowly raised his head to peek inside and immediately jumped back down. Everyone inside was wearing black robes. His heart was beating quickly, but he tried to listen through the noise of his pounding chest. Everyone inside seemed to be talking at the same time. He could not understand the words, but they were talking together. In unison.

Jake took a few deep breaths and stood up to peek in again. Everyone was looking toward the front of the room and not near the window he was looking in. He felt safe he would not be seen, but did not know what he was looking at.

When everyone stopped talking, a person at the front stood up facing the crowd. He had the hood up on his robe so Jake could not see his face. He was behind a small table that was covered with a red cloth. This man spoke very loudly and when he did everyone in the entire room repeated what he said.

Jake decided that the words were not in English. That was why he could not understand them. He didn't know what he was seeing, but knew he had seen enough. It was time to sneak back to the house This was not a meeting about him.

Jake was slowly lowering to make his escape when he saw his grandpa's face. His grandpa had stepped up to the table at the front of the room and turned around to address the crowd. Jake watched as he bent down to pick up a small sleeping girl and placed her on the table. Jake was shocked to see another kid here. Children were not allowed. And that girl looked to be only about 4 years old. She would definitely not be good at keeping herself quiet.

Jake watched as his grandpa reached again for the girl and lifted one of her arms. Grandpa then pulled a short rope from a pocket and tied the girl's arm to one of the table legs. What was he doing? Grandpa produced another rope just as the girl started to wake. She looked up and started crying immediately. Jake's grandpa secured the other arm while another person got up to restrain her legs and then his grandpa fished out two more ropes.

Jake watched in horror trying to make sense of what he was seeing. This was terrible! What were they doing?

Grandpa then produced a large knife and handed it to the hooded man before sitting back down. Jake couldn't believe his eyes. No. It must be a nightmare.

The hooded man bellowed out words from that foreign language and everyone in the room stood. They raised their hoods over their heads and the hooded man raised the knife high in the air.

Jake screamed in terror. He couldn't take it anymore.

Every head in the room snapped to look at the window where he was standing. Jake was frozen in terror, but the people in the room started moving from their places. He saw some hurrying out the doors on the other side of the building. He was beginning to hyperventilate when he heard shouts coming up beside him. They were rushing toward him. Jake ran as fast as he could back to his grandparent's house. He got far away from them quickly. The senior citizens who lived there were not very fast.

Jake fell when he got to the street and skinned his knee badly, but he was still able to get up and run into the house almost a full minute before anyone else got there.

He locked the door behind him and started crying in the corner. People were banging on the door and peeking in the windows. They were pointing at him and some were screaming, "You saw!"

Jake heard the voice of his grandpa booming over the shouts and the crowd began to quiet some. He heard a key turn in the lock and his grandma rushed in. She looked terrified and was crying. Grandpa came in right after her and locked the door.

"Grandma, what did they do to you?"

It took her a moment to choke back her tears. She responded, "Jake, baby. Why didn't you stay in your room?"

Jake threw his arms around her and cried. "I'm sorry. I didn't know where you were. I didn't mean to."

His grandma kissed him on his head and held him tight. Grandpa stepped up and patted his head. "We love you, Jake."

Someone outside shouted again. "Enough of this. He saw. You know he saw." The crowd started to get loud again.

Grandpa took a step away and Grandma began crying harder. Grandma kissed Jake and ambled back to her bedroom. Grandpa turned his back on Jake and shuddered as he unlocked the front door.

---

All this month, I am participating in the A to Z Challenge. A new post will go up every day (except Sundays) using a letter of the alphabet as the starting off point. My theme for the month is literary genres. I am writing in a different genre of flash fiction each day. Today's letter is H for Horror.

G - Grandma

I got a message earlier this week that my grandmother had died. She was 97 years old and had been sick for a while, so it didn't come as a big surprise. However, it made me feel a little helpless being all the way on the other side of the world in China.

Grandma Mary Jane was my mother's mother. When I was very young, she lived in a mobile home behind our house. This was awesome because grandma (the lady with the cookies, the cool games, and the always running air conditioning) lived right next door. My father had a crippling fear of using any appliance that might raise the electric bill, so her house was a favorite in the summertime.

About the time I turned 10, she moved from behind our house in Illinois to Arizona. Like many old people, she felt the call to a warmer climate. However, instead of Florida, she opted for the desert. After that move, she really wasn't a part of my life anymore. I might see her once a year when she would come back to the Midwest in the wintertime to see all her kids, but that was about it.

Once she got significantly older, my mother and her siblings made the decision that grandma needed to come back to the Midwest to be closer to the family. She didn't want to come back, but there had been several medical scares and it was getting more and more difficult for her to care for herself.

She was in and out of the hospital and various nursing homes over the years. There were several years when we were told we needed to go to Missouri to spend Christmas with Grandma because this will be our last holiday with her, but somehow she always held on.

One year I came home from college to visit the family for the weekend and Mom suggested we all take a trip to see Grandma since I was home. My eyes got wide and I turned to my brother, "Grandma's still alive?!" I thought it was funny.

For a little more perspective on how this joke works let me mention that this happened in the mid-90's and we were already joking about how grandma would never die. She had been on her deathbed dozens of times and somehow always got well enough to even go back to her own home.

Look at that date again. The mid-90's!

That's over 20 years ago.

So, if we were already noticing the pattern back then, try to take a guess at how many more times this happened since then.

I know this sounds jaded, but she was a loved woman. She was just really good at teasing everyone, but 5 days ago the teasing came to an end. She met her end due to pneumonia that she just couldn't beat this time.

Fortunately, the last time I was in the States, I was flying out of St. Louis which is where my grandmother was in a nursing home. So, I got to see her last August.

She stomped me at cards.
Always did.

I'm glad I was able to get that last visit in. It was great to know that her mind stayed sharp right up until the end.

V is for Virility

As a participant in the A to Z Blogging Challenge, I will be making my way through the alphabet all month.

---

Last night, after work, I was plopped in front of my television, enjoying some Hot Pockets and sweet tea, but was mostly focused on my Kindle. Despite my attention to the various games I had to choose from, something said on the television caught my ear.

