Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Dad, do you ever get that Not-So-Fresh feeling?

Important information before reading: This will be my third post involving escorting my handi-capable friend Adam to the emergency room. Because of the incredibly high number of readers of the first post, he was highly embarrassed by the sensitive content. (He was bleeding from his groin area, but don't mention it. He is still kind of sensitive about it.)

In the second post, I used the alias of Steve so no one would know I was talking about him. However, since that is the same name I used when calling Red to find out how to send her flowers, it caused some unforeseen confusion. My apologies to the Secret Squirrels. Therefore, this time Adam will be referred to as Sven and not Steve. I can't think of any scenario where I would be using that name for anything else. So this is the story of Sven and his visit to the emergency room last night.


Yesterday, I was writing about my writer's block. I had nothing to write about. However, I knew that problem was about to be solved as soon as Sven called me to say he needed to go to the emergency room. Every trip to the hospital with him not only gives me something to write about, but the traffic to my site skyrockets. Not wanting to miss this opportunity Wanting to help my friend, I flew to his house as quick as I could to get this adventure underway.

I burst into his house and asked, "What happened?"

SVEN: Do you want to see it?
ME: See what?
SVEN: The problem I am having?
ME: Tell me what it is first.
SVEN: I think I have a yeast infection.
ME: (chortling) Uh...
SVEN: It's not funny.

Sven appeared to be missing the humor in the situation. As I was trying to stifle my laughter (unsuccessfully), I asked, "Are you positive that's what it is?"

Sven explained to me the symptoms he had. He had looked them up on the internet and the site he found said that this happens sometimes in males when they have high blood sugar. Sven has been battling his blood sugar for a few months, so this made sense. Based on what he told me, I had to agree.

          ME: I'm sorry. I didn't know men could get yeast infections.

SVEN: So, do you want to see it now?
ME: NO!
SVEN: How about if I take a picture of it and show you that?
ME: Why do you keep wanting me to look?
SVEN: It doesn't have to be weird!
ME: It is weird. Keep your pants up and let's go.
We get to the hospital and battle the construction at the entrance just like the last two times. Sven gets out and hobbles* into the entrance. I park the car and head inside the hospital.
*For my new readers: Sven is an amputee. He is missing one foot and three toes on the other foot. This is why he hobbles.
The nurse had no shoes!
As soon as I walked in they pointed me toward his room. We have been there enough times, they know us by now. They have even gotten in the habit of trying to get us out of there as quickly as possible. Not everyone seems to appreciate our humor...well, my humor and Sven's lack of social restraint. A nurse was already in there gathering the required information. It was taking a while to get her to understand what the actual problem was since Sven was uncomfortable using any words referring to genitalia to a woman.

While waiting for her to finish with Sven, I hear the following conversation outside the room:

DOCTOR: Do you have any more questions?
PATIENT: Yes. Why are gas prices so high?
DOCTOR: Why would I know the answer to that?
PATIENT: I don't know. You look Middle Eastern. I thought you might have some insight.
DOCTOR: Leave. Now!

The doctor comes in and asks Sven to explain the problem. Sven tells him his symptoms and explains the high blood sugar. The doctor confirms that it sounds like a yeast infection, but like any good doctor, he wants to see the affected area.

During the examination of the area and lots of wincing from Sven, the doctor says, "You are circumsized, right?"  Sven replies, "You're not helping my confidence, Doc."  The doctor then decides that the diagnosis is a male yeast infection.  He tells Sven that he will be prescribing a medicine to be taken orally for three days and two topical creams.

He explains that the first cream is to be used for three days and then thrown away to start using the second cream. He then repeated, "Only use the first cream for three days. The tube will not be empty, but DO NOT use any more of it. It has a steroid in it, so you will want to switch to the other cream."

I remarked,  "Of course, because the last thing any guy wants is to bulk up in that area."

I don't think the doctor got the joke...or maybe he was still worked up about the gas prices question from earlier, but he didn't even crack a smile.

After giving me an uncomfortably long dirty look, he continued explaining how to treat the area. He said, "Wash the area twice a day and then put the cream on. Don't touch the area at any other time. Wash it, put on cream and don't touch. Only touch when washing and putting on cream. Keep your hands off it the rest of the time. Don't touch it. Don't touch it." Then he walked out.

