Enough, Already

In just the last couple of years I have come to grips with the fact that I am getting older. I am not completely falling apart, but am beginning to recognize the signs that I cannot physically act like a teenager any longer. Actually, I am 40 and haven't been able to do that for quite some time.

I am a reasonably healthy person who gets around well. I don't want to paint the picture that I am falling apart. It's just that I have noticed some of my parts are starting to come loose. Before I jump down from a ledge, I stop to consider my knees, feet and ankles. I never used to give it a second thought. During more strenuous activity, I have to think about what I have going on the next day, since it may take a day to recover. Last year, I was laid up for a week from running down a hill.

I have gotten accustomed to the small (and some not so small) aches and pains. Muscle tension, joint discomfort and other issues are just part of life at this age. They haven't had much effect on me yet, but they are noticeable. However, every now and then, something happens that makes me scream at my body, "Oh, come on." Last night was one of those times.

I pulled a muscle in my jaw while flossing my teeth.

Despite everything I just wrote, I am still a young man. I go rock climbing and rappelling. I still throw myself into the mosh pit at concerts and jump at the opportunity to do things like skydiving or bungee cord jumping. I just take a little longer to recover than I used to. However, apparently, I am too old to open my mouth wide enough to floss the teeth in the back of my mouth.

When I felt the pain shoot down the side of my neck, I knew what had happened. While the pain was located in a specific spot, the other muscles in my mouth and throat seized for about 15 seconds. I couldn't talk, swallow or move my head. My first thought was, "Great. Now I am going to have to communicate through one of those computerized talking devices like Stephen Hawking." No woman would ever talk to me again, but it might be worth it to scare off small children.

Once the muscles relaxed, it didn't hurt much. In fact, I forgot about it until I yawned as I was headed to bed. Opening my mouth that far was uncomfortable, but not too bad. The real problem presented itself this morning. When I woke up, even my teeth hurt. During breakfast, I discovered that I cannot close my teeth all the way. My teeth do not meet in the back, so I have to eat soft foods. This is not because it hurts. They just don't meet. Hopefully, this will self-correct as the muscle relaxes.

Despite what I said a few paragraphs back about being young, I don't feel it this morning. I can't even eat solid food. I makes me wonder how long I have before my daughter tosses me in a nursing home. I can already picture myself slurping my JELL-O, attempting to keep it from dribbling out of the left side of my lips and saying "WHAT!" every time someone speaks to me. It's not hard to picture since it is what I am doing today. (My hearing has always been bad. I had the nickname BELTONE in high school.)

In a few days, I will be talking normally and plan to use that opportunity to explain to Kirsten that she will not be going to college, but staying at home forever to take care of her old man. I never know when my body might break again. I could sprain an eyelid while blinking or dislocate my shoulder while reaching for the salt. I can't be too careful.

She will be so excited.