Please keep in mind, this will only be a loose paraphrase of what was said, since I wasn't really paying attention. It was just the last line that made me say, "WHAT?!?"

A commercial was playing for a men's sexual health clinic in St. Louis. The ad focused primarily on erectile dysfunction. It stated all the usual things these commercials always claim.

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"It happens to every man at one point or another."

"It doesn't mean you aren't a man."

I didn't catch it all, but near the end it said something to the effect of this, "Maybe you have tried Viagra or Cialis and they weren't effective. Therefore, you may be skeptical about what we can do for you. To address your concerns, you can try our system in our office before paying a penny to see if it works."

This is the part where I looked up and said, "WHAT?!?"

Try it out in the office? What exactly does that mean? Had I been paying attention, I would have called their number just to get the answer to this question. I can see so many possible scenarios.

What exactly is the nature of their treatment and what does it mean to "try it out in the office"? If it involves another person to really try it out, do they provide the person or do you have to bring one from home?

Do they provide a private room after giving you the treatment or must the results be observed by a trained medical professional?

Do they lay you naked on a table, give you the treatment, and the medical staff stands around you with measuring tape to monitor and record the results?

Or is it more discreet? Maybe they give you a pill and stand you in a corner, so you can give a thumbs up to indicate when you are up.

I have so many questions. One day, I may be in need of these services and I just want to be prepared.

I also want to know if Obamacare will cover this.

J is for Joints

As a participant in the A to Z Blogging Challenge, I will be making my way through the alphabet all month.

---

People always make jokes about the aches and pains of getting older. The increasing frequency of how often we walk into a room and forget why we went in there. The frequent urination. Sleepless nights. The incredible difficulty of getting our bodies to start cooperating in the morning. The frustrating forgetfulness. I understand all of it and have experienced them all as well, but I have one particular one that I need to take some action for.

I have incredible joint pain.

Actually, I hate to use the word incredible because I associate that word with great things and what I experience is not great. It's quite the opposite of that. It's pretty ungreat (Not to be confused with ingrate. That is something else entirely) and I really don't enjoy it.

I have written many times in the past about my recurring shoulder pains. When they are at their worst, I can't even let my arm hang by my side without horrible pain. I have to support the weight. It took a while, but we finally found the issue and it means surgery. However, the doctors say that I must wait as long as possible for the surgery because it will only last 10 to 15 years and cannot be done again. In the meantime, I've been taught some stretches that seem to alleviate the pain somewhat, but it still gets quite painful at times.

For the last year, my shoulders haven't been my biggest concern. Something is going on with my hands. My fingers will swell up and I have trouble making a fist. I can't hold anything when this happens and it lasts for a few days. They are very tender during this time and I lose all dexterity. I can't open jars. I have trouble lifting the tea pitcher to get myself a drink and taking care of my bathroom needs becomes rather challenging.

These pains are spreading. It occurs in my feet, wrists, ankles, knees, hip and other places. One morning my alarm went off and I discovered that I couldn't walk. I had to crawl to the clock. I have no problem with not walking as long as I have access to a remote and a good wifi signal, but I was supposed to go to work. It didn't happen that day. My foot was swelled so big, I couldn't get my shoe on anyway.

My wife is grateful that I just made a doctor's appointment last week. It's a general practitioner, but it's a step in the direction of getting some of this looked into. I don't know why men don't like to go to the doctor, but I am guilty. I have just put up with this forever, but it's reached the point that it can't be ignored any longer.

I just hope he doesn't try to make me change my diet. I'll go without movement to be able to stick my face in a plate of steak fajita nachos.

At Least I'm Gaining Wisdom

If you think that's bad, you should see Jambi

I love those lists that are designed to make you feel old. The ones that tell you how long it has been since something significant happened. For example, everyone knows that Fuller House is on Netflix now, but did you know it has been 21 years since the last episode of Full House? I mean, the Olson twins are 29 years old now. That's crazy.

January 28, 2016 marked thirty years since the Challenger exploded. Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire all the way back in 1984. It's reminders like this that give credence to the saying 'Time flies'. I am halfway through my forties and remember high school like I just left there this morning. Of course, trauma will do that to a person.

With time flying along at breakneck speed, it is not uncommon for someone to occasionally discover that their entire life resembles the opening scene from the movie Up. It just flies by and suddenly you are much older. And getting older has plenty of new adventures (besides wrinkles and devout attention to lawn serenity) that come along with it.

Now, I don't mind getting older. Wrinkles don't bother me and I welcome graying hair. I've never really been one of the cool kids, so I'm not at all concerned with being considered un-hip by the younger generation, but there is one part I could do without.

I am in pain all the time!

Why does everything hurt? Different pains come and go, but I am never completely pain free. I have two bad shoulders that I've been told will eventually have to have surgery. When one of them is acting up, I can't lift my arm without horrible stabbing pain through half my body. I am getting arthritis everywhere. Not just my hands, but everywhere. Today, I can't make a fist with my left hand. It won't close. For three days this week, I couldn't turn my head to the left. Earlier this week, I shot awake in the middle of the night because it felt like an Asian ceremonial elephant carrying a wedding party had stepped on my knee. It came out of nowhere and my knee was swollen for two days.

I'm "I was up all night because of a pain in my toe" years old.

— Minor Character (@brettminor) November 24, 2015

My ankle will swell up and get bruised for no reason. I've thrown out my back opening the refrigerator door and I once pulled a muscle in my neck while I was flossing. I need about 10 minutes notice before I get out of bed to give my body time to psych itself up and my legs fall asleep 15 seconds after sitting on the toilet.  I have no idea what is going on, but think it is all tied to my age.

My shoulder feels like it's trying to gnaw its way off of my body. Is this what getting old feels like?

— Minor Character (@brettminor) February 11, 2016

Add these aches and pains to the fact that I have a fairly physical job and I can't help but laugh at how broken I feel. I remember the good old days when I could break my leg jumping out of a moving car and it would be healed before dinner that night. Today, a paper cut is almost guaranteed an infection and will fester up to look like a gunshot wound before I can get it under control.

Sleeping pills combined with painkillers have become my favorite after dinner snack to help me get through the nights and I am beginning to have an opinion on the controversial medical marijuana issue. I don't know what all it's supposed to be good for, but if it would help with all these pains, let's light 'em up. Hopefully, there will be a delivery service within the next few years like there is for pizza.

