Return of the Awards Fairy

Eight days ago, I was visited by a short, balding man who identified himself as the Awards Fairy. Despite his appearance and pushy demeanor, I let him into my home because he did actually have some awards to give me. After giving me the awards, which I did appreciate, I couldn't get him to leave. He stayed for 3 days, cleaned out my fridge, ran up my phone bill and clogged up my toilet. He stepped outside only once to retrieve a bag of of Cheetos I had thrown into the yard. Once outside, I locked the door.

After two days of his howling and beating on my door while I kept all the lights off and pretended not to be home, he finally left. He didn't really have much of a choice. He was escorted off the property in handcuffs. I was so relieved to see him go.

I don't know how this works, but he either made bail or had to be released when he had more awards to pass out, but tonight he came back. I stepped outside to take the trash to the curb and when I came back, he was sitting on my couch. I didn't think to lock the door since I was only outside for a minute.

As I reached for my phone to call the police again, he held out two awards. The first, he explained, had been sent to me over a week ago, but due to his unfortunate detainment, he was unable to bring it to me.

A peeling sticker on the back of the award stated that it had been given by the blogger at HoodyHoo. I began to relax a little bit. I still didn't like him being in my house, but I knew who this was. I comment on this blog often and recently got this recognition by explaining my strategy in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I told her that I expect that I would be dead and won't really need to worry about it at that point. Although, if I was going to fight for survival, I would want HoodyHoo by my side. She once knocked her boyfriend unconscious just for peeing in her yard. I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to mess with her.

The rules for accepting state that I am to forward this on to 3 bloggers that I would like to know more about AND to share 3 things about myself.

I would like to know more about:

1. Bozo at A Bozo's Abbozzo has definitely been the closest follower of the Brett and Red story. Bozo is an American living in India and has two birthdays every year.
2. Jayne at Ach de Lieber, Jayne likes to fantasize about having arguments in her dream house. It's strange, I know. However, I just recently discovered her and have really enjoyed digging through her archives.
3. Crazy With a Side of Awesome Sauce is a Portland native who recently escaped a nightmare roommate. I check in with her regularly to share in her latest adventure.

Now, for three things to share about myself.

1. I have mentioned on here a few times that I work for the Sheriff's Department. That is no longer true. I got fired, but cannot yet discuss it due to possible litigation. Hopefully, I can share the story soon.
2. Four years ago, I pre-paid for a year membership at a gym. I went twice.
3. I come from a family of carpenters, mechanics and electricians. However, I can barely operate a hammer. I called all my friends to celebrate when I fixed a clog in my sink by myself.

I looked up to ask the fairy for the other one, but he was gone. Great! 

He was in the first place I expected him to be - the kitchen. He had discovered the pizza that was delivered right before he showed up and had already inhaled over half of it. He had dropped the second award and it was sitting under the chair. I grabbed it before he noticed I was in the room.

This one was sent from Nellie Vaughn at Buttons Are Not Currency. Nellie falls on the other side of the zombie spectrum. It is quite possible that she is one already. Nellie recently confessed on her blog that she has an internet crush on me. She also really likes kissing. So, I am adding "Kiss Nellie Vaughn" to my bucket list.

Like the previous award, I must list things about myself. This award requires seven:

1. At one time, I strived toward becoming a mortician. I even got accepted into the mortuary program.
2. I was on the newspaper staff in high school. I was the only boy in the class. I learned a lot about women that year, but didn't want to know most of it.
3. I received a semester grade of 107 in Trigonometry, but I have failed Accounting three times.
4. I only started blogging because my daughter's boyfriend had to create one for a class. He told me, "It's kind of fun. You should try it." So, I did.
5. I attended one school from kindergarten through high school, but my kids have attended 5 different public schools, 3 private schools and been homeschooled.
6. When I was twelve years old, I was a flasher for Halloween. It was my mother's idea.
7. Once I complete my teaching degree, I plan to get a Department of Defense contract to be a high school math teacher on military bases.

The fairy is now passed out on my couch. It looks like he was watching Jersey Shore. I am supposed to tag 15 bloggers for this award, but since I have already called the police, I only have time to do a few.

1. Vinny at As Vinny C's It is a journalist in Trinidad and Tobago. He recently did a disturbing story about ant colonies. He also covers the events in his part of the world. 
2. People I Want to Punch in the Throat - As her tagline says, "I think the title sums it up. If you can't figure it out, then go away before I punch you in the throat."

The cops have shown up and can't seem to wake the fairy. I need to go. Once they get him out of here, I am headed to the courthouse for a restraining order. If anyone else wants to send me an award, please just mail it. I will pay the postage. I don't want him coming back. I think he urinated on my floor.