SVEN: Is he telling me not to play with myself?
ME: That's what it sounded like to me.
SVEN: But this is Monday. There's nothing good on TV tonight.
ME: Do you want to get better or not?
SVEN: I guess I could watch Dancing With the Stars. 
ME: Good idea.
SVEN:  And there is no way I gonna stop with the steroid after only three days.
ME: Calm down, Tyrone


If you really want to see
what Sven's yeast infection looks like,
click the picture.


62 comments:

  1. You evil bastard. It took all of my will power to keep from clicking on that picture.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The stats on that picture are pretty high. Not as many others could hold off.

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  2. The whole reason I choose abstinence is to avoid this sort of thing, but it happens anyway.

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  3. Replies
    1. He likes his life on display and I am more than happy to oblige.

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  4. Lol... so mean! Should I click on the picture or not.... I'm dying to, and I'm sure you haven't put an actual photo of Sven's... but I want to see!

    Ok, I'm going to do it lol - just a sec!

    Lol! I looked! I thought it was going to be a picture of a squirrel, or some such cute creature. Everyone, watch out!

    Train, hope that cream works! Eat a lot of yoghurt - supposed to do wonders. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every time I use him for one of these posts, I let him read it and make suggestions before I post it. I am not as mean to my friends as these make me out to be.

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    2. Awww I know that. Well, I guessed it anyway. I figure Train gets almost excited as you when you get to go to the hospital together. He obviously enjoys attention like the rest of us ;-)

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    3. Bozo- Your right although these things have happened right next to each other...Nobody wants to go the hospital alone!!! And we "always" make it fun.

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    4. Train, I sensed a certain gleeful anticipation about your earlier comment of "let the jokes begin" lol

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    5. He expected a lot more teasing, but no one has let him have it yet.

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  5. You know when people write, "I almost peed myself laughing?" Well in this case, it's would happen to be true. (knew I should have gone to the toilet before I read this)

    You and Sven are absolute comedy gold! And the comment about the doctor having inside info on oil prices, I still have tears in my eyes.

    And yes, I fully admit that I did looked at the picture. (with one eye open and even that was a squint) And I'm glad I did! (still laughing like a loon)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I looked too

      Don't judge me! I'm the internet generation, I can't be shocked by anything any more!

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    2. Thank you, Lily and did you feel ashamed.

      Rusty, the stats on the picture page are almost as high as here. Very few did not click it.

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  6. I almost didn't even read this because of your warning that "this one is graphic!" But I have to admit it made me chuckle. ...thank you for censoring the picture...although I still believe it is probably a picture of something else.

    How long from a comfortable dirty look until it becomes an "uncomfortably long dirty look"?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am glad you came and checked it out.

      The look became uncomfortable very fast since I could see the hatred behind his eyes.

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  7. I didn't click that picture at the bottom -- nope, didn't do it. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?! I DIDN'T CLICK IT!

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    Replies
    1. Good for you. That picture has a high number of hits, so not everyone can say the same.

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  8. People have commented by facebook and email and said you cant make this stuff up...i just wanted to say that I just dont go to the ER for fun....just wierd that this has l happened at once...

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    Replies
    1. We have the best hospital in the country. I LOVE going there.

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  9. I resisted looking at the picture, then all the comments REALLY made me want to look at the picture. I still resisted......i'll probably come back later just to look at the picture.

    i feel sorry for Sven, with his missing limb and toes AND a male yeast infection. That's some bad luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah. We has had a very rough way to go in the last few years. He tells his story on his blog if you're interested in what happened to him to put him in this situation.

      The Train's Whistle

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  10. Well, first off . . . it is very considerate of you to change your friend Adam's name in these posts so nobody knows who you are talking about. Really, that is the sign of a true friend.

    Second, I did not look at the picture. I will not look at that picture. If it really is what you purport, I am the same as you and I "don't wanna see it!" If it's not, then I don't wanna be punked. Fair?

    (But really, the best way to get people to look at something is to tell them not to, you do realize that right? Oh snap, now I have ideas for MY blog! Thanks).

    "I guess I could watch Dancing with the Stars." Hee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We had a lot of fun with this one. He wasn't in as much pain as he has been for past visits.

      The stats on that picture are so high, I think less than 5% of the readers did not click over.

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    2. I can promise you, I will never have a desire to click the picture.

      And thank you again for censoring it!

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    3. You are very welcome. I try to keep this somewhat family friendly.

