Sunday, March 31, 2013

A to Z Challenge Starts Tomorrow

For the fourth year in a row, bloggers will be tackling the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Each day in the month of April, over 1,700 bloggers around the world will be writing a post tarting with a letter of the alphabet. We will be writing every day in April except for Sundays for a total of 26 days.

I just decided the last of my topics last night and I already have 9 of the posts written. It's a pretty rigorous schedule, so I tried to work ahead. Plus, each blogger is supposed to visit the blogs of all the other participants.  With 1,700 participants, I expect that I will spend a lot more time reading other blogs than writing for myself.

I hope they're good. 

I'm excited to discover some new writers I was not aware of before, but know there are plenty of people stinking up the blogosphere as well. Hopefully, not many of them signed up for this. Either way, I am reading them all.

Here is my plan for the month. Some are funny. Some are serious. Some required extensive research and others are stories from my memory.

April 1 - A is for Allergies
I have an unusual allergy and have a bit of trouble staying away from the irritant.
April 2 - B is for Bird
The story of one of our unusual childhood pets.
April 3 - C is for Computers
I am nowhere near as knowledgeable about computers as people seem to think I am.
April 4 - D is for Deoxyribonucleic Acid
There's some cool new technology out there. I explore what this could mean for us.
April 5 - E is for ESL
English as a Second Language - What my schooling is all about.
April 6 - F is for Fishing
Probably the most boring activity known to man. Some people even watch this non-activity on television.
April 8 - G is for Google
Is Google really useful? How do we know if its accurate?
April 9 - H is for Hornet
This is actually about one of my first cars.
April 10 - I is for Internet
I love the internet. I will go without food before I would give up my wireless connection.
April 11 - J is for Journalism
In high school, I was the only boy on the school newspaper. I learned a lot about women - not all good.
April 12 - K is for Kick the Bucket
What would you want your obituary to say? Or your headstone?
April 13 - L is for Lincoln
My time in college.
April 15 - M is for Master's Degree
It took me 14 years to complete my undergraduate studies, but I am trying to stay on top of this degree.
April 16 - N is for Needles
My time as a professional body piercer.
April 17 - O is for Oldest Child
I was born first in my family. That means I am the boss.
April 18 - P is for Picnic Table
The story of the worst injury I have ever experienced.
April 19 - Q is for Quilt
I love my grandmother.
April 20 - R is for Red
The woman, not the color.
April 22 - S is for Snoopy
The best dog anyone could ever have owned.
April 23 - T is for Temp Services
I have spent way too many years as a temp. 
April 24 - U is for Ultralux
Door to door vacuum cleaner sales.
April 25 - V is for Video Games
I have a mixed history with them.
April 26 - W is for Waltonville
The town I grew up in.
April 28 - X is for Xenoglossophobia
Sorry. Look it up.
April 29 - Y is for Yemen
I have the travel bug…bad!
April 30 - Z is for Zoo
This one is pretty racy. Family outings don't always go as planned.

Wish me luck.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Funny Bone Results #21 - Hitler Follies

To commemorate the freak snow storm the Midwest was hit with earlier this week, the Funny Bone caption contest involved fun in the snow.

Hitler having fun in the snow was just a little added bonus.

People supplied their funniest caption to the picture of Hitler on a sled and I gathered them all together. The captions I received follow the picture.

Here are this week's submissions:
Hell hath frozen over - Shane Morgan of In Shane's Brain
 Ach.....what's that smell? Do I smell a Jew? - Tuhina Tomar
The Fuhrer tests out out the latest in military technology ahead of the Polish invasion. - Addman of Muppets for Justice and Sinquiry
Looks like the Cubs have won World Series - Shane Morgan of In Shane's Brain
"Of COURSE I'm ready to invade Russia in the winter. See? There's no way we can lose this war." - A Beer For The Shower
I sledge some and I sled some - Tuhina Tomar
Supplies are limited so order now and don't miss out on "Hitler Sings Mein Favorite Christmas Carols" Only $2.99 and featuring hits such as "Rudolph the Blue Eyed Superior", "Belgium Got Run Over By a Blitzkrieg" and that number one hit "I'll Bomb Your Home By Christmas". Hurry and get your's today! - Shane Morgan of In Shane's Brain

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Before I Was Free

I had hoped to have another post up this week, but it didn't happen. I have been writing posts for the A to Z Blogging Challenge and posting for this week got away from me. I promise this will be the last time I will use that challenge as an excuse. The challenge starts on Monday and I hope you will drop in every day to see what I come up with.

