Friday, May 4, 2012

At Least We Know I'm Not Pregnant

In the last year, I have suffered through several horrible nights of excruciating pain, been to the emergency room three times, received numerous steroid injections and been X-rayed several times. All of this has been because of my shoulders which occasionally try to kill me in my sleep. I believe there is something living in there that is either trying to eat it's way out or is feeding on my shoulder bones.

I can feel the discomfort growing during the day and as the days go on, I lose more and more mobility until it gets to the point that I cannot make even the slightest movement of a finger without searing pain shooting up and down my body. The animal inside gets angry when I move and starts biting me. As odd as this sounds, I grow accustomed to it and am very careful with the offending arm. I don't move it. I support it with my other hand when I am walking and I gently place it on the desk or table in front of me when I sit. I mess up and get shooting pains every now and then when I move it the wrong way and anger my inner critter, but I figure out how to deal with it.

Unfortunately, once I lay down at night, there is not much I can do. After sleeping about an hour, the blood has had time to relocate to the sore area and the pain is ten times worse making it almost impossible to turn over or even sit up. Either that or the creature eating my shoulder is nocturnal and prefers to feed at night. It is usually at this point that I give up and go to the hospital.

I have written about these visits before and they can be read here:

That Which Doesn't Kill You, Makes You Realize How Old You Are
My Experiment With Steroids
I Want to Donate My Arm to Science
Enough Vicoden and I Will Agree to Anything

This has happened enough times now that the doctors have decided that there must be something more going on than just the occasional bursitis. I told them my angry parasite theory and they don't seem to be interested. They sent me to an orthopedic doctor, who sent me to a physical therapist and ordered a sonogram. I have seen the physical therapist once and will begin treatment next week. I went in for my sonogram yesterday.

It just looks like the ocean. An ocean of BLOOD!
After several minutes of watching them look at pictures of the inside of my shoulder, I was starting to get bored. Every picture looked the same. I had no idea what she was looking for and when I asked, she said, "Anything unusual."

Looking at the monitor, I asked if the cascading blood river was something unusual. She said it was not.

I wasn't satisfied, so I asked her if she had ever found an angry animal gnawing on someone's insides. She stopped her examination and looked at me.

Sonogramoligist Person (SP): "Do you mean, like, a tapeworm?"

ME: "Do tapeworms usually crawl up into people's shoulders?"

SP: "NO!"

ME: "Then why would you suggest that? I mean something like a beaver?"

SP: "What?"

ME: "Or a woodchuck. I don't know. You're the doctor!"

She went back to examining my shoulder and didn't answer my question. Maybe it's something they aren't supposed to talk about. As she moved the magic wand thingy around to the front of my shoulder, she did ask if it hurt when she put pressure there. I assured her that it did. She didn't respond or change anything she was doing. I think she enjoys her job.

After several more minutes of awkward silence, other than her clacking the buttons on the machine, I asked what she was finding. She showed me this picture.

The first curve along the bottom is my shoulder bone. The white line on the top of it is lubricating liquid. The next curve is also bone and above that is muscle tissue.

Since the curvature of the bones appear smooth, there does not appear to be evidence of arthritis, bone spurs or other abnormalities. There even appears to be the right amount of fluid. It looks healthy. I asked, "Did you see any tooth marks? Or did you even look?" She assured me that she saw no teeth marks, but I think she was just avoiding the conversation. She didn't take me seriously and hadn't looked.

She told me to put my shirt back on. Everything looked good and I could go home. She would send my results back to the orthopedic doctor. I hesitated, "Don't I get any pictures?"

SP: "What pictures?"
ME: "My sonogram pictures."
SP: "We don't give those out."
ME: "We both know that's not true. I have seen lots of pictures of sonograms. Some women just carry them around with them."
SP:"That's because it's for their baby."
ME: "So, you admit that you do give them out."
SP: "For pregnancies."
ME: "Do they pay extra for that?"
SP:  "No. It's a complimentary service."
ME: "Do you want me to scream sexism?"
SP: "I'll get your pictures."

After a supervisor came in to find out why I wanted pictures, I gave her a similar run around and they eventually brought me a disc with my sonogram pictures. I promptly went home and popped it into my computer. After carefully scanning the pictures, I found this.

I knew it. Those shots weren't steroids.
They were monkey tranquilizers!

109 comments:

  1. I asked for a copy of my sonogram after I jacked up my knee and was met with a similar ??? reaction. I did not, however, find any rabid Rhesus monkeys. . .perhaps I should investigate further.

