Wednesday, March 28, 2012

You Can't Get Away From Your Family

I like to think that I have always been my own person. I have my way of thinking, my way of acting and my way of doing things (even if they don't always work). While I can respect the wisdom and knowledge of people that came before me, I like finding my own way. This started at a very young age.

Never a slave to conventional dress,
I found my style early on.
Much to my parents dismay, the pastel colors and little duckies on my clothes just were not acceptable to me. After much deliberation (mostly on their part since I couldn't talk yet), I compromised.

I was gangsta,
before gangsta was cool.
At the age of 18 months, I began to change my own diapers. This was not a modesty issue. We know from past posts, I still don't have any modesty. No, this was part of my unrelenting desire to become my own man.

I demanded this freedom in other areas of my life as well. I knew how I wanted things and would accept nothing less.

Had Mother fixed the steak I asked for,
this would not have happened.

My parents, being appreciative of the freedom I was offering them by my new independence, took advantage of the situation. Since I could take care of myself, they could go out and not have to worry about me. It saved money in babysitters and further taught me self reliance.

Against my wishes, they later decided this was not a good idea.

I invited the neighbor girls over,
but their mom said they were napping.
The cop took this picture after pulling me over.
I was on my way to buy more booze.

After the run in with local law enforcement, my parents had me under their oppressive thumbs and my life was relegated to the boring life of a toddler once again. I endured this for a little over a year before I saw my opportunity to escape.

One Sunday, my family was walking in the pasture behind my great-grandfather's house. It was a beautiful day and the birds were singing. All that open air made me yearn for the freedom that I knew I deserved. After all, it had been over three years since I had escaped from the suffocation of the womb. How long should I be expected to play the part of cute pet? I knew today was the day and began looking for my opportunity.

As we approached the top of a hill, I observed a wide open space before us. This was the place to make a break for it. If I could make it to the tree line, I could disappear and live off the land.

Being acutely aware of my short stature (darn stubby toddler legs), I knew I would need a head start in order to not be caught. The large descent before me would give me the opportunity to gain speed quickly. If the parental units could be distracted for a few moments, I would have the edge I needed.

I pointed at a cloud and babbled in that way that adults think are so cute. When they looked up, I bolted for the bottom of the hill. I was able to get close to the bottom before they realized I was gone. Only a few hundred feet more and I would be free forever.

I looked back and noticed that they had taken pursuit and were screaming for me to stop. They must have been aware of my intentions because they were much more frantic than usual. My father was closing in fast, so I concentrated on my departure.

Upon reaching the bottom of the hill, I tripped and sprawled forward. My tumble caused a white hot dust to come out of the ground. I quickly found it difficult to see and began to cough. I then realized that I had been duped.

My great-grandfather had anticipated my plan the night before and laid out a trap. He had burned a large brush pile after clearing out some trees. Knowing this was where I would most likely make a run for it, he placed it in the valley before the trees.

The entire pile had been burned to the ground and the only evidence of the preceding days events was the white ash on the ground. In my haste to get away, I had not noticed what I was running toward. The fire was out, but the coals were still crackling hot. My hands were now holding up the rest of my body from being burned, but my center of gravity did not allow for me to stand up and remove my hands from the burning.

Was this going to be the end? Would I slowly disintegrate into the pile eventually engulfing my entire body? I had underestimated the deviousness of my guardians.

My father snatched me out of the fire. I knew they were disappointed that the trap had not worked properly. He was going to throw me in and finish the job properly. I held my breath and waited for the heat, but it never came.

My father ran back to the house as the heat in my hands began to grow to intolerable levels. After a quick clean up, they rushed me to a hospital. The doctor's did horrible things and then bound me so I could no longer cause any trouble. My parents' plan to end my independence was complete.

I could no longer change my diapers.
Without the use of my hands, I had to humbly allow my mother to feed me and take care of my bathroom issues once again. I couldn't even use my toys. My life was going to be dependent on them forever.

My dog didn't even respect me any more.
Two days later, I was returned to the hospital and thrilled to learn that they were removing the hindrances that had been placed on me. However, my hands and fingers had doubled in size and were covered in blisters that stood over an inch tall. My hands still didn't work. Then they held me down and bound me up again.

They teased me this way every few days. The doctors would take them off and then replace them. I finally understood. They were trying to break my spirit.

After a few weeks, I falsely admitted compliance. Satisfied that I would not attempt escape again, they freed my hands. It was several years before I tried again.

It didn't go well either.

47 comments:

  1. Ouch! Do you still have scars?

    You see, this is exactly why parents should coat their toddlers in asbestos.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No. I've had some minor skin issues with my hands, but I healed.

      Delete
  2. Your poor mother. And she had another one that behaves much like you. I suspect you taught him everything you knew while you were growing up. Again, your poor mother.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I like to say she became a stronger woman because of it.

      Delete
  3. So CUTE!

    You're like Stewie from the Family Guy, except that he hopes to achieve independence by killing his mother, instead of running away. ...although maybe you were trying to give her a heart attack!

    ...after this kind of thing, it's amazing your parents had any more kids. What a couple of saints.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Despite their efforts, they kept having boys. After three, they decided to give it up.

      I really don't remember the burns, I just have the pictures and my parents' memories to go on. Dad tells the story a little different than I do.

      Delete
  4. Yeah, in dads story he pushed you in.
    The Ka

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  5. The baby picture with the beer is magical. I have a picture of my son M teething on an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Yeah, we're classy like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Years later, I recreated the picture with my daughter. I need to find it and put them side by side.

      Delete
  6. Oh, this is DEFINITELY one of my favourite posts!!

    The pictures...the words underneath them...the writing style, all brilliant!