I Want Hard Facts

I think I need CANDY CRUSH rehab

I just finished another class last week and have a week off before I start another one next week. This means I have the time to breathe for another few days. This week, I have taken advantage of this freedom by watching television and playing Candy Crush Saga on my Android for hours on end.

I like the bright colors.

Today, after work, I was plopped in front of my television, enjoying some pizza rolls and sweet tea, but was mostly focused on my clever double Color Bomb combos. Despite my attention to the sugar coated music emanating from my phone, something said on the television caught my ear.

Please keep in mind, this will only be a loose paraphrase of what was said, since I wasn't really paying attention. It was just the last line that made me say, "WHAT?!?"

A commercial was playing for a men's sexual health clinic in St. Louis. The ad focused primarily on erectile dysfunction. It stated all the usual things these commercials always claim.

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"It happens to every man at one point or another."

"It doesn't mean you aren't a man."

I didn't catch it all, but near the end it said something to the effect of this, "Maybe you have tried Viagra or Cialis and they weren't effective. Therefore, you may be skeptical about what we can do for you. To address your concerns, you can try our system in our office before paying a penny to see if it works."

This is the part where I looked up and said, "WHAT?!?"

Try it out in the office? What exactly does that mean? Had I been paying attention, I would have called their number just to get the answer to this question. I can see so many possible scenarios.

What exactly is the nature of their treatment and what does it mean to "try it out in the office"? If it involves another person to really try it out, do they provide the person or do you have to bring one from home?

Do they provide a private room after giving you the treatment or must the results be observed by a trained medical professional?

Do they lay you naked on a table, give you the treatment, and the medical staff stands around you with measuring tape to monitor and record the results?

Or is it more discreet? Maybe they give you a pill and stand you in a corner, so you can give a thumbs up to indicate when you are up.

I have so many questions. One day, I may be in need of these services and I just want to be prepared.

I also want to know if Obamacare will cover this.

Fear Factor

I am still working my way through the reader submitted questions resulting from my November 27 post. Today's question comes from Kianwi of Simply She Goes. Kianwi asked,

I would like to know what you are afraid of, big and small. Also, have you conquered any fears in your life?

I really didn't have to think about this one. I know exactly what my biggest fear is.

In a recent post, I addressed my views on death and explained that I am not afraid of dying. However, my biggest fear is related to this topic. Actual death is of no concern to me, but the process involved to get there I find very scary.

I mentioned in that previous post that I obviously would not want to experience a painful or prolonged death. That would not be fun and I am sure would be quite miserable, but the specific thing I am scared of is death by old age.

Get outta my yard!!!

I am not scared of aging. I look forward to getting gray hair. I think it makes a man look distinguished. I am not disturbed when I find a new wrinkle in my face. I am old enough that I can start to feel my body break down and I joke about it. I have many good years ahead of me and I fully believe I will be an awesome old man. However, one day my body will be spent. That is what I am scared of.

I am terrified at the idea of spending the last few years of my life stuck in a bed hooked up to machines keeping me alive. I fear slowly withering away in a nursing home. I am scared that I will not be able to communicate my thoughts to my loved ones or caretakers. The idea of existing and not being healthy enough to do anything is the scariest thing I can imagine, especially if my mind has gone. I pray that I will have at least enough presence of mind to be able to refuse treatments that will just prolong the inevitable. Once I have reached that point, I will be ready to go.

I watched my grandmother slowly degenerate as her mind slipped further and further away. She was miserable and even expressed that until she was no longer able to communicate intelligibly, but she held on for several years. I remember the huge sense of relief I felt when she finally passed away. It was difficult to lose her. I loved my grandmother, but it was finally over for her.

I do not want to experience that. At least, not for a prolonged period of time. My children have been instructed that when the time comes that it is known there will be no recovery to let me go. They are not to authorize treatments that will just prolong my time in a bed. Hopefully, when my time comes, it just happens. Heart attack, car accident, alien invasion, something that will just end it.

That is my big fear. My smaller ones are harder to identify. I am not scared of physical things (except a praying mantis). I cannot point to something and say that I am scared of that. I am not scared of public speaking, snakes, heights, water, clowns, spiders, midgets or anything else I can think of. I'm just not a fearful person. I travel into parts of cities I have been told to stay away from. I can walk down dark alleys despite the obvious dangers. I just don't fear much.

I am not trying to suggest that I am fearless and just don't get scared. If a bear came after me in the woods, I would be terrified. However, that does not mean I am scared of bears. It is just recognition that I am in danger. When I got mugged in San Juan, I was scared, but it didn't keep me in the house the next night or even off that same street.

As for fears I have conquered, they are mostly social. I was an awkward nerd in high school and was scared of things like girls, crowds, jocks, girls, being spoken to, people my age, people older than me, girls, etc.

I just didn't interact well with other people, mostly because I owned the labels (nerd, dweeb, geek, loser) that I had picked up years earlier. I allowed it to define me and became more comfortable in the shadows, especially at school where they understood my place as well as I did. My senior year I began to come out of my shell a bit and soon realized that some people might actually like me if I took the effort to show them who I was. I also learned that if someone didn't like me, that was OK. Fast forward to today when I have fully embraced this philosophy and just don't care what anyone thinks and there are even more who don't like me.

Fortunately, most^* people seem to like me so it works out.

Most means most (not all). Because of how wonderful and perfect Red seems to think I am, I have trouble convincing her that there are some people out there that do not like me.

Things That Make You Feel Old

Two years ago, I suddenly became very aware of my age when I discovered that one of my best friends from college had become a grandfather.  

A GRANDFATHER!   

He is only a year older than me. How is that possible? Grandparents are old people.

At least, that is the view I used to have. Once I reflected on this, it occurred to me that my son is 20 years old. Not that I am expecting him to become a father anytime soon, but he is at the age where that would not be such a shocking thing. It still catches me off guard when I am substitute teaching and meet a high schooler who is the child of someone I went to school with. I don't know why this surprises me since my youngest child is a junior in high school and 16 years old. Even though I have gotten older, I guess I don't think about the ages of other people that I don't see on a regular basis.