Weekend FunniesIn the meantime, here is the post from one year ago today about me trying to escape from my family as a toddler. Tomorrow, I will post the results from this week's caption contest with Hitler.



I like to think that I have always been my own person. I have my way of thinking, my way of acting and my way of doing things (even if they don't always work). While I can respect the wisdom and knowledge of people that came before me, I like finding my own way. This started at a very young age.

Never a slave to conventional dress,
I found my style early on.
Much to my parents dismay, the pastel colors and little duckies on my clothes just were not acceptable to me. After much deliberation (mostly on their part since I couldn't talk yet), I compromised.

I was gangsta,
before gangsta was cool.
At the age of 18 months, I began to change my own diapers. This was not a modesty issue. We know from past posts, I still don't have any modesty. No, this was part of my unrelenting desire to become my own man.

I demanded this freedom in other areas of my life as well. I knew how I wanted things and would accept nothing less.

Had Mother fixed the steak I asked for,
this would not have happened.

My parents, being appreciative of the freedom I was offering them by my new independence, took advantage of the situation. Since I could take care of myself, they could go out and not have to worry about me. It saved money in babysitters and further taught me self reliance.

Against my wishes, they later decided this was not a good idea.

I invited the neighbor girls over,
but their mom said they were napping.
The cop took this picture after pulling me over.
I was on my way to buy more booze.

After the run in with local law enforcement, my parents had me under their oppressive thumbs and my life was relegated to the boring life of a toddler once again. I endured this for a little over a year before I saw my opportunity to escape.

One Sunday, my family was walking in the pasture behind my great-grandfather's house. It was a beautiful day and the birds were singing. All that open air made me yearn for the freedom that I knew I deserved. After all, it had been over three years since I had escaped from the suffocation of the womb. How long should I be expected to play the part of cute pet? I knew today was the day and began looking for my opportunity.

As we approached the top of a hill, I observed a wide open space before us. This was the place to make a break for it. If I could make it to the tree line, I could disappear and live off the land.

Being acutely aware of my short stature (darn stubby toddler legs), I knew I would need a head start in order to not be caught. The large descent before me would give me the opportunity to gain speed quickly. If the parental units could be distracted for a few moments, I would have the edge I needed.

I pointed at a cloud and babbled in that way that adults think are so cute. When they looked up, I bolted for the bottom of the hill. I was able to get close to the bottom before they realized I was gone. Only a few hundred feet more and I would be free forever.

I looked back and noticed that they had taken pursuit and were screaming for me to stop. They must have been aware of my intentions because they were much more frantic than usual. My father was closing in fast, so I concentrated on my departure.

Upon reaching the bottom of the hill, I tripped and sprawled forward. My tumble caused a white hot dust to come out of the ground. I quickly found it difficult to see and began to cough. I then realized that I had been duped.

My great-grandfather had anticipated my plan the night before and laid out a trap. He had burned a large brush pile after clearing out some trees. Knowing this was where I would most likely make a run for it, he placed it in the valley before the trees.

The entire pile had been burned to the ground and the only evidence of the preceding days events was the white ash on the ground. In my haste to get away, I had not noticed what I was running toward. The fire was out, but the coals were still crackling hot. My hands were now holding up the rest of my body from being burned, but my center of gravity did not allow for me to stand up and remove my hands from the burning.

Was this going to be the end? Would I slowly disintegrate into the pile eventually engulfing my entire body? I had underestimated the deviousness of my guardians.

My father snatched me out of the fire. I knew they were disappointed that the trap had not worked properly. He was going to throw me in and finish the job properly. I held my breath and waited for the heat, but it never came.

My father ran back to the house as the heat in my hands began to grow to intolerable levels. After a quick clean up, they rushed me to a hospital. The doctor's did horrible things and then bound me so I could no longer cause any trouble. My parents' plan to end my independence was complete.

I could no longer change my diapers.
Without the use of my hands, I had to humbly allow my mother to feed me and take care of my bathroom issues once again. I couldn't even use my toys. My life was going to be dependent on them forever.

My dog didn't even respect me any more.
Two days later, I was returned to the hospital and thrilled to learn that they were removing the hindrances that had been placed on me. However, my hands and fingers had doubled in size and were covered in blisters that stood over an inch tall. My hands still didn't work. Then they held me down and bound me up again.

