Tuesday, July 31, 2012

(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)

In my last post (read about it here), I told a few stories from my teenage years concerning events that happened when my parents were not at home. In that post, I briefly mentioned a party that I would cover in my next post. This is that post.

This was not the first time we had been left home alone. We were plenty old enough to not need constant supervision. Although, that may be debatable after reading this post and the last one. They would occasionally have an overnight somewhere, but this time they would be gone for several days. I don't remember where they were going or why we weren't going with them.

They left in the middle of the week and our small group of friends were at the house almost every night. By small group, I do mean a small group. It was other five guys that we spent most of our waking hours with anyway. Most of the nights that week were spent hanging out in the yard, drinking beer and just goofing off. There were a few mishaps, but that is to be expected with eight unsupervised teenagers.

When the weekend finally came, there was a party about a half mile from our house in an open field. For you folks raised in the city, this is pretty commonplace for country youth wanting to have a party.
    There is a reason for the song.
    Thank you, Toby Keith.
  1. Locate a large open area with little to no traffic and away from any roads.
  2. Spread news about location.
  3. Buy a keg
  4. Buy several hundred SOLO cups (very important)
  5. Hire two big guys to stand by keg and charge $5 to drink for the night
  6. Make a buttload of money
Since it was so close to our house and we knew that there was a reasonable chance of consuming massive amounts of alcohol, we decided to walk. Normally, when parties were held at this location, walking would be out of the question, because stumbling into the yard when your parents are home rarely ends well. For my brother Trevor, drinking and returning home at all was usually a bad idea. On one occasion, his friends pulled into the driveway, dumped him in the front yard and sped off before their car could be identified. They did their job as friends to get him home safely, but weren't about to personally look my parents in the eyes and hand him over.

Apparently, these kids don't understand the
significance of the red SOLO cups.
We arrived at the party to over a hundred other teens exercising their right to have their rights removed if they caught. It was a great time. Dozens of pick up trucks with their tailgates down to sit on and visit with your friends. Various cars had their doors open and stereos playing. Some cars were parked on the perimeter facing in with their headlights on to give light. It was your typical teenage redneck country party. We were having a blast and were much more carefree than usual because we didn't have to worry about driving or sobering up before heading home.

Things changed about eleven o'clock when it started raining. Since we were out in an open field, there was no shelter. Once everyone realized it wasn't going to let up, that was the end of the party. As everyone was driving out along the lone tractor lane that accessed the field, several cars stopped to offer us rides. A few, realizing the irony of us walking intoxicated back to our house, learned of our parents being out of town. Word spread through the crowd pretty quickly. After accepting one of the offered rides, I was dropped off at my house to discover that about 30 people were already there. Luckily, one of those people was the owner of the keg, so the party continued.

As much fun as we were having, we were very much aware of the fact that this was happening in my parents' home and we did our best to protect it, short of asking everyone to leave.
  • I recognized the queasy look on a girl's face in time to grab a large mixing bowl and catch the noxious fluids flowing from her stomach, thus saving the carpet.
  • We made people pay attention to where they put their drinks to prevent them from spilling. Plus, we didn't need any rogue evidence being left behind to be discovered later.
  • A girl decided she needed a bath and passed out in the tub in our only bathroom. Trying to be a gentleman, I declined to go in when she wouldn't answer (most bathers are naked), but was worried she would drown. I finally got one of her friends to check on her. She was out cold and I had to go in anyway to help get her now slippery body out of the tub.
  • We kept the vacuum handy to take care of spilled ashtrays and various other messes.
It was a very stressful evening, but we felt we had a handle on it. The sun was just started to peek over the horizon about the time the revelry was coming to an end. People were passed out in various states of undress all over the living room and kitchen. I collapsed in a chair and quickly fell asleep.

A few hours later, I was snapped awake by a knocking on the door. The bright sun stung my eyes and I carefully stepped over the bodies still littering the floor. I tripped over a pair of pants and was wondering what they were doing there. I looked around the room and noticed that a few people had lost a portion of their clothing over the course of the night, including one girl that was clothed in only a sock. There were several other people in their underwear and a few girls that were topless. Whether these people had disrobed voluntarily or been pranked by someone in their drunken stupors was beyond me, but the person at the door knocked again, so I continued my journey across the living room.

I opened the door to two smiling faces who asked if they could have a moment of my time to tell me about Jesus. They were the Jehovah's Witnesses that had been canvasing our area for the last couple of weeks.

Under normal circumstances, I would have turned them away. However, I was suddenly acutely aware of the condition of the room I was standing in and despite my alcohol-induced haze and wanging headache, I love to watch people squirm when uncomfortable, so I invited them in.

I stepped back so they could come inside and waited as their eyes adjusted to the light. The toothy smiles vanished as they scanned the room. One of them started to turn back toward the door and quickly decided against it. He slowly began to smile again while the other one still stood with his mouth hanging open.

The smiling one asked, "Would there be a better time to come back?"

I waved my hand and replied, "No. I'm not doing anything right now. You caught me on a good day. Let's go to the kitchen. Would you like some coffee? Oh, watch your step."

The three of us started working our way through the room stepping over half naked teens. I bent down to pick up a bra, "Sorry. The house is a bit of a mess."

As I held up the bra, the one who still wasn't smiling, but had started to sweat profusely, took a quick step back onto the leg of the naked girl. She shouted an obscenity and punched his foot. "Watch where you're going, idiot!"

He immediately ran out of the house leaving the smiling one behind. As soon he got outside, I could hear him crying.

"Is something wrong with him?" I asked in my best confused, innocent voice.

