Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Return of the Awards Fairy

Eight days ago, I was visited by a short, balding man who identified himself as the Awards Fairy. Despite his appearance and pushy demeanor, I let him into my home because he did actually have some awards to give me. After giving me the awards, which I did appreciate, I couldn't get him to leave. He stayed for 3 days, cleaned out my fridge, ran up my phone bill and clogged up my toilet. He stepped outside only once to retrieve a bag of of Cheetos I had thrown into the yard. Once outside, I locked the door.

After two days of his howling and beating on my door while I kept all the lights off and pretended not to be home, he finally left. He didn't really have much of a choice. He was escorted off the property in handcuffs. I was so relieved to see him go.

I don't know how this works, but he either made bail or had to be released when he had more awards to pass out, but tonight he came back. I stepped outside to take the trash to the curb and when I came back, he was sitting on my couch. I didn't think to lock the door since I was only outside for a minute.

As I reached for my phone to call the police again, he held out two awards. The first, he explained, had been sent to me over a week ago, but due to his unfortunate detainment, he was unable to bring it to me.

A peeling sticker on the back of the award stated that it had been given by the blogger at HoodyHoo. I began to relax a little bit. I still didn't like him being in my house, but I knew who this was. I comment on this blog often and recently got this recognition by explaining my strategy in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I told her that I expect that I would be dead and won't really need to worry about it at that point. Although, if I was going to fight for survival, I would want HoodyHoo by my side. She once knocked her boyfriend unconscious just for peeing in her yard. I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to mess with her.

The rules for accepting state that I am to forward this on to 3 bloggers that I would like to know more about AND to share 3 things about myself.

I would like to know more about:

  1. Bozo at A Bozo's Abbozzo has definitely been the closest follower of the Brett and Red story. Bozo is an American living in India and has two birthdays every year.
  2. Jayne at Ach de Lieber, Jayne likes to fantasize about having arguments in her dream house. It's strange, I know. However, I just recently discovered her and have really enjoyed digging through her archives.
  3. Crazy With a Side of Awesome Sauce is a Portland native who recently escaped a nightmare roommate. I check in with her regularly to share in her latest adventure.
Now, for three things to share about myself.
  1. I have mentioned on here a few times that I work for the Sheriff's Department. That is no longer true. I got fired, but cannot yet discuss it due to possible litigation. Hopefully, I can share the story soon.
  2. Four years ago, I pre-paid for a year membership at a gym. I went twice.
  3. I come from a family of carpenters, mechanics and electricians. However, I can barely operate a hammer. I called all my friends to celebrate when I fixed a clog in my sink by myself.

I looked up to ask the fairy for the other one, but he was gone. Great! 

He was in the first place I expected him to be - the kitchen. He had discovered the pizza that was delivered right before he showed up and had already inhaled over half of it. He had dropped the second award and it was sitting under the chair. I grabbed it before he noticed I was in the room.

This one was sent from Nellie Vaughn at Buttons Are Not Currency. Nellie falls on the other side of the zombie spectrum. It is quite possible that she is one already. Nellie recently confessed on her blog that she has an internet crush on me. She also really likes kissing. So, I am adding "Kiss Nellie Vaughn" to my bucket list.

Like the previous award, I must list things about myself. This award requires seven:
  1. At one time, I strived toward becoming a mortician. I even got accepted into the mortuary program.
  2. I was on the newspaper staff in high school. I was the only boy in the class. I learned a lot about women that year, but didn't want to know most of it.
  3. I received a semester grade of 107 in Trigonometry, but I have failed Accounting three times.
  4. I only started blogging because my daughter's boyfriend had to create one for a class. He told me, "It's kind of fun. You should try it." So, I did.
  5. I attended one school from kindergarten through high school, but my kids have attended 5 different public schools, 3 private schools and been homeschooled.
  6. When I was twelve years old, I was a flasher for Halloween. It was my mother's idea.
  7. Once I complete my teaching degree, I plan to get a Department of Defense contract to be a high school math teacher on military bases.
The fairy is now passed out on my couch. It looks like he was watching Jersey Shore. I am supposed to tag 15 bloggers for this award, but since I have already called the police, I only have time to do a few.
  1. Vinny at As Vinny C's It is a journalist in Trinidad and Tobago. He recently did a disturbing story about ant colonies. He also covers the events in his part of the world. 
  2. People I Want to Punch in the Throat - As her tagline says, "I think the title sums it up. If you can't figure it out, then go away before I punch you in the throat."
The cops have shown up and can't seem to wake the fairy. I need to go. Once they get him out of here, I am headed to the courthouse for a restraining order. If anyone else wants to send me an award, please just mail it. I will pay the postage. I don't want him coming back. I think he urinated on my floor.

33 comments:

  1. Ha! I came here right away when I saw your message. Thank you, thank you, thank you... this afternoon has been wonderful. I just had a very happy moment... I am on a high... and then bam! You throw and award at me to add to the joy. Sometimes life is just beautiful!