They teased me this way every few days. The doctors would take them off and then replace them. I finally understood. They were trying to break my spirit.

After a few weeks, I falsely admitted compliance. Satisfied that I would not attempt escape again, they freed my hands. It was several years before I tried again.

It didn't go well either.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Test Your Funny Bone #21

Last week I received more submissions for the weekly caption contest than I ever have before.

Here was last week's picture:


Here are the captions I received:

  • Where my bitches at?
  • It's on a leash for a reason mo' fo'
  • Bunny couldn't look him in the face; white sneakers were so 90s.

Addman of Muppets for Justice and Sinquiry
  • Yo, I asked for honeys, not bunnies! 

Shane Morgan of In Shane's Brain
  • Uh, lemme see. I ate Cottontail, that's one. Uhh, Lucky. That's two. And Patches makes three. 
  • 8 Mile Part 2- Kill B.Rabbit

A Beer for the Shower

Sandee of Comedy Plus
  • Whatcha looking at, bitch?

Winopants of Wino on a Ramble
  • He hadn't lied about his pet doberman, the dog was at home; "Fluffy" was just for dinner.

JP
  • Is the guy saying 'Eat it? This is the bait'

Hestia
  • So which is the chocolate candy filled with marshmallow fluff?
  • (Naturally) - "Brave knights, that's the most foul, cruel, and bad tempered rodent you ever set eyes on."

Valerie of Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi
  • Bunnies and honeys like a true playa!!

Melody of Refractions and Reflections
  •  Hiding eggs on the West Side of the yard since 1989, yo.

Rachael of Rachael's Insane Rants and Bizarre Musings
  • Dear Bunny god up in the sky, why did you pair me with this guy? 
  • Lets, see I had five little bunnies, two were caught by the cat....

Adjunct Prof of View from the Podium and New Fiction: White Man's Paradise
  • Li'l Loc had fallen quite far down the rabbit hole since his glory days of rollin' wif da Bloods.
  • Don' hate da playa; hate da bunny.
  • "Yo Homes-- I caint be makin' no dooty wif you flashin' yo gangsta-trash friends behind me, see whut I sayin'?"

Queen Holly the Magnificent of A Holly With Follies
  • You know it's been one hell of a party when you wake up stagger outside and find you are tethered to a rabbit. 
 


One week from today will be the first post for the A to Z Challenge. For this challenge, myself and over 1,400 other bloggers will be posting EVERY DAY (except Sunday) through the month of April using the letters of the alphabet as a jumping off point. Due to this schedule, I will be suspending the Test Your Funny Bone feature until May. Therefore, this will be the last one for a while. Let's make it count.

Here is the picture for the week.


I had to dig way back in my archives for this one. If you think the man on the sled looks like Adolf Hitler, you would be correct. It is Hitler out for a little sledding. Beyond that, it is up to you. Leave me your funniest caption to go with the picture. I will be posting the results for this one on Friday without a follow-up picture so as not to interfere with the A to Z Challenge.

Make us laugh!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

My Girlfriend is Gross

I've picked up a lot of new readers lately. There are couple of reasons for this. A few months ago, it occurred to me that I am always reading the same blogs. I remember when I first started blogging the triumph I felt when I found a new blog I enjoyed. However, after several months I got comfortable with particular circle of bloggers and didn't move any further.

This wasn't a conscious decision. It just sort of happened. I liked the group I was in. These bloggers all popped up in the comments of each others' blogs and I think I gained a few legitimate friends. I even met my girlfriend through our blogs. Regardless of the great people and fantastic writers I was becoming familiar with, I was growing frustrated with the plateau my blog seemed to have hit. I can remember when I was gaining a few new followers every week and how cool it felt to see those numbers climb.

For the past year, however, my followers have hovered at right about 110-115 people. I couldn't figure out why the growth stopped. I was still writing. In fact, I am writing more than I was before. Something had to have changed. Then I figured it out. I had stopped reading new blogs.

Since I was only reading the same writers week after week, I was not exposing myself (hee hee) to new audiences. I started visiting the sites on the blogrolls of some of my favorite bloggers to find some new content. I picked up about 40 new blogs to read and made sure to always leave comments.
I soon started seeing the numbers rise again. I was thrilled to see this, plus I had discovered even more great material out there that I love to read.