      Delete
  11. I can't believe I clicked on the link. Look, I don't deal well with curiosity. I had no idea men could get yeast infections. For some reason, I crave bread.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't know that either until yesterday. I wish I still didn't.

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    2. NellieVaughn- you never let me down....that is what I expected from you...just great...and wonderful...

      Delete
  12. Okay "cream" and "ointment" are also on the list of things thou shall not say.

    I need not click the picture. But I kind of wish Sven was in my life. Just for humor - so I take it this doctor was not Dr. Doolittle?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No. We got a new doctor this time. We were hoping for Doolittle. He's funny.

      I forgot to consult your banned word list. I need to write a post sometime and skirt around your words. It could be fun.

      Delete
  13. I am totally forwarding this to The Mister. He and I have a long running argument about whether men can get yeast infections. I must bask in the glory of my rightness. Poor Sven. Poor poor Sven.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Google MALE YEAST INFECTION and you will learn more than you ever wanted to know.

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  14. I feel so bad for "Sven" but I'm laughing so hard that I'm almost crying.

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    Replies
    1. I had the same reaction when I first found out. It's hard not to.

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  15. I have not clicked the picture, yet!!! I am still waiting on Shawna to get a minute to read it. We will have to see if she clicks the picture.

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    Replies
    1. The picture has almost as many hits as the post does. I think most people can't resist.

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    2. This is shawna.....I need to start by saying i love reading about your adventures with sven. When i walk into the office and see smilie89 with a big smile on her face i say "oh boy whats the blog about today?" Ok ur right i am BAD BAD BAD!!! LOL I was suckered into seeing if someone would really post a pic of that!!! I must addmit that there was a lil bit of curosity....but shhh dont tell!

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    3. I won't say a word. Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  16. One of the things that never ceases to amaze me about males is the embarrassment they clearly suffer when expected to show their manly parts to a doctor. Yet, if no doctor is around and there's nobody likely to call the police out it comes.

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    Replies
    1. I haven't met many that fit that description. I know they are out there, but I think it is far from common. Maybe I run in the wrong circles.

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    2. Hmm, maybe I run in the wrong circles.

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  17. I didn't even hesitate to click on the picture. What is wrong with me?

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  18. That was hilarious! And of curse I had to click on the picture!

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  19. Oh my goodness. Every comment that crossed my mind is inappropriate.

    But then gain, so is asking someone to look at your male yeast infection.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I understand. It was difficult to write this, get my point across and still keep it appropriate for most audiences.

      And I never did look at it or a picture.

      Delete
  20. I so would have jumped on the Steroid comment as well. Unfortunately, it will cost Sven the chance to compete in the whack-off Olympics, unless of course it becomes a commercialized team sport like Basketball in which case, they will let him play but only because there is a revenue stream...

    WG
    http://itsmynd.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes the joke is placed neatly wrapped in front of you. It is hard to not run with it.

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  21. Dear Brett - Sven is a very big deal, Sven is what people in my house refer to as farts. There's a hilarious number of related terms as well. Sincerely, Jenny D.

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    Replies
    1. I didn't know that. I will have to fill him in. I am sure he will be appreciative.

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  22. You are so *cross my legs funny* I didn't click but it just played on my mind all day...... my FB friends kept asking "did you click" I had to come back..... I was scared but I clicked bahhhhaaaaaa lolololol !! You are by far in the top 5 of my favorite bloggers. At least I can sort of sleep better now I've clicked......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm thinking about turning it into a screenplay.

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  23. You could have put some sort of picture ... obviously not one of an infection, that would be gross. But it's a great way to see how many people are reading.

    Visiting from WOE.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I debated what to put there. Finally settled on the text. Thanks for visiting.

      Delete
  24. Oh my GOD -- OF COURSE I clicked for a picture. The message was hilarious. Yes, I am a bad bad reader. The poor guy must have been wretched. The conversation with the doctor? Pure gold. I guess a lot of guys lube up with the cream and get a little excited ey?

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    Replies
    1. Unfortunately, I didn't have to make any of it up. It all happened. Thank you and thanks for visiting.

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  25. Yeah I clicked.

    You sneaky sod.
    Hilarious story too - even if sven wasn't feeling to great I hope he takes some comfort from knowing that the internet is laughing at his pain.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah. I do have him read and approve the posts before they go up. He is a good sport.

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Getting comments on my blog is like finding a McNugget in my fries. It just doesn't get any better. Leave a comment while you're here.