Thursday, January 5, 2017

Don't Rub Me the Wrong Way

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned that I was concerned I had been too negative about our experience in Beijing. Most of that is just from us trying to adjust to all the differences between Chinese culture and American culture. Trust me, there are many. In that same post, I pointed out that many of these differences I am actually a very big fan of. In this post, I will address one of those differences I enjoy taking advantage of: THE CHINESE MASSAGE.

It is not difficult to get a massage in the States. There are plenty of places that offer this service if you want to seek them out. However, you do have to seek them out. Most places that offer massage offer it as one of the myriad of services they can provide. And finally, it is not cheap. The lowest-priced massages I know of in the States run about $50 and that is only for 20-30 minutes.

In China, if you want a massage, just pick a random street and close your eyes. Start walking and don't open them until you trip over the curb. When you open your eyes you will either be in front of a massage parlor or a noodle shop next to a massage parlor. You may not recognize the letters on the outside of the building because it is in Chinese, but you can trust me. In the very slim chance it's not a massage parlor, there is someone inside who will offer the service if you know how to ask.

The picture above is a joke, but you can seriously find 2 or 3 places for massage on just about any city block. Two blocks from my apartment, there are two massage places right next to each other with another right across the street. And every place has their own special way of doing it.

The Chinese are big believers in relieving yourself of stress and keeping your entire system in balance. And while most people would agree that relieving stress is a good thing, the Chinese will go that extra mile.

First, you need not worry about the exorbitant cost of getting a massage. While they will cost a minimum of $50 in the States for a short neck rub, here the standard price is RMB 50, which is approximately $7.50 in American money for a ONE HOUR treatment. ONE HOUR!!! Incredible.

What makes it even more amazing is the services that are offered. Here is a services list from an establishment near my apartment. Please forgive the English translation.

Some places don't offer all these services.
Because not every place has a young Russian lady on staff.

If you are wondering what the "Male sexual function obstacle" option is, I will try to put this delicately.

It's a hand job.

That's right. You can walk into an establishment on your way home from a stressful day at work and get your chicken choked for less than $10. Plus, it also comes with an hour long massage. Not a bad price. And you don't have to listen to her talk about her day.

You may be wondering how they can be so blatant about this, but the answer is quite simple. This is perfectly legal here. It is considered to be a legitimate technique to help achieve a more relaxed and balanced state. For many places, this isn't even an extra service. It is just part of the massage experience.

Now don't go planning a trip to China because of the legal prostitution. You can go to Nevada for that. Prostitution is not legal here. Sex for pay carries a heavy penalty in China. The massage 'happy ending' is looked upon as a medically beneficial service and is an acceptable practice to most people.

Now that you have the necessary information, let me tell you about my first experience getting a Chinese massage. This is not R-rated.

For the last few weeks, I have been having some pretty intense lower back and shoulder pain. I do believe that this is due to stress. Our work situation has caused a lot of grief. Red has been concerned with my lack of mobility and inability to sleep and has been wonderful about rubbing my back and finding those knots, but it wasn't helping.

A few days ago, we were returning from the grocery store and a woman approached us on the street to give us a flyer for the massage parlor near our house. Our Chinese is atrocious, but we got the impression it was advertising a sale and Red convinced me to go the following day. I really didn't want to spend the money, but she thought it might relieve my pain.

This is why I have the best wife in the world! I challenge you to deny this. She knowingly sent me into an establishment which openly offers orgasms to its customers because she thought it might make me feel better. She wasn't sending me for the hand job portion of the service, but sent me anyway.

Please know that I had no intention of getting any services performed below my belt line, but was still nervous about going because I know virtually no Chinese and really didn't know what to expect.
  • How do I order the massage that I want?
  • How can I let them know that I don't want my manhood handled?
  • Will I have to watch to see if she reaches for it and smack her hand away?
  • Am I expected to get naked and lie on a table?
  • Why am I getting even more stressed?
I stepped into the place and presented my flyer to the two very attractive Chinese women behind the counter. She looked at the flyer and gestured toward the establishment next door (I told you they were right next to each other). So, I apologized and went to the neighboring business and was met by another slim attractive woman who started to take my coat. I presented the sales flyer and she spoke the only English word she knew, "Sorry" and gave me back my coat.

I have no idea what the problem was, but I went back to the first place and pulled out a 50¥ note. One of the women took it and said "foot?" I said "back" and pointed to where the trouble was. She nodded as she took my money. She then yelled something into the back room and pulled back the curtain for me to enter.

I stepped into a large room with 12 beds along the walls, six on each side. There was a woman on one bed in the corner getting a massage and I immediately noticed that she still had her blouse on. Good. That means I don't have to get naked.

Soon, a small albino man came shuffling toward me from the back of the room carrying several towels. He gestured toward the nearest bed and I noticed that he was blind. I looked at the man giving the massage to the woman and realized he was blind as well. This was one of those blind massage places. The reason for blind massage is to alleviate any discomfort from someone seeing you naked despite the fact that they will have their hands all over you and they do not separate the male and female clients.

I got comfortable on the table and he quickly went to work. He never spoke to me a single time, but was good at communicating with his hands what he wanted me to do (sit up, roll over, lie down, etc.). He found the sore spots very quickly and dug in with his elbows. He rubbed my entire back, my shoulders, neck, back and top of my head and even did my arms. It was great.

When the hour was up, I walked home feeling great. Red wanted to hear all about it and I was ready to brag about how I turned down getting felt up despite it not even costing extra, but she didn't even ask about that part.


  1. Amazingly, physical crimes like rape are virtually non-existent here. Maybe if more perverts in the States got regular hand jobs, the US would be a safer place!

    1. I'm not sure what it is that keeps the violent crime rate so low, but maybe some experiments should be done. Hand jobs for everyone for one year and let's see what happens.

  2. A blind albino in a Chinese massage parlor sounds ominously like a front for an evil James Bond villain's lair. And, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure Bond receives numerous HJ's as well. Maybe it's all about the places you hang out in? Best keep your eyes open for giant lasers and shark tanks.

    1. Now I want to get a massage next to a large shark tank.

  3. An hour massage for $7.50. Wow. Going back?

    1. I will definitely be going back. I'll be trying out some of the neighboring places as well.


Leave a comment. C'MON!!! You're already here. Leave a comment. Don't leave me hanging and wondering if any has ever seen these words. I'll rub your feet.