One night, I mentioned my new followers to Red (my blogging girlfriend - for my newer readers) and she mentioned that she had never followed me…WHAT?!?

I was following her and had been for the last year. Why was she not following me and boosting my numbers? Apparently, Red reads her favorite blogs by bookmarking them and checking on them periodically. I just assumed everyone used Google Reader like me.

Google Reader makes everything so easy. Every blog you are subscribed to is right there. I just go to that one page once a day and anyone who has posted something new is in bold. With one click, their new post is in front of me and I don't waste any time visiting blogs that don't have new material up.

It's a ONE STOP BLOG SHOP!

Say that three times fast.

Now, with the news that Google Reader will no longer be around after July 1st, I am learning that there are a lot of people who weren't using it.

Red had no interest in starting to use Google Reader, but she did want to start following me. Being the math geeks that we are, we tried to decide at what point she should jump in. I had 112 followers at the time and she needed a nice, mathematically sound number that meant something.

I told you we were math geeks.

She decided she wanted to be follower #144

144 = 12 x 12 or 12 dozen or a dozen dozen
Also, called a GROSS

I vowed to keep an eye on my followers, so she could jump in at the appropriate time. Soon after, I started visiting the other blogs and my numbers started to move, but slowly. Every time I got a few more followers, I let her know. Soon, the numbers really took off and we thought we might miss it.

I signed up for the A to Z Blogging Challenge. For this challenge, you post every day in the month of April except Sundays. Each day has a theme.
A is for ___________
B is for ___________…and so on.

Part of this challenge is visiting the other bloggers (there are over 1,200) who are doing the challenge as well. Since there are so many, I have started early and I leave comments on every one introducing myself and telling them how this is my first year. Due to these visits, many of them are coming back to visit me and are following as well.

My numbers started climbing again. I told Red one night that she needed to be paying attention, because I was up to 139. The very next night, I checked in and I had jumped up 4 followers. I was sitting at 143. I sent her a panicked text.


After a few nerve-wracking minutes,


I had to refresh my blog page once again to be sure we hadn't missed the window. There she was, the beautiful #144.

She's the blinking Darth Vader.

Since then, I've picked up a few more, so we got her in there just in time. I expect once April gets here and the challenge actually starts, the numbers will jump very quickly. If we had missed the 144, I don't know what number we would have settled on. I told you we were math geeks.

Plus, after all this trouble, we now know that Google Reader is going away. As far as I know, Google Reader is connected to Google Friend Connect, so I don't even know if any of our efforts will have mattered in a few months.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Test Your Funny Bone #20 - Gansta Easta Bunny

I have been preparing for the A to Z Blogging Challenge, so I am not going to give a long introduction this week. Plus, since this is the twentieth week in a row for this feature, I think everyone knows how it works by now.

I supply the picture and you give me your funniest caption to go with it. Leave your captions in the comment section and I will post all the responses I get next week.

Here is this week's picture:



The challenge starts now. Leave your funniest caption in the comment section.

Make us laugh!!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Funny Bone Results #19

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!

I hope you had a wonderful day of doing whatever it is that people do on St. Patrick's Day. Seriously, other than wearing green and getting really drunk, I don't know what the holiday is all about.

Despite my ignorance, people are living it up today in the name of an Englishman who, after suffering years of slavery in Ireland, escaped only to willingly go back years later to preach Christianity to his captors.
While people are drinking green beer today, at one time, people could legally use much more potent stuff. This was the subject of last week's Funny Bone post. I supplied the following picture and asked my readers to come up with a slogan for this product.

Try our new improved daytime formula. Now with COCAINE.
Here are the slogans I received:

Addman of Muppets for Justice - Guaranteed for a good nights sleep. Side effects may include vivid dreams, hallucinations, and days spent pretending to be an orange hummingbird.

Shane Morgan of In Shane's Brain - "One Night" helping your inner-rapist since 1875.

Brandie Boddie of Penning Praises - Dreams guaranteed. Whether they're sweet is another story.

A Beer for the Shower Contains less than 1% alcohol, so you know it's good for you!

Sandee of Comedy Plus - When the war on drugs just wasn't an issue.

Neal Call of Raised By My Daughter - Side effects: The munchies. Inebriation. Waking up under random bridges or in seedy Chinese opium dens without any clothes and painted blue.