Years ago, I laughed it off when I heard a DJ refer to Motley Crüe as 'classic' rock. However, I have come to accept that it has been quite a while since we used floppy disks and had satellite dishes that dwarfed the cars sitting in our driveway. I distinctly remember when gasoline reached the outrageous price of $1/gallon and the excitement we felt when the new network channel FOX first came on the air.

I started looking around the internet to see how old some of the things I remember are and compiled the following list.

DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE COMFORTABLE BEING REMINDED ABOUT YOUR AGE!

1. Windows XP was released 11 years ago, in 2001.
2. Ren & Stimpy debuted over 20 years ago.
3. The "new" Millennium is over a decade old.
4. Pluto was downgraded from planet status 5 years ago.
5. Pierce Brosnan last acted as James Bond 10 years ago.
6. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air has been off the air for 18 years.
7. It has been 11 years since 9/11.
8. Ellen DeGeneres came out 15 years ago. 
9. The Matrix came out 13 years ago. Keanu Reeves is 48 years old today.
10. Princess Diana and Mother Theresa have been dead for 15 years.
11. The Challenger space shuttle disaster happened 27 years ago.
12. Macauley Culkin is 31 years old. Home Alone came out over 20 years ago.
13. Terminator 2 is over 20 years old. Edward Furlong, who played kid John Conner, is 34 now.
14. Sean Connery is in his 80's and retired. He hasn't made a new movie in 9 years.
15. Brittany and Madonna's famous on-stage kiss was 9 years ago.



27 years ago.

16. Nicole Brown Simpson was murdered 18 years ago.
17. There hasn't been a cast member from I Love Lucy alive for 32 years.
18. If the Simpsons' actually aged, Maggie would be 24 today.
19. The youngest Spice Girl is 36, the oldest Backstreet Boy 39, Gwen Stefani is 42, Madonna 53.
20. The last Goosebumps book was published 14 years ago.
21. Kurt Cobain has been dead for 17 years.
22. The first Harry Potter book came out 15 years ago!
23. The first season of Friends was aired 18 years ago.
24. The Macarena dance craze was 16 years ago.
25. The little red headed girl who starred opposite Jim Belushi in Curly Sue is 30 years old and married.
26. Kids born in 1994 can legally vote this year.
27. All 3 Hanson brothers are married with kids.
28. Ask a teenager what this means: "BE KIND. PLEASE REWIND."
29. Marilyn Monroe would be 86 now.
30. Jurassic Park is older than Justin Bieber.
31. Nintendo 64 hit the market 16 years ago.
32. Bryan Adams' cult classic song Summer of '69 was released 27 years ago.
33. Kids who you remember in diapers have been posting their own pictures on Facebook.
34. Rudy from The Cosby Show is now 33 years old.
35. Facebook has been around for 8 years.

 At least I can hold on to the fact that I still have no grandchildren.

Submitted to 

Weekend Funnies at My Half Assed Life 

Ear Plugs Are for Old People

My son, Christian, called me last week to see if I was going to his show on Saturday night. As a parent who wants to be supportive of his offspring, I told him I would be there. I feel that I have time to make up for since I missed so many of his Little League games due to my disdain for sports job. He may have just been calling because he wanted a ride for him and his equipment, but I do try to make it to one of his shows at least every six weeks or so. While I do enjoy being there to show my support, it is sometimes rather difficult to endure be there for him. We have a history of doing crazy things together, but it is not as easy as it used to be. You see, I am forty years old and Christian is in a death metal band.

He looks more devious in this
picture than real life.

I have no problem with this band. They are actually very talented. That may be hard to believe coming from me since I am his father, but it's true. They really are very good. I could especially tell during this latest show since they have better equipment now and it no longer sounds like a rhinoceros having an epileptic seizure in a small garden shed filled with empty tin cans. I still have no idea what words are being screeched out of the singer's mouth, but I can make out the individual instruments. Before, it was just an involuntary violent rape of my auditory organs that took days to heal. The improvements in the quality of their equipment proves that shopping for the best deal isn't always the way to go.  TIP: If you want decent sound quality, do not buy your equipment at BIG LOTS.

Almost every time I have seen them play has been at the same venue. It's the closest place they play to my home, but it still takes about 45 minutes to get there. I believe the building is a youth center during the week, but on weekends it is a showplace for bands. They get some great groups in there. We are in southern Illinois and that night they had a group from Evansville, Indiana and one that had driven all the way from Nashville, Tennessee.

I have worked with youth for about 20 years and have dragged kids all over the country to various events, trips and sometimes concerts. I have been to more than my share of events geared towards a younger crowd, so I know how this works, but I believe I am beginning to reach the end of my days in these settings.

I think he has a bee in his shirt

Christian's group , Odysseus, played second, so my entire reason for being there had come to an end early in the evening. There were seven bands playing and I already felt a headache coming on. I knew I had hours ahead of me and sitting in a corner waiting for the time to pass would have been more uncomfortable than sitting through an episode of Intervention at Lindsey Lohan's house, so I stayed in the heat of the action. However, avoiding injury is a prominent concern for someone who doesn't recover as quickly as he used to.

I tried to capture some video of what was going on in the 'pit,' but the room was too dark to get anything of quality, so you will just have to settle for my descriptions. I hope you appreciate them, because in order to get the scoop, I had to put myself in harm's way fighting to stay on my feet. I have been in plenty of mosh pits and done the crazy slam dancing and thrashing, but I have outgrown it. When I look at it now, it seems stupid. I can't believe I ever used to enjoy getting hurt.

He didn't duck fast enough

They don't just jump and throw their arms around with reckless abandon unconcerned for the people around them, some of these guys are jumping up and doing roundhouse kicks into the crowd. Now, for the people that want to get in the middle of it and participate in this, that is their business If they get hurt, they knew what they were getting into. A person cannot jump into a pool and then be mad because his hair got wet. However, there are some that are there to listen to the music and are not 'in the pit.' Just a little common decency would ensure that they would be safe. Unfortunately, there are some idiots who insist on involving people that do not want to be involved. One rather heavy set headbanger would start backing up until he was at the edge where there was a line of people watching the show. Once he felt he had reached the crowd, he would start jumping and doing donkey kicks behind him striking whatever person was unlucky enough to be close to him.