    So are you actually going to kiss Nellie?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are quite welcome. Well deserved.

      I don't find myself in California very often. It's a long shot that I would ever even meet her.

      Delete
    2. Phew! As much as I like Nellie, and of course I really do, I can't have Red's fiancé going about kissing beautiful ladies. The storyline just wouldn't read right.

      Delete
  2. Stamps Stamps Stamps...is all I can say....

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  3. Awesome! Thanks... Wait! There's a mortuary program?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. It's a two year degree after electives.

      Delete
  4. Ha! Bozo's onto it. I was going to say that, as your internet fiance, if you want to kiss Nellie you'd better do it before this internet thing becomes anything more real "if it progresses to that point," as we both say repeatedly.

    I'd have a serious problem with a real-life fiance kissing someone other than myself! So get yourself out to California post-haste! (My belief is that a bucket list should at least be somewhat possible.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am even more impressed with you to read how understanding you are. Get to California now! That's great.

      Further explanation for the additional readers of this comment (BOZO):
      I am going to use an explanation I find that I am always have to remind my Facebook friends about. "It was a joke."

      While I only tell true stories, my take on them and snarky comments should rarely be taken seriously. I don't know if I said it on here or in a private email, but I once remarked that the public aspect of this will eventually lead to me saying something stupid because I am pandering to my audience. This may be one of those times.

      So, based on Red's response, unless I just happen to run into Nellie in the next month as she is wandering around the Midwest for some reason, this kiss will never happen. :(

      Delete
    2. (I give you two months. I'll be there beginning of May, but may be busy oh, finding a job and stuff to pay for gas to get to Illinois, or some halfway point before we can actually even meet.)
      Still reading, Nellie? St. Louis is your closest airport if you want to strike while the iron's hot.

      Delete
    3. Ahhh *sighs in satisfaction* I was so curious as to how Red would respond to this point. It would have dampened my spirits slightly if she had said, "Sure, go ahead and kiss her any time!" Her actual response filled me with joy and pleasure. In fact, for today's episode I think that this is one of my favourite of Red's lines:

      "I'd have a serious problem with a real-life fiance kissing someone other than myself!"

      So anyway... everything has sorted out nicely. I'm just waiting to see how Nellie responds. I sent her a tweet asking her to check all this out - but so far I don't see her here.

      And you know, it's a funny thing. Everyone else who read this post seems to have missed the point. For some reason they're all yapping on about awards and stuff... Somehow they've lost the focus.

      Delete
    4. Bozo, I knew you wouldn't miss it. It is good to know you've got our backs.

      Delete
  5. Its so hard to be popular :p

    Don't let the clapping die out, because I have just awarded you another one ;)

    You're getting these for a reason mate, keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I will address it sometime next week. It has been great getting these.

      Delete
  6. Maybe you should just let the bastard move in. That way, you can keep tabs on him. It's not like you aren't gonna see him again. Might as well get used to him.

    Oh, and congrats. Again. And again. Phew, this is getting tiring! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you.

      According to Rusty another award is coming my way. Hopefully it is sent my mail. We will see what happens.

      Delete
  7. Replies
    1. I am jealous of the warm weather you have been enjoying. We are just now starting to see it.

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  8. Eventually you will get bored of them.

    Or you will discover that every other blog out there has at least two of the same awards as you and the novelty will wear off.

    Awards are the herpes of the blogging world.

    Still jealous though....

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. It does get difficult coming up with new things to say and deciding who to give them to. The Liebster was everywhere in the blog world, but it is nice to know people enjoy what I'm writing.

      Delete
  9. Everyone has two? WOW. Now I really have liebster envy

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  10. thank you so much! incidentally, I'm actually not a Portland native. California girl born and raised. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are very welcome. I think I got Portland from your latest post about almost being hit by a car and then made an incorrect assumption. Oregon or California, you deserve it.

      Delete
  11. So glad you are cleaning up on the awards...you deserve them! I have received some more and need to do something about it LOL!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I generally let them sit for a week or to, so the people who are coming over to visit from the person who gave it to me aren't greeted by an awards post. They get the usual banter..

      Delete
  12. You deserve the props Brett...good for you!

    About that Awards Fairy - I think you're screwed. I mean, you let him order a pizza? And he peed on your floor?

    Territory has been marked, he'll be back, just you wait!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I didn't really let him order a pizza. He just saw my phone laying there and used it.

      Delete
  13. Congratulations, my friend. I would have let the bastard rot out there in the front yard.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. If he had stayed quiet, I wouldn't have cared that he was out there.

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  14. Wow, am I late for this party or what?? He may be an asshole fairy, but awards are awards. Send him over to my place anytime. I'll spring for the beer!

    Thanks, Brett, for the shout out! I, too, discovered your blog only recently, but I'm hooked on it like that fairy is on Dominos.

    Thanks again!

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  15. Thank you and you are very welcome. You earned it.

    ReplyDelete

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