Monday, April 11, 2016

I is for Insomniac

As a participant in the A to Z Blogging Challenge, I will be making my way through the alphabet all month.

Recent studies have proven that people who don't get enough sleep are typically more tired than their well-rested counterparts. Let that sink in for a moment.

People need their sleep.

Despite many rumors to the contrary, I do fall into the category of people…and like other people, I need my sleep as well. However, as many of us have learned over the course of our sleep-deprived lives, we don't always get what we need.

It started several years ago and used to come in waves. I didn't really have a sleeping problem and then suddenly one night, I couldn't sleep. Not a big deal, but this trend lasted for several months. I wasn't even tired. I was wide awake and sleep just wouldn't come. So, I watched television, read, surfed the web and did laundry. Once, I tried to mow the lawn, but the neighbors were pretty vocal about that one.

Then, months later, my insomnia just went away. Much like a protestor at a Trump rally, it just disappeared. I slept like a baby every night with no issues. It didn't take long for me to completely forget about it.

However, about a year later, it returned. It lasted for a few months and then went away. Since then, it has come and gone many times, but it lasts longer and there is less time between spurts of sleeplessness. In fact, in the last year, I have only gotten about 96 minutes of uninterrupted sleep.

When you remove sleep from your schedule, you find yourself with an extra 8 hours in your day. Actually, it's even more than 8 hours because you don't have to get ready for bed and there is not the morning routine of getting up from your sleep to get moving again. With all that extra time, I have gotten a lot done.

I have:
  • Read the entirety of the Internet
  • Written and sent individualized letters to every state representative detailing my zombie apocalypse plan of action
  • Perfected my crock-pot buffalo chicken recipe
  • Proposed a legislative solution to be border dispute of Fergana Valley, specifically the Kyrgyz village of Barak, the Tajik exclave villages of Sarvan, Vorukh and Kairagach, and the Uzbek exclave towns of Sokh and Shakhimardan as well as the tiny territories of Chong-Kara and Dzhangail.
  • Wrote three volumes of Dr. Who/Orange is the New Black cross-over fan ficion
  • Caused canine chaos every 2 a.m. by blowing my dog whistle in the apartment stairwell
  • Convinced Stephen King to write a book about demon-possessed mascara
  • Received an Order of Protection from Tom Brady due to cyber-bullying
  • Invented a new type of syphilis (this was accidental)
So, until I can find out what keeps me from sleeping through the night, rest assured that I have things under control. With enough time, I'll get this world fixed.


  1. I would be interested to see the Dr. Who/OITNB crossover - that would be... odd.
    Funny stuff, mister!

  2. You're posts aren't showing up in my feed, so I had to come-a hunting. Playing catch-up now and oh boy, did that list make me laugh. :)

    1. Well then, mission accomplished. Laughter is what I was going for.

  3. Let me get this straight--you say the less sleep one gets, the more likely they will be tired?Is there somewhere I can send some money for more stunning research like that, or do I just send it to your insomnia productivity campaign?

    1. It threw me too. I had no idea there was any correlation.

      And I'll be happy to take your money.


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