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    1. I knew something wasn't right.

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    2. Did you tell anyone you fell off a picnic table trying to be Evil Knivel with your bike? And that you landed on your head? That could explain part of the problem.

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    3. That probably could explain a lot of your problems......

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    4. I haven't gotten to that story yet. It will be told.

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  2. MONKEYS!!!! I knew it!!! lol I love that you asked for the sonogram picture...classic! But seriously, what the crap is wrong with your shoulder!?

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    1. It has finally been decided that (I forget the name) the muscles and tendons on the back side are too tight. I don't have the mobility that I am supposed to. My regular everyday movement irritates it and I get these flair ups. I start six months of therapy next week to start stretching it out. He told me it won't be pleasant.

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    2. well at least you can treat it!

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  3. So they couldn't tell you why your shoulder is killing you? :( That sucks! Hope they find something out soon.

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    1. It appears that the physical therapist is right. I will have to start a stretching program. The sonogram was to make sure there wasn't some sort of damage.

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    2. Oh now I see what you just posted. Still sucks that therapy will be painful. Boo!

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  4. I don't see the monkey. But I do see a larger face slightly up and to the right of your circle. ...and it's pointing and laughing. Maybe it's laughing at the monkey. Monkeys can be funny.

    I can't wait until your physical therapist starts beating up on you. Be sure to let him know I'm willing to help in any way possible!

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    1. I can wait.

      Several have offered to come to my house and stretch me. They think it might be fun if I start to scream.

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    2. (I'd be much nicer about it. ;D )

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  5. You always make me laugh! This is awesome! You have a screaming monkey trying to get out! How dare you seclude it from all the monkeys in your head!

    Hang in there the physical therapist will get it worked out for you! Hopefully no surgery to have it removed.

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    1. I'm still trying to figure out how he got in there and the least intrusive way to get him out.

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  6. Now that you know it's an angry monkey, maybe you can bribe it with bananas? lol

    I do hope that your shoulder feels better soon though.

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    1. Thank you. So far he just likes to chew on my arm. I'll see what I can do.

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  7. They said they were looking for anything /unusual/. Shoulder monkeys are actually quite common. You can google it. Maybe your monkey needs a xanax.

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    1. That would explain why they didn't mention it.

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  8. in addition - here's what you need:

    http://www.selfridges.com/en/Food-Wine/Categories/Wines-Spirits/Spirits/Bourbon-whisky/Monkey-shoulder-700ml_414-87024675-MONKEYSHOU/

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    1. That is awesome. I will have to buy some.

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  9. Hmm, sorry to say, but I've seen my fair share of shoulder sonograms, and it appears you have micro blood beavers. You have 60 years or so to live, my condolences. :P

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    1. Only 60 years? Is that enough time to do everything I want to do? I better get started.

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  10. It's like those ink blots you look at when you go and see a psychiatrist. I'm seeing a Stormtrooper's head gear, from Star wars..Which would explain why I go and see a psychiatrist.

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    1. I can see that too, now that you mention it.

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    2. Sorry to jump in, but that's awesome.
      May the Fourth be with you both!

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    3. Hahaha! Red, given your icon, that is TOO funny!

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  11. Sorry to hear about your shoulder. I feel for you. And I can kind of relate. I live with a lot of pain in my shoulder/joints all the time from a crap auto-immune disease. I know exactly what you are talking about with sleeping with a hurt shoulder. Bottom line, no position is all that comfortable.

    Hope the therapy helps you out!

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    1. Thank you. If the therapist is right, this should take care of it.

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  12. Damn dude, I am sorry that you have to deal with that.

    But you have made me feel grateful. I wouldn't be able to do my job if I had to deal with that.

    Good luck with the therapy, I hope it works out!

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    1. Thank you. I had one of my flair ups while working at the sheriff's office. I set that arm near the keyboard so I could still type and did everything else with my other arm. Luckily, it wasn't a very physical job.

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  13. I also saw a dragon in there. I'm so glad they just gave you the disc. Here, they charge you unless you're having a baby.

    Good luck finding something to tackle this issue. I'll send out some healing vibes your way.

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    1. Thank you. I'm glad they gave me the disc too, so I could find this.

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  14. I saw a lot more than a monkey! You'd better be careful. I send out my luck to you!

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    1. Thank you, Catherine. I can use it.

