Monday, October 7, 2013

This Crap Stays Between Us

Due to my job of delivering office supplies around town, I spend a lot of time in my car listening to the radio instead of playing Candy Crush Saga or watching Big Bang Theory. It's amazing the things you learn if you just pay attention. Yesterday, the radio got my attention when I heard the phrase "poop in a pill."

Yes, the reporter actually used the word 'poop.' I always thought 'feces' was a more professional word, but he said 'poop.'

Apparently, medical scientists really have made a pill full of poop. You can read about it here.

If you are like me (or like any normal person), you are probably asking yourself, "Uh...why?"

Believe it or not, there actually is a medical reason for this. According to the news story, there are some intestinal infections that make a lot of people really sick and can even be deadly, but don't respond well to antibiotics. What do they respond to?

MORE POOP!

After being told our entire lives to wash our hands after going to the bathroom, doctors have started treating certain infections with poop. For the last two decades, doctors treated these infections with fecal transplants. 'Fecal transplant' is the medical way of saying that they took someone else's crap and stuck it in your butt.

These fecal transplants work because…well, wait a moment.

Try to remember I am not a medical professional and will do my best to explain this, but will be using layman's terms.

These fecal transplants work because, healthy crap (HA HA) has the bacterial enzymes needed to fight the infection. The doctor would normally select the crap of a close family member to attempt to recreate the intestinal environment the bacteria are accustomed to. You know, because a happy bacteria is more effective than unhappy bacteria. Apparently, one-celled organisms are temperamental. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that playing soothing music into the rectum afterward makes them work even more efficiently.

If you happen to be the recipient of one of these 'poop surgeries' and are bothered by the fact that someone else's crap has been inserted into your mudhole, you can take some comfort in knowing that it is not a stranger's turd in your butt, but your mother's. Not much will bring a family closer together.

However, regardless of whose crap is now invading your intestinal tract, it is still a procedure that most doctors and patients would like to avoid. This is where the poop pill comes into play. Scientists have found a way to extract the necessary enzymes directly from the donor turds so they can be prepared to be taken orally in pill form. They are made into pills because a suppository would sort of defeat the purpose.

Now, a pill may be less invasive than an enema, but you can't deny that this is still the eating of crap sanctioned by the medical profession. In fact, I can already see how the next Thanksgiving would go at my house if this happened to one of us. Right after filling our plates, I would lean over to my brother and whisper, "Remember that time you ate my sh*t?"

 Nevertheless, they are seeing great success with this new product.

Since it looks like this just may be the intestinal infection treatment of the future, it only stands to reason that the price of crap is about to increase. I haven't been able to find any crap investments to buy into, but I do have plenty I could sell and I make more all the time.

When I was in college, I used to donate plasma. They gave me $25 every time, but I could only do this once every six weeks. If someone established a donor center to accept Fecal Donations and paid the same rate, I could make a deposit every day. That's $750 a month! That would pay my rent and my power bill! A family of four could make enough money that no one would have to work. Or at the very least, their crap donations might be enough to supplement their Obamacare health plan.

29 comments:

  1. I... There just aren't any words for this. All I can say is that I appreciate the puns and that so many more puns would happen after the poop pill would be used. But my gosh, how did they learn that poop would even help to begin with?

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    1. I didn't study it hard enough to discover that. That is a good question.

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    2. Sounds disgusting....funny mind you....but disgusting.

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    3. I can't imagine how much pain I would have to be in to even consider this.

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    4. You do not want to imagine. Like appendicitis, but over a course of few weeks until you've had it with constant diarrhoea turning to bleeding. Then you go to ER and get admitted and are open to a lot of options.
      :-)

      ~PolishSpring

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    5. I've eaten a lot of gross things, so I really don't see this holding me up. Especially if I was in pain.

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  2. I've not heard of this until today, but then again I'm a bit slow on medical breakthroughs. Bwahahahahahahahahaha. Crack kills and crap heals. Bwahahahahahahaha.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

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    1. And for some reason, we don't even want our kids to eat dirt.

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  3. So telling someone you won't take their shit might come back to haunt you.

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  4. I don't care; I am not eating your crap.
    (I love you...but some things are not for sharing.)

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    1. Since we are not genetically connected, I can't see a scenario where a doctor would suggest this. But I have to say, I'm a little hurt.

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    2. Don't be. I won't give you mine, either!

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    3. Doesn't have to be a blood relative, any person who normally eats what you usually do will do. Their bacteria is what will be efficient in dealing with what your gut has to put up with.
      Family obviously is a first choice, but anyone you lived with who shares food you eat will do.

      As a sidenote, fecal transplant from skinny mice made obese mice skinny. Guess what's coming down the pipeline as an actual obesity cure?
      :-D

      What have i come to to know these things...

      ~PolishSpring

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    4. As radical as some weight loss strategies are, this one really wouldn't surprise me.

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  5. Haven't these people ever heard of yogurt? I thought that was supposed to have those "good bacterias"? That's about as far as I'll go. Outside of that, I'll just deal with whatever catastrophic intestinal disease I get.

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    1. I agree. It's a pretty hard pill to swallow.

      HA! See what I did there?

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  6. Well, thank goodness it's not a chewable. Not enough toothpaste in the world for that.
    Plus, if it was a suppository, then I suppose that would be redundant.

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  7. Having had the "pleasure" of one of these intestinal infections that landed me in a hospital on antibiotic IV for a week each time, i might be able to shed a light.
    Basically, we live too clean and too full of sugar and ingredients in "food" that aren't exactly food, if not straight up banned in other countries substances unregulated in the US of A.
    Problem with these infections (as opposed to good ole Salmonella with its many strains) is that the bacteria naturally living in your gut goes haywire and myltiplies while supressing other normal intestinal bacteria cultures.
    This makes testing impossible, because you are supposed to test positive for these little creatures, so then the doctors say "based on the CT scan your intestines are so inflamed they are about to burst, so we will cut out that piece if antibiotics won't quell this infection" but when asked what's causing it they "don't know" "we're not sure" "blah, blah, blah"
    Ending up in hospital with unstoppable diarrhoea, bleeding, pain, inflamed bloated belly (and the intestine is quite long for an infection to give you that distended belly look) - that makes you kinda wanna know why is this crap happening especially when doctors can't give you a straight answer and just want to chop off the bits.
    Quickest way of restoring your gut flora when you've been on "Nothing By Mouth" orders and antibiotic for a week is simply replacing your gut contents with that of a healthy person.
    Less quick way is a strict diet for the next 40 days of no sugars, no starches, no booze, long list of "no" and lots of live cultures yogurt + special yogurt pills.
    And after you're done? don't even think of not monitoring your sugar intake. That's pie, donuts, juice, booze, everything i like.
    Having had the 2nd option as a treatment, each time I'm sorry the turd wasn't available at the time, cuz after 5 weeks of yogurt? I'd rather have the turd pill.
    :-)
    Hope this helps.

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    1. It sounds awful. I'm sorry that you had to go through it. I think that I would be happy to take the pill.

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    2. Thank you.
      On a plus side, I've never been skinnier than after these issues. As a woman in NY - that's a good thing apparently.
      :-D
      Best to you and Red!
      ~PolishSpring

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  8. This means my lactose intolerance is a strength, not a weakness... MORE CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. It always helps when you put things in perspective.

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  9. Glad we will not be home Thanksgiving

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