Amanda of The Southern Unbelle
  • One Night- In case 1 hour isn't enough to finish them off
  • One Night- Endorsed by both Jack the Ripper and Florence Nightingale  
Red of Doesn't Speak Klingon
  • Whoa! The formula for Pamprin!
  • This will keep your woman sane during "that time of the month". Guaranteed.
Manzanita of Wanna Buy a Duck -  One Night....One Knight

Pretty Blue Toenails

This post is a response to Finish the Sentence Friday...
at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine with My Morning Quiet Time?

This weeks question:
One time when I was bored out of my mind…



When I was in college, I was what the college labeled a 'non-traditional' student. I was not considered traditional because I was over 25 years old. I could also get that label from having children. The third way was to be married. I met all three of those criteria. I was a 30 year old married man with two kids.


While I have no regrets about going back to college, I will advise people that what I did is NOT the way to do it. Do what you have to do, but if you have the opportunity to plan it out, do college first. Turning in poop stained term papers from changing a diaper while doing your homework is always a possibility otherwise. Most professors will mark off for a paper that literally stinks.

I had always thought of myself as still a young person until I had this adventure. The kids (and I choose that term purposefully) I sat in class with did not relate to my life. I made a few friends, but we were at different places in maturity. Plus, in the summertime, they all left campus and went home. We had actually moved there and lived in married student housing. The campus was our home year round. Technically, we lived on campus despite it not being in the dorms and in the summertime the place was dead.

I enjoyed my years at school, but without classes to go to the summers left us with a lot of free time. I often found myself doing things I would never normally do, but I had time to kill. It was this extra time that lead to a moment that I am less than proud of.

Our third summer in college, my daughter was four years old and had just discovered make up and understood the concept of getting pretty and playing dress up. Of course, she hadn't started wearing make up yet, but sometimes her mother and her would play with lipstick, blush and mascara. Kirsten loved doing this.

One Saturday morning, Kirsten brought me some nail polish and wanted me to paint her toenails. I had done this a few times before and had actually gotten pretty good at it. I kept the colors inside the lines and everything. Once I got her toes looking all pretty, she asked if she could do mine.

Not my feet, but best picture I could find of color.
She didn't normally get to play with fingernail polish because of the huge potential for a mess, especially in the hands of a four year old, but I decided to let her have a little more fun. So, we stepped out onto the balcony and I let her do my toenails. It may not be the most manly thing to do, but I was bonding with my daughter…AND for a four year old, she did a marvelous job. We cleaned up the spots were she got a little off target and when it was finished, they looked pretty good. I now had sparkly blue toenails.

We sat outside and drank sweet tea while we let our nails dry. It was a beautiful day, we had just had a good time together and I didn't give what I had done a second thought…until my wife saw them. After she finished laughing, she gave me a hard time about it, but it was soon forgotten.

The next day, I was out in the playground with my kids. Soon, a few other fathers came to join us and it wasn't long until one of them looked down at my bare feet and commented on my pretty toes. He called out for everyone within earshot to come look at my feet.

Knowing that I had been discovered and also knowing that I was amongst friends, I proudly showed them off and withstood all the teasing, well aware that it was going to come for a long time after this. I decided right then that when I went back in the house, I needed to take the time to remove the polish. I didn't regret putting it on, but there was no reason to keep it.

When lunchtime came around, I gathered my kids and started back to my apartment. As I rounded the corner, I ran into the Dean of Students. He had come by to welcome a few new families who would be starting in the fall. We exchanged a few pleasantries and he suddenly stopped talking as he glanced down and noticed my toes sparkling in the sun. He just stared at them silently for a few seconds as I tried to curl my toes under my feet.

When he looked up again, he slowly finished what he was saying and excused himself. He didn't ask about the polish and I didn't offer any explanation. In fact, I don't think I said a word. I just stood there. Red-faced.

I removed the polish as soon as I got back to the apartment. The Dean has still never asked about the blue toes.



One time when I was bored out of my mind…I polished my toenails.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Prepping for A to Z Challenge

In about three weeks bloggers all over the world will be tackling the A to Z Blogging Challenge. As of this moment right now, there are 1,045 people signed up to participate. The number keeps climbing and will continue to climb until right up to starting time.

The A to Z Challenge was born on March 27, 2010 when a blogger known as Dee the Red Headed Stepchild wanted to celebrate getting her 200th follower and proposed the idea as a celebration and challenge to herself. She also challenged others to join her.

