Let the Right Ones In

The United States has a big problem that has been around for a long time. This topic dominates much of the political discourse not only on television but in bars, restaurants, hair salons and coffee shops around the country.

IMMIGRATION

The immigration crisis is such an issue that every political candidate as far back as I can remember has been expected to have a clearly defined immigration platform. It's right up there in importance with the economy, education reform, and favorite sexual deviance.

Whatever your stance on how immigration reform should be handled, I think most of us can agree that not EVERY single person who wants to come into our country should just be allowed to do so. There has to be some sort of screening process. And I have some suggestions on how to choose who can stay and who has to be sent back.

Before I explain my system, let me explain some of my criteria for how my system works. No one will ever be rejected because of their country of origin. Name the dirtiest, nastiest, most evil-minded country you can think of. I will not be suggesting this country for you. Your own personal brand of racism must be used for this answer. Believe it or not, there are probably a few decent people even from that cesspool of depraved humanity.

They will also not be selected to stay or be rejected based upon their career, education, spoken language, favorite Fraggle, gender, sexual orientation, movie collection, religion, talent, or opinion of the Kardashians. And nothing about their appearance will have any effect on the decision made except for two things: people who wear socks with sandals and anyone sporting a fanny pack. We don't need any more of those people. They will be pulled directly from the line before even making it to the processing interview.

There is just no excuse for this.

Once in front of a U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer, their native language will be determined immediately. If they already speak English as their first language, then there are a few extra rules applied to them immediately. These people will be given a short text to read out loud. This text contains keywords which must be pronounced correctly for the arriving immigrant to be given further consideration.

• library - both Rs must be clearly heard
• nuclear - correct pronunciation is (noo-klee-er), not (noo-kyuh-ler) nucular
• supposedly - this should not have to be said, but there is no B in this word

If English is not their first language and they make it all the way through screening, their case will be reviewed after one year. By then, proper pronunciation of these words should be achieved. Accent is not an issue. Proper letter placement is.

Immigration processing takes a long time. At some point, the applicants for entry will need to eat. They will be provided with a full hot meal in a cafeteria. This meal is just as important to the screening process as the interview. All applicants for entry will be carefully observed while dining. Any individual who does understand the concept of queuing (waiting in line for your turn), will be immediately removed and denied entry. Much of life in America is waiting in line (restaurants, banks, the DMV, etc.) and thinking they can jump to the front causes stress for everyone. The practice or non-practice of this custom in their own country is of no consequence. They are out. Even demanding the attention of a cafeteria employee while that employee is working with another customer will get them removed.

While eating their meal, immigrants will be observed for basic table manners. Some may need to be given a pamphlet to help them understand what may be different from their own country, but there are certain practices that will elicit immediate removal and denial of their application.

• Biting down on their fork and pulling it through their teeth. The sound is worse than nails on a chalkboard. We can't let more people into the country who are doing this.
• Anyone who appears to be personally offended by someone else's choice of food.
• Anyone dining with children who do not keep their spawn at the table with them (not running around),  reasonably quiet, and not a nuisance to other people.
• Leaving an unnecessary mess behind at your table. Even if you have children. Children are a little messier but after you leave it should not look like a macaroni orgy exploded at the table.

Kids can be messy. However, leaving the table like this for someone 
else to clean up, should get people (including citizens) deported.

To promote harmony within our borders, these criteria are necessary. These rules will not be defined before they eat. They are not based on a person's culture, but on their respect for their fellow man.

This test of respect for other people is extended to bathroom practices also. A restroom attendant will be stationed outside of each restroom. After an applicant leaves the restroom, the attendant will go in for inspection. He will be looking for one thing. If there is any sign of feces outside of the toilet bowl, their application for entry is pulled. Whatever gross practice a person may have for not being able to accomplish the simple task of crapping is none of our concern. However, we are greatly concerned that you just left that nastiness there for some other person to take care of. Get out.

GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!
AND DON'T EVER TRY TO COME BACK!

During processing, each person applying for entry will be given a stipend and sent into a small store to pick up a list of things. Twenty random applicants will be in the store at a time to not only observe their shopping practices but their interaction with each other. Immigration officers will be watching on closed-circuit television for certain "immediate disqualification" practices. The following will have them removed from consideration from entry into our great country:

• Unnecessarily blocking an aisle with your cart. The aisle has room for two carts to pass. No reason to leave it in the middle.
• Blocking someone's path through a crowded aisle when they can clearly see that the person is trying to get through.
• Any instance of picking up an item and later placing it on a random shelf in the wrong place. An applicant who changes their mind about a product would be expected to return it to its original location.

As with the restaurant test, these infractions that disqualify a person will not be explained to them ahead of time. This scenario was designed to observe their respect for other people. Every culture has polite and rude people. And the concept of what is considered rude is vastly different around the globe. However, being a nuisance or a burden to other people says something about the offender's character. No one should have to be told that preventing other people from getting through is unacceptable. It should just be the natural way a person thinks. Letting these people in would only increase the number of inconsiderate people in our country who also believe it is acceptable to just leave their shopping cart anywhere in the parking lot.

Another test happens at the desk of the interviewing officer. Once the interview process has begun, any applicant who chooses to answer a text, check Facebook, post a selfie, take a phone call, tweet or do anything with their phone other than check the time will be escorted back to their side of the border.

One of the great things about America is the fact that we are a nation full of immigrants. There is no typical way that an American looks. We have people from all over the world and those people bring the customs of their country here with them. This makes for a rich and diverse cross-section of people and practices. This massive conglomeration of beliefs and practices only works when we respect each other and treat other people the way we would like to be treated.

The behavior guidelines stated in the preceding paragraphs are intended to give ICE officials the tools needed to weed out the inconsiderate jackasses before they enter into our country. Cross-cultural interactions already have enough confusions and misunderstandings. There's no need to add self-centered carelessness into the mix as well. We already have enough people here like that.

In fact, give it a few years, and I strongly suggest we start cracking down on and revoking the citizenship of the pricks who are already here doing this stuff now.

Give me a chance. I'll clean this stuff up.