PILE UP!!!

Other  people crowd the stage to be in front of the dancers, avoid the pit and get closer to the music, but some of the dancers would grab bystanders and fling them into the crowd. There was no place safe unless you got far from the area. I was about as close as one could get without actually being in there. I tried to stay alert so I wouldn't get cold-cocked, but was knocked to the ground a few times. I wasn't really participating, but wanted to get some good pictures. I did my best to protect my camera.

Don't forget to protect your face

I hung in there, visited with people and actually had a great time, until about 11 o' clock. I was just spent and there were still two bands to go. I couldn't leave since I was Christian's ride home and we had to take some of the equipment back with us once the show was over. At that point, I found a comfortable spot to sit and waited it out contemplating  the aches I would inevitably feel in the morning. Christian even came and joined me. We made fun of some of the little people in the mosh pit that were trying to hold their own against the more seasoned and larger thrashers.

Despite my age and reluctance to jump right back into another night of that chaos, I did have a good time. In fact, the band has asked me to serve as their band manager when they go on tour this summer. I have agreed, but have concerns about what this experience on a daily basis will do to my eardrums sanity. Nevertheless, I will be there to:

1. Review contracts
2. Work the merchandise table
3. Find safe places to park the van for sleeping
4. Guard the van while they sleep
5. Maintain the tour blog
6. Confirm show dates
7. Lug equipment in and out of van
8. Ward off crazy fans and groupies
9. Navigate to the next stop
10. Taste test for poisoned food
11. Keep track of the money
12. Make sure they bathe
13. Never sleep

After all, a musician's job is to write and play music. They have people for all that other stuff.

This summer, I am those people.

Enough, Already

In just the last couple of years I have come to grips with the fact that I am getting older. I am not completely falling apart, but am beginning to recognize the signs that I cannot physically act like a teenager any longer. Actually, I am 40 and haven't been able to do that for quite some time.

I am a reasonably healthy person who gets around well. I don't want to paint the picture that I am falling apart. It's just that I have noticed some of my parts are starting to come loose. Before I jump down from a ledge, I stop to consider my knees, feet and ankles. I never used to give it a second thought. During more strenuous activity, I have to think about what I have going on the next day, since it may take a day to recover. Last year, I was laid up for a week from running down a hill.

I have gotten accustomed to the small (and some not so small) aches and pains. Muscle tension, joint discomfort and other issues are just part of life at this age. They haven't had much effect on me yet, but they are noticeable. However, every now and then, something happens that makes me scream at my body, "Oh, come on." Last night was one of those times.

I pulled a muscle in my jaw while flossing my teeth.

Despite everything I just wrote, I am still a young man. I go rock climbing and rappelling. I still throw myself into the mosh pit at concerts and jump at the opportunity to do things like skydiving or bungee cord jumping. I just take a little longer to recover than I used to. However, apparently, I am too old to open my mouth wide enough to floss the teeth in the back of my mouth.

When I felt the pain shoot down the side of my neck, I knew what had happened. While the pain was located in a specific spot, the other muscles in my mouth and throat seized for about 15 seconds. I couldn't talk, swallow or move my head. My first thought was, "Great. Now I am going to have to communicate through one of those computerized talking devices like Stephen Hawking." No woman would ever talk to me again, but it might be worth it to scare off small children.

Once the muscles relaxed, it didn't hurt much. In fact, I forgot about it until I yawned as I was headed to bed. Opening my mouth that far was uncomfortable, but not too bad. The real problem presented itself this morning. When I woke up, even my teeth hurt. During breakfast, I discovered that I cannot close my teeth all the way. My teeth do not meet in the back, so I have to eat soft foods. This is not because it hurts. They just don't meet. Hopefully, this will self-correct as the muscle relaxes.

Despite what I said a few paragraphs back about being young, I don't feel it this morning. I can't even eat solid food. I makes me wonder how long I have before my daughter tosses me in a nursing home. I can already picture myself slurping my JELL-O, attempting to keep it from dribbling out of the left side of my lips and saying "WHAT!" every time someone speaks to me. It's not hard to picture since it is what I am doing today. (My hearing has always been bad. I had the nickname BELTONE in high school.)

In a few days, I will be talking normally and plan to use that opportunity to explain to Kirsten that she will not be going to college, but staying at home forever to take care of her old man. I never know when my body might break again. I could sprain an eyelid while blinking or dislocate my shoulder while reaching for the salt. I can't be too careful.

She will be so excited.

2,087 Weeks Ago...

I turned 40 years old today.

40       Forty

Does it look more ominous as the number or spelled out? I haven't decided yet. What does this number mean? Does it mean anything? Forty is one of those ages that just seems old. At least, it used to. I don't feel forty, but then I guess I really don't know what forty is supposed to feel like. Logically, the way I feel right now is what forty feels like. It feels pretty much the same as it did yesterday. So, if you want to know, forty feels the same as thirty-nine.

To be honest, it really doesn't bother me that I am now forty. It is just a number. Technically, I am one day older today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was one day older than the day before. Every day, I get one day older. It is a much easier frame of time to consider. It is rather difficult to make plans for a year at a time, but I can usually tell you what I will be doing tomorrow. So, using this frame of reference, I am 14,610 days old. Plus, since I actually quit counting after about 7,500, I just don't get that excited about it anymore. Once I hit 30,000 days, I will probably be excited to see a new day start. I may even be surprised, but for now, it is just another day.

My Experiment with Steroids

I have had a rough couple of days. I spent the night in the emergency room on Saturday night and have gotten very little sleep since then. I had a similar experience four months ago and wrote about it in my blog here. However, this time it was different and I did not realize it until I looked back at that blog I wrote in April. In April, I had horrible pain in my right shoulder, but this time it was in my left shoulder, so it is from something different.