The concept is pretty simple. Participants write a post every day in the month of April except for Sundays. This leaves 26 days to be filled; the same number as the letters of the alphabet. Each day's posted will be inspired by the letter for the day.

This year April 1 falls on a Monday, so April 1 will be A is for __________.
April 2 will be B is for __________.
We continue to do this every day (except Sundays) until we hit Z is for __________ on April 30.

I already have most of my posts planned out and a few of them even pre-written.

A - Allergies (Sounds exciting doesn't, it)
B - Bird (It's not really about a bird, but you will understand the tie-in when you read it.
D - Deoxyribonucleic Acid  (DNA - There's some exciting new stuff out there)
P - Picnic Table (I will finally tell the story about my worst stunt-induced injury)
Z - Zoo (This one has already been written and it's a little pornographic)


Why would someone want to do this?
  • It is great practice for working on your writing. There is a lot of advice for writers out there, but one of the most common ones is to just write. Write every day. This helps with your creativity and helps you develop the habit of writing.
  • YES!!!
    It gives your writing some great exposure. Part of the challenge involves visiting the other participant's blogs. All the people that have signed up for this are listed on the A to Z website. I have already received close to a hundred extra people just since signing up. Once it actually starts, I will get tons of new traffic.
  • You are introduced to hundreds of new writers. Most of the writers aren't really new, they are just new to you. I have been working my way through the list by visiting 15 to 20 new blogs a day, so I don't have to do them all in one month. I have become a subscriber to several of them.
  • It's fun. I have participated in a few different writing challenges and I have never regretted it. I always have a great time and love the pressure of the challenge. This one has a special twist to it, so I expect it to be even better.

If you are one of the people joining in, good luck to you. I expect that this will be an exciting month. If you are a blogger and are unfamiliar with this, check out the site for more information. If you are not a blogger, but are one of my regular readers, enjoy the ride. I hope to put out some quality content. I am already planning my posts and have completed writing several of them. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Test Your Funny Bone #19: Modern Medicine

A few years ago, I was watching television and a pharmaceutical commercial was on. I don't remember the product or even what it was supposed to treat, but I do remember the disclaimer that came up on the bottom of the screen.

"It is unknown how this drug actually works."

There was no explanation for the statement. It just popped up on the screen for a couple of seconds and was gone. I'm guessing this is one of those drugs that was created accidentally. Viagra was not created with the purpose of what it is being used for today. Scientists were trying to create a new drug to combat hypertension. I don't know if they ever achieved their original goal, but somewhere along the line, they learned that their new wonder drug actually rerouted the blood flow. This happy, although unintentional, side effect became the new focus of the marketing campaign. Now, thanks to that lucky discovery, more men are getting lucky and our children are familiar with the term erectile dysfunction.

At least with Viagra, it is understood how it works. It may have happened on accident, but they understand the science behind it. With this drug I saw in the commercial, they don't know how it works. An unexpected side effect happened and I am sure they were excited and set to work right away to discover what caused it. I will give them the benefit of the doubt for that part. However, when they never found the cause, they decided to sell it anyway…and the FDA approved it for some reason.

I can't say that things have improved much over the years. For this week's Test Your Funny Bone, I have a picture of a product from almost a century ago.

Try our new improved daytime formula. Now with COCAINE.

It seems that today's illicit drugs used to be medicinal tonics. While today we take Nyquil to knock us out for a good night's sleep when we are sick, at one time marijuana, alcohol and chloroform were used to do the trick. I don't know what that would do for your cough, but I have absolutely no doubt that you would sleep through the night.

For this week's caption, I ask that you write a motto or slogan to go with this product. Leave your slogan in the comment section and I will post all responses next week*.

Have fun with it and make us laugh.

*I used to post responses on Friday, but I am moving them to Mondays. I will post the responses and new picture to caption on the same day (Monday).

Friday, March 8, 2013

Funny Bone Results #18 - Penguin Party

This week's caption contest featured my favorite animal - the PENGUIN!
I love them. As usual, I supplied the picture and the readers supplied the caption to go with it. There are no winners or prizes. Everyone just gets to play with no pressure. Well…maybe a little bit of pressure. I mean, I am going to post your responses up for everyone to see. So, there's that.




Let's tear ourselves away from the penguins for a moment to see what captions were submitted.


