Kiss My Asteroid

I am not what you would call a worrier. People have called me other things:

nerd
jerk
a**hole
four eyes
moron
smart a**
lazy
know-it-all

But never a worrier. I tend to not get too worked up about things. Even when everyone else is in panic mode because a buffalo trampled the neighbor's car, I find myself wondering if I still have any pizza in the freezer for tonight…and if buffalo flesh would make good pepperoni.

AMC! This is not a joke!

However, if I ever decided to become someone who does that…and by 'that' I mean panic, not someone who makes pepperoni out of buffalo butt…I figure there actually is plenty to worry about. The unemployment rate is higher than it was during the Great Depression, Burger King has been serving its unsuspecting customers horse meat, Nickelback is about to start touring again, the New Madrid fault line could cause a massive earthquake in the Midwest at anytime, Daryl has left the group to rejoin his loser brother Merle, America-hating North Korea is developing nuclear weapons, every year there is a new supervirus threatening to wipe us out, Breaking Bad is in its last season and our own satellites fall out of the sky.

AND as if all these things here weren't bad enough, now even outer space is trying to kill us. Have you seen this video?

This video says there were no confirmed injuries, but since then about 1,100 have been reported. Then, just a few hours later, a football stadium sized asteroid buzzes by the earth. It came within 17,150 miles. All the space geeks were trying to control their excitement since this was the closest a rock of that size has ever been recorded.

SERIOUSLY!?!

They got that excited about a rock that flew right by us when just 16 hours earlier, we had one that was over 17,000 miles closer. While the one that flew by couldn't even be seen by the naked eye. The one in in Chelyabinsk, Russia couldn't be missed. It shattered windows, caused structural damage, injured over a thousand people and left a crater.

On top of that, the scientists say these two events are unrelated. UNRELATED!!!

Consider this scenario: If you live within a mile of a large zoo and one day you come home from work to find an Asian elephant giving birth in your swimming pool while a kangaroo is molesting your birdbath, are you going to assume someone's pets got out of their cage and jumped your fence or there must be a circus in town missing an opening act?

No! Your first thought is going to be the zoo…and you would be right.

We have a huge rock hurtle by our planet closer than most of the orbiting satellites we put in space. That never happens. Like never. Less than 24 hours before that event, a rock falls out of the sky and sucker punches Russia. How often does that happen? Almost never. These two events happen within a day of each other and they are unrelated. I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.

I'm just waiting for aliens to come crawling out of that crater in Russia, give the all clear and then the 'rock' that sailed by will return and actually come down this time, buy up all the Iraqi currency and disappear again until it has risen in value to equal the Kuwaiti dinar and then retire in Florida as multi-gajillionaires. The massive stacks of funds they bring into the area combined with their delicate digestive system will cause Jamba Juice stock to skyrocket. However, due to their implorable table manners and noxious body odor, human retirees will relocate to New Orleans causing it to become the osteoporosis and Viagra capital of the United States. Jazz dies out and the Saints relocate to Omaha, Nebraska.

Having nothing to do in Nebraska but eat corn and concentrate on their games, the team wins the next five consecutive Super Bowls. Other teams take notice of this winning strategy and begin to relocate to cities with less amenities. The Chicago Bears move and become the Boise Spuds. The Philadelphia Eagles cross the country to Walla Walla, Washington and the Patriots renounce their citizenship, move to Canada and become champion Olympic curlers.

Their subsequent gold medal causes curling to become the national past time and ESPN jumps on the bandwagon and only televises similar sports. Twenty-four hours a day of curling, shuffleboard, and bridge tournaments. The alien retirees, no longer intimidated by the slow and quiet lifestyle that has spread through the country begin to spread to other states opening Jamba Juice franchises in every major city.

The overabundance of juice being made creates a fruit shortage and the entire country gets scurvy due to a lack of vitamin C. The scurvy-driven joint stiffness causes our world class curlers to lose the Olympic gold medal to the Russians whose team training has been financed by the wealthy aliens now residing in our borders and destroying our society from within.

Now, too weak for us to do anything about it, the Russians admit that they invited the aliens here and this was part of their master plan all along. They become the world superpower and the United States sinks to the rating of a fifth world country (two spots below third world status) and the aliens move to China leaving empty Jamba Juices all over the country going bankrupt. We later turn them into museums and memorial centers, but they are only visited by hobos looking for a place to stay for the night.

Folks, these flying space rocks will be the downfall of our entire society, unless we pass and enforce stricter immigration laws to keep those aliens out.

I am not a worrier. I have a plan.