Dad, do you ever get that Not-So-Fresh feeling?

Important information before reading: This will be my third post involving escorting my handi-capable friend Adam to the emergency room. Because of the incredibly high number of readers of the first post, he was highly embarrassed by the sensitive content. (He was bleeding from his groin area, but don't mention it. He is still kind of sensitive about it.)

In the second post, I used the alias of Steve so no one would know I was talking about him. However, since that is the same name I used when calling Red to find out how to send her flowers, it caused some unforeseen confusion. My apologies to the Secret Squirrels. Therefore, this time Adam will be referred to as Sven and not Steve. I can't think of any scenario where I would be using that name for anything else. So this is the story of Sven and his visit to the emergency room last night.

Yesterday, I was writing about my writer's block. I had nothing to write about. However, I knew that problem was about to be solved as soon as Sven called me to say he needed to go to the emergency room. Every trip to the hospital with him not only gives me something to write about, but the traffic to my site skyrockets. Not wanting to miss this opportunity Wanting to help my friend, I flew to his house as quick as I could to get this adventure underway.

I burst into his house and asked, "What happened?"

SVEN: Do you want to see it?

ME: See what?

SVEN: The problem I am having?

ME: Tell me what it is first.

SVEN: I think I have a yeast infection.

ME: (chortling) Uh...

SVEN: It's not funny.

Sven appeared to be missing the humor in the situation. As I was trying to stifle my laughter (unsuccessfully), I asked, "Are you positive that's what it is?"

Sven explained to me the symptoms he had. He had looked them up on the internet and the site he found said that this happens sometimes in males when they have high blood sugar. Sven has been battling his blood sugar for a few months, so this made sense. Based on what he told me, I had to agree.

          ME: I'm sorry. I didn't know men could get yeast infections.

SVEN: So, do you want to see it now?

ME: NO!

SVEN: How about if I take a picture of it and show you that?

ME: Why do you keep wanting me to look?

SVEN: It doesn't have to be weird!

ME: It is weird. Keep your pants up and let's go.

We get to the hospital and battle the construction at the entrance just like the last two times. Sven gets out and hobbles* into the entrance. I park the car and head inside the hospital.

*For my new readers: Sven is an amputee. He is missing one foot and three toes on the other foot. This is why he hobbles.

The nurse had no shoes!

As soon as I walked in they pointed me toward his room. We have been there enough times, they know us by now. They have even gotten in the habit of trying to get us out of there as quickly as possible. Not everyone seems to appreciate our humor...well, my humor and Sven's lack of social restraint. A nurse was already in there gathering the required information. It was taking a while to get her to understand what the actual problem was since Sven was uncomfortable using any words referring to genitalia to a woman.

While waiting for her to finish with Sven, I hear the following conversation outside the room:

DOCTOR: Do you have any more questions?
PATIENT: Yes. Why are gas prices so high?
DOCTOR: Why would I know the answer to that?
PATIENT: I don't know. You look Middle Eastern. I thought you might have some insight.
DOCTOR: Leave. Now!

The doctor comes in and asks Sven to explain the problem. Sven tells him his symptoms and explains the high blood sugar. The doctor confirms that it sounds like a yeast infection, but like any good doctor, he wants to see the affected area.

During the examination of the area and lots of wincing from Sven, the doctor says, "You are circumsized, right?"  Sven replies, "You're not helping my confidence, Doc."  The doctor then decides that the diagnosis is a male yeast infection.  He tells Sven that he will be prescribing a medicine to be taken orally for three days and two topical creams.

He explains that the first cream is to be used for three days and then thrown away to start using the second cream. He then repeated, "Only use the first cream for three days. The tube will not be empty, but DO NOT use any more of it. It has a steroid in it, so you will want to switch to the other cream."

I remarked,  "Of course, because the last thing any guy wants is to bulk up in that area."

I don't think the doctor got the joke...or maybe he was still worked up about the gas prices question from earlier, but he didn't even crack a smile.

After giving me an uncomfortably long dirty look, he continued explaining how to treat the area. He said, "Wash the area twice a day and then put the cream on. Don't touch the area at any other time. Wash it, put on cream and don't touch. Only touch when washing and putting on cream. Keep your hands off it the rest of the time. Don't touch it. Don't touch it." Then he walked out.

SVEN: Is he telling me not to play with myself?

ME: That's what it sounded like to me.

SVEN: But this is Monday. There's nothing good on TV tonight.

ME: Do you want to get better or not?

SVEN: I guess I could watch Dancing With the Stars. 

ME: Good idea.

SVEN:  And there is no way I gonna stop with the steroid after only three days.

ME: Calm down, Tyrone

If you really want to see
what Sven's yeast infection looks like,
click the picture.