Addman of Muppets for Justice
  • There was always something fishy about that girl...

Vanessa D of My Half-Assed Life
  • Way to go Chilly, now she knows we're back here.

HeatherL of Stretching My Wings
  • Darn this lack of snow and ice! We'll never catch up to her if we just waddle!

Becky Overturf Wall of Contemplations
  • The Pied Piper can come in all shapes and sizes.
  • I'll ask Mom if my friends can stay for supper.

Sandee of Comedy Plus
  • If just one more of you tries to peek at my underwear there's going to be some real trouble.

A Beer For the Shower
  • Penguin up front: "I don't know what you're doing in this neighborhood, kid, but your kind isn't welcome here." 

Stephen Hayes of The Chubby Chatterbox
  • "What makes her think today is casual Friday?"

Winopants of Wino on a Ramble
  • Little Susie always had to be the best at everything, even show and tell.

Rusty of Swinging Like a Rusty Gate
  • The unlikely sequel: Phalanx of the Penguins

Red of Doesn't Speak Klingon
  • Little girl! Give us back our bow-ties! We feel underdressed!
  • Come with me, penguins...I'll get you top-hats to go with your tuxedos.

 The Six-Fingered Monkey
  • "Must. Eat. Brains."

Jen of Break the Parenting Mold
  •  shhhhh......follow me, I have a pool and a swingset and a slide and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and juice and what kind of juice do you guys like? and we can play dress-up and tea party and ponies and dollies...

Rachael of Rachael's Insane Rants and Bizarre Musings
  • And Will name you "Chilly" and I will name you "Tuxedo" and I will name you...

Heather of Creative Devolution
  • The embarrassment of being the only human to show up to a penguin flash mob.

Arose
  • "This way to the Egress"

Shane Morgan of In Shane's Brain
  • "Now when we get to my house, you all have to hide under the bed."
  • "You remember what we talked about right, you can have the shoes but I get the bow."
  • "Maria! I just fell for a girl named 'Maria'"!

Anonymous
  • "Summer's Eve - so the penguins don't follow your fishy smell"

Valerie of Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi
  • Remember fellas... blend in....

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Real Life Angry Birds

My brother Trevor is a great story teller. Not only does he always have a story to tell, but he tells it really well. At every family gathering, he will share with us one of his latest adventures. I've shared one of his stories before. Click the link to read about the time one of his buddies got stabbed in a bar. I know it doesn't sound like it, but it's a very funny story.

With Friends Like These...

This is one of Trevor's stories. Just like the one in the bar, I was not present for the events. I only got to hear about them after the fact. I will do my best to recall the story as I heard it.



A few years ago, an acquaintance of Trevor's invited him and some of his buddies to a Sunday afternoon barbecue. While they were trying to decide if they had anything better going on that day, the host drops another detail about the party.  

"We will be having ostrich!"

"An ostrich barbecue? Count us in!"

It's not every day you get to eat ostrich and normally, if you do get the opportunity, it is just a taste. This is one of those opportunities you don't want to pass up. The chance to go to an ostrich barbecue doesn't come along very often.

The following weekend, Trevor and his buddies left early to make sure they could find the place since they had never been there before. They arrived about an hour early and the host was happy to see them. He said he needed help getting ready and he didn't have the ostrich yet. They all piled in the back of his truck and took off.

The host drove them to a barn in the middle of nowhere. Trevor asked, "What are we doing here?" He was told, "This is where the ostrich is." Trevor then realized that the meal for the day was still alive. This day just kept getting more interesting.

They opened up a gate to the pasture and drove the truck in. After driving around several acres, they finally saw the large bird off in the distance. Their host handed a .22 rifle to the guys in back of the truck and told them to shoot it when they drove close enough. He also told them that it had to be shot in the head. A body shot would not kill it. One of the guys happily grabbed the rifle to be the one to get the shot, but soon realized this was not an easy feat.

As the truck got closer, the ostrich ran off and the driver accelerated. The truck gave chase as the driver yelled for him to shoot as he pulled up along side the ostrich. Unfortunately, the ostrich didn't allow for that. As the truck would catch up and start to pull to one side, the ostrich would turn away from it as the driver screamed, "SHOOT!"

The shooter was having some problems. Ostriches can run up to about 40 MPH. They were standing in the back of a fast-moving truck driving on unpaved ground, chasing a bird that is darting back and forth, while having to aim at a part of it's body that isn't much bigger than a tennis ball. The rifle got passed around as they all took their shots.

