Sunday, February 17, 2013

Kiss My Asteroid

I am not what you would call a worrier. People have called me other things:

nerd
jerk
a**hole
four eyes
moron
smart a**
lazy
know-it-all

But never a worrier. I tend to not get too worked up about things. Even when everyone else is in panic mode because a buffalo trampled the neighbor's car, I find myself wondering if I still have any pizza in the freezer for tonight…and if buffalo flesh would make good pepperoni.

AMC! This is not a joke!
However, if I ever decided to become someone who does that…and by 'that' I mean panic, not someone who makes pepperoni out of buffalo butt…I figure there actually is plenty to worry about. The unemployment rate is higher than it was during the Great Depression, Burger King has been serving its unsuspecting customers horse meat, Nickelback is about to start touring again, the New Madrid fault line could cause a massive earthquake in the Midwest at anytime, Daryl has left the group to rejoin his loser brother Merle, America hating North Korea is developing nuclear weapons, every year there is a new supervirus threatening to wipe us out, Breaking Bad is in its last season and our own satellites fall out of the sky.

AND as if all these things here weren't bad enough, now even outer space is trying to kill us. Have you seen this video?



This video says there were no confirmed injuries, but since then about 1,100 have been reported. Then, just a few hours later, a football stadium sized asteroid buzzes by the earth. It came within 17,150 miles. All the space geeks were trying to control their excitement since this was the closest a rock of that size has ever been recorded.

SERIOUSLY!?!

They got that excited about a rock that flew right by us when just 16 hours earlier, we had one that was over 17,000 miles closer. While the one that flew by couldn't even be seen by the naked eye. The one in in Chelyabinsk, Russia couldn't be missed. It shattered windows, caused structural damage, injured over a thousand people and left a crater.

On top of that, the scientists say these two events are unrelated. UNRELATED!!!

Consider this scenario: If you live within a mile of a large zoo and one day you come home from work to find an Asian elephant giving birth in your swimming pool while a kangaroo is molesting your birdbath, are you going to assume someone's pets got out of their cage and jumped your fence or there must be a circus in town missing an opening act?

No! Your first thought is going to be the zoo…and you would be right.

We have a huge rock hurtle by our planet closer than most of the orbiting satellites we put in space. That never happens. Like never. Less than 24 hours before that event, a rock falls out of the sky and sucker punches Russia. How often does that happen? Almost never. These two events happen within a day of each other and they are unrelated. I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.

I'm just waiting for aliens to come crawling out of that crater in Russia, give the all clear and then the 'rock' that sailed by will return and actually come down this time, buy up all the Iraqi currency and disappear again until it has risen in value to equal the Kuwaiti dinar and then retire in Florida as multi-gajillionaires. The massive stacks of funds they bring into the area combined with their delicate digestive system will cause Jamba Juice stock to skyrocket. However, due to their implorable table manners and noxious body odor, human retirees will relocate to New Orleans causing it to become the osteoporosis and Viagra capital of the United States. Jazz dies out and the Saints relocate to Omaha, Nebraska.

Having nothing to do in Nebraska but eat corn and concentrate on their games, the team wins the next five consecutive Super Bowls. Other teams take notice of this winning strategy and begin to relocate to cities with less amenities. The Chicago Bears move and become the Boise Spuds. The Philadelphia Eagles cross the country to Walla Walla, Washington and the Patriots renounce their citizenship, move to Canada and become champion Olympic curlers.

Their subsequent gold medal causes curling to become the national past time and ESPN jumps on the bandwagon and only televises similar sports. Twenty-four hours a day of curling, shuffleboard, and bridge tournaments. The alien retirees, no longer intimidated by the slow and quiet lifestyle that has spread through the country begin to spread to other states opening Jamba Juice franchises in every major city.

The overabundance of juice being made creates a fruit shortage and the entire country gets scurvy due to a lack of vitamin C. The scurvy-driven joint stiffness causes our world class curlers to lose the Olympic gold medal to the Russians whose team training has been financed by the wealthy aliens now residing in our borders and destroying our society from within.

Now, too weak for us to do anything about it, the Russians admit that they invited the aliens here and this was part of their master plan all along. They become the world superpower and the United States sinks to the rating of a fifth world country (two spots below third world status) and the aliens move to China leaving empty Jamba Juices all over the country going bankrupt. We later turn them into museums and memorial centers, but they are only visited by hobos looking for a place to stay for the night.