He grinned bigger than ever and said, "He must have forgotten something in the car." He handed me a copy of the Watchtower and said he would go check on him. He slowly turned and chose his steps very carefully over the sleeping drunks. Once outside, he helped his sobbing partner into the car and they sped off.

I carefully found my way back to the chair and fell asleep smiling, knowing the party was a success.

45 comments:

  1. THAT has to be the most awesome story EVER. That ending...I hate to be all cliché and all but EPIC.

    AND this is the very reason why, as parents of teens, I never leave them overnight. They don't know that. They are good kids...but they're kids. Thanks for confirming my choice. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are quite welcome. I am glad you enjoyed it. We were good kids too, but had a penchant for mischief. The party wasn't planned, but we didn't stop it either. I won't leave my teenagers either.

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  2. That's so hilarious, but I kinda feel bad for them. You must have scarred them for life... in an incredibly funny way.

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    Replies
    1. I don't know what happened to them after that, but they never came back.

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  3. Replies
    1. I was a great one, but a one time deal.

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  4. Wonderful story. I never managed to have an event of this magnitude when I was growing up. I'm impressed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It just sort of happened. No planning, but it turned out well.

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  5. Hahahaha I love that ending so much!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. The extended ending involved a massive clean up, but that's not as fun to write about.

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  6. I've been to redneck parties like that! In fact, the unofficial "after prom" was a collection of pick-ups at the lake.

    ...I never passed out at someone's house after a party while I was in high school, though. I must have been one of the "good kids".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We had out own private lake that we used on occasion, but it was just for our small group.

      Most of them just stayed to sleep, but they had earned it.

      Delete
  7. Sadly, I have never had an event in my life but had the redneck part covered. Great ending!

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    Replies
    1. The redneck is the best part. People can't tell it now to look at or talk to me, but I come from rednecks.

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  8. LOL, you're such a Bogan..... oh to be a teenager again....... *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had to look up Bogan, but I get it now. I am not sure I would want my teenage years back.

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    2. See I had to look up redneck..... same same!! LOL

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  9. Awesome. Well done. I love fucking with JW's. You want to come into my house? Let's see how quickly I can make you regret that decision.

    I never threw a party at my house for the very reason you were so alert and vigilant. I saw some kids totally lose control and have major damage done to the house.

    One party wound up with all of the lamps and figurines smashed with a pool cue, the microwave destroyed by some joker putting a drawer full of silverware in there and hitting full power, and someone put a full, sealed can of soup in the oven and set it for 500. That went off like a grenade.

    But the absolute low-light of the party was when the host, extremely intoxicated, decided he needed to patch things up with his ex-girlfriend and drove his car through the side of the house.

    That shit's much funnier to watch when it's happening in someone else's house.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had been to parties where things went south. I guess we got lucky.

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  10. that story was worth the week long wait, because it seriously just got funnier and funnier and had an ending worthy of a tall tale, well done! one might almost think that someone with a cosmic sense of humor orchestrated the timing of your visitors, and gave the smiley guy some mad props....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Their timing couldn't have been better. It happened over 20 years ago and I still love to tell that story.

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  11. Oh, I love it! I'm sure the poor Jehovah's Witnesses are still sharing that story, too! They were brave for actually coming inside, though.

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    Replies
    1. I was surprised they made it past the door.

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  12. HILARIOUS!!! Wonder how many rednecks a JW has ever converted? They haven't gotten very far at my redneck house. Stopping by from Kelly's Break Room.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for stopping by. I don't know of any to this day in that area, so I don't believe they have had much luck.

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  13. I want an invite to your next shindig. Why does everyone have better parties than me? Oh, that's right, I'm anti-social.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was a one time deal a long time ago. I am out of the party business. I am kind of anti-social now too.

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  14. Drunk naked people chase off the Watchtower Patrol, huh? Here I thought saying I was a Mormon worked well.

    WG

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    Replies
    1. I worked amazingly well. It was not my intention, but I was pleased with the result.

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  15. Oh mischief and mayhem... they are nearly inseparable when you are a teenager. Fun read!

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We carried trouble around with us. We kept ourselves out of jail, but pushed the limits sometimes.

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  16. It's not a party until the police break it up or you make a Jehovah's Witness cry. That is hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I will say it that way from now on. Thank you.

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  17. I loved how this turned into a family-friendly version of Project X into, well, awesomeness.

    A+ Post.

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  18. Sounds like some party! I wish some of my parties ended with naked bodies everywhere...and Jehovah's witnesses witnessing the sins of the previous night! I can't believe you invited them in!

    Great post! And a fun read!

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    Replies
    1. I sometimes wonder if THEY tell the story of that day.

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    2. I kinda wonder why the one guy was smiling. He was probably "Score, I finally have something for the spank bank besides JC Penny's catalogs!"

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    3. I don't really know, but I believe he was trying to act like he was comfortable and nothing was wrong.

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  19. Haha this was your best post yet. So funny, dude.

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  20. Brilliant. That sounds like a great house party. Mine always ended in someone being injured, one time an ambulance had to be called. I can't imagine the faces of those Jehovah's Witnesses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The night before, my brother had a knife thrown through his foot. I addressed that one in my previous post. Had we done this on more occasions, I am sure there would have been some bigger issues, but this was a one time thing.

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  21. Isn't it amazing how a keg can magically appear anytime the parents are away? Glad to know I'm not the only screw up with accidental teenage keg party past. Yeah, needless to say I will not be leaving the children alone to become the victims of unexpected keg invaders.

    Great post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I went to plenty of those parties. It happened a lot. This was the first and last time at my house. Overnight stays away from the house while my kids are at home is a no-no for me as well.

      Delete

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