Thursday night I felt some discomfort in my left shoulder. It wasn't too bad, but it was noticeable. When I woke up Friday morning, it had intensified and didn't let up all day. By Saturday, it had significantly grown worse. I felt awful pain anytime I moved it and usually had to lift it with my right hand to even put it up on a table when I sat down. I am sure it looked humorous to see me do anything. I never realized how difficult it was to do simple things like put on socks with one hand. Putting on a shirt was torture. Using only one hand wasn't the struggle; it was the pain involved with trying not to move my bad arm. The slightest movement sent sharp pains through my shoulder. I shed a lot of tears that day.

That night I went to a local trivia night fund raiser, so I was around people who saw me struggling and encouraged me to go to the hospital. My buddy, Adam, was especially forceful. He told me all night that I needed to go get it taken care of. However, since I had dealt with this before, I did not think it would be necessary. Yes, it was painful, but it would be gone in a few days. I just needed to ride it out like last time. About five hours later, I changed my mind.

I went to bed that night and took some Aleve to ease the pain. It didn't work. I could not find any comfortable position. The pain grew much worse over the next couple of hours. I couldn't adjust my blankets or even change positions without searing pain shooting through my arm. I came to the realization that sleep was not going to happen and this was obviously much worse than what I had experienced back in April. I got up and tackled the task of dressing myself again so I could go to the hospital.

I got to the E.R. about 2 a.m. and they laid me on a bed to await the doctor. The movement involved in getting myself there has made the pain much worse, so the doctor was going to get to see me at my worst. After all the preliminary questions, blood pressure checks, pulse taking, and explanations of my issue, the doctor came into the room. He introduced himself as Dr. Doolittle and I immediately laughed. The first instance of laughter caused my shoulder to throb, so I think I was able to pass it off as a wince of pain.

Doolittle (that really is his name) asked me where my shoulder hurt. As he started feeling around on it, I told him that it hurt when I moved it and it didn't really hurt to the touch. He immediately proved me wrong. He then attempted to move my arm to see what level of mobility I had. Once I relaxed and let him try, he found that it doesn't move at all without cries from me. He decided that it appeared to be bursitis.

He ordered some X-rays to be assured there was not a more serious problem. Before the X-rays, one of the nurses came in to give me a shot of anti-inflammatory medication. As I started rolling up my sleeve, she told me that she would be injecting a large amount of fluid so it would have to go in a 'meatier' area. "Drop your pants." She told me it would burn, but I am not really scared of needles, so I wasn't too worried about it.

There was so much medicine being injected that it took a while to get it all through the syringe. About 20 seconds into the injection, my butt suddenly felt like it had caught on fire. She wasn't kidding. It burned...a lot. I tried to sit still and not tense so she could finish, but it was difficult. Luckily, it subsided after a couple of minutes. It burned for the next several hours, but the intense burn was only for those first few minutes. In the meantime, I was able to get the nurse to admit I had a hot butt.

Then, it was off to radiology for my X-rays. They brought a wheelchair in for me. I don't know if I could ever get used to being pushed around in a wheelchair. It feels so strange to have someone else push me around, especially when I know I am perfectly capable of walking. However, I was glad to have it when we came back from there.

That's not going to happen!

The X-rays were not fun. In order for them to get the shots they needed, I had to position my arm where they could better see the joint. For the first one my arm basically had to hang by my side, which wasn't too bad except I had to hold it out a couple inches from my waist. Now, I can do this if I can use my right arm to support the left one, but to use the left arm muscles to hold it there was excruciating. She would get it in position and ask if that was alright. Through tears I exclaimed, "No, but take the picture quick!" She was as gentle as she could be, but it really hurt. For the next shot I needed to rotate my arm to be palm forward instead of back. This small movement surprised me in how difficult it was to do, but we got the shot. She then came out of her little anti-radiation room and informed me that I am not going to like her. She says, "For this shot I need your arm like this." She then holds up her arm like she is going to make a right turn. I knew this was not possible, since I had not raised my arm from my side for two days, but decided to give it a try. I held my left wrist with my right hand and tried to raise it. I hadn't moved it six inches when she realized that I couldn't do it. She then decided that if I could place my left hand on my right shoulder, that may expose the joint to get the shot we needed. That was much easier to do.

Back in the wheelchair, I nursed my shoulder that was now exponentially sorer than before I got there and I wondered when the anti-inflammatory medicine was supposed to kick in. The next nurse asked me if my arm was starting to loosen up yet. I told her it was worse from all the movement. Dr. Doolittle (HAHA!!) then came back in and told me that the X-rays looked fine, so he was confident that his initial diagnosis was correct. It was probably bursitis. Bursitis is inflammation of the fluid-filled sac (bursa) that lies between a tendon and skin, or between a tendon and bone. He then explained that once this gets inflamed all movement becomes extremely painful. He really didn't need to tell me that part. I was very much aware of it.

Notice the one buff arm

He then produced another syringe. "This is a Lanacane steroid," he said, "that is going to go directly into the joint to add fluid to the bursa sac." The main thing I heard was steroid. All I really knew about steroids is that they are often used by body builders to help them bulk up. I immediately thought of Freddy Rodriguez in the movie Lady in the Water. He was doing an experiment by building up one arm but not the other with weight training. If I got this shot in just one arm would I look like him? I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Either way, I was wondering what this shot would be like. This was not a surface injection like every  other shot I had ever received. This was going deep into my joint. I didn't expect this to be pleasant. I rolled up my sleeve and braced myself.

He put the needle in and had to adjust it a bit to get it into the bursa sac, but it soon found its way. It was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. He then stated that it may start to burn, but I would need to sit still because it takes a while to get it all in there. I never really felt any burning, but my whole body got hot. When I said that, Doolittle (HAHA!!) said, "He's passing out! Lay him down!" I told them I wasn't passing out, I just got really hot. The nurses told me I had lost all color in my face and my skin got clammy. These are all signs that someone is about to pass out, but it didn't happen.

An hour later, I was headed back home with my arm hurting more than when I had gone in, but I had some pain killers and prescriptions for codeine and more anti-inflammatory medication. I had to call in sick that morning since we cannot dispatch at the Sheriff's Department while on medication. I have instructions to contact an orthopedic doctor tomorrow so it can be looked at more closely to see if there is anything more serious.