Folks, these flying space rocks will be the downfall of our entire society, unless we pass and enforce stricter immigration laws to keep those aliens out.

I am not a worrier. I have a plan.

29 comments:

  1. A plan is a good thing to have. I`m going to go start my vitamin C stockpile now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good thing I've been practicing my asteroid blasting for over 30 years. ***--<

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Asteroid game looked better when I typed it

      Delete
    2. Quite all right. I see what you were going for.

      I don't know that we would have an actual defense for a large asteroid. I guess we would have to know it was coming in time to go out and move it Armageddon style.

      Delete
  3. You didn't list any of *my* names for you!

    Double bonus for the Jamba Juice mention. I love this scenario. I'll be on the lookout for these aliens!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think your names would elicit the same response as the other. Although, they are much more pleasant.

      I have actually never been to a Jamba Juice.

      Delete
  4. There's little point worrying about these things. I just hope that when the asteroid hits I have a circle of chocolate on my mouth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would be great. As long as my food supply wasn't interrupted, I wouldn't care what happened.

      Delete
  5. Bwahahahahahahaha. You crack me up. You really do.

    Everything is gloom and doom.

    Have a terrific day. ☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just couldn't think of a way to put a positive spin on an alien invasion resulting in economic collapse.

      Delete
  6. Ah, but you forget the fact that when we are a 5th world nation we can get gazillion euro loans to rebuild infrastructure and not pay them! FREE MONEY

    Hestia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they will loan personally to me as well, then I vote for the aliens.

      Delete
  7. You do know that someone is going to steal this and turn it into a film starring Bruce Willis? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sucks. I was hoping for Liam Neeson.

      Delete
  8. The lumps of rock that rained down on us recently were unrelated in the respect they were travelling in different directions. Their origin was probably the same though i.e. the Asteroid Belt between Mars and Jupiter that occasionally takes a pot-shot at us.

    The reports on the Russian meteor were misleading in that nobody was actually hurt by the object itself. It was mostly injuries from glass shattered by the sonic boom. I might be a bit selfish but I sort of hope I am around for the big one that wipes out mankind. We all have to die sometime and it would be nice to say I was there at the end of the world.

    I think there is a flaw in my logic somewhere but I haven't worked it out yet.

    Brett Minor? Is that a constellation?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not a constellation, But I proposed the name of Asia when my daughter was born. My wife didn't go for it.

      I would have loved to be there to see the flash in the sky in Russia.

      Delete
    2. LOL I would have insisted on Asia and possibly Morris for a boy. Sometimes we have to think of the kids and school though. I have a friend Andrew Head who never thought it through when he named his second son Richard.

      Delete
    3. Wow. His kid will always hate him.

      Delete
  9. This is brilliant! Thanks for linking up with TALU!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I just discovered it last night. I will be making my rounds to the other participants later this evening.

      Delete
  10. Cracked up reading that ... wondering what you might have been smoking while writing it LOL. And don't worry, looks like Darryl is back with the rest of the gang. ;) [#TALU]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just caught the episode. i don't know where they are going to go with it, but am happy to see that he's back.

      Delete
  11. Your mind. It's a frightening thing.
    LOL!
    Thanks for linking this up with the TALU!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I enjoy it in here. Thank you for coming by.

      Delete
  12. Aliens would be excellent. I think they'd immediately ask to speak with Donald Trump. They've probably got some real estate they'd like to unload.

    Thanks for linking up to the Monday hop Brett!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aliens would be great if they would just land and then stand there so we could look at them and then send them away.

      Delete
  13. ok first of all is that true about the unemployment rate? how come we don't know that....Also - is it wrong that I am more upset about Breaking Bad than I am about the asteroid???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If we counted the unemployment stats in the same way we did back then, then YES, it is worse now. At least, that is what I have heard on the news.

      I'm gonna miss Breaking Bad, but I am ready for it to get started. June 16 is first day back.

      Delete

Leave a comment. C'MON!!! You're already here. Leave a comment. Don't leave me hanging and wondering if any has ever seen these words. I'll rub your feet.