    I can't even tell you how many times I 'awwed' every time I looked at the pictures with your hands all bandaged up.

    And most worryingly of all, is that this could so easily be my spawn telling this tale. Loved it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I had a lot of fun writing it. I am still waiting to see the parents' reaction.

      It's easy for kids to get away. My son once walked around the corner in a store was out in the parking lot before we found him.

      Delete
  7. I love the pic of you driving the car. Were you charged with a DUI? I'm sure they at least charged you as a minor, right?

    And yes, I can see where you get your daredevil ways from . . . your parents had nerves of steel to continue having boys after your antics.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He couldn't prove the DUI. I didn't have the lung capacity to blow in his little machine.

      I have always been charged as a minor for some reason. My dad had the same problem.

      Delete
  8. Oh wonderful! I have a habit of using "lol" whenever I think something is even remotely funny. But in this case I really was laughing out loud - and right from the start. That very first picture of you was beyond adorable. What a great sense of style you had... and presumably still do.

    *If* there were a reader who was on the verge of falling for you head over heels - this would be the post that would put them over the edge (just love how subtle I am...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am glad you liked it. I have given up the wearing of bras on my head. That was more of a 70's thing.

      I don't see what the endearing aspects of this posts were, but I will trust your judgement. I also appreciate your subtlety.

      Delete
    2. Bozo, you forget I have a much darker sense of humor than you.

      This was not the post. ;-)

      Delete
    3. Lol... I've been debating how to respond to Brett's comment on my feedback. But everything he said has been washed from my mind with your latest hint.
      Well, almost washed from my mind. I still want to know more about his preferred style in the 70's.

      So Red, the spotlight is on you now - which was *the* post? I really need to know lol. How exciting...!

      Delete
    4. I've been determine, since you said you thought it would be this one. I don't think it could be "a post". Blogging is kind of surreal, isn't it? This was cute, but I laughed more at the car-theft one. I'd like to say it was the axe-murderer defense, but that was too early.

      No...It has to be somewhere in our emailing. Sorry - I thought I might have an answer.

      Delete
    5. I totally agree with you Red. I think that a particular post could stand out as being extra-special-heart-melting-attractive; but that would only happen because your eyes were already seeing Brett as extra-special-heart-melting-attractive.

      As long as we're hashing out his qualities in this discrete fashion - I have to say that the axe-murderer post was masterful. Not only because of his flair for writing - but the incredible contribution from his family and friends was really touching.

      *sighs happily* This is all just so lovely lol

      Delete
  9. I once decided it would be a good idea to hid inside a clothing rack inside a mall once and promptly lost my mom (and visa versa) for over an hour in JC Pennys. As cruel as it may seem, I swear some kids should be on a retractable leash. Come on...admit it...it would be FUNNY.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to make fun of the people that leashed their kids. Then I kids and understood. I never did and never would, but...I understood.

      Delete
  10. My sister burnt her hands in a heater when she was young

    Now I can't take over from her doing dishes without adding a significant amount of cold water

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Burns are the worst. I would rather be stabbed.

      Not fatally, of course.

      Delete
  11. All in all, I ran away three times before I was ten. You should have called me. I was terrific at it. Sure, they always found me within the first two hours, but that's a long time for a child. Freedom tasted so good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My son ran away when he was 7. He was just trying to hurt me. It kind of deflated his plan when I helped him pack.

      Delete
  12. great style - laughing in the face of what would have been an awful moment for your folks - that'll learn them for holding your independence back!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I'm sure it was awful.

      I really don't remember it.

      Delete
  13. Impressive attempt. Bummer about the burns. Hope you're able to change your own diapers again by now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I got there again pretty quickly.

      Delete
  14. Dude, the gangsta picture had me in stitches. Sorry to hear about the burns though.

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is one of the best posts that I have read in a very long time! The burns suck, but wow!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They got me taken care of very quickly. Thank you.

      Delete
  16. This story was told extremely well, I want you to know that.

    And that picture of you and your dog is adorable, if you don't mind me saying so.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I don't mind at all. I loved that dog.

      Delete
  17. Love the way you told this story, I'm forwarding it to my wife so she can read. Great writing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much. I had fun with it.

      Delete
  18. Loved how you used the pictures to help tell the story, great writing. Stopping by from Write on Edge.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I love their Weekend Spotlight. It pulls a lot of traffic every weekend.

      I just started scanning all of our family pictures and thought I would have some fun with them.

      Delete
  19. This is awesome. I think I'm going to bookmark it so I can read it again later this week when I'm having a crappy day. As a mom to two boys, I have a feeling I'm going to end up with a few pictures like these some day...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. It was fun to write.

      In my past posts, I have mentioned how my brothers and I wanted to be stuntmen when we got older (not a joke). The things we did to practice really put my mother through the ringer. She eventually took the philosophy of "Don't Look. Don't Ask."

      Delete
  20. Oh my shizz. Are you my brother?
    He did the same thing when he was about 2 and I was a newborn, and wouldn't tell the cops who found him what his name was until they gave him ice cream.

    Also, a tip: When running away from home, try to avoid Hot Spots. Head upwind, since most fires would be started down wind from where you want to escape. And try to be older than a toddler. These 2 things can increase your odds of success.

    Came from the WOE linkup. And I laughed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I have since escaped. The being older part had the most effect.

      Delete
  21. I'm laughing and feeling sorry for you at the same time! First, you changed your own diapers? That cracks me up! Second, I love how you spoke from your perspective as a little dude. This was hilarious!

    (Thanks for linking this up to #findingthefunny last week!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you.

      i just found #finding the funny. I love it. Found a lot of good sites on there.

      Delete

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