Hop Along Sunday

Disclaimer before you read this post: About 3 months ago, I wrote my most popular post Abscessed Adventures with Adam telling the story of me taking my friend Adam  for an emergency room visit. Due to the nature of his injury (bleeding groin) that day, my blog caused him a little embarrassment.  I have learned my lesson and sincerely apologize to Adam. In order to save him from further embarrassment, for the remainder of this post he will be referred to as Steve.

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As explained in past posts, "Steve" is an amputee. Half of one foot has been removed and three toes on the other foot. This information is necessary for the story and also explains why he moves so slow at Wal-Mart.

Due to some issues with Steve's insurance, his primary care doctor has dropped him. This has resulted in Steve not having access to his pain medication. He doesn't take it very often, but it is there when he needs it.

Steve has a new DJ business that is starting to see an increase in customers. This past week has been especially busy and he has been on his stumps feet a lot. Without proper medication, he tried to power through the pain and did so for several days. Sunday morning at church he pulled me to the side.

Steve: "I have a serious problem. You have to take me to the hospital."

Me: "Now?"

Steve: "As soon as church is over."

You have got to try this.

Me: "I don't know. Subway has that new meatball pepperoni sub. I am really looking forward to trying it."

Steve: "Ooh! That does sound good. Let's go, but you have to drag me to the truck. I can't walk."

He was serious. Since he weighs more than me, by the time I  hauled him to his vehicle, we had both worked up an appetite and did go out for lunch.

Once our hunger was satisfied, we headed to the hospital. Due to the construction that is still going on from the last time we were there, driving up to the emergency room door involves a long, tight curve. There was an unmanned car parked in front of the door, which meant that I would be unable to pull through after dropping Steve off. I would have to back out through the winding obstacle course.

Unsympathetic to my concerns, Steve still insisted I take him right to the door, which I did because I am an awesome friend.

We pull up to the door and Steve just sits there.

Me: "Well, get out."

Steve: "I can't walk. Remember."

Me: "You don't have to walk. You just have to get out of the truck. I have to go park."

Steve: "What am I supposed to do once I get out?"

Me: "I don't know. Lay on the sidewalk or something. After I park, I will roll you in the door."

He gets out and stares longingly at the entrance. To be polite, I made sure not to hit him with the mirror despite him not stepping from the vehicle.

Once I returned from finding a spot, I was relieved surprised to discover that he had found his way inside. The smell of Vicodin must have lured him into the building. The nurses remembered us from our last visit and they directed me to the correct room as soon as I walked in.

Steve was laying on the bed moaning. He was already starting to panic because he was afraid they might want to touch his foot-type thing or, even worse, give him a shot. As I started to explain why it would be worth it, I heard a quiet, high-pitched "YOOHOOOO."

Me: "Steve, did you hear that?"

Steve: "All I hear is the blood rushing to my head."

Mystery Voice (whispering): "Is there anyone here?"

Me: "There it is again."

Steve: "Is it that hot nurse from earlier?"

Me: "No."

Steve: "Then, I don't care."

It was so quiet, I wasn't even sure I was hearing it. Then, I heard it again, but louder.

Voice (screaming): "Someone bring me some food!"

Me: "I knew I wasn't wasn't crazy."

Steve: "I beg to differ."

Me: "Shut up! Listen."

Screaming Voice: "I AM HUNGRY! SOMEONE BRING ME SOMETHING! IS ANYONE OUT THERE?"

Me: "Those nurses are good at tuning people out. Steve, start screaming. We'll see who comes."

Steve: "No. My head hurts."

Me: "You're no fun."

The doctor came in and Steve winced in pain.

Me: "He hasn't even touched you yet."

After hearing the story and attempting to get close enough to observe the troubled area, the doctor explained that he could give him something for the pain right now, but Steve would need to find a doctor to take him on as a patient.

Steve started crying.

Me: "What is wrong with you?"

Steve: "He almost touched my foot."

The nurse came in and pulled out the last thing that Steve wanted to see, a syringe. Once convinced it wasn't going in his foot, he decided to accept it.

Steve took several deep breaths and waited. She cleaned the area and gave the injection quickly. Steve decided it wasn't so bad. He asked what she had given him.

Nurse: "Morphine."

The nurse left and said she would be back with a 3 day prescription of painkillers, but Steve really didn't care. Something had happened to him.

 

HA HA HA HA! What pain? Why are we here?

Steve's pain was gone and so was his capacity to think, talk, or concentrate. Everything the nurses tried to explain to him was funny. The old woman that fell in the hallway was funny. The rubber gloves on the table were funny. Luckily, they got the needed signatures from him before the shot.

I decided it was time to leave and went to bring the truck to the front. I, apparently, left my phone behind and Steve answered when my daughter called.

Five minutes later, her Facebook status was updated.

Now, remember, this is Steve (not Adam)!