I am starting to regain some mobility in my arm today, but I am very limited. I still cannot lift anything without pain, but it has gotten much easier to get dressed. However, since I cannot afford to take off any more days of work, I have gone without the painkillers today, so I can work this afternoon. I may have to stop taking them anyway. They warned me at the hospital that codeine knocks people out, so do not drive after taking it. However, it has the opposite effect on me. It does help with the pain, but has the same effect as caffeine. I am wide awake after taking it. I can't sleep at night when I've had a dose.

I am healing and am glad to be moving around again, but I am really starting to believe that my body is out to get me. Getting old seems to have a downside.

To Everything There Is A Season

It is amazing how much things change over time. The people that we are, our priorities, the things we like or don't like and even the people we spend time with all change as time moves forward. There have been many people over the course of the years that I thought would be life long friends, but as time went on and our lives, jobs and family situations changed, we lost touch somehow.

Last year, I had lunch with an old girlfriend because I was passing through her town and thought it would be fun to catch up. I was really looking forward to swapping pictures of kids, catching up on who was doing what in each of our families and reminisce about some of the old days. However, the day did not happen the way I pictured it.

When we first saw each other it was great. We both smiled, gave each other a hug and sat down to talk. After about 5 minutes of seeing pictures of kids and catching each other up on what our siblings and parents were up to the conversation became forced. It became obvious very quickly that our lives had taken radically different paths and we just didn't know what to talk about. We did our best for the next hour, but we were both struggling to keep the conversation moving forward so we could finish our lunch and go our separate ways. This was the same girl that I used to talk on the phone with for hours. Now, I could barely get through a lunch.  Plus, these days I don't want to talk on the phone with anyone. I hate talking on the phone. Things change.

Like many young people, I used to live for the weekend. I did much of the stereotypical early 20-something stuff. I knew the secret to a good life. Life was great and carefree and would forever be that way as long as I had that fantastic group of friends to keep having fun with. These were my best friends in the world and we had out lives together planned out. Ten years later, I couldn't tell you where most of them were.

These are not bad things. Looking back over what I just typed, I realized this looks kind of depressing, but it is not. Those events were just different seasons in my life. While I may miss some aspects of hanging out with a bunch of friends every weekend, I certainly do not miss the hangovers and dragging myself to work after staying out all night again.

Before those years all I ever did was watch television. I had the entire network schedule memorized. I spent my Friday evenings with the Duke boys and every Tuesday I hung out with Murdoch and B.A. Baracus. Thursdays were reserved for the Huxtable family and on various other nights I laughed with the Severs, Keatons and Gordon Shumway. I loved TV and would have never imagined life without it. However, later, I could go days (sometimes over a week) without seeing a single TV show because I was out with my friends. In fact, I had a few years when I didn't even own a TV. A while later, I concentrated more on my schooling. Eventually, I was married and had children. Then, my focus changed again. Having a child will do that to you.

Each one of these changes brought about other changes in the way I thought, acted and spent my time. My priorities and sometimes even my values changed as my life began to be concentrated in other areas. Add to all this the fact that I gave my life to Christ in the midst of these other changes and my thoughts and priorities really began to change.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says:
¹ There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:
 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

This is just life. New opportunities come and go. Wonderful people come into our lives as well as people we don't want to see. Disasters happen and then we heal. We go through many stages over the course of our lives, but a couple of things remain the same. We are always there choosing our next path and God is right there beside us for strength and guidance.

One year ago, I was content with the job I had and was concentrating on making sure my daughter had what she needed to finish high school. A few months later I lost that job and ended up going back to college to finish my Bachelor's degree and now I am enrolled in graduate school to get my Master's in Education. It is amazing how quickly life can change. Now I am focused on both my daughter's education and mine. Once I get my degree, who knows where that will take me.

I have a plan for the next twenty years, but my plans have never stayed on track for very long. I honestly don't know where my life is going to be in the next five years. I don't know where I will be working or even where I will live. Life changes all the time. Sometimes we decide to make a change and sometimes it is forced upon us.  Fortunately, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).

It really doesn't matter where life takes me.

 (On a side note: score yourself 10 points if you can tell me who Gordon Shumway is in the comment section. Try not to use Google.)

Live Life to the Fullest

I love a good adventure.

Adventure is exciting. Adventure is fun. Adventure keeps the blood pumping. A life of adventure is great. Unfortunately, I don’t have one.

I do not have a bad life. I certainly don’t want to give the impression that I am complaining about my life being mundane. I have done many exciting things, but these days they are few and far between and most of them are just stories from when I was younger. In fact, most people’s adventure stories stem from their younger days. Why is that?

Before we get tied up in our lives with our careers and families, we have more energy and time and less responsibilities. Adventure and good times just happen to us with very little effort, but it begins to change as we get older and more serious about our lives and goals. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but does lead many to become unsatisfied.

John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens while you are making other plans.” In general, I have to agree with this statement. I, like many people, love a good adventure, but do not purposefully seek them out on most occasions. As I talk about the things I would like to do, I continue to age and miss another day that could have created another great memory.

This happens very easily. Most people work through the week and look forward to the weekend. It is then spent relaxing by watching movies, going shopping, reading a book, or some other uneventful activity. While this may be relaxing, it is on rare occasions that memories are being created or adventures are being lived out.

I know that these are generalities and do not apply to everyone, but I can relate. I look forward to having a day off so I can "do nothing." Then I wonder why I never got around to doing some of the things I have always wanted to do.

Before I go to the grocery store I make a list of the things I need. Otherwise, I forget half the things I went to buy. Sometimes I make a list of tasks that must be done for the day or the week. I always make lists for school to guarantee I don’t miss any assignments. So, why not make a list of the things I would like to do to help ensure more of them get accomplished? Having it down on paper and displaying the list where I can see it would not only remind me of my goals but be a constant motivation to pursue them. Therefore, a few days ago, I began compiling a list of things I have wanted to do for a long time.

As I was making my list, I realized that this is what many have called a “bucket” list. In other words, it is a list of things to accomplish before kicking the bucket. This was not what I had in mind when I started it, but serves a similar purpose.

I constructed some rules for myself concerning this index of future endeavors. The list will evolve with time and I can add something to it any time that I like. However, I may never remove anything from the list. I figure anything I put in the inventory was put there for a reason, so it may not be removed. There is no time limit for any list item, but I must always be accomplishing things on the list if I ever hope to get through it. I realize that I may never complete every task, but I will have many stories to tell about trying.