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  15. Lol these guys usually don't have a sense of humor. I once asked how many limbs my new daughter would have. She looked at me horrified and replied that she would have 4, just like everyone else and why in the world would I ask that. I hope you find some answers to your random shoulder gnawing soon!

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    1. I started with one person and a new person came in in the middle of it. She was more friendly.

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  16. Hahaha
    I'll tell you what it is, and this, by the way, is my mom's explanation for everything she finds she cannot explain. It's witchcraft. I know people that can help. There is no need to panic. I'll need a hundred dollars, an egg, and some holy water. The pain and the monkey will disappear.

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    1. Thanks for the tip. All my eggs are hard-boiled. Is that okay?

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  17. I really really really want to go to the hospital with you!

    Next time (if there is a next time) you have an ultrasound there's something fun for you to try.

    Get them to put the wand over a vein in your leg and then tense your stomach muscles. Tensing your muscles makes the valves in your veins close shut and stop the flow of blood.

    It makes you feel so superhero-like to be controlling your blood.

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    1. I would love to see that. I didn't know you could do that.

      I promise a trip to the hospital will not be forgotten for a while.

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  18. LOL!! Good for you getting a copy of the sonogram. I am sure you were talked about behind your back.

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    1. Thank you. I'm sure they had plenty to say once I left.

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  19. So glad to hear that you're not pregnant. Unexpected pregnancies can certainly throw a monkey wrench into your routine.

    Given the choice, i would have much rather had the gnawing beaver than the screaming monkey face.

    Glad they have this figured out and you can start on the path to recovery. Finally get that monkey off your back, or shoulder rather.

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    1. The monkey face was definitely scarier. Hopefully, we should have this fixed soon.

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  20. I almost fell off the couch when you found the monkey face. Sorry that you are suffering with chronic pain--that's the worst. I'll be checking in now that I found you at Write on Edge, but I think with your sense of humor still intact you are going to be just fine. Erin

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    1. Thanks for visiting. I hope you didn't break anything falling off the couch

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  21. I know there is no possibility that you don't see the HUGE FACE right smack in the middle of that picture. White beard and mustache (Santa?) and looks like he has a bun on his head. Just me?

    Plus, maybe they injected you with Sea Monkeys. Maybe that's what it is. And the reason she didn't mention it and blew you off was because it is one big conspiracy. Probably also why she was resistant in giving you the pictures, until you cried sexism. Good thing you did, or you might have NEVER KNOWN.

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    1. She doesn't see it. I don't know why.

      I will have to look into the sea monkey theory, although I would still need to know why I was having pain before then.

      I have no problem screaming sexism or racism if it will get me my way.

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  22. Congrats on not being pregnant! Wait, are you sure that wasn't a baby monkey birthing out of your bone??

    Anyway, I wonder if you have 'frozen shoulder'. The PTs I work with have talked about that, and how unbelievably painful it is. Hope your solution is near!

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    1. It is pretty bad when it locks up. Thank you for the well wishes.

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  23. It looks more like a cow to me. You're not pregnant but there's a screaming monkey-cow living in your shoulder. I'm not sure which is worse.

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    1. I see monkey, you saw a cow and Lily saw a Stormtrooper. We may not agree on what is was, but something is not right in there.

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  24. We just cant take you anywhere

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    1. Now you sound like my mother.

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    2. Now you sound like my girlfriend! What's going on here!?

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  25. I hate it when they don't really have any idea what's wrong. When I hurt my knee, they just told me to stop running. So helpful.

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    1. It has been a long time coming. I think we are finally getting down to the problem. I hope so.

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  26. You are very unique, I should say. Glad you aren't pregnant!

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    1. Thank you. That would have messed up many of the plans I have for my next few years.

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  27. What is that with having to give an explanation for why you want a picture of yourself? I was interrogated when I tried to get a pelvic x-ray. "Because I think my tubal ligation clamps are funny" was not the best answer.

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    1. I don't know. Maybe they just don't get asked very often. I actually enjoy the back and forth and talking the people into stuff they don't want to do, so I didn't mind. I got my way in the end.

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  28. I am sorry you are having to deal with constant pain, but I love how you find humor in it! And, I am with you on the knawing animal idea!!

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    1. Thank you. Being down in the dumps about ANYTHING only hurts yourself. You only get to love life once. You might as well enjoy it.

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  29. Your conversations are always so hilarious! That sreaming monkey face? Well, not hilarious. Scary. Very scary. I'm crying over here.

    Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny this week!

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    1. Thank you. The more I talk to people, the less they want to talk to me.