Eventually, one of them got lucky and the bird went down. The driver stopped quickly, jumped out and cut off the head with a machete. Ostriches react much in the same way as chickens when their heads are removed, except in this case, the flopping bird could kill you if you got too close.

Once it settled down, they all grabbed on to throw it into the back of the truck. However, this was 300 pounds of dead weight. They couldn't get a decent grip on it. Every time they tried to pick it up, they were only successful on the sides. They couldn't get the bulk of it off the ground. They couldn't even roll it in.

By this time, they had been out for over an hour. People would be showing up at the BBQ by now expecting to eat. The host was getting anxious to get moving. He dug some chains out from behind the seat and secured them to the bird's feet and the other end to the bumper of his truck. He said if they could get it to the barn, they could come up with something to get it in the truck. They were over a half mile out in the pasture, but they drug that ostrich all the way.

Once they got to barn, they tried setting up boards on the tailgate to roll it in and several other methods. Nothing seemed to work. Eventually, they threw a rope over one of the rafters in the barn and used the truck to lift the bird into the air. They secured the rope and then drove the truck underneath and lowered it back down.

With the ostrich finally in the truck, they triumphantly made their way back to the party. They discovered that many people had arrived and started the celebration without them. The scheduled time had passed over two hours before then and they hadn't even cleaned and butchered the bird yet. Several people jumped in to help to get the meat started, but it was a slow process. Most of the people left before the first pieces came off.

Trevor and his friends stuck around. After all the work they had put into getting it here, they weren't about to miss out. Plus, they were covered in ostrich blood and figured this might be the only place where that look would be acceptable.



Dude WriteAfter Trevor finished his story, I asked him what he thought of ostrich meat. His reply was simple.

"It tastes like chicken."

Monday, March 4, 2013

Funny Bone #18 - Penguin Party

I love penguins. Any time I go to the zoo (which isn't very often), I insist that we see the penguins first and then again on the way out. I love penguins.

I like them so much, when I got married we had a penguin bride and groom on the top of our wedding cake. It took a while to find those. Penguins hadn't yet gained the popularity they have today. Now they're everywhere. Well…images of penguins are everywhere. The actual penguins are mostly where they have always been.

For this week's caption picture, I have showcased my favorite animal. I would love to have the experience that this little girl is having. Turning around and seeing a bunch of penguins following me would be awesome. I just pray that if that ever does happen to me that I will have a camera with me…and some fish so they will keep following.



Alright! The rules are pretty simple. I have supplied the picture. Now you supply the caption. Leave your caption in the comment section. Leave as many as you want and do your best to make us laugh. Every caption I receive, I will post on Friday.

Have fun!

Friday, March 1, 2013

Funny Bone Results #17 - Car Trouble

On Monday, I told a few stories of close calls I had with the only brand new car I ever bought. Those stories led to the picture for this week's caption contest. I supplied the following picture and received captions from 14 different readers.


Here are the captions I received:


Addman of Muppets for Justice and Sinquiry
  • The launch event for Renault's first underwater car turned into something of a wash out.

Shane Morgan of In Shane's Brain
  • "What did you expect for a 50 cent bikini car wash?" (place hand on hip and attempt to be sexy)

Stephen Hayes of The Chubby Chatterbox
  • In the pink and in the drink!

Beer for the Shower
  • Pictured: whale bait and jail bait

Sandee of Comedy Plus
  • I know I'm beautiful, but can I drive? Not so much.

Kevin of Who Woulda Thought?
  • And this is why you don't cheat on psycho girls.

Kianwi of Simply She Goes
  • Despite her small mishap with her car, Natalie was determined to go on with the photo shoot.

Hestia
  • Thirteen year old Amber was mistaken in her belief of how good her modeling AND driving skills were.

Winopants of Wino on a Ramble
  •  An ordinary day of family fun in the Ozarks!

Anonymous
  • "You told me to wash my clothes and wash the car...I did both and NOW you're mad!"

Jay Noel
  • "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate make because I just sank your new Jeep."

Powdered Toast Man of 'Just the Cheese'
  • Unfortunately, Stacey learned her modeling and driving skills from Lindsay Lohan.

Rusty of Swinging Like a Rusty Gate
  • When you park your car, you're not meant to leave your valuables in plain sight.