I did not restrict myself while compiling my list. I never considered the cost involved or energy required to complete any task. Some of my cataloged tasks will require travel, others will require great courage, and still others will just be something fun to do. Some will take planning, some will require lengthy discipline, and others can be done spontaneously in an instant. As you look through my checklist please keep in mind that I made this for me. Some of the items may not seem like fun or adventurous to you, but it is not your task. It is mine. On the other hand, you may want to join me on some of these adventures. I am open to suggestions for more challenges to add and will also welcome joining someone else to mark items off. If you see something you want to do, contact me and maybe we can mark it off together.

I will chronicle each accomplishment on this blog, but the list will not become the focus of my blog. I will continue to write on my usual random topics and will only return to the list when another item has been knocked out. I plan to record each event with photographic and/or video evidence to be shared here.

Here is my list in no particular order. Click the links are to see examples or definitions:

1. Get skydive certified (possibly attend SKYDICE SPACELAND)
2. Ride in a hot air balloon
3. Walk a 100+ mile trip
4. Learn to play guitar
5. Write and publish a book
6. Get a photo published in a national magazine
7. Dye my hair a crazy color
8. Fly a plane
9. Fix my teeth
10. Swim with sharks
11. Wrestle an alligator
12. Go snowboarding
13. Be suspension pierced
14. Go scuba diving
15. Participate in an eating challenge
16. Get tased
17. See the aurora borealis
18. Eat fugu
19. Eat a durian
20. Crash a wedding
21. Go to Comic-Con
22. Roll a car
23. Backflip a motorcycle
24. Be an extra in a movie
25. Go noodling
26. Do the polar plunge  COMPLETED 02-02-14 read here
27. Learn how to pick a lock
28. Pet a wild skunk
29. Stage dive and crowd surf
30. Break a world record
31. Attend a Rocky Horror Picture Show in full costume
32. Bungee Jump
33. Take a cruise
34. Be part of a flash mob (not a criminal one)  COMPLETED 10-22-11 read here
35. Ride a Segway
36. Go to Mardi Gras
37. See a whale
38. Go surfing
39. Be on a game show
40. Take a photography class
41. Go ice fishing
42. Drive on the Autobahn
43. Get in a fist fight
44. Kiss a stranger
45. Cliff dive
46. Go jet skiing
47. Be in a play
48. Attend Cornerstone Festival
49. Go kayaking
50. Witness a meteor shower
51. Own a Jeep again
52. Pay for a strangers meal or groceries
53. Fly first class
54. Drive the length of Route 66
55. Go wing-walking
56. Have my portrait painted
57. Be in the audience for taping of TV show
58. Shave my head
59. Serve on jury duty
60. Learn to play harmonica
61. Attend Oktoberfest
62. Spend night alone in a haunted house
63. Visit Holy Land
64. Run with the bulls in Pamplona
65. Learn to ride a unicycle
66. Go snowmobiling
67. Get a black belt in any martial art
68. See the giant Sequoia trees of the West Coast
69. Fly in a helicoptor over a volcano
70. Eat lobster in Maine
71. Make some money as a street musician
72. Sing karaoke
73. Ride in a tank
74. Read my huge list of books - click here for progress
75. Go to a blues bar in Chicago
76. Go to a jazz club in New Orleans
77. Do a fire walk
78. Ride in a helicoptor
79. Go on a cross country motorcycle trip
80. Visit the Louvre
81. Go Zorbing
82. Go to the San Diego Zoo
83. See all 7 continents - click here for progress
84. Attend a sumo match in Japan
85. Ride a San Francisco cable car
86. Attend Day of Dead ceremony in Mexico
87. Keep bees
88. Shoot a flamethrower
89. Meet a U.S. president while he is still in office
90. Observe the floor of Wall Street during trading time
91. Visit the Mall of America
92. Attend a Super Bowl
93. Spar a professional boxer
94. Get a professional shave     COMPLETED 05-23-15 read here
95. Attend the Olympics
96. Deliver a baby
97. Complete a high ropes course
98. Visit the Parthenon in Greece
99. Eat lutefisk in Norway
100. Eat Philly Cheesesteak in Philadelphia
101. Experience weightlessness
102. Kiss the Blarney Stone
103. Attend a Broadway show
104. Attend a Las Vegas show
105. Read every Shakespeare play - click here for progress
106. See all 50 states - click here for progress
107. Swim with dolphins
108. Participate in a demolition derby
109. Meet a person of royalty - British or otherwise
110. Grow my hair out long again - I miss my hair
111. Walk on the Great Wall of China     COMPLETED 08-01-17 read here
112. Visit Auschwitz
113. Get an Ashiatsu massage
114. Get something patented
115. Eat Beluga caviar
116. Eat Kimchi in Korea
117. Own a hammock
118. Climb Statue of Liberty
119. Wear a tuxedo to a non-tuxedo event
120. Brand a cow
121. Save a life
122. Do a stand-up comedy routine
123. Regauge my ears - I used to have ‘00’
124. Throw a live grenade
125. Get a Master’s degree     COMPLETED - MAY 2015
126. Get a Doctorate
127. Sleep in a castle
128. Sit in on a funeral preparation or autopsy
129. Be debt free
130. See Mt. Rushmore
131. Mush a dog sled
132. Have a pet monkey
133. Go deep sea fishing
134. Drink a beer at CHEERS in Boston
135. Learn a second language fluently
136. See the Pyramids of Giza
137. Ride a bull
138. Drive a race car
139. Be on Times Square for New Year’s Eve
140. Climb Seattle Space Needle
141. Attend the Brazilian Carnival in Rio de Janiero
142. Get my pilot’s license
143. Be elected to a public office
144. Drive a dune buggy in the desert
145. Swim with manatees
146. Visit Stonehedge
147. Attend a bull fight
148. Attend a cock fight
149. Attend a Murder Mystery Dinner

Feel free to contact me with suggestions for other adventures or questions about what some of these are or why I would want to do them. My growing list can be seen at this link. I will share with you as they are completed and feel free to join me in marking some off. I'm so excited.