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  30. I'm sorry about your pain, but oh my geez, you're a scream. A woodchuck? Really?!

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    1. Thank you. I didn't know what it was. I just assumed, based on my discomfort, that it must have big teeth.

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  31. This is so funny. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain; but good for you for getting those pictures! I'm sure the doctor went home and told everyone about the patient who insisted on the pictures.

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    1. I don't always get my way, but am more than willing to fight and try. I knew I could win this one.

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  32. When that monkey rips his little head out of your arm one day you must run to the doctors and say, "See I told you there was something there."

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    1. I live about 5 blocks from the hospital. You can bet I will do that. I would be more than happy to show it to them. They could then remove it, but I would take it home with me. I have always wanted a pet monkey.

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  33. Lol!!! So funny at least you can find the humor in this!!!

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    1. Thank you. Everything is funny. You just have to find it.

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  34. Such a bummer that you have a monkey eating your shoulder! :)

    You were one of the most clicked links at last week's Finding the Funny. We're featuring you tomorrow - and pinning this to our Finding the Funny Pinterest board.

    Thanks for linking up!

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    1. Thank you. I am honored. I appreciate the shout out.

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  35. I would have loved to have seen the looks on their faces when you were arguing for the sonogram pictures. Haha! I love it!

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    1. I've gotten used to the confused, "what are you talking about" look.

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  36. Hahahaa medical people can have no sense of humor sometimes ;) I bet its the same monkey from Family Guy!

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    1. That hospital has a few nurses that have gotten used to me and even laugh occasionally, but most of them either get irritated or ignore me. I will win them over.

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  37. haha good for you! those are YOUR pictures. too bad you found a bunch of demons on your insides (or monkeys. whatever)

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    1. Thank you. That's what I thought. If anyone should get those pictures, it would be me.

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  38. It's good you got those pictures - what if the radiologist was planning on selling them to Enquirer with some weird headline? Alien Monkeys Found in Mans Shoulder!

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    1. That's a good idea. I don't know what her plans were, but I could do that myself. It makes as much sense as some of the other stuff they print.

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  39. How did I miss this post?

    I'm glad to hear no woodchucks reside within your shoulder, but it's crummy they haven't found an answer yet as to what in the heck is going on.

    I would have loved to see the look on the technician's face when you asked about angry animals crawling around in there. She may not have answered, but I have no doubt you were by far the most interesting patient she's seen all month!

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    1. I hope I was the most interesting. I don't know if you have picked up on it, but I kind of like to be noticed and demand attention. If they don't give it to me, I will take it.

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  40. Oh no, now I have a new fear of evil monkeys gnawing on my insides. And here I thought clowns were bad.

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    1. If a clown got inside I am sure it would wreak havoc. For now, I have clown deterrents outside my house. The monkey will be enough to contend with.

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  41. thank you- this made my day. :)

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    1. You are very welcome. I am feeling better since then.

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  42. Holy crap, that IS a monkey face!!!

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    1. Thank you. It seemed pretty obvious to me. I don't know how she missed it.

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  43. i love that she suggested a tapeworm. because: YES, THAT'S SO NORMAL AND REASSURING. well done, sonogram tech, well done.

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    1. Yes. Bedside manner has gone by the wayside.

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  44. HA! But seriously...the tape worm suggestion kind of freaked me out. Although, in comparison to the angry monkey face you found in the sonogram picture, the tape worm seems almost cuddly.

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    1. I haven't decided yet which would be better. The doctor still doesn't take me seriously, so he is not much help.

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  45. I'm sure there is a hookworm in there. My five year old is obsessed with hookworms. They have teeth, so....you know.

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    1. Are hookworms the worms you get from eating undercooked pork? I could see that.

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  46. Sorry for your issues, but this definitely made me laugh :) ... working in healthcare, you would have made my day :)

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    1. Thank you. I am going to make jokes whether the other person appreciates them or not. It helps when they laugh with me.

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  47. Totally unfair that they didn't want to give you the pictures!

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    1. That's what I thought, but I got my way in the end.

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  48. YOu made me laugh! I hope your shoulder feels better though!!

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  49. Bwahahahahahahaha.

    "Do you want me to scream sexism?"
    "I'll get your pictures."


    Loved this exchange.

    Have a fantastic day. ☺

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Leave a comment. C'MON!!! You're already here. Leave a comment. Don't leave me hanging and wondering if any has ever seen these words. I'll rub your feet.